The first Phantasy Star on the Sega Master System was a surprise to me. Maybe it's a feeling I had that because it was the oldest one in the series on an earlier console it would be bad? It's dated in many ways but bad? Not even close. Impressive art, music and technical feats on the system made it a really fun little game. The second Phantasy Star title is equally a surprise to me but literally in the polar opposite direction. I assumed because it was on the megadrive it and a sequel it would be an improvement on everything laid before it.

I was wrong.

I actually kind of actively hate this game and I just didn't expect that going in. The story starts with an interesting premise. Set 1000 years after Phantasy Star the Algol star system is ruled by a super computer called Mother Brain that has made every decision for it's residents. Controlling everything to make their lives easy but when something goes wrong they are not equipped to deal with it. As an agent of the governor you are chosen to find out the cause behind a new wave of monsters appearing due to Mother Brain not taking action. I like the idea a lot of people becoming too dependent to act on their own though the game never feels like that in the actual world.

The 80s/90s anime sci-fi visual design is still quite striking. Characters have mixture of, knives, boomerangs, magic, laser swords and plasma pistols in a mixture of high fantasy and sci-fi. It's a great blend the game works well cohesively with the character designs of shoulder pads and big hair dos with obvious Star Wars influences. Whilst I like the art and atmosphere I did find it actually less impressive from a technical standpoint than it's predecessor. The dungeons losing their first person view into the more traditional top down exploration with that was disappointing though, but that's the least of the dungeons problems.

They. Are. Terrible.

Initially they aren't too bad but as the game progressed further and further my drive to continue lessened with my progress. Each dungeon is a giant sprawling maze filled with warp points zooming you from floor to floor. It's full of unrewarding dead ends and twists with no in game map to help you navigate the labyrinthine nightmares. It's no wonder on release the game came with a guide book with a walkthrough and maps, they knew. I followed an online walkthrough in the end because I couldn't see myself brute forcing through without one. At one point the guide describes a new dungeon you come to as: "The first floor has no less than 69 chutes leading up to the next floor (No, I'm not kidding. There really are 69 chutes. Stop laughing.)" and many later are even worse. In an interview in 1993 whilst promoting Phantasy Star IV the game designer Kotaro Hayashida discusses Phantasy Star II and when asked about the dungeons he is translated as stating:

"Another issue was related to the dungeons, which were created by a new employee. Because he was new, he put a ton of effort into the maps and kind of overdid it… the game became more about the complex dungeons than anything else. I think you really see that on the Dezolis dungeons. They were really well done, and when Chieko Aoki saw them she didn’t want all the new employee’s work to be for naught, so we ended up using those maps… albeit with some mixed feelings. They contributed to the latter half of the game being unbalanced"

I agree with this though think Phantasy Star II being generally unbalanced from the get go. Due to the huge twisting warping bland looking dungeons and encounters every two steps the amount of combat in the game is kind of staggering. The amount of experience you get from them though is pitiful to the point that grinding and battling over and over just to gain one level up that does little towards improving your overall strength made the experience of playing extremely tedious. (Fans have created a double money, double experience hack due to this) I was even using fast forward playing this on the Playstation 4 Megadrive collection so god only knows how it would have felt at the original speed. To compound matters the games combat feels slightly unwieldly but to it's credit also a little ahead of it's time in some ways. There is a button to fight where the party will just auto combat each turn. In between you can manually select orders to the team to make them use spells, items or defend but it means going through extra menu steps each time unnecessarily. The menus generally feel kind of poorly implemented and equipping items, giving them to each other or using healing spells outside of battle was irritating every time. Despite all of this I did continue on as I wanted to see all the game had to offer only to reach an ending that actually made me think all the effort flat wasn't worth it.

In the same interview mentioned above on shupcompilations they discuss the game originally being made on the Master System then changed and ported in an extremely short amount of time. It sounds like it was a miracle and hard work the game came out at all to which I respect them greatly. I'm glad I finally finished the first RPG released on the Sega Megadrive and such a pillar of gaming history I was missing. It doesn't change my opinion though that Phantasy Star II is actually pretty poorly designed and not actually very fun to play.

