"Way back when in '08
I was the dandy of Ishimura
Sweet things from Visceral
So young and willing
Moved down to Activision
Where the hell am I?
Calipso Prostatecolon is definetely a videogame released in 2022. It has everything, like graphics and sounds and you can kill the zombie and the zombie is not called a zombie it's a necromorph necrophage biomorph biophage and you punch him and he dies and it's :)
Utterly generic endeavour into sci fi horror, more preocupied with being a big action movie that you can play rather than being a cool game like it's spiritual grand papy, Dead Space. Karen Fukuhara and Starkiller (you know who he is, the bald guy and also Deacon in Days Gone apparently?) are completely wasted on their roles in this one. Just hunks of meat running around on a boring if beautifully done enviroment. Dead Space at least gave you cool setpieces and hid the cinematics pretty well, not yanking the controller out of your hands to show you how Space Person Number 3 dies a horrible, painful death. If you know what happens in the plot of this thing I'm calling bullshit.
On the meaty side, the combat is pretty solid, although with almost no variety or customization to the tools you're given (besides your electric club, you get 2 shotguns, 2 pistols and an smg). Guns are whatever, but the melee in this one does feel like an evolution to the action horror formula, with some basic but fun combos that make you want to go apeshit on those little hoes, just don't expect a deep system like some people imply it has, it's just a brawler with some nice sound effects. The gravity gauntlet is also pretty fun, pretty well designed towards combat and can become hilarously broken if you know what you're upgrading.
On the bad side, it's extremely funny that the game decides to implement stealth, spending a lot of time showing you how a certain type of enemy behaves when your ability to make strawberry jam out of them is equal to the rest of the pitifully small rooster of enemies. Like really, there are at best 4-5 types of dudes in there, and by the end it ends up recycling the end game style of Dead Space of making the enemies a different color and beeffier . Also why the fuck are there so many wall spikes everywhere? Even in the fucking infirmary you have a giant wall full of spikes ready to be used on whoever decides to slightly inconvenience you.
Jesus, the Call of Duty mines really do break a man. This felt so vapid to play, with barely any ideas of its own to the point you can tell the developers running back and fort between a room with 50 screens playing a Dead Space playthrough and Ghosts of Mars on repeat. Ceterum autem censeo Activision esse delendam.
P.D: One interesting thing about this game is that like the Dead Space Monolyth, it resurrected it's main inspiration from the dead. We have yet to see if what comes out is a horrible necromorph or our sweet savior, Frankenhooker.

Reviewed on Dec 26, 2022