i feel like i should be given some form of legal recourse against sonic fans for gaslighting me into expecting a good time from this. it's like if every single level in Mario Sunshine was the pachinko one.

the music, story, and graphics range from great to adorable but genuinely nothing else about this one is fun or good. Sonic Adventure 2 is a game full of the worst levels in a platformer, every stage is a battle with a camera that doesn't work, physics that don't work, constant glitches (a lot of clipping thru walls and floors), and design that rarely ever feels seamless or functional. Sonic and Shadow's levels are the best (and smallest) part and a few specific Shadow levels were cool, the rest are spent wildly flinging into bottomless pits because the camera doesn't show you what you need to see and the game doesn't work. Tails and Eggman's levels are insufferably dull and are far too plentiful. Rouge and Knuckles' levels are on some straight-up warcrime shit, especially the space ones. all of the space levels suck bad and they're the entire back half of the game - which is great if you like the same exact level theme 6 times. there's boss fights, which are either entirely unremarkable or some of the worst boss designs in a game, specifically the Biolizard and that fuckin ghost. i LOVE waiting one minute to hit a boss in its giant obvious weakspot and getting 4 minutes into the fight before having to use the homing dash that just decides to fucking kill me instead of the boss.

the game's aesthetics and presentation are undeniably and overwhelmingly charming but playing this game makes my blood pressure rise, nothing about it ever once feels right. it stressed me out so bad. i bet for fans who've grown up with it and know every level and are accustomed to its janky ass, they probably have fun with it. but for someone who's just a normal person, this shit was mind-blowingly painful. like, it should be illegal to recommend this one to people who haven't played it. i kinda liked the first one but having heard people talk up this game for most of my life, i expected it to be at least kinda good. i really wanted to like it! it kinda bums me out how badly i ended up hating this one.

like a dog having emptied its bowels on a newly purchased carpet, staring up in abject shame at its disappointed and solemnly sighing owners, i admit that i 100% completed this game. did i get anything out of it? no. Vampire Survivors is the kind of 'game' i can only recommend to other people with ADHD who just want some little thing to fuck around with while watching a movie or a show or a video online, but calling it a game is maybe a bit generous. it's more like a slot machine than a game, your actual control is minimal and it's largely built around big number going up and flashy thing happening. once you know how to win, you never lose again. there's not much to discover or interact with, so games really quickly become you waiting around for 20 minutes while nothing happens but numbers and gold go up. this might be the meanest thing i can say about a game, but its feedback loop and lack of meaningful interaction/gameplay made me think it would really fit a gacha. it's not interesting or engaging on its own, but as a background thing where you can jiggle around for a little bit, it kinda works. is that an honourable or valuable thing? no.

how is a fitness game the best rpg on the switch

why did they make Tifa a generic 'pleasant' bubbly anime woman. why is she holding onto Cloud's arm like 'oooh i'm soooo scaaareeed!' like they nail almost everyone except Tifa. why is she so boring and submissive and weak. why isn't she calling me slurs.

no thanks! i'd rather throw the 'ol pigskin in the backyard with my five identical adult sons

it took 13 hours to unlock 1 (one) mobile suit with currency (which expires) largely obtainable through 'new account' missions. the game itself is kinda fun, if very janky, but the requirements for actually being able to play as new characters are absolutely insane. if you decide to shell out for them they cost nearly $15CAD each.

also, the game has a battle pass.

the real splatfest is between whether or not i'll see more softcore bara furry porn or softcore foot porn in the plaza

You're walking down a dark, dank alleyway at night. Skittish, your fear is apparent in the unease of your gait. Passing assorted dumpsters and turning a corner, you're faced with the presence of a mysterious man. Not one you want to interact with. Hoping you can just get by without incident, you do your best to look like you're busy and avoid any eye contact. Sadly, the man sees right through your facade and blocks your path. His hands disappear into the inner lining of his long, stained trench coat. You can barely make out his face from his scruffy beard and numerous grease stains. You freeze up. He takes one hand out, waving it at you - he tells you to stay calm, he tells you he KNOWS you and knows what you want. Sweat cakes your forehead. He continues, pulling his other hand from his coat pocket with a few rectangular objects you can't quite discern. He tells you that you have two options - the good way, or the bad way. He steps forward into the glow of an old street sign, the light revealing the objects in his hands to be two Sega Genesis games. Your fear colludes with your confusion. He notices your expression twist and tries to dissuade you your discomfort, stating that he's an expert one two things - Sega games and Opossums. He tells you you have a choice, a choice between two games - the only Opossum lead titles. Before you are copies of Rocket Knight Adventures and Awesome Possum. You choose Awesome Possum and die instantaneously.

