TheQuietGamer
Finally, some good freaking Postal. Shows there's still some gas in the tank for both Postal 2 and maybe the franchise as a whole. After 11 years away and a disastrously received outsourced third main entry Paradise Lost immediately retcons as a nightmarish coma dream of the Dude, Running with Scissors returned to develop this expansion for themselves. I’ve got to say, all the growth you would hope to see from them after such an extended absence is on display here as they deliver not only their typical demented wit, but evidence that they’d genuinely been refining their craft during that period as well.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not proclaiming this to be some massive step forward for the property. At the end of the day, it is just more Postal 2 (which as it turns out is exactly what I wanted) on a slightly reskinned map. Yet it features markedly improved writing, level-design, vision, and boss battles compared to Apocalypse Weekend. It's also the first Postal to make me legitimately laugh out loud. Stuff such as the robot factory with its hilarious Claptrap parodies (voiced by David Eddings himself) and occasional copycat G-Man sighting, alongside an overall goofier assortment of tasks that include shutting down a nightclub by performing bad karaoke led to a campaign that might actually be more imaginative, amusing, and better paced than even that of the base game.
Another aspect I particularly enjoyed as well was the increased amount of effort that went into fleshing out the map with a greater variety of fun things to uncover. The sorely missed open-world format gets resurrected after far too long and RWS ensured there are more secrets, Easter eggs, and personal touches than ever before to successfully revitalize the setting of post-apocalyptic "Paradise," Arizona by giving you extra rewards for wandering off the beaten path and exploring a setting that had previously always felt kind of barren before. FYI, there's a house where you can find two Postal Babes kissing in a backroom. Happy hunting you horny nerds.
Now, as much as I'd love to keep heaping praise onto this and happily declare it as the best entry in the series (not quite, but very close), there are some issues. A couple of which are pretty serious. Once you reach Thursday on your to-do list for the new week you can tell they either ran out of time, ideas, or most likely money knowing these guys during development. The areas you revisit from the main offering stop featuring enough changes to keep you from realizing you’re basically playing recycled content, causing the last hour or so until you reach the finale in Hell to drag a bit. It probably wasn't overly noticeable or that big of an issue for those who had been waiting on Paradise Lost for roughly a decade, but as someone who had only beaten P2 a mere month ago it stuck out like a sore thumb. A much worse flaw however comes from the option you're given to create a desktop shortcut that will allow you to jump straight into the experience rather than having to go through two different main menus to access it, since opting to go that route results in your Steam achievements bugging out.
There are some other, less significant problems along the lines of minor audio quirks and whatnot. Although ultimately, large or small, none of the faults prevented me from thoroughly enjoying this. It's a fantastic and perfectly befitting send-off by Running with Scissors for easily their biggest success that doubles as a thank you/apology for all the crap that was released in between to the fans, while painting a promising picture for future installments. I know my enthusiasm and optimism for the rest of the property that followed has been somewhat restored after struggling through a string of lackluster to downright awful sequels and spin-offs recently. Perhaps the first definite proof that there's real talent at the Tucson-based studio behind all the controversy.
9/10
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not proclaiming this to be some massive step forward for the property. At the end of the day, it is just more Postal 2 (which as it turns out is exactly what I wanted) on a slightly reskinned map. Yet it features markedly improved writing, level-design, vision, and boss battles compared to Apocalypse Weekend. It's also the first Postal to make me legitimately laugh out loud. Stuff such as the robot factory with its hilarious Claptrap parodies (voiced by David Eddings himself) and occasional copycat G-Man sighting, alongside an overall goofier assortment of tasks that include shutting down a nightclub by performing bad karaoke led to a campaign that might actually be more imaginative, amusing, and better paced than even that of the base game.