As a Sega fan, retro gaming fan and RPG fan, this hurt to write. Half a star for the art design though, especially the cover art. Hitoshi Yoneda's work is stunning.

+ I like the story premise.
+ The ingame art design and promotional artwork is wonderful with a blend of high fantast and tech heavy sci-fi.

- It has possible the worst dungeons of the nearly 150 JRPGs I have played. Extremely tedious. Every one made me want to quit.
- It's a huge grind but feels unrewarding with it.
- Story is generally unsatisfying.

This is my second attempt to play Castlevania: Lords of Shadow. I originally bought it when it launched in 2010 having been hyped by the launch trailer with Patrick Stewart and Robert Carlyle narrating. Its been 14 years since then and all I remember is not enjoying it much and eventually trading it in but nothing specific about it. A friend of mine bought it so we decided to play through it together as Castlevania fans, what could go wrong?

Everything about this game feels bad to play.

Let's start with the protagonist Gabriel Belmont, he has all the personality and emotional range of a slab of granite. Literally anything that happens gives him no reaction at all like the developers forgot to animate his face. A magic horse teleporting in next to him? No problem. Giant titan smashing out of the lake? Sure. Dead wife appearing in front of him? It's Tuesday. Not a flicker of acknowledgement of surprising events like an animated corpse. His voice actor Robert Carlyle is normally a great performer but it doesn't seem like he was given much direction here. Perhaps it's because voice acting is a very different skill? but it really sounds like he is just reading off a script. Perhaps I'm underselling him here and he is acting to the characters visually displayed emotions, which is absolutely nothing, so in fact an A+ performance.

I could overlook this if the game was fun to play and control Granite Belmont but that's actually the worst part, by a country mile. It's a 3D action game but has a fixed camera with a soft lock following the action. Because the game lacks personality as much as Mr. Granite it's essentially a God of War clone but it fails to understand the level design to make that enjoyable leaving large dead zones of the camera view constantly. The combat just feels terrible, It's slow but not deliberate. Attacks lack weight and impact yet everything is unresponsive at the same time. The controls are somewhat baffling in their design to compound this further. Roll is on L2 with the left analog stick, the right analog stick doesn't seem to be used at all as you can't control the camera. There is no manual lock on to attack enemies, just a soft lock that's easy to lose. It's feels so cumbersome, even after a few hours it still felt like we were learning the controls.

A second friend came by when we were playing and gave it a go and their only impression was "This doesn't feel good does it?"

You can buy more combos for your whip using experience gained through combat but none of them feel easy to pull off or actually useful in any way when you do. The whip completely lacks impact. Enemies will just interrupt you mid attack so most the time hit and run is the most effective strategy. It's Castlevania yet you get access to one sub weapon of a throwing knife and two magic spells of light and shadow. Light heals you, shadow increases your attack. It's...coloured auras in which you collect orbs from enemies with L3 or R3 depending which pool you want to refill. Getting access to this IP and only giving that as options feels so...derivative.

This complete lack of imagination extends to the level and enemy designs equally. Enemies are bland fantasy archetypes of werewolves, trolls, goblins, and spiders. We completed 14 levels in two chapters with several hours of play and barely saw anything else. This is a series known for animated armour, floating medusa heads, dancing ghosts, chimeras etc. How do you take the past games and boil them down to such uninteresting foes? The first main level after the tutorial fight was a swamp you slowly trudge through with some goblins. It's so painfully generic but it's not even done well or designed interestingly to make it fresh. It utterly lacks the panache and style of the series it's based on.

It feels like it's aged terribly going back to it, it has all the worst aspects of the PS3 era. Quick time events for finishing enemies or traversing with a circle going into another circle. Balancing to cross a beam and having to hold R2 if you are about to fall. The game also constantly takes control away from you like it's mansplaining everything feeling incredibly patronising. Constant tutorials, pop ups, camera sweeps. Just let me play the game! I know I can pick up items with R2, I've been playing for over 2 hours! It treats you like your memory is wiped every 15 minutes.

