132 reviews liked by DFW_Robbo


cowards use this website and give games like this a 3.5 like they are Protectors of videogaminges Honour. they will say things like this game is 'empty' and 'short' but then also say it is 'slow'. these people are full of stuff and nonsense. this game is a 5 STAR PS2 BANGER

the game is an artfully arranged series of story events that can be experienced in sequence, and each plotline can be followed from location to location allowing to to influence it OR NOT. one of the many brilliant facets of this games genius is thst all of these plots will culminate whether you choose to be a part of them OR NOT. there is a genre tag on steam called "choices matter". ostensibly choices matter to gamers, but it seems to me that the silk-bibbed gamer babies would prefer that their choices be presented as options on a dinner menu, chosen and then having the expected outcome served on a plate. WAY OF THE SAMURAI IS BETTER THAN THAT. in this game your choices matter in the way our human life Choices matter: they dont, but we make em anyway and consequences rattle out of the series of boxes and switches we futz with all day. you will fuck around too much and get killed by a bald weirdo. you may end up facing down a line of cannons with this cum-inflated bimbo. you may have to protect an innocent babe on a smoky battlefield.........

the thing is, this game is also super fun to play. the strikes have that weight to them that the modern souls fans love. big chunky sword slaps that send ketchup-thick gouts of blood flying everywhere. and its chock full of weapons all with their own move sets! and you unlock new moves by figuring "hey i bet this works", and sometimes it does! and it has this like, quasiroguelike quality where you can end your run early to store some good swords you found.....because you lose em if you die. you can even do goony shit like having aforementioned blacksmith bbygirl fix up your shit to the next level, not pay him, kill his ass, and restart! with your Next Level $hit!!

the map is small, but easy to memorize. the environments may look a little rudimentary, but they are also easily navigable especially when fights break out. to me, these aspects compliment the core Loop of memorizing where and when different events occur and Yojimbo'ing your way to different endings. i think its fair to criticize the story as being moderately generic and a rip off of a movie.....but all video game stories were rip offs of movies back then. it was the style at the time. i dont think its really fair to knock it for that when people still to this day claim Alan Wake is Good.

ultimately, i think this game is genuinely top 20 on the system. a Legit action classic. future games om the series are worth a look, but to me it never hit the lofty heights of this shit. its the video game equivalent of the best song you ever heard under 2 minutes long. meant to be looped on your tv and In Your Head

