Captivatingly bad through it's entire playtime. The hindenburg disaster for kid's horror, "Oh the kid humanity". I actually finished this a week ago (I think, memory's hazy) but I needed to play something that didn't bring horrible migraines to me to cope. There are spoilers for the final boss on this review, if you care about it.

Hilarously paced so you can't refund it, with elevators taking a minute on average to get you from one point to another with 0 dialogue or ambient sound and puzzles taking a caucasoidic amount of time to complete and never hesitating to throw you back to the beginning if you fail at them (or the game decides you did). Whatever gameplay there actually feels designed to be as nefarious as possible to the player, reusing one of the worst puzzles I ever played on the previous game but making it actually worse, and then repeated it again. It felt a lot like Samsara, in a way. Shoutout to that puzzle where you have to find blocks in a room and then put everything back in place before the green bastard comes back, they somehow made it so obtuse and difficult I had to retry it multiple times. And the "final boss" oh my god the final boss, screeching alongside the wet fart noise on the soundboard my torturers decided to bring alone this play and throwing you an untextured blue orb that kills you if you are on the same platform, and then bounces in a clearly not intended pattern. The boss is also untextured.

It supposedly has a story, but I was being spammed with sounds to a dissorienting degree. The car ride for example (which is hilarious and I genuinely think you should experience all the games to feel it) was being drowned by the trap remix of Everywhere at the End of Time on repeat, making me question my decision to be closer to people.
Really, this time the sound was unbearable with Laura Palmer farting alongside Gordon Ramsay telling me to end myself reverberating on my headphones (I'm accepting donations to replace them. They aren't broken but are forever cursed by this experience).

Please leave your kids alone in a room with an ipad with access to a youtube playlist full of people playing this game. We will be coming back for Banban 4, unless my PC mysteriously gets hit by an axe repeatedly.

Lo Wang... shantay, you stay.
Duke Nukem has sashayed away.

Honestly, if you asked me back in the day which one of the three BIG build engine FPS (Duke Nukem 3D, Blood and Shadow Warrior) would still have staying power 20 years later, I would have never guessed it would be Shadow Warrior. An absolute product of it's time, the original one was definetely the weaker of the build trifecta, noticeably more clunky than the other two, those weapons are barely balanced and for some god forsaken reason it has platforming, and with a less direct aesthetic that barely pays attention to if we are honest (it's supposed to be martial arts/asian action movie themed).

15 years later, Blood has been fucking dead for 13 years, Duke Nukem has finally commited ritualistic suicide via Forever, and somehow Shadow Warrior managed to get...a pretty good comeback. Released during The Great FPS Drought of the early 10's, it stood out pretty well against the likes of Called Duties, BeetleFields, and Hey Lous with a more arcade approach to the formula and a more prominent focus on melee (the sword in one is really good, really wish I could play the game melee only) with a story that didn't take itself seriously, racistly at all. Afterwards came 2 which is a looter shooter and focuses more on the ure7i9mvwhpoi07shnm< ´w`ztndt7uff€fsnevbrnchuyrchinvestigatethemoonlandinguunuuuuszjuikn fgkujsijbn fsjk<iñuszybghcsurfip´ñcws8y.

And then there was 3, a honest surprise for me considering how utterly no bueno 2 was compared to the first release. Gone is the soulless attempt at being a Borderlandslike (El Diablo en el Juego), leaving us with a pretty good FPS with quite a bit of platforming. You can say that part is kinda mediocre tho, but considering it's 5 hours long I'd say it thankfully doesn't overstay it's welcome, being a good palette cleanser in between arena fights with pretty colorful enemies and a combat system sweating profusely hoping you don't notice it's Doom Eternal but clunkier. What that entrails is basically: You run around an arena on an open field, managing your resources (lead and health) while you stunt on them hoes, which in turn gives you rewards. Its addition to the formula comes in the form of chaning the gore kills to instead of refreshing your pool of resources giving you a temporary power up in the form of a weapon or an AoE tool, to which it adds up more components as the game progress up to nearly the end. Your own tools, that is to say the weapons, or the rooty tooty point and shooties, are the standard FPS package, with the caveat that the shotgun is replaced by dual SMGs as the work horse. They can also be customized to add some pretty neat effects and customize your flow in the arenas. Pretty sax IT fart Toriel, if you ask me.