Another aspect I particularly enjoyed as well was the increased amount of effort that went into fleshing out the map with a greater variety of fun things to uncover. The sorely missed open-world format gets resurrected after far too long and RWS ensured there are more secrets, Easter eggs, and personal touches than ever before to successfully revitalize the setting of post-apocalyptic "Paradise," Arizona by giving you extra rewards for wandering off the beaten path and exploring a setting that had previously always felt kind of barren before. FYI, there's a house where you can find two Postal Babes kissing in a backroom. Happy hunting you horny nerds.
Now, as much as I'd love to keep heaping praise onto this and happily declare it as the best entry in the series (not quite, but very close), there are some issues. A couple of which are pretty serious. Once you reach Thursday on your to-do list for the new week you can tell they either ran out of time, ideas, or most likely money knowing these guys during development. The areas you revisit from the main offering stop featuring enough changes to keep you from realizing you’re basically playing recycled content, causing the last hour or so until you reach the finale in Hell to drag a bit. It probably wasn't overly noticeable or that big of an issue for those who had been waiting on Paradise Lost for roughly a decade, but as someone who had only beaten P2 a mere month ago it stuck out like a sore thumb. A much worse flaw however comes from the option you're given to create a desktop shortcut that will allow you to jump straight into the experience rather than having to go through two different main menus to access it, since opting to go that route results in your Steam achievements bugging out.
There are some other, less significant problems along the lines of minor audio quirks and whatnot. Although ultimately, large or small, none of the faults prevented me from thoroughly enjoying this. It's a fantastic and perfectly befitting send-off by Running with Scissors for easily their biggest success that doubles as a thank you/apology for all the crap that was released in between to the fans, while painting a promising picture for future installments. I know my enthusiasm and optimism for the rest of the property that followed has been somewhat restored after struggling through a string of lackluster to downright awful sequels and spin-offs recently. Perhaps the first definite proof that there's real talent at the Tucson-based studio behind all the controversy.
9/10
2021
There certainly is a fair bit to lament about this throwback to the retro survival-horror classics of yesteryear...
Creating an experience meant to instill terror with a cutesy pixel art style seems like a paradox, yet titles such as Lone Survivor and Claire have shown it is entirely possible to do so successfully. If they stand as proof of the method's effectiveness however, then Lamentum is without a doubt their antithesis. Often the imagery it presents is more goofy than frightening. Leading to a descent through the spirals of madness that simply isn't scary, and not just because of its occasional corny touches which include abandoned nurseries decorated with children's wooden ABC blocks that have been arranged to spell out the words "die" or "hell" (ooh, petrifying 🙄) either.
It may come as a surprise though, that this isn't the game's real problem. That would be how it more frequently serves as a showcase for the less fondly remembered aspects of the Silent Hills, Resident Evils, and other PS1 era genre greats it's paying homage to, rather than the qualities that made them so beloved. To be fair, it does get about half the formula right. Developer Obscure Tales really nailed the exploration and puzzle-solving element, tossing you into a very Spencer Mansion-esque setting full of satisfying head-scratchers that make the loop of figuring out what items need to be used where as the number of areas you have access to only grows larger extremely addicting indeed. Unfortunately, the stuff they got wrong was enough to suck quite a bit of my enjoyment out from even this portion and left me wishing they had made a straight adventure offering instead.
Now, having to carefully manage your supplies, contend with limited inventory space, and potentially lose lengthy stretches of progress should you happen to meet an untimely demise on your way to the next sparsely located safe room is always annoying to a degree, but far from atypical for the genre. Just look at Lamentum’s obvious inspirations. So the fact that all that stuff actively irritated me here whereas I've been able to basically overlook them in its influences means that I either can't hang with survival-horror anymore (totally possible) or that this one doesn't manage to bring these hurdles together in a way that healthily adds to the tension as opposed to merely introducing greater frustration. Naturally, I'm leaning towards the latter.
