Anthem is a shared-world action RPG, where players can delve into a vast landscape teeming with amazing technology and forgotten treasures. This is a world where Freelancers are called upon to defeat savage beasts, ruthless marauders, and forces plotting to conquer humanity.
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The best 6/10 game I've ever played in my life.
Ah mano esse jogo é tão legal, gostei de verdade, uma pena que por causa dos problemas iniciais ele morreu, adoraria poder jogar na moralzinha.
we will get a good power armor game one day guys you just gotta believe
Game had potential man.....
Did Anthem cause COVID?
An Investigation
After my previous "review" (If you can call these eternal nightmares I am cursed with by that title) of Dragon Age: Inquisition, it got thinking more heavily about the Bioware games that followed it, namely Mass Effect Andromeda and Anthem. The Twin Trash Fires of Bioware's catalogue; two games whose reputations are awful enough to almost entirely eclipse the controversy that surrounded Mass Effect 3 on launch. But in my research of these two games, I discovered something more... sinister. A deeper layer to one of these releases, a thread to follow that led me to a conspiracy whose purpose was so harrowing, so life-altering, that I truly will never be the same having unearthed it.
Did Anthem cause COVID?
Okay, that sounds pretty crazy, right? Surely, no matter how bad a game may be, it couldn't possibly be the the point of genesis for a worldwide pandemic, could it? I mean, how can that even make sense? How in the world could a digital entertainment product originate a biological respiratory disease? Surely It can't, right? It's Impossible?! PLEASE TELL ME THAT IT'S NOT TRUE!
Oh, you naive fool.
But first, allow me to explain. If you have somehow found this review without
knowing just what the hell an "Anthem" is, allow me a moment to elucidate you. Anthem is a third-person looter-shooter ("shlooter", you might say, if happen to be some sort of gremlin) released in 2019 by Bioware, a company whose catalogue of interactive fiction was (and still is) made up almost entirely of Role Playing Games. This is the subtype of electronically-aided lucid dreaming they are known for. Not shlooters. Not to say that a company cannot pivot from one genre to another and be successful, but even Bioware's most ardent admirers would admit that, from a real-time action-gaming standpoint, Bioware was... never really the strongest developer. Their strengths lied in world-building and narrative design, and their gameplay tended to be more tactically-focused and often a hybrid turn-based/realtime system. The choice to make Anthem was not a good one. It wasn't even a particularly sensible one, frankly, and the reviews reflected this.
There are many "professional" review scales. You know, those things that "professional game reviewers" (Witch Doctors) use to see if a game is, like, lighter than a father on a set of scales or something, and then they assign it a score based on the result and which type of scales were used. There are many famous game reviewing scales, such as the "Gi" scales, the "Gs" scales, and, likely the most famous, the "Ign". There are countless more, but you get the idea. For example, when weighed on the Ign scales, Anthem received a 6.5/10. Sounds ok, right? More than halfway up the pole, after all! WRONG. According to the rules of the Ign scales, a 6.5 is, quote, "An experience analogous to that of moderately aggravated genital herpes".
Neat! Isn't science amazing? So yeah, anyway, game BAD, moving on the the conspiracy.
You see, as I was browsing the web (what the kids call the internet), I came across the official Anthem page on EA's site. "Ah, how funny," I thought to myself, "what a sad relic of of a failed video game! I wonder what will be on the page?" The answer was, as you can probably imagine, not much, but the News section of the site caught my eye. The latest News post was an entry inviting you to "Celebrate One Year of Anthem". Finding this innocuous headline rather humorous, I deigned to click on the article, which is where I discovered my first whiff of trouble. You see, the article claims that you can receive special in-game items to celebrate Anthems first anniversary. How? Simple! One only needs to log into the game any time between February 25th to March 24th, 2020. That caught my attention. Didn't something important happen in March of 2020? Something potentially life-altering?
I am loathe to admit, at first could not recall why that date seemed so troubling to me. I decided to sleep on it, and went to bed for the night.
I slept for five days straight.
Fortunately for me, on the sixth day, one of the fourteen wizards who were tasked to keep me, specifically, in an eternal state of comatose un-life died of heatstroke, and I awoke from my stygian slumber with the date of March 2020 still firmly lodged in my horrifically eldritch, ever-expanding cranium. Of what import was this dastardly date? Was it a time of joy? Of suffering? Of unending banality, like the kind of thing when you have to defecate but realize you forgot you phone when you sit down in the bathroom and then realize that there are no magazines in the bathroom either and that all of the shampoo bottles you could maybe, potentially read to keep your mind occupied enough that you don't think about yourself or your life for even a fraction of a fraction of a second are out of reach from your porcelain perch? Was it like that, perhaps? Then, the cold shock of memory alighted betwixt my ears.
