Press on, employee.

My friend Larry has been acting a little weird lately. He keeps standing in the corner staring at me, telling me we should play Home Safety Hotline in a voice that's not his, and there's this really horrible smell like rotten eggs that's been filling up my apartment. I don't know if it's related, but Larry - who has taken to crawling on the walls and ceiling - showed me the trailer and explained that it's created by Nick Lives, who previously worked on Hypno Space Outlaw. I was intrigued and then partook in a large feast of cornmeal that had been curiously laid out on the dining room table, as the voices in the walls demanded.

Home Safety Hotline sits the player down with a bestiary of common home hazards ranging from bees to Boggarts, house flies to Dorcha, which the player must refer to in order to properly diagnose the problems of callers who are currently in various states of duress. True to the real-world experience of working in a call center, the loop of taking a call and finding a solution can be a bit rote, and much of the challenge is borne from callers providing inaccurate or conflicting pieces of information. On some level, it almost feels like a Loveline simulator. Lot of calls about kids getting eaten tonight... Must be a full moon.

Caller: It... It... It stole me...! It stole me!! I'm not me anymore, I'm... it took me! I can't see myself anymore, I'm gone! Help me!! Help me get b--

Adam: Alright, I'm putting her on hold. Sick of her already... Drew, how many times do we get calls like this and the answer is always carpenter ants?

Drew: All the time.

Adam: Helen? Get yourself some Raid, babydoll.

Those expecting the heavy puzzle solving and obtuseness of Hypno Space Outlaw might then be a little disappointed with how straight-forward Hotline is, but it's really more a vehicle for some very imaginative and entertaining writing, and the excitement of seeing new entries in the bestiary unlock during each subsequent shift dulls how samey most nights are on a mechanical level. You won't hack into a bunch of weird databases or decipher codes here, and Hotline's central mystery doesn't leave many unanswered questions by the end of its short 3-4 hour run, but that's fine. In fact, after biting into several incredibly long games over the last couple of months, it's preferable.

My only real complaint is that the game only leverages audio queues once, and calls rarely share the same answer, which trivializes the late game through a simple process of elimination. Otherwise, I am so into what the game is going for that it feels like targeted content. It's hard to dig into specifics without spoiling some of the more inventive entries or giving away the plot, but I do appreciate how ranged and varied a lot of Hotline's creatures are. You'll frequently diagnose problems caused by benign beings like toilet Hobbs, which enjoy cleaning your bathroom and can be placated by providing them a single egg at night. You'll also have to deal with more abstract and frightening entities like memory wisps, which essentially give their victims Alzheimer's. No cure for that, you have to let them run their course. What can you say other than "good times?"

Maybe I'm predisposed to whatever kind of weird horror Nick Lives is putting out into the world (Night Signal looks interesting and I'm way into the premise of Please Insert Disc), reviews on here appear more mixed, but I do think this is worth checking out if you want something short, simple, and backed by some really fun writing. I have to go now, the soil is calling me...

THE YEAR OF THE DRAGON

From the get-go, Lost Judgment already displayed how much of a glow-up it is technically from its predecessor. The experience RGG had with their powerhouse of the Dragon Engine feels the most polished here, delivering unquestionably the best real-time action gameplay they’ve ever done, even more so than the mainline Yakuza/Like A Dragon entries. While not quite to the lengths I prefer it to be taken, the premise of following a detective feels better taken advantage of with unique gameplay additions like radar detection and a dog to help sniff out the map. Judgment was still a great game, but its biggest blemish that dragged it from being an absolute peak was the side-content being… much less than desirable. Something which has been mostly addressed here, with side-cases feeling more entertaining showcases of Yagami as a detective and extra mini-games beyond Drome Racing and Paradise VR. They took cues from Yakuza 0 and greatly reworked his moveset to incorporate four different brawler styles with revamped skills worth buying. Yakuza/Like A Dragon may shift gears to an attempt at turn-based combat, but I think what RGG cooked with the gameplay here proved there’s still room for the older real-time action combat to stick around alongside it. From the sounds of it, I’m very impressed by how much of an improvement Lost Judgment was from Judgment and even consider it to be, overall, just a better game. Except… despite how much I preferred playing this more over Judgment, I still think it fell short in one department where the other game still had an edge over it.

I was completely surprised by how Lost Judgment’s story tackled sensitive topics that I never thought RGG would think themselves capable of making a game about. It’s unexpected as a direction to take after a mystery like the first game, but I applaud the bold approach in shinning a light on the cyclical nature of bullying. The actual threats are hardly ever held accountable for their actions, and so no justice was truly delivered by a broken system that continuously failed the victims who suffered. While Yagami isn’t quite interesting here as he was in Judgment, his dynamic with the main antagonist underlined his conviction as someone who believes law, imperfect as it is, needs people like him to make it by protecting the ones it couldn’t save. The main antagonist definitely deserves to be included in the conversations of amazing RGG villains, perhaps being the most complex and sympathetic. I really enjoy aspects of the wider narrative but the actual ‘storytelling’ itself left a lot to be desired, if that distinction makes sense. Judgment’s story may be a more typical mystery conspiracy thriller with much less to say about current social issues, but it was one that felt personally involved with set-up that paid off in what I still see as one of the best final stretches of any RGG game. The Judgment Four all had a personal stake in the conspiracy that linked them all together to put a stop to the root of their troubles. It wasn’t so much about Yagami and the gang solving a mystery to unearth the truth, but to ensure judgment was given to those responsible for ruining people’s livelihoods, including the ones closest to them. Here, they’re all underutilized within the plot, except for Yagami, never having a personal stake for why they’re investigating a murder mystery together that made you feel like these guys are a team working towards a common goal. It made the narrative feel emotionally disconnected, despite Yagami reminding you constantly what’s driving him about this, which felt artificial after a while as a motivation compared to the last game. I would try to weigh in my thoughts on its message about bullying but to be honest this is out of my range to give a nuanced discussion on, so all I can say is that I think RGG just aren’t the best developers to tackle this subject matter, even if I respect the attempt.