i think this is the sorta game you need to be a teenage boy to really get into. its entire appeal is its tryhard edge - if you don't like the game's humor, it won't work. if you have fond memories of playing xbox live, the iraq war, and watching south park, it'd probably do it for you. the actual game really isn't worth talking about much either, it's about as crudely made and tedious as its very funny and very smart jokes. there's a lot of freedom in how you go about your day, kinda like the world's stinkiest immersive sim. you'll only find the gameplay and the wacky scenarios therein fun if you fuck with the writing. i don't. not gonna pretend there's nothing to this one, but i'm not seeing it.

also when i quit it after 13hrs of playtime steam fucked up and said i played 130hrs, making it one of the most played games and forcing me to remove it from my account out of shame.

Blue Fire is the sort of game that makes you think of other games you'd rather be playing. it invokes its inspirations openly, not even hiding its clear admiration for Wind Waker and other Nintendo games. thing is, it doesn't do anything with those inspirations. there is no meaningful design to be found in this game. pointless systems (crafting, sidequests) overlap and exist for seemingly no real purpose. movement is stiff, not very satisfying; the same can be said for the combat. three hours in, nothing about it stood out. no areas, no characters, no music, no story, no gameplay - nothing. instead, Blue Fire is the sort of game where you hit a switch to do an annoyingly timed puzzle that isn't difficult in the slightest but is frustrating due to your movement and collision. there is absolutely nothing exceptional to be found in Blue Fire. it is deeply, direly unessential.

i really, really hate being so harsh on an indie game. these devs clearly do have a lot of talent, this game just isn't inspiring or thoughtful in any way, be it narrative or design. there's nothing about Blue Fire that i walk away with. there's nothing memorable, nothing exciting. it's a pastiche of better games melted into a bland soup of a game. also why do so many indie games have protagonists that are just little blobby guys with a white helmet

i opened the game for the first time and was instantly flooded with shit about timed unlockable cosmetics, was prompted to check out the 'battle pass', and saw the multiple different in-game currencies in the few different storefronts. and then i felt sick and uninstalled the game.

deeply flawed and frustrating the face of its charm. it has some adorable presentation, the opening act culminating in the stand-off was really exciting. and GOD i love Virginia, the rest of the cast is sorta middling but FUCk she's so fun. not that i hate any of the other characters, but Virginia outshines them so hard that she should've been the sole protagonist somehow. i shouldn't have to say shit like this but having a JRPG with a great, fun female protagonist where NO ONE says weird shit about her or objectifies her and she's just allowed to be cool and the leader? fucking refreshing. LOVE her. the idea of playing through a wild west themed JRPG as a young girl off to find her destiny and become a (capital D) Drifter armed with dual revolvers and undying optimism hooked me the second it started.

but then the rest of the game started. and oh. the first big problem i encountered was in Gallows' prologue section. you need to find a temple, issue is i had no fucking clue where it was. and i couldn't exactly explore to find it considering the enemies that spawned in the overworld were all unwinnable battles. cool. turns out you actually need to just spam the square button around anywhere there might be an area, because i guess every town and temple in this world is under a cloaking device and our yeehaw asses can't see for shit. the combat itself is fine. like, it's okay. has some great customization, but it's not anything particularly involving. the system of force/medium moves have a unique balance that's more cute than compelling, most regular fights won't have you getting enough FP for it to really matter. same with the encounter dodge system, it's a cute concept but the sheer volume of encounters leads it to barely even matter. dungeons are generic, puzzles are simple. camera's kinda awkward.

Wild Arms 3 has really cool ideas and characters but it's just a bit too undercooked and lame as fuck in some areas. HOWEVER. i'm glad it exists just for Virginia Maxwell though. give her a remake or something she deserves it she fuckin RULES

they should've released this on a double-disc set with Dirge of Cerberus like a combination pizza hut and taco bell. they're the same game.

in the original Final Fantasy VII, Sephiroth is an imposing figure steeped in mystery - you only see him in flashbacks, everyone talks about him like the unachievable height of humanity, and for a while all you see is the calamity left in his wake. Bodies senselessly slaughtered, trails of blood tracing his path. The corpse of a dreadful monster, effortlessly defeated and strung up like he's taunting you.

in FFVII R, he shows up in the first 20mins and goes "muahaha im so fuckin ominous"