Sparkster, my man. We gotta talk about your obsession with replacing my hedgehog-shaped heart.

You ever wish you grew up with something instead of looking at it through the lens of a jaded 30-year old who's played every piece of trashware and who-gives-a-shit release that had been readily available to them to emulate for the last two decades? You start wondering why they made the introduction fight with your rival skippable, when it's required for the golden ending due to the chaos emerald-laced sword you pull out in the cutscene afterwards, which goes along with the other six swords you're supposed to find later. Two of those swords just being things given to you, either from another fight with your rival or from some run amok stick figure mech in the final stage that sticks it into the ground for you and goes "hasta la pasta" as it heads off to Cucamonga to chill with the big wooden mannequin from Dynamite Headdy.

You ask yourself why the stage where you control your giant mech rampaging through downtown enemy territory is arguably the lowest point of the game. Why do the dumb little chicken walker mechs that the lizard soldiers use take so many rocket-propelled fist punches, thus enabling the auto-scrolling gameplay to become an act of juggling like a Tekken match? Why does Axel Gear in his already-repaired mech feel the need to show up in the background, and sometimes aim behind you where you can't interact with his giant flaming bowling balls and awkwardly punch them back to his ugly face and continue the segment? Why must we rematch in a rock'em sock'em robots bout again where I bait your projectile, and quickly run up and uppercut you in the jaw as you stare in amazement at my ability to block? How many times must we teach you this lesson old man?

Sparkster seems to have gotten a bit more jaded just like me, he's not quite as jovial and happy to be the hero like in Rocket Knight Adventures and has adopted a determined demeanor and a strut that could challenge a Belmont. He now refuses to use projectiles, because he has bought into his own hype and believes that all he needs is a sword and an expensive jetpack he bought at the Possum Boutique that automatically fills his meter. He's developed a gambling problem and started pulling slot machines full-time with all that jewelry he's acquired, and will continue doing so even after a bomb lands on top of his skull out of thin air. His overbearing hubris that has stacked on top of him after defeating the evil swine will surely be the end of him, but not if I can help it! I'll be the one to guide him to safety through the corridor-infested journey of his, and we'll surely take down the confusing mess of an airship layout that is his enemy's getaway vehicle and save the princess!

I still believe in him, for he is the coolest. Godspeed, hero boy.