My one main gripe with the game is how utterly (excuse my french) cringe the whole ordeal is. Lo Wang never, ever shuts the fuck up about every fucking thought he has about the current affairs, sounding like what I imagine Deadpool talks like in the MCU movies. Be it references, jokes about how the thing that he killed is dead or just thought farts, you will be sure to wish the sweet release of death got you. And don't get me started on the cutscenes, with the vomit inducing camera work they have, moving constantly even when the most inane shit is happening on screen. Hoji and Lo Wang are totally lovers, I don't need to get the sexual tension they both display onscreen shattered by the breakneck speed of the cinematics.

All in all, a pretty good experience if you like FPS that rely heavily on movement or can name 10 MCU movies, although if you don't like spending I'd suggest waiting for a sale, since it's on the short site. Or get it by totally legal methods. But I can't do that with FPS, since my brain has been hardwired to want to have them all. If anyone from Frlying Wild Hog is reading this, I'll gladly accept a key for Evil West, which considering the following I have here will result in a decrease on sales. That I assure you.

Jesus Fucking Christ that was so bad I fucking hate my life. The cacophony of sound was unbearable this time, specially since it's x2 times the lenght of the original, and now the game also screams and shouts and laughs at you with honest to god one of the worst voice acting I have ever heard on my life. Thottie Banban could get it tho.
I had to restart multiple times because of the sheer wailling on my headphones preventing me from learning how to play and it actually crashed once when I was doing a puzzle. Feels profoundly more caucasian than the previous game, somehow.

I played this bullshit while getting spammed Better Call Saul riffs, Laura Palmer screams and a miriad of other funny meme sounds at x10 the sound they should play, I got so fucking dissoriented I thought I was going to have a panic attack. All just to get the intended experience by the devs: A child who still hasn't learned how to read, has been left alone by their parents and is still susceptible to the sweet release of an epileptic fit.

This is what stimulates your cousin for 14 hours straight every single day. Actual hell on earth.

Yeah another FPS review, go get a chest tattoo about it.

Pretty good game built on the GZDoom engine with an absolutely insane sized levels that still never go out of their way to be annoying as some parts of OG Doom can totally be. There are no minotaur mazes in here, just space bases and a metric shitton of zombies and aliens, and that's all fine by me, because the amount of detail displayed on here rivals the build engine guys, although I have to admit there really isn't much under the hood in regards to gameplay and mechanics: This is still a key hunting game primarly, and the guns that appear on the EA release are your basic pistol, faster pistol , shotgun (I do have to admit the triple barrel shot is wild, through difficult to aim) and Boomthrower.

All in all a pretty solid rooty tooty point and shooty, really excited to see we are getting past the shitshow of 2021-2022 early access fps release.

Barely disguised (and honestly pretty terrible) fetish be damned my boy can cook a non-traditional boomer FPS!

Hot on the heels of the retro FPS revival comes a pretty interesting take on the mind fuckery and cooky gunfeel from both Outlaws and Marathon (something the devs fully admit), combining the esoteric ramblings of Bungie's and the gameplay style of Lucasart's foray into first person action. In a pretty succesfull way, I might add. From the reload of the "meta-magnum" (Jodorowsky eat your heart out) to the fairly big selection of optional types of ammo and fire capacity the game gives you. The enemy positioning and space on the levels can create some really fun and tense situations, where you actually need to take into account reloading and ammo capacity.

It's origin from the faraway lands of Zipango adds, in my opinion, some interesting differences from the usual formula of western rooty tooty point and shooty, like the platforming being an integral part of the level structure and a pretty effective (I'm looking at you, Fi Da Puti Samurai) anime aesthetic.

Sadly the game has some pretty noticeable holes in it's presentation, like the almost absent plot besides the most wireframe justification for you to go from point A and B, given to you in the first 30 seconds of play. But first and foremost, my main gripe is the design of its enemies and even the protagonist itself. The fact the enemies explode into a shower of viscera and oddly sexual appendages is honestly a choice(tm) that I wish they kept on their personal drives and MAYBE ghost release it as a mod if they really wanted for the world to see it. And don't get me started on the actual designs of some characters, I dread for the devs if they ever do a Q&A and get asked their opinion on the age of consent worldwide.