Coming off of A God Who Lives In Your Head, I was really excited for some more ‘weird art’. This time it came in the form of ZeroNorth ZeroWest, a game released in 2018 that’s heavily inspired by LSD: Dream Emulator.
If you don’t know what LSD is, then let’s start there. The player explores abstract environments, where if you touch any object, it warps you to a completely new world. There are strange events you may encounter strewn throughout. It’s a fascinating concept - even more-so because it was released on the Playstation 2 in 1998. It never got a US release, unfortunately, but it has become a cult classic all over the globe. I would love to play it myself one day.
Over time, I’ve found a few indie games that clearly have LSD’s DNA baked in. You explore abstract worlds endlessly, no way to win or lose. ZeroNorth ZeroWest is one of these games. And while I doubt this is the best form of the mind-bending genre, it’s a decent little project with some cool ideas.
0N0W opens with an interesting live action short from the POV of our protagonist. The nondescript man wakes up, prepares for his day, packs, and gets into his car to go on a long road trip. We pass all sorts of varying landscapes - some which, I swear as a Georgian, look eerily familiar to me - before it rather seamlessly transitions into the actual game. The man pulls into a small town’s gas station and steps out of the car, handing control over to the player.
From here, you’ll briefly visit the game’s only actual location; this town block sitting amidst an otherwise desolate countryside, the only open building being a local theater. Once you enter, you’re teleported into the alternate dimensions that will make up the bulk of your experience.
If you’re lucky, you’ll start your new foray into a world inside of a small living space - one of the only shreds of real humanity present during your exploration. Some persistent themes throughout these houses (or, sometimes, apartments) are a clock and a TV, the latter of which will display trippy static effects if you interact with it. Otherwise, the interior is altered slightly for whatever world you’re currently in. You may not even get the quick comfort of a house, though. Sometimes you’ll just open smack-dab in the middle of a strange forest, or on floating platforms.
You’ll immediately notice that the ‘visual shine’, for lack of a better term, is altered between many worlds - neon, black and white, a cloudy blur. 0N0W is slathered in these loud aesthetics. Meanwhile, the core art style relies on geometric shapes to convey the world around you. They may take the form of a huge, bustling city, with tall skyscrapers and streaks of light in the pits representing never-ending traffic; or you may encounter a barren desert, the horizon dotted with strange monuments to run towards. Everything feels alien yet slightly familiar.
Additionally, there are unique worlds in which you traverse trippy, kaleidoscopic landscapes void of… well, literally anything except for the player. There’s barely even a sense of direction as you wander around without a ground or sky. The game’s usual color palettes can already be hard on the eyes, but these often feel nearly impossible to look at. It’s a really harsh aesthetic. That’s not to mention that these kaleidoscope worlds are paired with even more basic gameplay and player engagement than the regular ones. Still, I enjoyed them for what they were. I particularly liked how, instead of traditional loading screens between maps, you’re flung through the same kind of scenery. You can even look around during!
Many of the worlds are, in fact, copies of each other with a different ‘shine’ and a handful of smaller changes. Their most interesting features are usually the details specific to each individual world - moments of humanity buried beneath. In a city, I came across neon graffiti. There are TVs hidden in some corners, as well as doors that will lead you to your next world. I discovered that the desert maps house a huge building with the roof caved in; my favorite version had tables with chairs, a corner filled with shelves of books, and even a car.
Many strange ‘creatures’ roam around, although they don’t acknowledge the player in any way. Examples of their physical forms include smooth blobs, spiky blobs, or bug-like swarms. These also harbor a sound design bit I really liked; if you approach, a noise - ranging from computer beeps to machine whirring - will emanate from them and gradually become louder.
In fact, the sound design as a whole is probably my favorite part of 0N0W. Serene ambience makes up the ‘soundtrack’; and it’s occasionally intertwined with sound effects such as crickets chirping or radio crackles. Most of these effects are, similarly to the creatures’ noises, directional hearing tied to certain places or things in the environment. You’ll naturally encounter them as you explore, allowing you to have a personal hand in the relaxing soundscape. It’s nothing new or groundbreaking, but it’s very enjoyable.
Contrarily, even though the visuals are quite striking, they still ended up feeling empty after a while. This is largely due to the absence of nearly any direct input from the player; though the audio transforms slightly during the player’s journey through an area, there’s no meaningful way for them to participate in the visual side of things. I genuinely enjoy the hand-made quality each world has in 0N0W... but the game is just tedious to play after 20 minutes, during which nothing new is introduced except some aesthetics. It also doesn’t help that, across my own playthroughs, I kept running into a frustrating issue where I’d loop through the same few worlds over and over again (though the specific worlds would change each time.)
I did eventually realize that there’s a useful menu binded to ‘M’ that makes navigation much easier. It’s really my own fault for not trying the button sooner, since the controls are displayed each time you boot up. Anyways, aside from the expected volume control and main menu return, this has a few other useful options. The most useful of these takes you to the ‘world selection menu’ that’s unlocked after playing for the first time; even though the're all named discreetly using code here, you can at least guarantee you’ll be seeing new things. There’s also one that takes you to a ‘door room’, a black void with a few doors that lead to different places. This adds a bit more of the intended randomness back into the mix.
Having more control over my 0N0W experience like this definitely improved my enjoyment of it! Still, I can’t help but dislike the fact that I had to use a menu to get a good selection of what the game had to offer; I would’ve hoped that it could do that on its own. The original intention was to journey through a random selection of worlds seamlessly, and I felt like my experience was constantly disrupted because I had to use the menu so much.
Either way, there’s unfortunately only so much entertainment to get out of 0N0W. Once you’ve visited all of the worlds - which may take an hour or two, depending on how much time you spend in each - there’s really nothing else to it. I’ve been enjoying booting it up now and then while I write this review, but only ever for a few minutes at a time. I recently discovered that there are a few secret worlds thanks to a guide… but I honestly would’ve preferred for them to be as accessible as the rest, just to round out the content a bit more.
The last thing I want to discuss before wrapping up is the VR version of 0N0W, a free DLC included with the base game. This is definitely the most immersive way to experience the atmosphere. Only five of the maps are available in this mode - most easily accessible through keybindings - but I had fun just roaming around and taking in the sights. The only big issue is that there’s a 50/50 chance your corneas will be assaulted with nauseatingly bright visuals.
At the end of the day, 0N0W is more of an interactive art piece than anything - an abstract, inscrutable experience that forces you to draw your own conclusions. I definitely appreciate its style, and I think it has a certain charm; but I’m not sure I’d necessarily recommend the game as a whole (especially at its five dollar price tag.) It can get dull quickly, I suspect especially so for players without the patience or interest required for this type of game.