I think the reason it fails to make everything click for itself is because it doesn't get the combat right. It wasn't until around the halfway mark when I finally found a melee weapon decent enough to make defending myself when backed into a corner, a regular occurrence given how much of the runtime takes place in tight hallways, a legitimately viable option even with the fairly reliable dodge mechanic. With bullets needing to be rationed for boss battles, up until then trying to squeeze past monsters and healing up whatever swipes I may have taken (and usually did take) along the way was genuinely the best means of preserving my resources, which turns the process of getting from point A to point B and back again into an unengaging, tedious, and at times downright aggravating slog. Especially since one of the protagonist's lungs apparently explodes the second he tries to run more than three steps when in the presence of an enemy. Word of advice, turn off the RE1 style limited saves and maybe just play on easy.
Another, minor in comparison flaw that left me nonetheless baffled is the game's approach to endings. I achieved 3 out of the 4 different conclusions. That fourth and final one, meanwhile? Unless you're willing to awkwardly hump every square inch of scenery I have no idea how you would unlock it without resorting to a guide as it requires you to collect a certain number of items (6 human teeth and 10 "strange" coins to be precise) that often don't have any sort of visual indication of where they are onscreen and are sometimes hidden in scripted hallucination scenarios that give you only a single opportunity to grab them. I also still don't know what you're supposed to do with them afterwards. By far the most cryptic set of finale requirements I've seen since trying to spare Cybil in the first Silent Hill.
Ultimately, in spite of all my complaints and grievances I did push through to witness the credits roll. Drawing strength from the consistent dopamine hit of finding that next key or tool that would grant me access to another section of "Grau Hill" and the secrets inside. The devs definitely delivered on the brainteasers, but the manner they dropped the ball with the action and horror causes this to be difficult to recommend. If they can manage to notably improve in those departments for their already announced sophomore showing “INANIMA” then we could have a true standout on our hands. Unfortunately, their debut effort leaves a lot to be desired.
5.5/10
Creating an experience meant to instill terror with a cutesy pixel art style seems like a paradox, yet titles such as Lone Survivor and Claire have shown it is entirely possible to do so successfully. If they stand as proof of the method's effectiveness however, then Lamentum is without a doubt their antithesis. Often the imagery it presents is more goofy than frightening. Leading to a descent through the spirals of madness that simply isn't scary, and not just because of its occasional corny touches which include abandoned nurseries decorated with children's wooden ABC blocks that have been arranged to spell out the words "die" or "hell" (ooh, petrifying 🙄) either.
It may come as a surprise though, that this isn't the game's real problem. That would be how it more frequently serves as a showcase for the less fondly remembered aspects of the Silent Hills, Resident Evils, and other PS1 era genre greats it's paying homage to, rather than the qualities that made them so beloved. To be fair, it does get about half the formula right. Developer Obscure Tales really nailed the exploration and puzzle-solving element, tossing you into a very Spencer Mansion-esque setting full of satisfying head-scratchers that make the loop of figuring out what items need to be used where as the number of areas you have access to only grows larger extremely addicting indeed. Unfortunately, the stuff they got wrong was enough to suck quite a bit of my enjoyment out from even this portion and left me wishing they had made a straight adventure offering instead.
Now, having to carefully manage your supplies, contend with limited inventory space, and potentially lose lengthy stretches of progress should you happen to meet an untimely demise on your way to the next sparsely located safe room is always annoying to a degree, but far from atypical for the genre. Just look at Lamentum’s obvious inspirations. So the fact that all that stuff actively irritated me here whereas I've been able to basically overlook them in its influences means that I either can't hang with survival-horror anymore (totally possible) or that this one doesn't manage to bring these hurdles together in a way that healthily adds to the tension as opposed to merely introducing greater frustration. Naturally, I'm leaning towards the latter.
I think the reason it fails to make everything click for itself is because it doesn't get the combat right. It wasn't until around the halfway mark when I finally found a melee weapon decent enough to make defending myself when backed into a corner, a regular occurrence given how much of the runtime takes place in tight hallways, a legitimately viable option even with the fairly reliable dodge mechanic. With bullets needing to be rationed for boss battles, up until then trying to squeeze past monsters and healing up whatever swipes I may have taken (and usually did take) along the way was genuinely the best means of preserving my resources, which turns the process of getting from point A to point B and back again into an unengaging, tedious, and at times downright aggravating slog. Especially since one of the protagonist's lungs apparently explodes the second he tries to run more than three steps when in the presence of an enemy. Word of advice, turn off the RE1 style limited saves and maybe just play on easy.
