1787 reviews liked by Matthue_Loose


The kids I knew who had this game would bring their Pokéwalkers to school and pay other kids to clip them on and run around to rack up experience throughout the day.

Performing this dirty work for the other kids was my only experience ever "playing" this game but it was a job that I enjoyed so I give that experience three and a half stars.

App Store revisionism made me think this game was an auto runner for years.

Pitfall is a novelty. Pitfall wasn't always a novelty. Pitfall is probably one of the best games on the 2600, even if that doesn't really mean anything. 3D Tic-Tac-Toe is one of the best games on the 2600 if you can convince a friend to play it with you, if you want a measure of how little it means to be "one of the best games on the 2600." But once upon a time, Pitfall was one of the most sprawling video games ever developed, one you had to spend several weeks slowly, methodically mapping out and then several more improving your executional skill to be able to get even remotely close to beating it.

Nowadays, after running around aimlessly for 10 minutes or so, you can just look up a map of the game. If you then decide to follow along, you'll probably get maybe 70% of the way through before time runs out even with heavy use of emulator rewind. Then you'll probably look up the TAS and see that you've got less than 2 minutes of wiggle room from frame perfection if you want to "beat" Pitfall. I did not beat Pitfall.

Absolute fever dream of a game. I created a busty, maroon-skinned abomination of indeterminable gender who Naruto ran everywhere, bounced side to side on the spot whenever left idle as if they had some kind of severe hyperactive disorder, and sported a flattop haircut literally colored with one the wallpaper patterns. Shockingly my custom avatar still wasn’t the strangest thing in this world where nearly every inhabitant is gay and you can hilariously ragdoll animals' limp bodies at any time by spinning them around your head like pizza dough. Everything from the modern era Cartoon Network visual aesthetic to the fact that you shrink down to the size of an insect and launch yourself around the kitchen on wooden spoons (because apparently that's easier than just walking to the fridge at normal height) to cook gives the impression that a bunch of members of the LGBT community got together, dropped acid, and made an itch.io meme parody of Animal Crossing.

Once you get past all the weirdness of the magical mushroom forests and potions that turn you into humanoid cats though, you really are simply doing fairly typical life simulator tasks of performing favors for the locals to improve your relationships while trying to open up new areas of the island and manage a cafe. It's a genuinely charming and fun experience, even if the constant backtracking to and fro between NPCs in different sections of the map can get a bit annoying. There are plenty of optional smaller distractions for you to engage in as well, such as finding every critter or completing all the baking minigames to fully flesh out your menu of delectable goodies for customers to enjoy. The amount of queer representation will also be a delight for many. You interact with at least two openly lesbian couples, a plethora of small details on clothing or in dialogue hint at a wider array of diverse sexual orientations for the cast, and special care is given so that you can know every character's pronouns if you want to (yes, there is a they/them).

Unfortunately, Calico does have one pretty serious shortcoming, and that's how unlike the Stardew Valleys and Sims of the genre there is a clear ending point here. What's worse is that it won't take you long to reach it either. After a handful of hours, you'll have legitimately burned through all there is to do and have no reason to come back, possibly ever. Heck, even your business technically runs itself as once you create a tasty treat for the first time, subsequent batches magically and automatically produced themselves freeing you up to explore other activities. Whether the title's relatively brief lifespan is a dealbreaker or not will come down to individual preference. Personally, I think the uniquely gonzo style and endearingly quirky mechanics make it worth recommending if you're looking for something different in spite of the $12 price tag.

7.8/10

All of the let's play narration for these random-build-focused slot-machine-action-games is like 'ohh after your 50th run you'll have enough gopher coins to now unlock the Zuckerberg's Icon so now when you play Billy Boy and choose the Steven Stone for your 14th Arcana Tier you'll be able to Yummymax your way past the 4th Tier of Encroachening when you face the waves of 23 Yeti-men. Make sure to spend you 1.0% APR Slammy Shards only on Subtle-enchanted Attack Boosts to make sure the chance of reaching Heaven is fulfilled on a blue day! Like comment and subscribe

"Are you ready for your catchphrase lessons?"

Conan Doyle gulps

Terry Pratchett breathes heavily

Mercedes Lackey nods nervously

Eoin Colfer sighs

They all say in unison: "Yes Darya Noghani, author of the iconic line 'You are bourgeois of the worst kind' "

This review contains spoilers

Recommended by gomit as part of this list.

When I was in middle school, I pirated a copy of RPG Maker VX Ace and said "I'm going to make a video game." My very first project was a joke game based on those MLG memes (the air horns, the crosshairs, "MOM GET THE CAMERA!", the works) and it was rough. Even in the limited, easy-to-use confines of RPG Maker, I could barely figure out how to program a map transition, or even set up a basic variable flag. I managed to program one boss fight and gave up. Over the years, ideas would come and go, only ever ending up half-baked ideas that were excuses to try something new, like writing music or learning digital art. An isometric Bully-clone. A Persona 3-style dungeon crawler. The mandatory Quirky Earthbound-Inspired RPG that all indie developers make at some point. A cosmic-horror JRPG with anime girls. All of these ideas living in the margins of sketchbooks or as slap-dash digital sprites drawn with my shitty dollar store mouse. It would take me until I was 20 (7 whole years from the day I pirated that copy of VX Ace!) to actually publish my first completed project. I would feign to call myself a "game developer", but I bring this up because I think it's a substantial part of my life that colors my view of The Beginner's Guide.