I’m not familiar with the current status of the Judgment subseries, too afraid to do some deep-diving research for the sake of potential spoilers for Infinite Wealth, but I hope this isn’t the end. Despite their imperfections, I'm grateful for their efforts to enhance and broaden both the story and gameplay aspects of Yakuza/Like A Dragon. I definitely think there is a Judgment game from the potential kept brewing here to be a close favorite of mine. A certified all-timer, even. Yagami is already an honorable mention for one of my all-time favorite fictional protagonists, so I just want my newfound GOAT to get the perfect game he deserves.

Now that the dust has settled, what do we all think of Sneak King?

Before this last playthrough, I would've said Sneak King was the best of the trilogy with Big Bumpin' being the worst, but nearly twenty years removed, I'm afraid to say the BK hierarchy has changed.

It's tragic, because Sneak King's opening sets you up for something special. A still shot of a darkened driveway... The King appears from the shadows, stalking about like a predator, his visage a cruel mockery of the human form intended to disarm and draw in his prey. But this beast is no man, and his attempt mimicry is all wrong, glassy-eyed and without life. And then you boot up the game proper and find that it's just a crusty stealth title that asks you to do the same exact thing over and over and over again.

If Pocket Bike Racer's problem was too little content, then Sneak King's is that there's too much. Twenty missions spread out over four levels, but every mission tasks you with essentially the same objective: deliver delicious Burger King meals to hungry masses. The most variety you'll get in how you go about that is in what order you'll need to hit up the various NPCs sulking around the map or how often you're allowed to make a mistake. Sometimes you'll need to deliver [X] amount of meals without getting caught or by climbing into trash cans (coincidentally where I found my copy of this game, I think someone threw it out by mistake) or popping out of houses, but the amount of repetition here really sucks all the fun out. The King doesn't even need to take pentazemin to stop his hands from shaking when delivering Original Chicken Sandwiches™, this game's got no meat on its bones!

The controls are also horrible, which is something I actually wouldn't accuse the other two games of. Say what you will about Big Bumpin' and Pocket Bike Racer, but movement at least feels serviceable. Sneak King inverts the Y-axis and makes climbing into cover so laborious that your mark will likely move away or collapse from hunger before you're able to get into position. The King shrugging his shoulders and shaking his damn head because I botched the timing on his sandwich delivery while the camera was juttering behind a tree branch, what the fuck do you want from me, man? When we get to the sawmill I'm throwing your ass in a woodchipper [Warning: do not do this. The King cannot be killed by conventional means, he will come back and he will be stronger.]

Despite how bad it is, Sneak King is often the entry in the BK Trilogy that people talk about, because it is the most conceptually interesting of the bunch and the one to lean the hardest into the marketing that gave life to this iteration of The King. Tactical Burger Delivery Action is such a good-dumb idea that at least one man has dedicated his time and income to collecting any copy of the game he can find, and by a magnitude of cents it is the most consistently expensive title in the series on the aftermarket. Curiously, graded copies of the game are actually worth less than open CIBs. I understand the economics of this and why that's the case, but it's very funny to think Sneak King inherently has more value when played.

Ohhhh, wait a minute... Sneak King sounds like sneaking. Shit, I just got it.

When talking about games that use the medium to elevate or enhance storytelling, this should be at least one of the de facto examples. Stories Untold jumps between text adventure and graphic adventure and a brief fling with a walking simulator (not derogatory); a kind of whistle-stop tour of the adventure-puzzle genre(s), with the express purpose of telling four seemingly separate horror stories with an underlying narrative that becomes clearer as you move between episodes.

It's definitely one of those stories and games that surely hits differently on subsequent playthroughs once you see the full scope of what it's presenting. Speaking of which, visually, it's incredibly impressively put together, with an 80s-enthused presentation that somehow perfectly straddles the line between laying the vibes and aesthetics on too thick to the point of parody and paying genuine homage.

The gameplay segments themselves are engaging enough, though they really hinge on how hooked you are on that particular episode's narrative since I wouldn't exactly say that the puzzles themselves are particularly engaging in isolation, though I suppose that's a moot point ultimately since the game is the story and the story is the game and so forth.

Without spoiling, your full opinions on Stories Untold as an interactive narrative experience are really going to depend on how you feel about the fourth episode. While I did enjoy what it was doing and how it tied everything together thematically, narratively, and gameplay-wise, I can definitely see it being a let-down for some compared to the rest of the package.