Another, minor in comparison flaw that left me nonetheless baffled is the game's approach to endings. I achieved 3 out of the 4 different conclusions. That fourth and final one, meanwhile? Unless you're willing to awkwardly hump every square inch of scenery I have no idea how you would unlock it without resorting to a guide as it requires you to collect a certain number of items (6 human teeth and 10 "strange" coins to be precise) that often don't have any sort of visual indication of where they are onscreen and are sometimes hidden in scripted hallucination scenarios that give you only a single opportunity to grab them. I also still don't know what you're supposed to do with them afterwards. By far the most cryptic set of finale requirements I've seen since trying to spare Cybil in the first Silent Hill.
Ultimately, in spite of all my complaints and grievances I did push through to witness the credits roll. Drawing strength from the consistent dopamine hit of finding that next key or tool that would grant me access to another section of "Grau Hill" and the secrets inside. The devs definitely delivered on the brainteasers, but the manner they dropped the ball with the action and horror causes this to be difficult to recommend. If they can manage to notably improve in those departments for their already announced sophomore showing “INANIMA” then we could have a true standout on our hands. Unfortunately, their debut effort leaves a lot to be desired.
5.5/10
2011
You know, for the big, bad black sheep of the Postal franchise I was expecting something a whole lot worse. Don't get me wrong, I'm not some deluded apologist fan trying to convince you this actually a misunderstood masterpiece or even a good game at all. I'm just saying it's more a cheap and disappointing product than the unplayable affront it's known as. Honestly, I've played a little over half the property's entries and expansions at this point, and PIII is about par for the course in terms of quality. Sorry, not sorry.
Its biggest problem is budgetary, which has continuously proved to be the only thing that has been more detrimental to the series' reputation and reception than even its controversial content. Running with Scissors passed development of the project off to Akella, the company responsible for publishing their works in Russia, and one of its internal studios fittingly named "Trashmasters" because those guys had deeper pockets. Unfortunately, the country's Great Recession from 08-09 completely mucked up any chances for the potential greatness that you can still catch the occasional glimpses of while playing.
The whole package was built around the idea of replayability, featuring a branching storyline that will lead you to one of three possible endings depending on your choices and behavior. The notion of getting to see entirely new content in the form of different missions and cutscenes is as compelling in this format as it is in your typical Western narrative RPG, although it's more than a bit weird that they decided for outcomes to be determined by a morality system. I mean, actively encouraging players to be upstanding, law-abiding citizens in a Postal game?! What sense does that make?
Ultimately however, I didn't find the gameplay enticing enough to pull me back in to go for another ending, and not simply because I feel I happened to pick the most interesting path of the bunch on that first playthrough either. The financial struggles behind the scenes led to this being nothing more than a generic, linear third-person shooter. Admittedly one that can be mindlessly entertaining due to the fun gore and silly guns, even if some weapons don't seem to work (I'm convinced it's impossible to hit anyone with the fire axe). Might have earned a cautious recommendation were it not for the plethora of technical issues. As if long levels without checkpoints weren't enough, I experienced multiple crashes to desktop and repeated instances of critical doors inexplicably failing to open that forced regular mission restarts.
Never knowing if something was about to go wrong and cause me to have to replay possibly lengthy stretches of a stage if I didn't remember to manually save every few minutes is what really kills this for me. I legitimately enjoyed the return to a more grounded style and tone after Apocalypse Weekend, and found the writing fitfully amusing by virtue of how nasty and vulgar they were willing to be with the shock humor in their blatant efforts to offend. It is perhaps worthier of the Postal name than the vast majority give it credit for. Regardless, while I believe the overall general vitriol this has received over the years is a tad overblown, I wouldn't recommend the curious members of the fanbase check it out. The dev's lack of proper funds led to this being too unstable and lackluster to be a fulfilling use of your time. It may be too early to tell for sure as I've still got quite a few releases left to try, but based on all I've gotten to thus far I'm beginning to suspect this property doesn't have anything consequential to offer after its second outing.