The Beginner's Guide is an hour long interactive experience that serves as a commentary on both artist and audience, and the relationship between the two. Before the twist revealed in the second to last chapter of the game, the use of this fictional developer (Coda), their oeuvre, and the Director's Commentary provided by the psuedo-fictional caricature of The Beginner Guide's own creator (Wreden) weave this tale of artistic expression and burnout through the medium most infamous for how it chews up and spits out its creators: video games. The arc we witness of finding the joy in creation, fixating on some kind of platonic ideal for your work, before spiraling and losing your passion, realizing that you're burnt out and that throwing yourself in the grinder day-in day-out isn't going to give you the results you want is something that I as a struggling creative myself can sympathize with.

But after that twist is revealed, that Coda didn't burn out from creative strain, but from being subject to an audience that wanted to live vicariously through his work and pick apart his very being, there is a much more universal struggle revealed: the need for validation and external approval, and the purpose of art. Wreden using Coda's work to validate himself by presenting it to other people, despite Coda's wish to keep his work private; Wreden modifying Coda's games to provide more concrete meaning so as to fit in-line with Werden's sensibilities, even when it was established in an earlier chapter that Coda believed that games didn't need to be so objective or finished; Werden trying so hard to understand Coda's work that he armchair analyzes a creative, when Coda never meant nor really wanted his work to be so emotionally open and raw. The age of hours-long YouTube video essayists and Armchair Critics on Media Logging Websites (wink wink nudge nudge) have made all of this behavior resonate years after release, of people trying to gain validation by analyzing art and showing that they get it, using media as a springboard to share their own ideas and struggles, gain their own audience via their ability to read into art, commodifying the idea of the creative and their struggles to make their body of work seem so much more unique and genuine and meaningful. Publishing anything runs that risk but nowadays putting even the slightest fragment of your soul into something potentially thousands if not millions can observe and pick apart and psychoanalyze borders on cosmic horror.

It begs the question of what art and self-expression is supposed to do for an audience. Do we really know an artist just because they made something emotionally vulnerable? Do we know them even if the art isn't overtly personal? Is it bad to not look into a work? Is it bad to look too much into something? How much should we analyze of an author's persona, and at what point does it stop being media analysis and shift into armchair psychology? That last minute twist raises a lot of tough questions about how we as consumers engage with art and what makes it work so well is that the twist doesn't invalidate the first 95% of the game. It manages to be about two conflicting subjects without really cancelling each other out with the questions being raised by both halves of the game, and as both artist and critic, I don't have any real answers for the conundrums it presents. Would it have been better to look at this as a metaphor for Werden and his release of Stanley Parable, or is that doing exactly what the Werden in Beginner's Guide did by trying to read into someone's personal life based solely on their published work? Am I wrong to have tried to connect this piece of art to my own life experiences, or did it help enhance my enjoyment? Am I engaging with this medium correctly by writing all these words? Would I ever want this to happen to me and my own body of work?

Who knows.

absolutely the fucking way to go if you want to experience majoras mask for the first time with all the new features of the 3DS but still with the restoration of the N64 elements (because that was my first experience with majora and now im biased like this sorry yall)

ok but genuinely zora swim restoration deku physics restoration final bosses restoration FULL controller support (thank GOD) AND d-pad bindings for quick masks transformation and also the song of slowing time is back to ⅓ so i aint got no panic attacks while playing it and so many more little tweaks here and there and ALSO comes included with HD textures for the text (as much as i know i have no idea if they also tweaks the ingame models and heads up for the italian people reading this it works wonderfully with the italian version of the game save some little tweaking as you boot it up but nothing too complicated and since that moment onwards its such a breeze)

FOR ME the definitive version of this masterpiece if you ask me or at least until they make a ship of harkanian harkadian hakr ,,,,, mmmmm whats the spelling ok anyway a PC port of the original version (still havent played the OG one so take this with a grain of salt) and for whoever is tuning in rn to play the game hi hello have a happy trauma :3

Atomic Heart has had one of the odder receptions in recent memory for me. Like, despite appearing to have an overall pretty positive reputation, it also seems as though just about every time I see it brought up online it's usually in a very negative context. I feel that's because crapping on it has kind of become the average internet user's way of virtue signaling. At first it was due to the war in Ukraine, but since a lot of mainstream media has since quieted down on that and everybody has sort of forgotten about it (uh, hey, that's still going on you guys), now it's the result of the ballerina twins. A bit strange considering what a small part of the game they actually are. "oH nOeS, tHe RoBoTs HaVe TiTtiEs!" is such a hollow, obviously disingenuous criticism coming from the same people who the biggest complaint they have concerning Resident Evil Village is that it didn't give them enough new Lady Dimitrescu wank material, and whose typical Bayonetta review reads like "nggghnn, sexy tall dominatrix librarian mommy, pls step on me!!! 😫😫😫💦💦💦". Y'all's hypocrisy is astounding.