Still, for a first outing from No Code, Stories Untold is really great, and since they're going to be partially responsible for bringing Silent Hill back into the limelight, it should be comforting to many that Konami will be delivering at least one assuredly good game out of their upcoming roster, going by their work here anyhow.

8/10

How do you follow up a game that took 139 hours of your life to complete? Big Bumpin' babyyyyyyy wooo hell yeag they put wWhopper in a bumpber cart !!

I am suffering from acute Final Fantasy VII Rebirth dissociative disorder. The idea of playing any video game right now sounds dreadful, but I have a backlog full of games and I gotta stick to that grind, so I had to find something I could stomach. The Burger King Trilogy seemed like as good a choice as any. Each of these three games are short and require little skill, and frankly, they're all on par with some of the minigames in Rebirth. Sounded like a real smooth transition to me, like checking myself into the gaming equivalent of a methadone clinic. Dr. Drew is here, and he's going to ensure I don't get better for maximum profitability.

The last time I played Big Bumpin', or any of the Burger King games for that matter, was back in 2006 when they came out. A real banner year for me and the Xbox. I had these three games and Sonic the Hedgehog (2006), and then my console red ringed a few months later when I rented Chrome Hounds. I was, however, at the right age for BK's bizarre "wake up with the king" campaign, and I was not impervious to its ill-effects. I bought all three of these when they released and tossed them years later, only to have one errant thought about the King waking up in some poor soul's bed which resulted in me grabbing them all again. It might surprise you to know you can easily find boxes full of unopened copies of Big Bumpin' behind Goodwills and on the side of freeways.

Big Bumpin' is a largely inoffensive collection of bumper car minigames, most of which play totally fine but offer very little whether played solo or with friends. Look, nobody had any expectations for this game when it came out, and its most notable qualities are being one of three Xbox/360 hybrid discs, a celebration of a very weird and very specific moment in fast food marketing and having the worst hockey minigame I've ever played. The standard hot potato, destruction derby, and keep-away modes are serviceable if dry, but that hockey game... I don't think a single point was scored that didn't come from the AI or myself knocking the puck into our own goal. I was drunk and listening to Loveline, I don't know what their excuse is.

"How do you guys kill yourselves over there in Korea," Adam asked Minka as I was running a clinic on Brooke Burke and a gigantic man-chicken with a gut full of grain alcohol at 1 in the god damned morning. I don't know the answer to that, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to go out from overconsumption of minigames. I want The King to lower my casket into the cold embrace of the Earth by pushing it in with a bumper car. It's what I deserve.

Marked as "mastered," even though having owned two copies of this game proves I have no willpower and am the master of nothing.

I have put off re-reviewing this for months. Partly because I dont have the words to express the hold this game has over me, and partly because every time I start thinking about it I get too excited. I havent felt this way about something in a long time, likely since I was a girl in the height of my infatuation with Ace Attorney.

This game is just absolutely astounding, from all angles. There is nothing it does poorly and nothing I would change. I didnt really understand the draw of roleplaying till now, which was the downfall of my first experience, but it is absolutely incredible the things you can learn about yourself pretending to be someone else. Thats not something I can say about any other game, ever. And I can only feel just so grateful, because it's given me so much joy over the past 3 months. Its barely left my mind at all, which feels like an issue at times. I dont know if I'll have an experience like that ever again, after all I created the perfect character and ran through the campaign as him, twice. More or less doing the same thing because I just enjoyed what I had made so much. It grieves me that I kind of have to let go of it, its one of those games that was painful to finish because I just got so attached. It feels like mine, and its one of those autistic things where I cant stand it when anyone else brings it up cause you and I definitley dont see it the way, like a dog hyperaggressive over its food. Specifically dark urge, which feels like it was tailor made for me. Its all so special and I care about it very, very much.

Everyone who worked on bg3 is immensely talented. It's kind of staggering just how talented everyone is. There is not a single voice actor that preformed poorly or out of place, the text is immaculate, nearly every single decision one could make is neatly planned for and has a script. It is just perfect and I could marvel at it forever, cause it really is a feat of human accomplishment to me. The driving force behind my love for this game though is of course the cast. I adore absolutely everyone (minus you Minthara I will always kill you and take your clothes), there are so few games that manage to pull it off, that take you through a journey so long and so profound that you feel a sense of family. Withers' after party is the perfect amalgamation of all this, the joy I felt seeing everyone happy, finally grtting to live their lives was unmatched. Going through the letters of the people you met along the way and seeing that theyre all alright. Astarion specifically holds special meaning to me but I cant talk about that I get too protective. It never fails to make me tear up thinking about it and always makes me feel so grateful that this is in the world and that I got to experience it.

