Is this what people are talking about when they've become too used to the refined controls and design of modern games and then go back to the prior versions of them? Cause I just got done with Odyssey and holey moley I do not like this. Just like everyone else, I don't like the camera, which often flat-out refuses to let you adjust to an easier angle for yourself, and also (a common trait among all the gamecube games it appears) makes it so pushing the analog left turns the camera right and vice versa without an option to invert. I don't like how everything, from jumping, aiming the nozzle, chasing after goopy Mario and then spraying him, accidentally sliding on goop or slopes that don't look like slopes, leaping high enough to get a nearby ledge, is a struggle. The Petey Pirhana fight in midair in the first world was not difficult per se, but was rather such a chore, so much work when Odyssey's boss fights were snappy and fun. I knew what I had to do but it took so long between Petey's behaviors and the way Mario controls, and I can't imagine how I would have gotten through it if Dolphin didn't have save states (also it figures too, because I recognize Petey in Mario Kart 8 and he's a fuckin asshole in that game too).

But you wanna know what I really don't like about this game? The voice acting. And not just that, but voice acting which thereby necessitates more, and frankly unnecessary, exposition to justify it. What's it doing here? Mario is still just Charles Martinet hoots and whoops, so what was enhanced by everyone else delivering real voice work to a "why Mario needs to jump on shit this time" story? Take a look at this. First you fight a token baddie and meet your latest sidekick/game mechanic, then you get sent to jail and the Delfino floofers put Mario on trial and make a long compelling case proving him guilty of the crime of polluting the city and sentence him to island arrest till the pollution is finally cleaned up, then in jail FLUDD explains that you were indeed found guilty of polluting the city, and goes into detail that without the precious shine tokens the good floofer people of Delfino can't possibly ever holy shit I don't fucking care. It's a Mario 3D platformer, not Inherit the Wind, wrap it up! And to make matters worse, goopy Mario tries to kidnap peach, spilling the distinct black goopy muck everywhere all the while, and Mario chases him around town, in full view of the floofers. It's now obvious to them that Mario didn't cause the pollution! So what are we doing here?! Look, games don't have to have compelling stories, sometimes there just has to be something there to make the gameplay happen. But if you're going to bother with a more developed story, it's on your ass to do it right!

Compare that to the setup for Odyssey: "Ah, goddamn, looks like bowser kidnapped peach, and also my hat sister! To go get him, we have to collect moons to power my ship and follow him around the world! Got it? Okay, let's go!" Five seconds flat. Now let's go have some fun, collecting souvenirs and outfits, and possessing enemies, and utilizing the very best moveset a Mario game has ever had, wahoo! Meanwhile, there's no fun to be had with your stiff, cold, milquetoast companion here. Man, I hate FLUDD. FLUDD is like if your dopey classmate in fifth grade who reminded the teacher they didn't assign homework yet was programmed into a water-spray robot you can't ever leave. Truly, Mario is in jail, serving a sentence, if he has to complete his adventure with this dweeb.

I played 64 long after the fact, as a grown up, and thought at the time that, despite how important it is in games history, it was awkward to control most of the time, and I didn't like its design of "see this world? now go back into it and do six more chores." I'm glad that back in 2002 Nintendo saw my notes and decided to make it even worse.

The last Mario game I played was ah, a time, but this is exactly the kind of cozy Mario game I was looking for. Instead of the “you can’t go any further unless you head back to this world and do more chores” design of 64 or Sunshine, we have a whole world full of things to collect, with the minimum required to progress readily available and and a massive amount of them for completion’s sake waiting for you if you want to find them. Maybe if you pile up goombas then this down-bad goomba lady will give you a moon, maybe if I smack this rabbit with my hat he’ll, etc. And unlike my last experience, plenty of reasonable checkpoints and a whole slew of coins to pool from if you happen to lose a life, so now you can jump into pools of lava and poison sludge, or bump into a goomba or koopa shell, completely consequence-free. Oh sure, by all means do whatever you can to The Graduate Bowser’s latest forced-wedding service with Princess Peach, but now it also includes sightseeing, occasionally looking for collectibles if you want to, giving up if you really don’t, and amassing a huge wardrobe.

And after the difficulties I suffered with Mario last time, the costumes in this was an exercise in pure retributive sadism. How much physical and psychological harm can I inflict on this goofy little man by making omnipotent decisions on what he is to wear? Oh, are you in a desert land with blazing sun above and hot sand as far as the eye can see? I’m putting you in a down parka and winter boots. A frozen wasteland of ice and biting wind? Well, you better enjoy your fingers and toes while you still got em, cause you’re only in your skivvies now. And if you need to swing by a bustling metropolis full of modern cosmopolitan men and women in fancy dapper suits, I’m putting you in a poncho and sombrero, everyone’s going to think you’re a freaking racist. I’m going to make you stare down certain death at the hands of a hulking electric dragon in flippers and a floatey tube and a snorkel, very good for mobility those, not to mention good conductors of electricity. What a beautiful beach resort land full of bubbly sparkling clear water. Would be a real shame if someone were to make you wear full samurai armor. I have deep closets, I have clashing golf ensembles, French chef outfits, even the ugly purple and yellow work uniforms from the retailer that all the costumes come from, even, quite literally, a clown suit. You hurt me once, Mario, and now I’m going to make you look fucking ridiculous