Oh yeah, the plague!
Of course, how could I have forgotten! March 2020 was the month that the disease that had slaughtered millions in the streets AND the sheets had made its way to my homeland. Mass shutdowns, masks, constant sanitizing of various appendages, you name it, we had it signed, sealed, and delivered in March 2020. COVID-19. The Corona. Virus. That thing. Remember that thing? Yeah, that thing.
Which just so HAPPENED to coincide with the end date of the one year anniversary event of maligned "video game" Anthem, which, for all intents and purposes, served as the end date for the game itself? I didn't like that. Not one bit. No siree. It HAD to be connected.
So I did more research.
(Made it the fuck up)
And, as of right now, I have three running theories as to how Anthem and COVID are connected. One is significantly more unlikely than the others.
The first theory is that Anthem was good, actually, and served as a bulwark against the worldwide disease. Once Anthem died, our defenses were eradicated and plague swept the globe. Told you this one was unlikely. ignore it.
The second theory is that Anthem, when living, was a game riddled with disease. All manner of horrible corruptions of biology existed within it and, when finally slain, Anthem's corpse released a multitude of horrors upon our world, the worst being COVID. Like a veritable digital Pandora's Box, the death of Anthem will be a specter that haunts humanity forevermore.
The third and final is the theory that I find most plausible. This theory posits that there can only be one plague upon humanity on earth at a single time. Anthem, in all its mediocrity, served that role, and when it died it allowed a new plague to step into the spotlight. I mean, they are basically the same thing. A 6/10 game (being generous) or a virus that killed millions and proved to be a major flashpoint in the fracturing of western society, same difference, right? One or the other, it is still a crippling horror on the lives of billions.
So after all of my theorizing, you may be wondering if any of it is legit. Well, after years of experiencing thousands of crackpot theories never coming to fruition through avenues such as social media and despite this, like nearly all of the more fringe conspiracy theories, lacking any sensible, logical evidence of causation AT ALL, I can say, without a shadow of a doubt...
Yes, the allegations are true.
Anthem caused the Corona virus.
"Bu-bu-but correlation does not equal causation!" I hear you whine like a simpering buffoon, like the cretinous little worm you are. I should snuff you out for even daring to speak to me. You fool. You utter fool. The clown asylum called, they're missing one of their stupidest patients. I will indulge your argument, just this once: Though that may seem like the case in your little pea-brain, I have an unassailable counterpoint:
Shut up, nerd.
An Investigation
After my previous "review" (If you can call these eternal nightmares I am cursed with by that title) of Dragon Age: Inquisition, it got thinking more heavily about the Bioware games that followed it, namely Mass Effect Andromeda and Anthem. The Twin Trash Fires of Bioware's catalogue; two games whose reputations are awful enough to almost entirely eclipse the controversy that surrounded Mass Effect 3 on launch. But in my research of these two games, I discovered something more... sinister. A deeper layer to one of these releases, a thread to follow that led me to a conspiracy whose purpose was so harrowing, so life-altering, that I truly will never be the same having unearthed it.
Did Anthem cause COVID?
Okay, that sounds pretty crazy, right? Surely, no matter how bad a game may be, it couldn't possibly be the the point of genesis for a worldwide pandemic, could it? I mean, how can that even make sense? How in the world could a digital entertainment product originate a biological respiratory disease? Surely It can't, right? It's Impossible?! PLEASE TELL ME THAT IT'S NOT TRUE!
Oh, you naive fool.
But first, allow me to explain. If you have somehow found this review without
knowing just what the hell an "Anthem" is, allow me a moment to elucidate you. Anthem is a third-person looter-shooter ("shlooter", you might say, if happen to be some sort of gremlin) released in 2019 by Bioware, a company whose catalogue of interactive fiction was (and still is) made up almost entirely of Role Playing Games. This is the subtype of electronically-aided lucid dreaming they are known for. Not shlooters. Not to say that a company cannot pivot from one genre to another and be successful, but even Bioware's most ardent admirers would admit that, from a real-time action-gaming standpoint, Bioware was... never really the strongest developer. Their strengths lied in world-building and narrative design, and their gameplay tended to be more tactically-focused and often a hybrid turn-based/realtime system. The choice to make Anthem was not a good one. It wasn't even a particularly sensible one, frankly, and the reviews reflected this.
There are many "professional" review scales. You know, those things that "professional game reviewers" (Witch Doctors) use to see if a game is, like, lighter than a father on a set of scales or something, and then they assign it a score based on the result and which type of scales were used. There are many famous game reviewing scales, such as the "Gi" scales, the "Gs" scales, and, likely the most famous, the "Ign". There are countless more, but you get the idea. For example, when weighed on the Ign scales, Anthem received a 6.5/10. Sounds ok, right? More than halfway up the pole, after all! WRONG. According to the rules of the Ign scales, a 6.5 is, quote, "An experience analogous to that of moderately aggravated genital herpes".