Immensely love all my friends and Scratch and Owlbear and that one weird ox I didnt get to see in act 3 because it glitched out. I will think about you all forever, an autistic girl's promise

THE YEAR OF THE DRAGON

Judgment and Yakuza: Like A Dragon (Yakuza 7 for technicality’s sake) make up for what I believe is an interesting back-to-back combo following the big franchise soft-reboot button Yakuza 6 pressed. Both pivoted towards newfound directions, with new leading protagonists, all while honoring the legacy of the games that laid foundations before them. It may be a lil strange to say, for something I feel is relegated as the kinda unimportant spin-off to the main series starring the actual yakuza people came to play for, but Judgment surprised me for stacking itself up as being the better refresh point for Yakuza/Like A Dragon to me. It still carries on the real-time brawlin’ beat ‘em up combat from the older entries, but everything else is wholly unique from what RGG has brought to the table before. There isn’t much overlap between Judgment and Yakuza/Like A Dragon, if at all. The most you’ll get is the Tojo Clan being a background presence and Kamurocho returning as the primary setting, but none of the important characters are even indirectly mentioned. There’s no shoe-horned in cameos from any of the series regulars, whether they be in the main story or side cases. There’s nothing linking Yagami and his supporting cast to whatever happened in Kiryu’s games, and that ultimately became why I preferred it over Yakuza 7. It doesn’t rely on or feel hindered by that legacy. Instead, relying completely on its own unique strengths to stand head-to-head with some of the stronger entries in the franchise.

Yagami is a protagonist who eerily felt specifically tailored suited to my needs and interests, which is to say -- I really love him. The decision in making the new protagonist a detective is brilliant because it already sets up what makes Judgment stand apart from Yakuza/Like A Dragon. Kiryu and Ichiban’s games are bombastic, melodramatic, with plots escalating to grandiose heights to stress the stakes at play. It never often leaves you with much room for something smaller to breathe in. You never think about what goes on beyond their wildest exploits in Kamurocho, for example. There're glimpses here and there, if we’re keeping this within the confines of the main plot, but Kiryu nor Ichiban can dwell on it because that’s not on their agenda as yakuza. With Yagami, the scope narrows the focus down to something more grounded with characters who feel like the faceless NPCs Kiryu would stroll past by, or villains he demolished easily like some small-time obstacle to get to the big villain he cares about fighting. Yakuza/Like A Dragon bounces dramatically between two polar opposite tones, from bloodied seriousness to unabashed silliness. It pings pongs back and forth almost effortlessly, never compromising the integrity of its own storytelling in favor of it. Judgment straddles on that established tonal wavelength by sitting comfortably in the dark end of it, yet never reaching the deep end. Yagami’s personal mission to uncover a murder mystery conspiracy helps explores these aspects that the mainline games just can’t really do, but that’s fine. Judgment does a fantastic job of breathing life into its rendition of Kamurocho as the red-light district where crime makes it a living hell with constant fights on the streets, but its people are survivors who push through the day.

The side content is mostly a miss, easily Judgment’s biggest sore spot. The side cases are harmless, but they aren’t terribly memorable, especially already knowing the quality output RGG can pump out by now. Weirdly, almost no mini-games except for a returning few and Drone Racing, which wasn’t really my thing. The friendship mechanic is a nice detail that plays into the game’s grounded rendition of Kamurocho where the focus is strictly street level, but they felt like annoying distractions from how thick the main plot would get. The incentive never felt strong with completing much of this, from either the standpoint of unlocking certain benefits to enhance gameplay or to deepen Yagami’s role as a detective. The worst offender had to be the Keihi Gang which evaporated so much interest I had diving into the side content because RGG annoyingly forced them onto you. I personally wish Kim suffers through the nine circles of hell. The Dragon Engine feels like it's more put together here, with collision physics playing more nicely than they did with Yakuza 6. Though, I can’t even deny how unbalanced Yagami’s fighting styles feel with Crane Style feeling very useless with just how much better Tiger Style is for dealing with enemies. I think this could’ve been a bit better if both styles didn’t have a restrictive move set of combos to dish out, a slight disappointment until you unlock Tiger Drop and it gets more fun. Strangely, a lot of stuff gameplay-wise here felt like RGG was relapsing back to more archaic tendencies just as much as they’re pushing into newer things. You could tell me this game had been secretly in development since maybe Yakuza 4 and I’d probably believe you.

Still, it pulled very hard into its own strengths by the end. With a final boss that goes down as one of my absolute favorites from RGG. A case was solved, people died, people lived to see another day, justice was finally served, convictions were upheld, and after everything was settled… Yagami charmingly treats it like yet another normal day in the office. I can’t really think of a more fitting ending to this memorable experience with a cast of characters I’m really excited to see what takes them next, especially my GOAT Kaito. I’m hoping for Lost Judgment to smooth out the rough edges here and polish everything up to peak, because I think the potential laid here is promising as hell.

A vacuous looter shooter with fish-in-a-barrel enemies, superfluous RPG elements, and brain-dead combat that looks and runs like complete shit. It’s yet another game that was clearly meant to follow a live service model before a direction change forced them to salvage what they could from this mess.

One of the funniest things about this game is how every character has these powers and multiple skill trees and there is less than zero point in engaging with these systems because the standard grey assault rifle just kills every enemy in the game within seconds.

THE YEAR OF THE DRAGON

One of the very few games to have ever made me into a complete emotional mess when the credits rolled. Like A Dragon Gaiden is a thrilling emotional rollercoaster. Working within its set limitations as essentially an expansion to Yakuza: Like A Dragon to narrow the focus on Kiryu following his first finale so many years ago. It was developed in a six-month cycle, has the third of the content and scope of a regular Yakuza/Like A Dragon entry, yet it told probably the most tightly personal story these games could ever hope to achieve. It directly addresses the elephant in the room -- what’s the point behind bringing back Kiryu when we’ve had a perfectly fine sendoff for him? Why is he back? What’s he going to do now given Yakuza 7 ends with Ichiban leading the series in his place? Some remain unanswered for what I expect Infinite Wealth to tackle head-on, but what it answers reframed Like A Dragon Gaiden as a needed epilogue to provide more closure for Kiryu’s journey as a legendary yakuza.

