Bio
No, I don't really have 3 ts in my name.

Score Breakdown:
5=A game with so few flaws that I can't bring myself to care about them. About the closest to perfection you can get.
4.5=Excellent videogame, and an easy recommendation, but just missing that small something.
4=Very good game, a solid entry in its genre, but lacking in one key element.
3.5=A pretty good game, but does little to set itself apart from its peers. Definitely notable issues holding it down.
3=Good game, but wrought with issues. Likely a great game for whatever niche it aims for, but less likely to hold mass appeal.
2.5=a firm mixture of success and failure. Inoffensive, but not without sin. Can do better.
2=Genuine merit buried in here, but becomes difficult to appreciate under how derivative and/or broken everything else is.
1.5=Certain baseline things function, but little else.
1=Disaster. Fails at virtually everything.
0.5=Genuinely offensive.
Personal Ratings
1★
5★

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Favorite Games

Mass Effect
Mass Effect
Ys Origin
Ys Origin
Metal Gear Solid: Snake Eater 3D
Metal Gear Solid: Snake Eater 3D
Just Cause 3
Just Cause 3
Hitman: Blood Money
Hitman: Blood Money

568

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Played in 2024

1314

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Recently Reviewed See More

Just an absolute fucking mess on all accounts. In my brief experience with the game, I've found it to be an absolutely user-hostile experience with no intention of actually gathering a playerbase - as is evident by the playcount. The menu is an overdesigned disaster, the shooting is incredibly clunky, and the stealth mechanics are dubious at best. The tutorial only explains the bare essentials, and trial-by-fire is the only other way to find out anything. All I found out is that the game is not fun, not designed to be fun, and likely never will be fun.

EDIT: in my rage, i forgot to add - microtransactions and a battle pass in a paid game. How incredibly bold of them. If I didn't get this in a humble bundle I'd be actively offended.

I give the servers a year at the absolute most.

N-Gage has decent games, what are the odds?

Resident Evil Degeneration is based on the movie of the same name - a distinction no other Resident Evil movie would receive, to my recollection. I watched the movie itself before playing this tie-in; in terms of accuracy, there's not really any point comparing because this game only covers the setting of Degeneration's opening act, heavily padding it out and expanding on it to the point of being a videogame's worth of content. Despite this, it still clocked in at a measly sub-2 hours; there's an achievement for beating it in under 45 minutes.

Graphics are about on par with early PS1, but on a phone screen - both remarkable for the time, but also pretty paltry compared to say, the DS, and utterly ugly to witness now. Leon's character model is the only one that received much love; the other human characters are ugly and kind of misshapen, Senator Ron Davis in particular having a head that looks like it came out of Goldeneye with cheats on. Environments aren't so bad, with some neat effects on offer. I did, however, get a chuckle out of the endlessly reused "Flying to the UK?" poster, plastered about 4 times on every wall. It can't have been a memory issue, because the same poster appears in at least 4 different colours throughout - I'd love to have been a fly on the wall in the dev's offices to see what the reasons were for the many unique decisions made throughout the 15 month development.

Most of the effort likely went into gameplay - which is a legitimately impressive distillation of Resident Evil 4's mold-breaking gameplay style, crammed down onto a Nokia phone. The aiming, the knifing, the ability to kick enemies and doors alike, it's just about all here. Even the sodding instant-kill quicktime events, which are almost as annoying here as they were in actual RE4. I noticed a bit of unresponsiveness with inputs, and it took me a long time to adapt to the limited assortment of available buttons.

I'd make a point about how easy the game was, even on normal - zombies appear in small numbers, and are easily felled by headshots. Even the knife, if timed right, can dispatch a zombie with little resistance. This might be the easiest knife-only run in the franchise, with the short length and abundance of healing items at every turn. By the end, I still had 3 first aid sprays and 10+ green herbs on me, and not for lack of using them! Yellow herbs also appear to increase Leon's maximum HP, and you don't even have to mix them with green herbs...because herb mixing, understandably, did not make it in. The inventory sorting system was also cut - again, entirely reasonable. However, having played this via an emulator, and mapping the inputs to a controller, it likely offered a far greater precision than an actual Nokia phone ever could have. So with all this considered, the game may be far more appropriately difficult on actual hardware. Still, there are a lot of concessions made...