The game tries to be a large epic with high production values with epic music and voice acting yet there are large chunks of levels with no music at all but it's not atmospheric, just empty. What music there is is forgettable like a generic orchestral theme for a summer block buster but no punch or stand out beats. Like trailer music.

After several hours my friend and I just called it quits. Maybe it gets better further on? I am aware of the twist but after learning there were still 34 more levels we just didn't actually want to play anymore. We moved onto Space Marine after this as my friend hadn't played it and the quality difference on the same system was night and day. Full camera movement, easy fluid to use controls, and interestingly a better frame rate and clearer image quality. It really just emphasized all of this game's flaws.

The thing is, I'm sad about this. We wanted to like this, we wanted to beat it and play Lords of Shadow 2 to fill in some gaps in our Castlevania history and see Granite Belmont's story unfold. There isn't an original idea to be had here though and everything just feels so banal with it. Playing this feels like a PS3 game with all the negatives that sentence implies. It takes the worst aspects of gaming in that generation and merges them together but above all it's just forgettable.

Even Patrick Stewart can't save this.

+ I like Granite Slab's outfit.

- Awful camera, controls and combat.
- Bland level, skills and enemy designs.
- Gabriel has the personality of a plank of wood used in a button measuring contest.
- Everything feels so safe and by the numbers like designed by committee.

Frequently enthralling in theory, occasionally stumbling in practice, yet incredibly beguiling in retrospect. Like Alan Wake, this is a game that toys with spooky contradictions and the grueling concept of ‘process’. Yet unlike that game (besides this being actually good), this is less a twisting narrative about the complicated and often defeating journey of creating art and deconstructing success than one about the sheer mundane becoming extraordinary and introducing order from such a chaotic dynamic. Elements and objects of everyday existence are touched with the supernatural and the obvious American response to this is to transform these newfound and wondrous discoveries into bureaucratic nonsense; where even the forces of capitalist labor inevitably puncture. Remedy stretches these ideas to its absolute limit, nothing feeling shortchanged through the extensive notes and tapes littered around the map. While I think the game is afraid to allow the player to deduce these simplistic connections (Jesse being a talkative cipher yet largely devoid of personality) it’s pretty wild that a AAA title was allowed to be this devoted to such an overtly antagonistic and distinct aesthetic. The brutalist design here is utterly astonishing in how it invites the player to partake in the haywire destruction of office and industrial spaces; witnessing antiquated practices and oppressive structures devolve into otherworldly abstraction. Perhaps that’s the greatest credit I could owe to Remedy despite the overwritten (yet unsentimental) nature of their creation. Anyways the DLC expansions here are rather bloated and lack the grace and active sense of visual innovation that the base game carried, and the overall experience falls into the familiar trapping of chaining endless enemy encounters as its climax in lieu of something as bold as the first two acts. Ultimately, it’s a game I haven’t stopped thinking about while and since playing. The playful and surreal world Remedy has intricately crafted here shows vast promise and the slick gameplay loop is as addictive and deeply satisfying as it is explosively chic.

Holy crap, what a weird rabbit hole playing Grimace’s Birthday caused me to fall into…

This is a free web browser game playable on phones from McDonald’s that was released as part of a Happy Meal marketing campaign to promote the film. An idea they stole from Jack in the Box by the way. In it you play as a 3D model of Sonic that looks uncomfortably like something out of a unlicensed project lurking in the bowels of a second or third-rate flash gaming site, and with a deeper voice than the one in Sonic Frontiers. The gameplay consists solely of choosing to either turn left or right at certain junctions, which you don’t even need to do as continuing on straight is just as effective a strategy, as you try to collect as many rings as possible in sixty seconds. There’s an augmented reality element where you can replace the sky in the background with whatever your device’s camera is pointed at, but it adds nothing to the experience.