The main antagonist is quite up there for me as far as amazing villains go in the series. The perfect final obstacle Kiryu needs to defeat for what he represents. Someone who wants nothing more than to prevent the extinction of his way of life. A twisted, savaged incarnation of the older ways of the yakuza we were first familiar with, but gradually saw fade away entry by entry. A guy who genuinely believed the days of yakuza like Nishiki, Ryuji, Mine, and even Kiryu have never ended despite us seeing how they’ve been phased out with entitled schemers who don’t uphold any ideals painted on their very backs. A man who saw the yakuza life as a chance for fulfillment and freedom needed to be preserved even in a changing era where they’re becoming hollowed out. Trading their freedom and purpose with a tight leash on their neck by higher authority who strip it all away. Making his fate one of the most morbid things that will ever haunt me.

I still need to push through the Judgment games to give a definitive end-all statement, but this is the best combat has felt in the Dragon Engine. It pulls notes from Yakuza 0 with switching between styles again and using money to level up your move set, which led to some tedious side content grinding shoehorned in to pad out the game, but I overall enjoyed it incredibly for a small enough package. There isn’t really much more to dig into here, it is the shortest Yakuza/Like A Dragon game after all, so a lot is the usual standard fare by now. It was made with one sole aim in mind, bridge the gap between Yakuza 7 and Yakuza 8, explore Kiryu through those events, offer some sentimental moments for the long time fans, and hopefully hook you on whatever the hell Infinite Wealth is cooking by pairing Ichiban and Kiryu together as dual protagonists. This affirmed my love for Kiryu and this series, and with no surprise ranks very high for me among the rest. I hope my GOAT can somehow get the happy ending he deserves.

THE YEAR OF THE DRAGON

I won’t lie, this was a struggle to weigh in how I feel overall. Yakuza: Like A Dragon, from the title alone, made its mission statement loud and clear. This is a mainline entry that represents the transition from seven prior games echoing Kiryu’s legacy to whatever uncharted territory lies ahead of Kasuga and his friends. Like Ichiban Kasuga himself, this game started from rock bottom and fought its way to the top with nothing but grit and beaming determination. I can’t knock down how well this did in winning Kasuga over for me as the new leading protagonist for the series. I'm looking forward to seeing what's in store for him in the future, especially when I get around to Infinite Wealth soon enough.

I’ll start this easy by saying while I don’t consider it to be its equal, the storytelling on display here is genuinely on the caliber of Yakuza 0 in terms of the clean execution of its characters, emotions, and themes. I’m gonna be honest, I was hesitant at first. I thought it spent too long on what’s the first act, ranging around 10 chapters. Which felt like stretching out a conflict that wasn’t too interesting to dwell on. Then I found out there were only 5 chapters left, which surprised me because now I didn't know how we'd finish the rest of the story. I assumed at least 10 more were left from how everything was paced, since I was already aware this was the longest Yakuza/Like A Dragon before Infinite Wealth took that crown. It… still pulled itself together in those remaining chapters, very strongly I’ll add, but not without sudden forced grinding sessions that put an awkward half to the pacing. These are the major culprits for how this gained such a bloated playtime, and I think it only drags the game back since it felt like poor padding that took away from the exciting momentum the story was locking in late-game. There were also ties to the previous entries, some as certain boss fights which made me soyjack the hell out, and made for fun fan service. Although, looking at the current state of Yakuza/Like A Dragon because of this, it may have set a dangerous precedent for RGG’s direction when balancing the old and new. The last stretch definitely pulled everything the game tackles about self-value and connections into this beautiful emotional crescendo that I consider being quintessential to the series. Especially important for understanding what makes Ichiban a character worth getting emotionally invested in. If there was any doubt Ichiban couldn't stand side by side with Kiryu, those last hours shake them all away and prove he's more than worthy to pass the torch.

Moving beyond the main story for a bit, the side content, per usual, is loaded with so many fun distractions to waste away in. They really nailed the mini-games here, especially the newly added ones I spent a significant portion of my playthrough on. I’m pleased to say that the substories are also Yakuza 0 tier, each one feeling memorable, charming, and adding character for Yokohoma to feel like a home for people who had nowhere else to go but rock bottom. Yakuza 7 (to be technical) is refreshing because after experiencing entry after entry where the stakes started escalating when the conspiracy plots only got more complex, where emotional stakes could only get higher as characters experienced more hardships, this took everything back to basics. It’s no stretch to say that Yakuza 7 is pretty much a soft remake of the first Yakuza, with how much the story beats parallel each other. The protagonist sacrifices themselves to be convicted for an extended period. They come back to the world, only to be greeted by how much has changed since they first left it. There’s a mystery they have to uncover by tracking down their fatherly patriarch figure. They’re assisted by an aged, down-on-his-luck police officer and a hostess who plays some relevance to the plot. There’s a shadowy group in town who act as information brokers that have mass surveillance on what’s going on. The main antagonist is both a power-hungry politician who’s been puppeteering everything for his grand selfish gain and the brotherly figure to the main protagonist whose absence led them astray into a path hungering for power to affirm their self-worth. Ichiban even shares the same voice actor as Nishiki, which I feel has to be intentional casting for these parallels to hit harder. None of this feels like a shallow rehash but using familiar beats and tropes to recontexulize Ichiban’s journey and how much he’s similar yet different from Kiryu.