Visuals: 4/5
Sound: 4.5/5
Gameplay: 1/5
Worldbuilding: 3/5
Replayability: 2.5/5
Overall Game Score: 3/5

A brilliantly addictive detective game which makes you feel like a genius. Methodically going through each scenario and deducing exactly what happened was so delightful. Every single case in the game (especially including the DLCs) sunk their mystery hooks into me, and I was more than happy to be reeled in for the 10 hours-and-change it took to complete.

I don't rave that often, but, if you have any passing interest in detective games, I would press this into your hands immediately, no question. And, to those of you who played Obra Dinn and wondered, "Why don't they make more games like this?" THIS GAME IS ONE OF THOSE GAMES THAT THEY DON'T MAKE MORE OF LIKE THIS! A MUST PLAY!

"Come on guys, I know we're all scared, and we're freaked the fuck out, but we have more than enough to meet quota! It's okay that you don't know where the ship is, follow me!"

The sandworm:

Review

I gave it a real shot, for 8 hours!

You can read my notes and thoughts here : https://twitter.com/han_tani2/status/1735187901296836666

Or read an essay in which I discuss TotK https://melodicambient.substack.com/p/why-ocarina-of-time-cant-be-recreated

The short version is: the game has its nice charming moments, I actually like the idea of janky physics dungeons and riding around on stuff. NPC designs are nice and some of the side quests looked interesting. But I hattteee the crafting stuff, it kind of ends up padding almost everything in the game out. There's also so much distraction, it feels like YouTube recommendations or TikTok...

Shitpost review

Zelda but if Miyamoto wasn't inspired by wandering the countryside as a kid but opening up Genshin enough times to get the 30 day login bonus

Sonic 2's back half is absolutely unforgivable, I hate those fuckin' fiddler crabs in Metropolis Zone with their Volkswagen Beetle-sized hitboxes and that dumbass final boss gauntlet that sucks the wind out of you- wait what the fuck is this shit, get this crap out of here.

elbow drops it through the announce table

The prior seconds pass with the enormity of centuries. Scattershot shrapnel peppers the asphalt, signaling the arrival of two street demons, both careening through air in a ludicrous display of car-nal car-nage. Like detached limbs, their wheels flail freely, in defiance of death itself, rolling to an uneventful stop against the guardrail. Launched beyond the rail’s comforting bounds, misfortuned motorists find their engines extinguished, their windshields splintered and scattered haphazardly. For what it’s worth, it's a spectacle with little to show for it; the same crumpled wreckages find themselves sprinting down the stretch once again, leaving little but metal and skid marks. Coming to my senses, parallel with the rail, I’m lightheaded and weak.