All in all, a pretty good inclusion into the modern FPS landscape, never overstaying it's welcome. Don't check the devs' twitter.

"Way back when in '08
I was the dandy of Ishimura
Sweet things from Visceral
So young and willing
Moved down to Activision
Where the hell am I?"

Calipso Prostatecolon is definetely a videogame released in 2022. It has everything, like graphics and sounds and you can kill the zombie and the zombie is not called a zombie it's a necromorph necrophage biomorph biophage and you punch him and he dies and it's :)

Utterly generic endeavour into sci fi horror, more preocupied with being a big action movie that you can play rather than being a cool game like it's spiritual grand papy, Dead Space. Karen Fukuhara and Starkiller (you know who he is, the bald guy and also Deacon in Days Gone apparently?) are completely wasted on their roles in this one. Just hunks of meat running around on a boring if beautifully done enviroment. Dead Space at least gave you cool setpieces and hid the cinematics pretty well, not yanking the controller out of your hands to show you how Space Person Number 3 dies a horrible, painful death. If you know what happens in the plot of this thing I'm calling bullshit.

On the meaty side, the combat is pretty solid, although with almost no variety or customization to the tools you're given (besides your electric club, you get 2 shotguns, 2 pistols and an smg). Guns are whatever, but the melee in this one does feel like an evolution to the action horror formula, with some basic but fun combos that make you want to go apeshit on those little hoes, just don't expect a deep system like some people imply it has, it's just a brawler with some nice sound effects. The gravity gauntlet is also pretty fun, pretty well designed towards combat and can become hilarously broken if you know what you're upgrading.

On the bad side, it's extremely funny that the game decides to implement stealth, spending a lot of time showing you how a certain type of enemy behaves when your ability to make strawberry jam out of them is equal to the rest of the pitifully small rooster of enemies. Like really, there are at best 4-5 types of dudes in there, and by the end it ends up recycling the end game style of Dead Space of making the enemies a different color and beeffier . Also why the fuck are there so many wall spikes everywhere? Even in the fucking infirmary you have a giant wall full of spikes ready to be used on whoever decides to slightly inconvenience you.

Jesus, the Call of Duty mines really do break a man. This felt so vapid to play, with barely any ideas of its own to the point you can tell the developers running back and fort between a room with 50 screens playing a Dead Space playthrough and Ghosts of Mars on repeat. Ceterum autem censeo Activision esse delendam.

P.D: One interesting thing about this game is that like the Dead Space Monolyth, it resurrected it's main inspiration from the dead. We have yet to see if what comes out is a horrible necromorph or our sweet savior, Frankenhooker.

-No little german dev don't go to the anime cave!
+Oh mein Gott zees is ein cave full of geimu inhalt

The other heavily anime inspired sci-fi game with a latin title that released this year, and easily the most memorable of the two, Ilya Kushinov eat your heart out.

An extremely satisfying inclusion to the survival horror genre, this game does just the right work on the true and tested formula of earlier games like Silent Hill and Resident Evil to make it feel, with a spotless resource management system that really has you sweating over long corridors or cursing yourself over every diminute mistake you make (the auto lock on worked flawlessly for me, which made it even more desperating whenever I missed a shot by panic clicking) and some pretty entertaining puzzles that are easy to follow, sans one or two somewhat long trial and error puzzles where you just have to turn a bunch of stuff around until it goes click.

Where the game loses me is in its presentation. Whenever the game is about the inner workings of this future wasteland of a galaxy we have come to inhabitate I'm completely hooked, even more with the main character's position in all of it and how it's shown ingame. The problem is, a huge part of the aesthetics of the game felt to me as just moody anime, sticking out of the other styles it's packaged with to the point I dreaded to see a cinematic play out whenever I entered an important looking room, hoping it would not be just another anime girl looking at the camera with melancholically sad eyes. It doesn't really help that the last part felt like a pretty rushed copy of Silent Hill.

All in all, this one's for the road. I really recommend it to anyone who has even a passing interest in survival horror, aand I bet it's even more enjoyable if you aren't burned out of the internet anime noosphere. Weebness be damned those Casque à pointe can work a game!
No 9/11 joke today, I haven't really felt disco in a couple of weeks.