5/10
Its biggest problem is budgetary, which has continuously proved to be the only thing that has been more detrimental to the series' reputation and reception than even its controversial content. Running with Scissors passed development of the project off to Akella, the company responsible for publishing their works in Russia, and one of its internal studios fittingly named "Trashmasters" because those guys had deeper pockets. Unfortunately, the country's Great Recession from 08-09 completely mucked up any chances for the potential greatness that you can still catch the occasional glimpses of while playing.
The whole package was built around the idea of replayability, featuring a branching storyline that will lead you to one of three possible endings depending on your choices and behavior. The notion of getting to see entirely new content in the form of different missions and cutscenes is as compelling in this format as it is in your typical Western narrative RPG, although it's more than a bit weird that they decided for outcomes to be determined by a morality system. I mean, actively encouraging players to be upstanding, law-abiding citizens in a Postal game?! What sense does that make?
Ultimately however, I didn't find the gameplay enticing enough to pull me back in to go for another ending, and not simply because I feel I happened to pick the most interesting path of the bunch on that first playthrough either. The financial struggles behind the scenes led to this being nothing more than a generic, linear third-person shooter. Admittedly one that can be mindlessly entertaining due to the fun gore and silly guns, even if some weapons don't seem to work (I'm convinced it's impossible to hit anyone with the fire axe). Might have earned a cautious recommendation were it not for the plethora of technical issues. As if long levels without checkpoints weren't enough, I experienced multiple crashes to desktop and repeated instances of critical doors inexplicably failing to open that forced regular mission restarts.
Never knowing if something was about to go wrong and cause me to have to replay possibly lengthy stretches of a stage if I didn't remember to manually save every few minutes is what really kills this for me. I legitimately enjoyed the return to a more grounded style and tone after Apocalypse Weekend, and found the writing fitfully amusing by virtue of how nasty and vulgar they were willing to be with the shock humor in their blatant efforts to offend. It is perhaps worthier of the Postal name than the vast majority give it credit for. Regardless, while I believe the overall general vitriol this has received over the years is a tad overblown, I wouldn't recommend the curious members of the fanbase check it out. The dev's lack of proper funds led to this being too unstable and lackluster to be a fulfilling use of your time. It may be too early to tell for sure as I've still got quite a few releases left to try, but based on all I've gotten to thus far I'm beginning to suspect this property doesn't have anything consequential to offer after its second outing.
5/10
Yeah, that's right kids. It may be April Fools' Day, but this is NO JOKE! There's actually an official Shadow the Hedgehog promotional flash game from Sega out there for you to find.
Featuring:
Two action-packed levels that will provide you with MINUTES of riveting gameplay!!!
Stupid borders around the screen that obscure your view of what's ahead so that you have to make blind jumps with the stiff controls LIKE A MAAAAN!!
A never-ending motorbike stage that doesn't stop until you die so that you can get the sickest high-scores imaginable and rise to the top of the leaderboards!!! (Disclaimer: leaderboards don't work anymore)
A random glitch that makes it so your guns straight up WON'T. SHOOT. Totally rad!
Digital postcards you can email to a friend! (Disclaimer: the ability to send digital postcards also no longer works.)
Download Flashpoint Archive to play today!
2.5/10
Featuring:
Two action-packed levels that will provide you with MINUTES of riveting gameplay!!!
Stupid borders around the screen that obscure your view of what's ahead so that you have to make blind jumps with the stiff controls LIKE A MAAAAN!!
A never-ending motorbike stage that doesn't stop until you die so that you can get the sickest high-scores imaginable and rise to the top of the leaderboards!!! (Disclaimer: leaderboards don't work anymore)
A random glitch that makes it so your guns straight up WON'T. SHOOT. Totally rad!
