Crime Fighters is a side-scrolling beat-em-up released by Konami for the arcades in 1989. take control of a squad of undercover police officers and rescue a group of kidnapped damsels from a crime boss and his army of punks!
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Beat'em ups as a genre are at their best when they make the player feel empowered, to have that feeling of being able to run through anyone in their path to save whoever or whatever it is that they are saving. To smash every motherfucker they see into the goddamned ground, fuck'em up player! Fuck'em up!
Well, Konami sure missed that memo.
Good lord, where do we begin? Your attacks feel absolutely pathetic, you have such short range that it feels like an opposing flea could easily throw haymakers without fear of counterattack. Enemies can throw stiff jabs from five blocks down the street, and seem to have the insane footwork of Ali to casually step right out of your combos. If this already sounds awful to you, don't worry! The enemies also come in mobs many times, and there are no attacks to shake them all off you! There's a boss in stage 7 who seems to just instantly put a hitbox in front of them constantly, their knife instantly slashing my stomach open with ease as I try hopelessly to get up in my woeful experience in this early beat'em up, and just to make me even more angry there's a humping homosexual stereotype in the Japanese release I was playing to escape the outrageous difficulty increase of the American version.
Hey Konami, if it's supposed to be funny then how comes I'm not laughing?
The game itself really was no laughing matter. It's attempt at a comedic tone with it's slapstick sound effects and enemies kicking me in the dick had zero effect on me emotionally, because my misery and anger were both so in harmony to each other as to render me immune to any cartoonish antics. Overwhelming negative energy that would cure Mahatma Gandhi of his commitment to nonviolence. Happiness has abandoned me, and again I find sorrow. What else could I have expected from this early beat'em up? They never impress me!
"Save us Capcom!!!" ~ Despaired pizza parlor arcade gamers circa 1989
Final Fight suddenly crashes from the skies below and onto the city streets
"...Fear not...I am here now gamers." ~ Final Fight
Final Fight pummels Crime Fighters into submission and throws them off a building
Our hero~
Well, Konami sure missed that memo.
Good lord, where do we begin? Your attacks feel absolutely pathetic, you have such short range that it feels like an opposing flea could easily throw haymakers without fear of counterattack. Enemies can throw stiff jabs from five blocks down the street, and seem to have the insane footwork of Ali to casually step right out of your combos. If this already sounds awful to you, don't worry! The enemies also come in mobs many times, and there are no attacks to shake them all off you! There's a boss in stage 7 who seems to just instantly put a hitbox in front of them constantly, their knife instantly slashing my stomach open with ease as I try hopelessly to get up in my woeful experience in this early beat'em up, and just to make me even more angry there's a humping homosexual stereotype in the Japanese release I was playing to escape the outrageous difficulty increase of the American version.
Hey Konami, if it's supposed to be funny then how comes I'm not laughing?
The game itself really was no laughing matter. It's attempt at a comedic tone with it's slapstick sound effects and enemies kicking me in the dick had zero effect on me emotionally, because my misery and anger were both so in harmony to each other as to render me immune to any cartoonish antics. Overwhelming negative energy that would cure Mahatma Gandhi of his commitment to nonviolence. Happiness has abandoned me, and again I find sorrow. What else could I have expected from this early beat'em up? They never impress me!
"Save us Capcom!!!" ~ Despaired pizza parlor arcade gamers circa 1989
Final Fight suddenly crashes from the skies below and onto the city streets
"...Fear not...I am here now gamers." ~ Final Fight
Final Fight pummels Crime Fighters into submission and throws them off a building
Our hero~
THE SAME YEAR AS GOLDEN AXE AND FINAL FIGHT
THE S A M E YEAR AS GOLDEN AXE AND F I N A L F I G H T
THE S A M E YEAR AS GOLDEN AXE AND F I N A L F I G H T
Got fightcade working properly with some help, played this with Nightblade in a vc. It's awful, it's insanely bad. The last part is an unbelievable dick move. I hope at least one of the devs was horribly maimed
erm... what the scallop?
I've read visual novels that treat women better.
One of the worst feeling games I've ever had the displeasure to play. You've only two moves - punching and kicking, while the enemies have a much wider pool of moves and can even perform special actions that your sorry ass can only ever dream about. The graphics are ugly for 1989 (the year of the great brawlers like Final Fight, Golden Axe and Konami's own Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles), and the gameplay is more like something from the mid 80s. Add to that this a long game with 8 stages (why the worst ones always the longest?) and the enemies take a lot of damage, you've got a special brand of turd sandwich.