The only question I’m left with after trying this is, well, WHY?!?! I can see kids maybe getting a few minutes of distraction out of this, but even they will put it down quickly and never touch it again due to how pointless the whole thing is. Like, there’s no reward for wasting your time on this. At least with Jack in the Box’s we got a free Uber Eats delivery out of the ordeal. Here there isn’t so much as leaderboards…

The reason I’m bothering to write about this at all is because it’s kind of hilarious the lows Sega’s mascot gets taken to right whenever you think he can’t go any lower. So if you find this sort of thing as morbidly amusing as I do here’s a link in case you want a good laugh (or cry), as this is legitimately a new rock bottom for the character.

1/10

Initially I wasn't going to review this. About halfway through, maybe less I just thought "it's more Cyberpunk" which whilst absolutely spot on and how I view most DLC, I think that actually does Phantom Liberty a disservice. It has a new open world area, fixer quests and makes you hang around waiting for the next objective for no fathomable reason just like the main game but the story structure is just far tighter. Something I felt Cyberpunk 2077 lacked after a certain point.

Phantom Liberty unlocks an area of Night City called Dogtown. Cyberpunk's influences have always been pretty obvious to me with things like The Matrix, Akira, Blade Runner etc. but Phantom Liberty really reminds me of Kurt Russell's escape from New York. A walled off section of Night City with its own laws and ruler the police avoid.

Your character V arrives outside Dogtown from a mysterious message. You meet Songbird, an FIA netrunner agent. She needs your help and in turn promises to help you. The story takes an almost James Bond secret agent behind enemy lines theme to it with V partnering up with another FIA agent Sol Reed played by the fantastic Idris Elba. (Even the credits role like a bond theme). The missions are structured really well and they flow nicely from point to point. The open world aspect between missions actually gets in the way but it's still a nice improvement over the main game where some quests just felt like disconnected busy work. There are some really stand out set pieces that are quite varied. One part has you sniping as a look out, another mingling with guests at a party etc. The main story beats and characters around it are really well implemented and that, that is what makes this good. I prefer a tighter more directed experience, especially around story missions but then I just don't like open world games much.

There is a lot of content here. A decent amount of missions, new locations, characters and quests. CD Project Red obviously put effort into this and it shows. You get a new skill tree, new weapons and clothing but none of it adds much of note. I barely used or changed anything throughout from my end game character. I did like how some side quests or characters you met merged into Phantom Liberty, sometimes subtlety. Also expanding fully on Mr. Hands the fixer was interesting too. Dogtown as an area has quite a bit of personality as a run down dystopia that was obviously meant to be a grand entertainment area for the mega rich. Essentially it's a great expansion for those who enjoyed Cyberpunk and want more.

Anyone else feel it sounds more like A Metal Gear game though?

+ Story quests are much better executed in Phantom Liberty.
+ Smaller tighter location is more memorable to explore.
+ Songbird, Reed and Alex make good additional characters.

- Downtime between missions is still a drag.
- New skills, weapons, items etc feel pointless.

Cyberpunk 2077 is one of those games that has no doubt had and will continue to have "what happened" case studies and documentaries. It's a fascinating game in a lot of ways before even playing it. Riding high off the success of The Witcher III and the goodwill gained from that release and it's superb DLC it felt like the developer CD Projekt Red could do no wrong. Even a simple beep tweet on Cyberpunk's twitter account after a dormant time from announcement caused a lot of discussion and hype leading up to their next big project. Cracks under the surface though unknown to most with troubled development led to launching on platforms the game wasn't ready for. The game came out with performance, AI and balance issues in abundance. Overnight after it's rushed release CDPR's bubble burst. Noise about it for the PS4 specifically was so bad that Sony did the unthinkable removing it from the PSstore and handing out refunds. It stayed that way for months. Moral of the story here? never pre-order no matter who the developer is in this day and age.