It's kinda fucked up how Sheb Wooley gets relieved that the Purple People Eater only eats purple people. Sure he came to be in a rock and roll band but if he ever gets to a purple person it's over. And he isn't even that good, to be honest. I still think he easily beats Alvin and his devilspawn brothers, we truly live in the worst timeline possible.

In his seminal work, "スペインはアメリカから鉱物を返還しなければならない (Supein wa Amerika kara kōbutsu o henkan shinakereba naranai)" Liquidrocks calls this game a love letter filled with anthrax and after thoroughly playing it and barely paying attention to it I tend to agree with him. This isn't game as much as a shoutbox for Suda51. He's at his most caustic here, going through a list of grievances and screaming and each and everyone of them.

The only place he really holds back is in regards to what I assume he considers his peers, the indie game scene (specifically the western one, and predominantly Devolver at that), constantly showing how they have come to inspire him, narratively speaking at least. Playing this made me remember fondly the times when I started playing videogames, being utterly enthralled by the magic of computers and consoles. There was a whole summer where I pretended to be a Warcraft 3 unit, clicking the ground in my mind to move around the house and looking at the sky wondering if the aliens would get me like in the Sims 2.

This acidic tirade can be a doubled edged sword since it looks like the list that includes you, the player. Simply put, this is not enjoyable to play roughly 70% of the time, with mediocre beat em 'up action and barebones rgp mechanics with skills and yadda yadda. It also doesn't help that you all of the six stages feel like they are about double the lenght they should be and barely use the gimmick of the game they take place in. The only break in monotony are some visual novel segments with their own highs and lows, exceeding at criticizing the medium but in my opinion failing at making the self references to Suda's previous work feel anything but reculer. This was a dissapointment to me, as I expected to vibe with this part of the story, but I ended up looking at what felt to me a man masturbating inside his own game about how cool his other games are. Granted if I ever finish making any of the projects I envision I would do the same 24/7 but it would have class, baby.

All in all a really mixed bag to me, saved by the charm of it all and the pretty well done message of pain inflicted upon the creator. Also Boneface fucking rules, straight A on the designs. 9/11 didn't happen.

2012, Hell, USA. 2 years after Avatar released Mark Wahlberg, known for his roles in The Bourne Identity and making burgers, once said "If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn't have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, 'OK, we're going to land somewhere safely, don't worry.' " in regards to the tragic accident that occured on that fateful day of September, 2001. I lean on believing him, his claims supported by the fact that his hamburguers are 100% 9/11 proof. It's obvious that he was a man who marched through life to the rhythms of some drum I would never hear.

How do you even wax philosophically about this game? From the utterly incomprehensible neo noir mystery of Correctness, the spook POV of Matchmaker, and the kifsdoeupjvei3esdz0dgfombghoijzw3 of Placebo, this game refuses to be understood. Sheer style carries it while it jumps from one horror inducing plot point to the next like a gibbon in the jungle.

The best way to resume of this game would be "Conspiracies are real, fuck you. Also Twin Peaks The Return rules". It's acutally kinda interesting how it mirrors a lot of the stuff David Lynch had to say in 2017 but in 2005 and in Japan. Your role in this...thing is that of an observer, made privy to the secret and terrible beauty of the modern world. Hard boiled detectives trying their hardest to not succumb to their old wounds in an urban hell that just won't let sleeping dogs lie.

The leviathan we call internet is extremely present through all of this, it's teenagers telling me to kill myself vividly present alongside actual useful information about the shadows that lurk in the 25th Ward. More than in Silver Case, here the net appears as both the messiah and the anti christ, cursing and assisting the protagonists during their journies of self-discovery and unmasking the lethal intentions of bureaucracy.

In summary, I made this review solely to try and get Josh_The_Fourth and have more likes than him like I did on Flower, Sneed and Rain. I didn't get shit on this one, I just wrote stuff to sound cool. I guess society is bad or something? Fuck the Police or the shadow police? There's a high schooler there somewhere too. She sees ghosts I think. Maybe there is no Heaven. Or maybe this is all pure gibberish—a product of the demented imagination of a lazy drunken hillbilly with a heart full of hate who has found a way to live out where the real winds blow—to sleep late, have fun, get wild, drink whisky, and drive fast on empty streets with nothing in mind except falling in love and not getting arrested. Res ipsa loquitur. Let the good times roll.