Neat! Isn't science amazing? So yeah, anyway, game BAD, moving on the the conspiracy.
You see, as I was browsing the web (what the kids call the internet), I came across the official Anthem page on EA's site. "Ah, how funny," I thought to myself, "what a sad relic of of a failed video game! I wonder what will be on the page?" The answer was, as you can probably imagine, not much, but the News section of the site caught my eye. The latest News post was an entry inviting you to "Celebrate One Year of Anthem". Finding this innocuous headline rather humorous, I deigned to click on the article, which is where I discovered my first whiff of trouble. You see, the article claims that you can receive special in-game items to celebrate Anthems first anniversary. How? Simple! One only needs to log into the game any time between February 25th to March 24th, 2020. That caught my attention. Didn't something important happen in March of 2020? Something potentially life-altering?
I am loathe to admit, at first could not recall why that date seemed so troubling to me. I decided to sleep on it, and went to bed for the night.
I slept for five days straight.
Fortunately for me, on the sixth day, one of the fourteen wizards who were tasked to keep me, specifically, in an eternal state of comatose un-life died of heatstroke, and I awoke from my stygian slumber with the date of March 2020 still firmly lodged in my horrifically eldritch, ever-expanding cranium. Of what import was this dastardly date? Was it a time of joy? Of suffering? Of unending banality, like the kind of thing when you have to defecate but realize you forgot you phone when you sit down in the bathroom and then realize that there are no magazines in the bathroom either and that all of the shampoo bottles you could maybe, potentially read to keep your mind occupied enough that you don't think about yourself or your life for even a fraction of a fraction of a second are out of reach from your porcelain perch? Was it like that, perhaps? Then, the cold shock of memory alighted betwixt my ears.
Oh yeah, the plague!
Of course, how could I have forgotten! March 2020 was the month that the disease that had slaughtered millions in the streets AND the sheets had made its way to my homeland. Mass shutdowns, masks, constant sanitizing of various appendages, you name it, we had it signed, sealed, and delivered in March 2020. COVID-19. The Corona. Virus. That thing. Remember that thing? Yeah, that thing.
Which just so HAPPENED to coincide with the end date of the one year anniversary event of maligned "video game" Anthem, which, for all intents and purposes, served as the end date for the game itself? I didn't like that. Not one bit. No siree. It HAD to be connected.
So I did more research.
(Made it the fuck up)
And, as of right now, I have three running theories as to how Anthem and COVID are connected. One is significantly more unlikely than the others.
The first theory is that Anthem was good, actually, and served as a bulwark against the worldwide disease. Once Anthem died, our defenses were eradicated and plague swept the globe. Told you this one was unlikely. ignore it.
The second theory is that Anthem, when living, was a game riddled with disease. All manner of horrible corruptions of biology existed within it and, when finally slain, Anthem's corpse released a multitude of horrors upon our world, the worst being COVID. Like a veritable digital Pandora's Box, the death of Anthem will be a specter that haunts humanity forevermore.
The third and final is the theory that I find most plausible. This theory posits that there can only be one plague upon humanity on earth at a single time. Anthem, in all its mediocrity, served that role, and when it died it allowed a new plague to step into the spotlight. I mean, they are basically the same thing. A 6/10 game (being generous) or a virus that killed millions and proved to be a major flashpoint in the fracturing of western society, same difference, right? One or the other, it is still a crippling horror on the lives of billions.
So after all of my theorizing, you may be wondering if any of it is legit. Well, after years of experiencing thousands of crackpot theories never coming to fruition through avenues such as social media and despite this, like nearly all of the more fringe conspiracy theories, lacking any sensible, logical evidence of causation AT ALL, I can say, without a shadow of a doubt...
Yes, the allegations are true.
Anthem caused the Corona virus.
"Bu-bu-but correlation does not equal causation!" I hear you whine like a simpering buffoon, like the cretinous little worm you are. I should snuff you out for even daring to speak to me. You fool. You utter fool. The clown asylum called, they're missing one of their stupidest patients. I will indulge your argument, just this once: Though that may seem like the case in your little pea-brain, I have an unassailable counterpoint:
Shut up, nerd.
This game had me in wrapped around its finger with the first trailer, I loved old destiny and I loved the javelins and aesthetic of the world that was shown in 2017s E3. However, the beta released in an unplayable state, even if it did have seeds of what I wanted the game to be, it was just not the same game from the E3 showcase. On full release you had to wait about an hour to get into a lobby, which was pointless as there was no way of loading into somebody's session without your game crashing. EA ripped out my heart and shat all over it with this one.