My ribs are a fine powder, my liver a congealed mass, my brain pulsing red-light, green-light pain and shock overdoses… but my machine roars to life. A gentle nudge of the accelerator eases her back on the straight-ahead, but an injection of noxious nitrous oxide pumps searing adrenaline through her veins – With a banshee’s scream, she climbs to 100, 120, 150, 200 miles per hour. The prying eyes piercing into the roll cage soon burn into spectral light, their lesser vehicles little more than dust against my almighty steed. Lost in the cacophony of merciless thieves, I give chase to secure what’s rightfully mine – The dizzying height, the brightest shine, the golden flow of first place. But my rivals, backstabbers and bastards all, seem poised to pilfer perfection from me once again.

It’s a trio ahead – The former deceased pair, and an impervious highway star leading the pack. In an endless stretch, it’d be a massacre, but with less than two miles left, the nerves start wearing me down. First is the rookie mistakes – a drift too harsh here, a grind against the median there, hell, even a full-scale collision to spice things up, but all too soon I’m peering down invisible crosshairs at the weakest link. Everything happens fast as I shotgun a final blast of nitro into a purring motor, my chariot a battering ram; the lesser of the twins crumples underfoot, ripped in two as hopeless fourth bashes into the corpse. The wiser twin falls just as simply; grinding against my steel chassis, they neglected to peek the eighteen-wheeler hurtling headlong. I can barely make out a resentful curse from the driver’s seat as the million-dollar machine is mulched.

And then, it was you, me, and the finish line. And brother, I wish our tale ended oh so simply, but either through fate or karma, neither of us were to receive fated first that day. It was as it always goes, in the United States, across Europe, to the far off shores of Asia – Even at our best, neither of us expected a humble family of four to be our downfall. You crashed into the van, as expected, but as if touched by a vengeful spirited, your shell bashed into me, and I into the monorail over yonder. Seeing this moment of weakness, hopeless fourth charges, pointless fifth overtakes, and… impossible sixth takes home the gold – My gold.

Still, I can’t help but laugh. Over a hundred gold metals, and I’m still caught off-guard, still left to ponder what-ifs and what-abouts. Pulling a swift 180, I curve my car along the backroad, glancing at the glistening lights in the rearview. With a smile, I hit boost once again… Launching myself directly into the busy highway, where a city bus embraces me at 90 miles per hour.

I wake, still slumped along the guardrail. The dual gods of speed soar overhead, colliding with the gathering crowd. With a flick, I boost back into the race. For one last time, let’s go for gold.

Jokes on High on Knife be like:

Add a packet of In-N-Out burger ketchup
Add a packet of checkers honey mustard
Add a packet of Red Robin original seasoning
Add a packet of tapatio sauce
Add a packet of in and out Burger spread
Add a packet of Burger King syrup
Add a packet of Chick-Fill-A polynesian sauce
Add a packet of Little Caesars cheesy jalapeno
Add a packet of wetzel's pretzel pizza sauce
Add a packet of KFC classic ranch
Add a packet of Macdonald's saweetie and sour sauce
Add a packet of Chick-Fill-A garden herb and ranch
Add a packet of Del Taco inferno sauce
Add a packet of Chick-Fill-A zesty buffalo sauce
Add a packet of McDonald's mexican style salsa
Add a packet of Texas Pete hot sauce
Add a packet of Heinz dip & squeeze
Add a packet of KFC sauce
Add a packet of Church's Chicken honey Smoky-Q
Add a packet of Subway red wine vinegar
Add a packet of Heinz hot taco sauce
Add a packet of Chick-Fill-A sauce
Add a packet of Chick-Fill-A sweet and spicy sriracha sauce
Add a packet of Jack in the box shhhh.... secret sauce
Add a packet of McDonald's grape jam
Add a packet of McDonald's hot mustard
Add a packet of Rally's Red Hot Buffalo sauce
Add a packet of Burger King barbecue sauce
Add a packet of Jack in the box creamy avocado lime sauce
Add a packet of Wendy's honey mustard
Add a packet of Heinz tomato ketchup
Add a packet of Chick-Fill-A honey mustard sauce
Add a packet of salt

mmmmmmmmmmmm (insert joke that is pro Ayn Rand)

Well at least Justin's not here.