So very quick background about Cyberpunk's history out the way, how is the game 3 years later after all it's patching, PS5 version release and 2.0 Update release? All in all pretty good though I have nothing to compare it to prior to this as I was waiting for it to be finished before I played it. So this will not be a No Man's Sky or FFXIV redemption story review. Simply one of how I experienced it as it is now.

First thing I have to comment about is that as a role playing game I still found Cyberpunk disappointing and to be honest I just don't count it as one. I remember in an interview when the game was still just an announced CGI trailer 10 years ago from a developer that the game would be dense and vertical. I clearly misinterpreted that taking it to mean it would be a bit more like Deus Ex but the end result is quite the opposite. This left it feeling extremely wide and flat with a few buildings to traverse at key points. It just feels like any other open world game with a Cyberpunk skin. This may be a me problem rather than a Cyberpunk 2077 problem but I just expected more to it than that. The level up and skill system is actually just bad and this is after it has been revised, stripped down and balanced as I understand from launch. Normal level up perk point skills seem pointless mostly. Slightly more damage, quick hack damage at 10%? It's all just a bit...boring. I think I would have preferred they scrap perk abilities completely and had all abilities attached to the Cyberware you install. Having gorilla arms that increase physical strength for melee attacks and forcing open doors? Legs giving double jumps? Optics for seeing enemies through walls etc. There are just more useful abilities that offer more utility for both exploration and combat. Additionally these type of upgrades fit the cyberpunk thematic a lot better to boot. Instead it's got multiple systems that feel uninteresting and tacked on. Equipment and Cyberware should have been the focus.

Now I know that so far I have come across as negative but the thing is I actually had a really good time with Cyberpunk 2077. I mean sure as an RPG it's pretty crap and the overall main story feels a bit disjointed but so much of the rest of it is a real blast. A lot of the characters and set pieces really build up Night City as a living result of a corporation only future which is often bleak with a large almost class divide. You play the role of V, a character who through misfortune ends up with a countdown clock dying and is trying to find a solution to that predicament. This leads you to finding fixers, mercs, prostitutes and corporation suits to try and save yourself. It's an interesting setting in that so much of it looks like a modern skyscraper idyllic future city covered in neon lights yet there is a constant layer of filth and garbage bags almost everywhere undermining it's more grandiose appearance at first glance. Many of the characters reflect the city coming across as guarded and jaded but with their own reasons underneath it all. Johnny SilverHand played by Keanu Reeves is a prime example. He is your companion throughout the game and for most of It I actively hated the guy, yet the game with the best ending in was through him in the end. I liked how the characters and city are unveiled and the shades of grey between them all.

From a larger gameplay perspective it's somewhat less interesting though that could be my build. Stealth silencer head shotting goons with an over powered pistol sweeping through areas. AI was pretty unimpressive but I enjoyed some of the abilities and weapons available. It lacks the depth of an immersive sim but jumping onto a roof, finding a hidden entrance, hacking a turret remotely to turn it on it's enemies whilst throwing grenades in to cause carnage is fun, if not especially deep. I guess what you need to know going into this game is where to set your expectations to. I didn't have any really going in and had a good time exploring around the vistas killing gang members and exploring the city. The technical side of things seem to have mostly been fixed. I had one crash and a couple of items fall through floors but otherwise this is a pretty fun open world game with a large amount of content. It's not the game I wanted, nor is it the game CDPR promised but it's not bad either. The characters and set pieces are good fun as is the combat but even fixed a few years later it doesn't reach the clear ambitions CDPR had when starting development. I hope they learned their lesson from this going into the sequel and their other projects.

Still, I got to ride a cool looking Akira motorbike with a katana drawn power sliding into enemies to start a fight. What other games can you finish a review with that in?

+ Night City is a cool looking location.
+ Fun set pieces and fairly interesting characters.
+ Johnny Silverhand is a likeable dick.
+ Akira bike.

- As an RPG it's pretty crap frankly.
- Lacks depth for combat, skills and level design.
- Some story beats and resolutions don't quite land at the end.