I’ll be frank, this is a hot take I guess? I don’t see many be harsh on this surprisingly. This is not great RPG design. It’s hard for me to be uber critical because I admire RGG quite a bit to understand this was a genuine attempt at stepping out of a 20-year comfort zone into a genre they’ve never fully dabbled in. Yakuza/Like A Dragon always had RPG elements since the beginning. They had random encounters, a leveling system where you increase stats and unlock moves, items you can buy that give you certain buffs in combat, weapons and accessories you can equip, and optional side quests reminiscent of ones you’d find in a Japanese-developed RPG you’ve played before. RPGs unquestionably inspired them, but like I said what they took were just elements. Something brought in to complement a core gameplay style they’ve locked in with for so many games, going through constant refinement and revisions. I wouldn’t call RGG games wholly ‘conventional’, if that makes sense, but with Yakuza 7 it’s clear there was an attempt at making a fully-fledged traditional turn-based RPG. Where they pushed the RPG elements already present in Yakuza/Like A Dragon to the forefront and built upon what was missing by pulling from various well-regarded games in the genre. It’s drawing from Shin Megami Tensei, especially with its subseries Persona, where you have menus as long as your arm, but it all came down to spamming three useful moves that drain MP. The Social Links-- I mean, the Drink Links give that inspiration dead away. It pulls from Final Fantasy V with the job system, but it doesn’t have the experimentation that game offers you freely. I don’t understand the thought process for giving you a handful of jobs that mechanically barely feel unique from each other. Going further, I also think for a game that feels designed to address the criticisms people stigmatized RPGs for, it incorporates archaic choices that first warranted that ire. Final Fantasy V lets you switch jobs and customize from the main menu right away, yet here, you need to travel to this one specific place in a large open map to do that. You can’t introduce a system made for flexible party customization and force players to go through so much backtracking to change it. Now, there’s certainly personality to the combat, I suspect taking inspiration from Mother’s trademark zany realism except with an RGG twist that felt perfect, but there’s so little underneath the hood. There’s no strategy needed to defeat most enemies, partly because it hinges on spamming moves and also because there’s hardly much of a real challenge that pushes you. Until certain boss fights near the latter half, I found everything to be incredibly breezy. I never had to focus on doing some extra grinding, optimizing my party, planning out my attacks, or approaching enemy encounters more carefully. What I found most strange is how they incorporated environmental attacks, where if a party member moves near an object they can pick it up and bash enemies with it. It’s easily the most interesting quirk brought to the table here because RGG is flexing on the Dragon Engine’s collision physics, but you have no control over a party member’s spatial positioning in a battle. It’s an illusion of movement seeing your party members aimlessly roam around, and you have to get lucky they move closeby to an object to do an environmental attack. Because of how they walk around freely on their own, with no input by the player, I encountered so many times when a party member had to run up to an enemy to attack but the pathfinding was so rough they either got stuck running to a wall until they almost magically teleported in front of the enemy or had to awkwardly walk and step over a railing to then switch to an attack animation. I thought it was charming in a jank way, but it became annoying later on because it exposed the weaknesses of a rough design here.

Yakuza 7 became a real test for me. I have my problems with the turn-based design and how the story was paced to fill out an arbitrary requirement to make the game feel ‘big’ because it’s an RPG, I guess. Yet the positives outweighed those staggering negatives, I ended up enjoying this very well, even if it didn’t cross as being one of my favorites of the series. If it wasn’t because RGG games are densely packed with so much content from substories, minigames, and whatever wild distraction you can spend hours on to distract yourself from the main game, this would’ve done even less for me. Like, I don’t blame people for being fine with the combat, it’s fun to watch and does the job serviceably. I think that’s what anyone needs when going into an RPG, but for me, I expected much more from someone who's played the games this is explicitly riffing from and sees a pale imitation. I find this worth criticizing because turn-based is what Yakuza/Like A Dragon is going to be from now on. This is the new foundation for a new protagonist with new stories waiting to be played. I’m not at all opposed to the vision RGG wants to cook with Kasuga, so I only hope this was massively reworked with the next mainline entry to get me fully on board. We all have to start somewhere, even if it is rock bottom.

Not quite perfect, but a few adjustments away from it.

Man, 2024 really has been the year of the four star review for me. I promise that I’m not losing my epic caustic critic touch and am instead simply playing games that I expect to like. I’ve long heard mixed opinions on Observation ever since it released, but they’ve often trended towards the negative. All I really knew going in was that you controlled the HAL 9000 on a spaceship and that people who played it didn’t especially love it. That might be the ideal way to experience anything: clean slate, low expectations.