Slightly less ad-libbed, as repetitious as ever in its jokes and play. Space Applebees caught you offguard last time? Well here's Cheers under an alien's ass. In case you didn't catch that the slugs are on the salt planet, I'll tell you a few more times. Guys, Amazon workers deal with horrid conditions, get it? Knifey sure is violent.

The new pinball gun is the most interesting weapon in the game, adorned with three phat ass babbling blue boys. High on Knife mostly throws basic enemies at you as a realisation that the gameplay really isn't what you're here for. The bells and whistles providing some auditory relief. Press F to pay respects kill enemies instantly and get it over with. Surfing on walls is vaguely cool if poorly realised, especially with Knifey telling you the act itself is cool.

As paltry as the gameplay is, at least it can be engaged with while the cast is yammering. On the other side of the coin, whenever dialogue occurs it is usually two characters talking at you. Or three. Sometimes even four. Three quarters of the screen are eventually squatted in by characters in dark rooms with monotone pink walls and swarms of pink enemies. To call it an assault on the eyes and ears is to undersell it. Maybe it was because thirteen people were goofing in my ears the whole time. Even before the aggravations reach a crescendo, the eye drifts across a featureless white planet, and rote gunmetal corridors. Almost everyone is a slug or a cock with tits. There is simply nothing to break things up.

At least Justin's not here. Not a stammer in sight. As one-dimensional as he is, Knifey carries(?) the whole two hours thanks to Michael Cusack's performance. Though by the end I was hoping even he would shut up. And Tim Robinson. And Gabourey Sidibe. I wish they'd all just zip it for a second if only so my friends could hear my great jokes instead.

"This place is not a place of honor... no highly esteemed deed is commemorated here... nothing valued is here." - Waste Isolation Pilot Project, New Mexico

99 crabs stuff themselves into the bucket of a Mute City that has been widened just enough to make the mechanics trivial when in a breakaway, and yet still tight enough that the main pack racing may as well be done with marbles, as you bounce down straightaways five wide that at best can handle 3 wide.

It is so very very stupid, and to play and even appreciate F-zero 99 you really need to bring yourself down to it's level. This is not a place of honor, where calculated decisions and mechanical skill decides whether you win. This is as close to a simulation of the middle ground between being a pachinko ball as there will ever be. And that, in it's own way, is kinda remarkable. As 99 people step into a 2.5 minute race, you personally get to witness and participate in the net wastage of 4 man hours. I have won a game of this and I fundementally thought i drove way worse in it than a race I came 70th in. I cannot overstate what a clusterfuck it is.

There are some thought out elements, granted. F zero's boost system being so perilous works remarkably well for 99, as you're encouraged to push your luck as far as you can possibly take it if you want to win, which leads to even more chaotic and swingy final laps where half the field will probably just die. It does have the effect htat you can basically place well in every race just by trundling about at extremely low risk though, which is a bit lame. The comeback mechanics, which are absurdly neccessary as otherwise any early breakaway would win by a mile, are probably too powerful but as I mentioned, this is not a game for anyone serious so somehow more madness is appreciated.

F-Zero 99 is so cursed that it kinda loops back to being fun. A cynical repackaging of thing you like chasing a trend that died a good 3 or 4 years ago, somehow has less content than the Threadbare snes Original, fucks up the gameplay, and feels like it wasnt ever tested with the full player count. I'd say it was the most disposable game ever made if it werent for that last of these nintendo BRs being literally born to be in service for like 3 months.

I don't hate it. It's quite clearly terrible and pointless and a giant waste of time for everyone involved, and is at best kinda fun, but there is some art in that. When you're all in the brain melter together, you have to laugh, or you'll cry.