I write this review from my bed as a few days ago I had one of my teeth ripped out by a dentist due to it being cracked. Deep root, firmly in molar. A nurse literally had to hold my head whilst the dentist got bigger pliers to pull it like in a cartoon. Most pain I've ever been in both before and after. This has hampered my gaming as I can only play in short bursts whilst holding my swollen face feeling sorry for myself.

The thing is that Coffee Talk 2 is a perfect pick up and play game for this just like it's predecessor. It's a Mythpunk visual novel where you are an enigmatic late night coffee shop owner serving drinks to elves, orcs, vampires, banshees and an assortment of other creatures as you learn about their lives and troubles. It's minimally interactive with only making correct drinks or handing items over the bar effecting the slice of life stories for the endings you get.

The game just works though. It's wholesome, chill with fantastic pixel art and character designs supported by the sort of pleasant music you'd find in a nice cafe or an elevator. I would recommend playing the original game first as characters and subplots do progress through and it plays with your assumption of that knowledge.

Recommended.

+ Very relaxing.
+ I like the characters and their lives.
+ Lovely visuals and music.

- Drink making is still semi guess work.

Reviewing Castlevania Symphony of the Night is an interesting one because there is just nothing new I could possibly say about it really as a game that other far better writers with more analytical tendency's haven't covered in greater depth. The thing is though this was my first Castlevania, my first Metroidvania, and it had quite an impact on me.

I was about 20 when I first played Symphony of the Night. I'd never actually played a Castlevania game before but found the limited edition copy of this with artbook and soundtrack in a second hand store. The first thing that grabbed my attention when walking by was the amazing cover artwork by Ayami Kojima. I've always enjoyed gothic architecture, historical buildings, clothing and legends (of which vampires certainly is one of interest). Seeing that cover of a vampiric figure holding his sword upright with the moon, Castle and massive collar mixed with the slightly muted colour palette was extremely striking compared with many other drab or blocky covers in the store. The gothic atmosphere imparted in that one image left such an impression on me I had to have the game.

The artwork in the book in the back of the double CD case complimented the cover and after flipping through I popped the game in and away I went. I'm not sure what I fully expected but the hybrid mix of exploration with action RPG mechanics was a delight. It's a fairly standard affair now days, not only for the Castlevanias that came afterwards but for the dozens of indie games that have taken influence from it. The fact is though that back then this game was so influential that the genre is often simply named 'Metroidvania' partially after it. I'd never played anything like it at the time, and going back to it again over 20 years later for this digital rerelease I'm extremely pleased it's held up remarkably well on almost all fronts.

"It's strange... this castle is different than I remember it."

For those unaware, Symphony of the Night brings back Alucard the son of Dracula, a character from Castelvania III as the main character. It's a direct sequel to Rondo of Blood and Dracula's Castle has once again risen only a few years after fading away when Richter Belmont defeated Dracula..... Having actually played Rondo of Blood now a few weeks ago it makes the start all the more impactful as well as Maria's presence in the game and is a really interesting start set up literally playing against the final boss from the game before just as a prologue.

The castle itself is easy to navigate with a good map and yet it's littered with secrets as are the spells and weapons. Alucard has a variety of equipment that he can find and equip from swords, shields, hammers, cloaks etc. Additionally he can find spells and abilities for turning into a bat, a wolf or mist which help him to unlock further areas of the castle and traverse in a more fluid way. The amount of items and little easter eggs and secrets to find is quite impressive. On this playthrough trophy hunting I learned there was a sword that summons skeletons to briefly fight for you. Literally every time I play this I find something new. Playing through again after beating the game as a second character of Richter isn't something I'd tried before either and his completely different move set and abilities as a more traditional Classicvania character just add that much more life to a game.

"What is a man?! A miserable little pile of secrets!"