What’s fortunate for me, then, is the fact that I really enjoyed Observation. With some caveats, of course, but the broader experience was one that I had a lot of fun with. It’s nice getting to relive that Space Station 13 gameplay loop of playing as the ship’s AI and getting yelled at by the /tg/station HoS for not opening doors quickly enough. That's really not much of an exaggeration, either; the bulk of what you'll be doing is opening doors, getting subsystems back online, and helping the onboard personnel attempt to figure out what's going on. Hell, you even get the Ion Laws that'll pop up out of nowhere and rewrite parts of your code, influencing you to act in strange and novel ways. All of this is processed through a lens of cassette-futurist panels and knobs and lossy tape compression, which is an aesthetic that I don't find often hits, but really hits when it does. It's certainly given a bit more of a modern spin than something like Alien in terms of its visual flair; it's shooting for more of a "here's what the ISS would look like if it was launched in 1972". My Alien comparison isn't coming from nowhere either, because the co-founder of No Code was actually the lead UI designer for Alien: Isolation before moving on to this. Go figure. Best to stick with what you know.

I do enjoy the moment to moment gameplay of flicking between stationary cameras, pulling up the map to figure out where certain hubs are located, interfacing with panels and decryption tools to access locked files, and then threading them all together to break through a cipher or gain access to a new subsystem. It can be a pit pixel hunt-y sometimes in a way that I really dislike, and the parts of the game where you're forced to control the camera drone without any map access are so disorienting as to actively make me want to stop playing. I understand that the confusion when you're controlling the drone is kind of the point, but there's far too much taken away from the player that would help to compensate me blindly flying around and hoping that I accidentally stumble into progression. Maps don't work in space, and maps don't work when your core is offline; given that these individual rooms on the ship feel designed to be viewed through the angles given by the static cameras, making me fly through them in first person broadly leaves me with no fucking idea where I actually am. The yaw seems to work as expected, but applying pitch or roll feel like they add extra movement that you didn't ask for. Pitch your camera upwards and get confused as to what you're looking at until you realize that pitching upward also applied a 90-degree roll, for some reason. This came up often enough for it to be a problem, but I could never figure out how or why it kept happening. I'm mostly just attributing it to "bad controls" and moving on. That might be a dishonest read, and the actual problem lies between screen and chair, but it's my review and its real purpose is to aggrandize myself.

Of course, the gameplay is more of a vehicle by which the story progresses than it is anything else. What's here narratively isn't anything all that new; an AI onboard a spaceship in the near future goes rogue, there's an obvious doppelganger twist that thankfully reveals the conclusion almost as soon as its hinted at, there's a corrupting alien force that seems malicious but might not be. It's hardly anything you haven't seen before. Granted, it's rare for all of these elements to come together at once like this — 2001: A Space Odyssey crashing into Coherence crashing into Arrival — but it's not hard to pick at these elements like toppings off a pizza and see the base story components for what they are. It's all very steadily rolled out, often resolving one plot hook before launching the next, and the real meat is in trying to figure out what the mysterious floating black hexagon a) is, and b) is trying to make you do. "BRING HER" serve as your arc words to latch onto, and while the "HER" in question is obviously the woman who wakes you up at the beginning of the game, the purpose of "BRING"ing her is left in the air from the opening moments until the credits.

I realize as I'm writing this that I haven't really said anything kind about Observation, and that makes me wonder what it is about the game that made me like it so much. No, it's not a novel story, and it's a bit of a headache to play, but it might just be the definition of a work that's more than the sum of its parts. There are a lot of little moments that really make up the bulk of what I enjoy, and they’re peppered throughout at just enough of a regular pace to keep me locked in while also giving me just enough downtime to let them simmer. They’re such small things, too; there’s one sequence where you’re poking around the Russian arm of the ship to find some cameras, and the room you need to go into is suddenly marked with a tag that says “MOVEMENT DETECTED”. There’s basically no attention brought to this aside from a tiny text box sitting next to the room’s icon. There’s no blaring sounds, there’s no glitchy UI, it just tells you that something is moving in there when it was empty just moments before. It’s really good. It’s nice to play a game with horror elements that understands when to let the player scare themselves. The gleaming white walls eventually give way to meat-striped grunge, you’re tasked with locking all of the exits and shutting off life support to kill the captain, someone who definitely died inexplicably comes back, and it all starts to feel like reality is crumbling away. I dig it, especially as a major escalation of what started as a fairly grounded sci-fi plot. SAM sprouts tentacles from his core to kill a human and says “I have changed” in his robot voice and I popped off because it was just so goddamn cool. Observation understands creepy robots.

There’s not much to say about Observation besides the fact that it’s good at getting across big moments and small moments with equal amounts of finesse, but it struggles a bit to stick them all together. The gameplay is the glue holding it all in place, so more than a handful of segments being clunky to navigate through hurts the final experience. What’s frustrating — and encouraging, honestly — is that it’s shockingly close to a higher score. Just get rid of the probe. That’s really it. I’d forgive the occasional pixel hunt if they just excised the probe from the game. There’s nothing that the probe does that couldn’t be accomplished with the extant camera fixtures, and it might actually be better for the atmosphere; having something slink around the edge of the frame that gets away before you can move your view to see it would have been a lot better than blindly bonking the probe into every wall of the ship because I couldn’t figure out which way was up. Still, I really do like Observation, and I’m going to have to check out Stories Untold purely off of the momentum from this. This studio seems to know what they’re doing.