You simply have a (pretty gargantuan) amount of storage available compared to past Resi games, which can be expanded further by buying from the merchant. No, sadly not the cloaked weirdo with the funny voice from RE4 (actually, almost no voice acting at all, other than Leon's iconic death moan from RE4), but other special forces soldiers who went in to fight the infected, and uh...decided to set up shop instead? Everything is pretty cheap even to begin with, but with the sheer amount of money that enemies dropped (THOSE DOGS HAD $300 ON THEM?! EACH!?) there are treasures adding to Leon's immense wealth even further. It's very, very easy to end up with every weapon fully upgraded around the three-quarters point - and the knife is still all you really need anyway.

Altogether, it's a very short plod (Leon is slow as hell here), through handfuls of easily dispatched zombies, poorly rendered character models, and brain-dead bosses (there are no less than THREE separate Tyrants in this game. Which, in case you were wondering, is three more Tyrants than there were in the movie.). But between the technical achievements, enjoyable banter between Leon and Hunnigan (when not endlessly repeating the mission objectives) and attempt at cinematic cutscenes...I can't help but have a certain fondness for this game! They made something that was very much designed to be played on an old shitty mobile phone with fuck-all battery and inconvenient buttons that are ill-suited to gaming. To make a fully-functioning Resi game that plays like a scaled-down Resi 4 while still catering to these limitations has earned my respect...and it's not entirely unfun, either!

I don't know much about the actual quality of the N-Gage library, but this feels like a must-play as far as that service is concerned. As far as Resi in general goes? If you have the means to play it, I genuinely think it's worth a quick try - maybe you'll take as much a liking to it as I did!

First of all: big credit to Draco from Gatorbox for unearthing this unreleased prototype for the world to see - he did a great writeup on the game and its history which can be found here: https://battlebotsupdate.com/the-battlebots-prototype/

Battlebots - a tv show with one hell of an iceberg to it. Based on an idea called Robot Wars, coined by the late Marc Thorpe, it was to be the biggest event in America - arguably even the world - for budding engineers and roboticists who want to build radio-controlled death machines and make them fight. While the first event was streamed online (in the late 90s, so...yeah, I think that one's lost media) and the second was broadcast as a pay-per-view event, it was Comedy Central of all channels who picked it up for 5 seasons, from 2000-2002. What was basically packaged and advertised as "watch these two loud-ass commentators make jokes about this lame nerd war" accidentally became big enough to dethrone South Park, for a brief period. A series of circumstances would, unfortunately, lead to its cancellation after its fifth season - some claim it was due to the forced sketches, or the devolution of the meta towards tanky wedge-bots with no actual weapon, or a lawsuit that Battlebots filed against one of Comedy Central's sponsors. Either way, the show was halted, and wouldn't find a new network until 2015 - a run that, after a brief second cancellation, continues to this day (well, not to jinx it - it has not currently been renewed for another season as the time of writing) on Discovery Channel.

Thing is, that initial cancellation from Comedy Central had a knock-on effect - the cancellation of this very game. Despite developer Warthog having it almost ready to go, after another round of bugfixing, publisher THQ figured that Warthog's efforts were best spent elsewhere, than for a game for a just-cancelled show. So, everything went to waste and what's left is a mostly-functional prototype. It's seemingly feature complete, but not fully playable. Several bugs can cause the game to freeze, and certain things are just not quite right.

In terms of gameplay, this is easily the best officially licensed robot combat game. The Robot Wars games were varying degrees of terrible, though some more lovable than others in spite of their low budgets and awful physics. The physics here are incredibly arcadey and not true to life at all, but makes for some very enjoyable combat, particularly when spinners are involved. Each bot has four different HP bars: Armor, Frame, Weapon, and...I think motors? I've virtually never seen any meaningful damage done to that last category, but it makes the most sense. Armor can absorb frame damage, and if the weapon HP reaches zero, you're offenseless. Frame HP is the most important part, as your robot immediately breaks into pieces upon it hitting zero. The actual damage is pretty great to watch, with armor pieces having different models depending on HP value, and it's good fun watching parts (or entire robots) be sent flying to the other end of the arena, oil puddles in their wake (despite motor oil being a fairly uncommon sight in most bots...).

That being said, damage values and what affects them can be fairly janky. A weapon to weapon hit can often be as bad for you as the opponent, but this even applies if your robot's powerful spinning disc impact the opponent's pathetic metal spike. Frame damage can come from very weak hits, and it can all seem a bit unfair. Not to mention, some bots are simply better than others (Nightmare FTW).

