This was the very definition of "rent, but don't buy" as a kid, since you could feasibly see most of the stages within a 3-day rental period. The crowd control gameplay still mostly eludes me - I just don't see how you have more than a split second to time attacks and dodges when 4 difficult enemies are all gunning for you. I'm probably not utilizing the moveset to the fullest. Overall though, I just wanted to say: like with every Golden Axe title, this soundtrack fuckin' slaps HARD. If you want real metal kvlt FM synth shit, look no further. I wouldn't blame you if you skipped the game entirely and spent hours in the sound test section vibing to all the BGMs.

On the 19th of the month known as May, a lone warrior by the name of “Mega Middle Name Last Name” went on a quest… a quest to tackle a long-forgotten legend known as the Axe of Gold. Through this journey, he found himself the first piece of this axe, and had to then complete a trial to claim it, but unfortunately for him, this trial wouldn’t please him, and he would merely deem it as simply being “ok”. This stagnant opinion of his would only get worse overtime when he found the second piece of this axe, where he would then have to face another trial, one that would frustrate the hero more than anything else, being almost identical to the original trial in just about every way. Our hero deemed this trial to be “a waste of time”, and yet pressed on, clearing this trial and gaining the second piece of the axe. He struggled to find the courage, strength, and determination to press on, as he had a pretty good idea about what he would find if he continued on, but after his inner thoughts shouted at him enough, he then pressed on anyway through a land known as the “Sega Channel”, and found the third and final piece of the Axe of Gold.

Before finding this final piece of the relic, the warrior had come across the hilt of the Axe of Gold, which had an engraving which read “Vengeance of Death Adder”, where he faced another trial, which he went into with the lowest of hopes, and came out with the highest of praises. It had taken what the previous trials had given him, but with a hint of quality seen that the previous trails failed to achieve, which gave him hope for the remainder of the trials that he would face. Unfortunately though, once he took on this third and final main trial, what he found just simply couldn’t compare to that past trial. Nevertheless, when comparing these trials, he found this third trial to be of higher praise and value then the first two main trails, but nothing that was gonna make him retell his adventures to many adoring listeners, as it had very few noteworthy moments throughout.

The tale of the trial was one the warrior was well familiar with, with an evil tyrant known as Damud Hellstrike taking the golden axe and placing a curse on the avatars found in the trial, so the chosen avatar by the warrior had to go stop these cursed avatars and save the day, which didn’t captivate our hero, but he ignored it and continued on either way, the landscape presented to the warrior was very similar to that of the previous trials, but with noticeable improvements over the landscapes he had previously ventured through, along with more detail being added to the avatars present, the melody that flowed through the trial was one that the warrior was also familiar with, sharing similar qualities with previous melodies he had heard, but it was nothing that would ultimately stick with him after the trial was done, the weapons given to him were of a similar quality to the previous trials, but he found them to have a better flow then previous ones, with faster combat and movement being to his liking, and the challenges he faced took the basis of the challenges from the previous two main trials, but improved on them ever so slightly to make it seem like the gods behind these trials wanted to try something different, but the warrior could see right through this hoax.

The challenges the warrior faced were those of the fantasy beat-’em-up fashion, where he would take control of one of the four avatars presented to him, travel through a land full of thirteen different locales, slay many different creatures and foes that he would encounter along the way using his preferred melee techniques, along with several magical techniques he had picked up on his quest, gather plenty of magical potions and food items to keep himself well fed and protected throughout the journey, and fought plenty of big, bad beasts that would prove to be more challenging than any other foe he had faced previously in his journey, both in terms of genuine challenge and the dirty tactics they would use against him. While challenging, there wasn’t much in this trial that the warrior hadn’t faced before in a similar fashion, but throughout the journey, he did notice a few things that weren’t present in the previous trials.

The warrior had found influence from the Vengeance of Death Adder trial in the form of alternating paths that he could take, with each of them leading to different parts of the locales that he ventured through, as well as some paths allowing him to reach other locales that he wouldn’t be able to reach if he had ventured down the other pathway. This was a change that pleased the warrior, even if it didn’t really change too much about the trial itself, but it allowed for many different possibilities for him if he at all decided to tackle the trial again. In addition, throughout his journey, the warrior saved many different innocent souls that would contribute to his quest by giving him additional chances, which would help in case he was ever slain on his journey. This change didn’t really impress the warrior too much, but it was noteworthy enough to where he was thankful it was there.

Unfortunately though, this was where the warrior’s compliments for the trial ended, and where his complaints soon began. Upon finishing the trial, he then pled to the gods, asking them why he was continuously being given the same tasks to complete over and over again on his quest to obtain the Axe of Gold. The Vengeance of Death Adder was the only trial he had faced which he considered being of legendary status, but for the trials before and after that one, the warrior felt nothing but a sense of gruesome repetition that ate at his soul every time he would take on one of them. The difficulty of the challenges he faced didn’t help make this feeling go away either, as he looked over the many battle wounds he had suffered through the journey. However, as he pled to the gods for answered, he found himself not getting any sort of response from them, and at this point, he figured he never would. It was typical at this point, really.

Thus, despite the content of the trial remaining as basic as ever, the hero concluded that, for this third and final main trial he had faced, it was nothing more than just being a basic trial that had some certain level of excitement that was admirable compared to the previous trials, but nothing that would make him want to come back anytime soon. “To any other aspiring warriors reading this”, he proclaims, “do not attempt what I had done unless you were thoroughly pleased with what the previous trails from the Axe of Gold. The rewards may be great, but the journey to get there will not grant you the same satisfaction.” After the warrior spread this message to others throughout the land, he then went back to his home base, Axe of Gold in hand, ready to see what other adventures he could take on after this. What trial will he take on next, and will he ever venture back out to find the remaining trinkets for the Axe of Gold? Only time will tell…

Trial #429

EDIT: Hi, it's me, Mega, talking in the first person to say that, on the day before I posted this review, they announced a brand new Golden Axe game at the Game Awards. I swear I didn't plan this to line up so perfectly, and no, I don't know why I have these mystical powers.