No Code might actually make a decent Silent Hill game.

i've been thinking about my relationship with art, and my thoughts at the moment are that what i want in a piece is to feel something. it's not only about being entertaining, it's about catharsis. it's about feeling extremely happy or deeply miserable. it's about having the teeth grinding, the foot tapping, the head scratched. it's about going insane over the details. i want to feel alive. maybe it's a sick thought. maybe i should just live my own life, but i can guarantee, i've been living my own life a lot! much more than i would like to, sometimes.

all the games i've finished this year so far (very few) were a good time, some of them were amazing, really thought-provoking like anodyne 2, but none of them hit me like a truck. until GOD HAND.

GOD HAND makes you feel extremely happy, deeply miserable, with your teeth grinding, your foot tapping, your head scratching... pretty much at the same time! it's commonly known as a very difficult game and it's not an impossible one, but it does require you full commitment. starting with learning the controls: when action games were about swords and guns, with fast-paced movement, GOD HAND was about throwing punches while moving in tank controls. it's all about positioning, a 1v1 it's already a difficult task, but a 2v1? a 4v1? does not help when your crowd control movements are slow as hell! but don't be confused: GOD HAND is not a slow game! actually, if you can't keep up, you will pretty much ended up cooked lol, you have to adapt to the rhythm of the fight. it's all about learning and once you learn, it's about going wild.

and it's not a flashy game. you throw punches. real punches. punches that hit, than you can feel when it hits. GOD HAND it's a dudes rock game but every single dude is rocking on you (in a not-homosexual-way (unfortunately)), and you got rock on them instead. GOD HAND it's a videogame that loves action games. it's a videogame that recognizes the masculine archetypes about the action genre in overall media and at the same time it honors it and it also makes fun of it. GOD HAND is very "manly"! i mean, having blackjack and poker and dogs races as a way to make money makes me think that shinji mikami and the team are either the funniest guys ever or the most heteronormative of all time! and it's very funny either way.

what really matters is that GOD HAND is a videogame that made me feel everything, and in a year that is definitely NOT being my year, with a lot of work and study and personal problems as well, making me sometimes lost my interest in my favorite hobby, it reminds me how great videogames can be and how i can always just punch a son of a bitch when it needs to. you better watch out mf!!!

Some say that the best things are those that take its time in the oven before fully baking, and let me tell ya…

Tour de Pizza fucking COOKED.


It's almost heartwarming to see this realized: I still remember those first Pizza Tower demos on Twitter and Youtube and the Noise always being in the forefront, either as a boss of major part or them or an outright playable character. As we all know, in the final game he’s World 3’s final boss, not even the main antagonist of the game, tho that didn’t stop this psychotic gremlin from being charming as hell… but nah, I really wanted the fucker to be playable, and more than a year later, he’s here, to the dismay of all Italians.

I would have still felt satisfied if Noise felt less interesting or exciting to play as than Peppino, ‘cause I mean, it’s goddam Peppinno, but no, they just HAD to go all out and make a banger move set. I still don’t really know which of the two is my favorite, but that’s just a testIment of how fucking fun Noise is and how it accomplished what it’s going for: to make you feel that you aren’t playing as an overstressed cook, but as a goddam ANIMAL.

If Pepinno was the ‘’fight or flight’’ concept personified, then Noise is just the FIGHT, he cheats the game’s puzzles how many times necessary, he super jumps whenever he wants, he doesn’t need of Gustavo and Brick to save him, he’s got himself! Literally! Like there’s another one of him just becauseWHAT THE HELL IS THIS CHARACTER. And I mean, they gave him the sausage gatling, so at this point I’m pretty confident saying the game is finally whole, this is it chief, happiness has been found.

It taps once again into that sheer adrenaline burst that the first playthrough perfect, but in a completely unhinged way. Once you learn how everything about this mad lad works, everything clicks, the levels break open and the amount of tricks you’ll be performing are second nature: skate wall jumps, tornado spins into dives into jumps into more tornado spins, pizza crushers that demolish everything without much of a sweat and using it is super easy, and that’s not even mentioning how ALL extra mechanics, like the ghost transformation or the rocket, are completely changed to fit this rat brain’s way of acting, and it’s exciting to learn and glorious to master. They somehow found a way to make WAR harder yet more fun. HOW.

One would think that, since it isn’t a boss anymore, part of Noise’s completely unhinched persona would be lost in translation to playability, yet that couldn’t be further from the truth. Some levels even change lay-outs to fit him better and be more fun, but at this point I think it was the Noise himself that changed the before entering to make his life easier. His animations, how all title cards just have different drawings of his face on top of the characters, his ‘’no thoughts’’ face each time he fights a boss and how he can DEMOLISH them with the bombs (whoever thought of that should get a raise, they are so fun to use), some new songs that I'm 99% sure are just the sounds that play inside of Noise's head, it’s INSANE, as it should and then some.

It's Pizza Tower, it obviously was gonna be insane and good, but this is next level from what I was expecting, and I’m so happy it’s here. Noise Mouse is real bois, just that justifies completely another playthrough of this game, having bomb combos and level variations is the cherry on top…

Still, huge missed opportunity to not have Noisette or any other bosses playable in the Gustavo and Brick sections, like yeah, more Noise is fun, but I just think that- Oh dear, no I didn’t mean to- OH GOD THERE ARE 100 NOISES SURROUNDING MY HOME AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-