Great art and gameplay mechanics aside would be nothing however without Symphony of the Night's stellar audio. This particular version is the remaster based on Castlevania: The Dracula X Chronicles. This is the redubbed and rewritten version over the original 1997 release and to be honest I prefer it. The voice acting is just way better but I appreciate that is entirely subjective and you may prefer the more over the top iconic dialogue. Regardless of the version you play though, the soundtrack is an absolute striker. I could choose almost any song from the soundtrack and it would be not only a great piece but also a perfect accompaniment to build that atmosphere.

I went into this because Castlevania Nocturne is coming soon on Netflix and it's been in my backlog to replay for sometime but I'm really glad I did. It's been some years since I last played it and it's great to not only see that it still holds up to the test of time competing with almost any Metroidvania in the genre but also that it can still surprise me with content I never knew about. Replaying some games with memories through rose tinted glasses vcan sometimes be a let down and are better left in memories, but not Symphony of the Night. This is a game that influenced a lot but taken just at it's own merit it's still a fantastic experience.

I still hate the clocktower though.

+ Gorgeous 2D sprites mixed with 3D rendering.
+ Iconic soundtrack.
+ Insanely good artwork and atmosphere.

- Some small sound popping and map issues due to emulation over the original release.

On a side note, for anyone interested in retro games or Castlevania I recommend this video and channel The Making of Castlevania Symphony of the Night and Dracula X by Strafefox.

Walking simulators are something I really enjoy as they can focus mostly on the story, characters, and atmosphere. Sadly, it's also a big gamble as sometimes the story can be great, but the gameplay is awful or the story is awesome, but the ending sucks and pretty much makes the entire experience not worthwhile. The Chinese Room is notorious for its walking simulators, being almost exactly that, and this game is a spiritual successor to Dear Esther which looked great but was forgettable.

The game puts you in a small rural British town of Shropshire where there doesn't seem to be anyone around. All you know is to follow a ball of light floating around and it guides you around the town to activate cut scenes of the main characters talking about what happened at that moment. You will see the aftermath such as a wrecked car, a turned-over box, bloody rags, etc. There are no actual character models as they are just whisps of light in the shape of people acting things out on screen. This can make the game aggravating to play and pay attention to. A game with literally zero gameplay outside of an action button, and doesn't have any characters on screen better be damn good right?

As you walk around and follow the ball of light you will sometimes hear a numbers station playing on a radio or a telephone ring. These are extra tidbits of stories you can listen to. Each part of the town focuses on a specific character, but sadly I was often lost as to who was what as there were no faces to put to any of the voices. Once you see a cutscene play out your ball of light will stop and wait, sometimes. There were quite a few glitches in the game in which the ball of light would get stuck in the ground, not continue on, or just disappear somewhere never to be found. I had to restart the game to get the ball back on track.

Major cutscenes that actually advance the story are triggered by grabbing a ball of light and moving it left and right until it explodes. This was originally an excuse to use the then-new DualShock 4 touchpad. Here it's just a mouse drag and feels pointless. You know you are done with an area when you get a ball of exploding light that takes a few seconds to trigger. After this cutscene, the area goes dark and you follow a trail of lights on the ground to the next area. This is all there is to the game. It's pretty to look at, even today. The game uses CryEngine so it looks awesome and holds up well, but it's still forgettable. There's nothing memorable about a realistic-looking generic old English rural town.

I did eventually get into the story towards the end. However, the game just ends on a pretentious note and I felt deflated and annoyed. I really hate endings like this. This was four hours I will never get back and I won't take anything away from this game at all. No interesting gameplay, no memorable visuals, and no exciting story. The voice acting is great, but that's about it.

Sadly, Everybody's Gone to the Rapture is a game I've avoided for a decade and there's a reason for that. I knew that this game would be very forgettable and a waste of time. I enjoyed the idea of this strange apocalyptic infection that's passed around through phone and radio waves, but there's no pay-off in the end. That also doesn't take into account the aggravatingly slow walking pace that most people won't be able to put up with. Even if it was two times faster it would be more tolerable. It feels like you're crawling. That would be fine if there were more visuals to look at but there aren't.