The arena itself can be a dangerous place too - the main Battlebox is fitted with a handful of the hazards seen in the real thing (though scaled down and not nearly as many of them). They basically amount to "don't drive onto this part of the floor or you take damage from underneath". The exceptions are the corner hammers - "pulversiers" - which strike from above. In arcade mode, these are pretty much all removed, but replaced by random power ups that appear out of nowhere and temporarily buff your weapon, speed or just straight up gives you some seconds of invincibility. It can also disrupt your opponent's drive or give them contact electrical damage - the only negative effect you can receive is having phantom killsaws appear on the floor around your robot. The powerups are a fair idea to make arcade mode more, well, arcadey, but balance is assuredly not a factor with them around. That being said, balance isn't much of a thing in this game to begin with.

The roster is pretty good, all things considered - a fair mix of actual bots from the show, and shitty-looking OCs with the built-in editor. While you're meant to unlock these through gameplay, its unreleased state left me with no idea how, or even if you unlock them, so I used the save file provided by Draco. Robots are separated into four weight classes; lightweight, middleweight, heavyweight and super heavyweight. Curiously, within arcade mode, you have to defeat four robots in each weight division, starting from lightweight and working your way up. This leaves no real reason to pick anything other than a super heavyweight (or a very good heavyweight), as lighter weight classes are virtually guaranteed a loss once you reach the higher divisions.

Once unlocked, the bots from the show make for a nice enough variation of weapon types. That being said, the heavyweight bot Nightmare is essentially the best choice. His giant vertical spinning weapon can absolutely launch opponents, and its biggest real-life weaknesses - tilting to one side when turning due to the gyroscopic forces of the spinning weapon, and being unable to self-right when overturned - don't apply here, as tilting the analog stick in a particular direction magically turns the whole bot over. You can also build your own bot, but the editor is understandably limited and you're not going to have an easy time to start with, on account of the limited budget (shockingly realistic). You can certainly make some viable builds, but I think most people would rather just throw Mauler or Ziggo into the ring and actually look good while smashing things.

Graphically, the arena and bots look pretty solid and show accurate - though the scaling for both are pretty wildly off in certain cases. Sometimes you'll get a shot of the drivers after winning though, and they're so pathetically low-poly that I can't even tell if those are the builder's likenesses or not. Not really sure why they bothered, honestly. You can fight in other arenas that aren't the Battlebox, but I couldn't tell any real difference other than the theming. Robot Wars games had some really crazy arena variations, with minefields, molten steel pools and nuclear missile silos, so it feels a little pointless to have 9 variations of the same design. Perhaps more was planned, but didn't make the final completed build. The same is supposedly true of the bot roster.

In terms of audio, the music isn't taken from the show (as far as I remember) but it does match the vibe. Damage noises are mostly goofy stock sounds, but the show dubbed those over the actual arena audio anyway, so I suppose that's authentic! My favourite part of all, though, is ring announcer Mark Beiro reprising his role and having recorded his trademark goofy intros for each bot in the roster - even the shitty OC bots. They're a good laugh, though there's only one intro for each bot so they sadly get old quick.

Now, while all is well and good on paper, there are a few key issues. Certain things are just outright broken in this build - first and foremost, Biohazard. A heavyweight robot built by Carlo Bertocchini, it was a low-profile bot armed with a four-bar lifting arm. It's insanely low ground clearance allowed it to get right under and overturn opponents, with side skirts to hinder similar bots from doing the same. Winning two heavyweight divisions in the original US Robot Wars, followed by four Battlebots championship titles, it was the most successful heavyweight combat robot of its era.

And it immediately crashes the game upon being selected.

Yeah, bit of a bummer that one. And in case you're wondering, it's broken to the point of crashing the game if the AI selects it as well, which is certainly a rude way to end an Arcade Mode run. Other instances include some of Mark Beiro's voice lines tending to break, instead playing some corrupted garbage file as audio and damaging my poor ears in the process. The game usually locks up not long after that. Certain UI elements also break often, and that's just the bugs I came across.

Still, altogether, Battlebots had the making of a genuinely fun game. The physics are goofy yet fun, the bots look good, and some testing could easily eliminate the remaining problems. Sadly, this wasn't to be, and to this day there's not many robot combat games out there. Robot Arena 2 is in-depth (for it's time), but old and broken, in spite of the modding community. Robot Arena 3 is a scam, Robot Rumble 2 is ridiculously complicated for better and for worse (and is still in early alpha after all these years). Hell, there are some roblox games that offer a decent pick-up-and-play alternative. But nothing truly big has appeared yet, in spite of the continued run of the show to this day (knock on wood). Still, it's a really fortunate outcome that despite this game being cancelled, we can still play...most of it. And given the lack of alternatives, I'd wholeheartedly recommend it to any robot combat fan who's reading this. I'm sure there's dozens of us!