Of course, I don't think too many are capable of forming all that intelligent opinions on these types of games anyways. I mean, you have those who will swear up and down this is an immersive sim, while there are currently movements out there trying to convince everyone that BioShock 2 and Infinite are a misunderstood masterpiece and a bad game respectively. Which neither of them are. AH is essentially an early 2010s-era BioShock copycat along the lines of what Singularity was back in 2014, only from a studio far less seasoned than that of Raven Software. You wouldn't be able to tell that though given the shockingly high production values that bring to life this wild ride of science gone wrong set inside an alternate history universe where Russia won WWII and became the No. 1 superpower on Earth. The graphics are as stunning and highly detailed as the sights they're creating are imaginative and deeply strange. Easily ranking among the best of 2023 visually in terms of quality and the creativity of the actual imagery itself. There's also another phenomenal soundtrack full of bangers from Mick Gordon that are sure to make their way into people's regular listening playlists alongside the tracks from Doom Eternal.

Not as aurally pleasing is the writing, however. The plot itself is fine, but the dialogue contained within is very much a product of this post-MCU landscape we presently find ourselves stuck in where everything has to be funny. The protagonist is that snarky, sardonic type who's always ready with a sarcastic quip for any situation. Normally, I would understand the general annoyance most claim to be feeling over this aspect, as I myself would have preferred a more serious and vaguely horror-esque tone similar to the vibe from that original trailer, were it not for the fact that I know if James Gunn's name had been anywhere on this then those whining now wouldn't have been able to put down the pizza rolls their moms made for them and trip over the piles of soiled superhero undies and dried cum socks littering their bedroom floors fast enough to reach a keyboard so they could make a Tweet or post on Reddit proclaiming this to be the height of modern comedy. Also, it's odd how you won't hear a single Russian accent when using the default English voice acting.

With the presentation largely knocking it out of the park, it's in the gameplay where the developer's inexperience shows. The gunplay and movement aren't as fluid as their obvious Levine-ian inspirations. It can cause some irritation in certain boss battles as a few of these usually massive foes can cover distance remarkably fast and/or fire of an insane amount of attacks in rapid succession to the degree where it's basically impossible to get out of the way of damage even with a fully upgraded dash dodge move. Ultimately, that's about all I have a problem with. Sure, it's a bit linear early on and it takes a while to get used to your initially small inventory alongside the emphasis on melee combat that's really only effective when using charged attacks in the beginning, but when you get deeper into those skill trees and craft the stronger weapons it quickly turns into a blast of energetic battles against hordes of multiple enemy types at once with the occasional fun unique puzzle thrown in along the way. Some particular highlights for the latter include finding the right pose for robots next to hanging bodies so that their shadows cast grisly pictures on blank canvases behind them, rotating a 3D diorama to guide a ball through a physics-based maze, and completing a game of retro classic Snake for amusing good measure.

I think the most important thing to understand in order to be able to enjoy this is how the upgrade system works. You’re actually not meant to buy every power right away. I did that and found myself severely underpowered by the time I reached the first giant robot boss. Rather, it's best to focus on a single skill tree or two at a time before moving onto the other options. That's goes for your arsenal as well. Instead of crafting enough firearms to supply a small army you're encouraged to cannibalize weaker guns and bludgeons for the resources to build more powerful alternatives, and that's with looting every crate and desk drawer you come across for materials. Really highlights how pointless that weapon wheel is. Even if you were to fill the radial out you wouldn't have any carrying space left on your person for health items or bullets. Why all of this is okay is because you're given the freedom to totally respec whenever you want right down to the attachments added onto your tools for slaughter acquired from optional "testing ground" dungeons in the open-world segments, with everything previously invested being returned to you in full to reallocate elsewhere. It's a flexibility I wish more games offered. If you truly desire to max out everything entirely, there's a new game+ for that featuring a handful of interesting modifiers for the hardcore challenge seekers.

Atomic Heart is a thrilling romp through foes both monstrous and mechanical that's positively brimming with originality and personality, on top of greatly exceeding any expectations one could reasonably have for a developer's premiere outing. The biggest hinderance to my enjoyment were the minor technical shortcomings present here on "last gen." Such as having to sit through long load times after each death and textures getting blurry in the larger environments, requiring a console restart to return to form. If it weren't for that I could see my score increasing by another point/half-star. So those on PS5 and Series X can take comfort in the fact that the experience will only be better for them. Regardless, considering this is the level at which they released just their first title ever, Mundfish has definitely established themselves as a name worth keeping our eye on in the future.

8/10

i am the greatest Pie Or Anus player on the planet earth