Digital postcards you can email to a friend! (Disclaimer: the ability to send digital postcards also no longer works.)
Download Flashpoint Archive to play today!
2.5/10
2009
Remember when Running with Scissors would show up to gaming expos with a bunch of half-naked pornstars and models in tow to promote whatever the Postal franchise was doing next? Man, the 2000s were wild. The whole "Postal Babes" marketing campaign was apparently so successful it led to the ladies appearing in the actual games themselves, spawning a now defunct website where the company would post naughty pics of them, and starring in their own official spin-off title here.
A single glance at its name and artwork will tell what this mobile excursion is all about. Namely letting you play an action game where you get to look at chicks in their underwear. While I'm sure this was absolutely outrageous back in its day, in our modern era where we have witches clothed in hair who will show you everything but their cooter or nipples and the romance scenes in RPGs have long since turned into softcore pornos, the occasional sight of a pixelated thong-clad booty is hardly salacious enough to shock or offend anymore. Heck, it barely even gets the blood pumping.
What will get you worked up is the gameplay however, as this is unbelievably and stupidly hard. I'm talking that old-school unfair NES level of difficult that would have you questioning if the devs didn't know what they were doing or were just sadists, and leave a younger James Rolfe foaming at the mouth with rage. It starts off fine, but goes right down the crapper the second guns are introduced. At that point the whole thing becomes a torturous trial-and-error process of memorizing enemy placements so that you can try to shoot foes from offscreen before they do the same to you. I feel legitimately sorry for those who bought this on smaller devices because finishing this becomes borderline impossible on narrower aspect ratios.
A shame, as there are genuinely a few touches like the handful of sniping sections and a larger than usual for the format number of stages that show HeroCraft did at least attempt to make the project fun and something of quality. Unfortunately, the list of agonizing faults only continues to compile to include instant-death bomb defusing, bafflingly few health pickups, and needing to carefully manage the ammo in your more powerful weapons to use at the right spots. Turning what should have been a cheesy, sleazy good time into a source of unmitigated pain and suffering. Which I suppose if you were a teen trying to get his rocks off to a steamy-looking cellphone cocktease game in 2009 (why would anyone play this on the go?!) is probably what you deserved. I'm merely somebody who thought it would be amusing/interesting to marathon the entire Postal catalogue though, so I didn't. 🥺
2/10
A single glance at its name and artwork will tell what this mobile excursion is all about. Namely letting you play an action game where you get to look at chicks in their underwear. While I'm sure this was absolutely outrageous back in its day, in our modern era where we have witches clothed in hair who will show you everything but their cooter or nipples and the romance scenes in RPGs have long since turned into softcore pornos, the occasional sight of a pixelated thong-clad booty is hardly salacious enough to shock or offend anymore. Heck, it barely even gets the blood pumping.
What will get you worked up is the gameplay however, as this is unbelievably and stupidly hard. I'm talking that old-school unfair NES level of difficult that would have you questioning if the devs didn't know what they were doing or were just sadists, and leave a younger James Rolfe foaming at the mouth with rage. It starts off fine, but goes right down the crapper the second guns are introduced. At that point the whole thing becomes a torturous trial-and-error process of memorizing enemy placements so that you can try to shoot foes from offscreen before they do the same to you. I feel legitimately sorry for those who bought this on smaller devices because finishing this becomes borderline impossible on narrower aspect ratios.
A shame, as there are genuinely a few touches like the handful of sniping sections and a larger than usual for the format number of stages that show HeroCraft did at least attempt to make the project fun and something of quality. Unfortunately, the list of agonizing faults only continues to compile to include instant-death bomb defusing, bafflingly few health pickups, and needing to carefully manage the ammo in your more powerful weapons to use at the right spots. Turning what should have been a cheesy, sleazy good time into a source of unmitigated pain and suffering. Which I suppose if you were a teen trying to get his rocks off to a steamy-looking cellphone cocktease game in 2009 (why would anyone play this on the go?!) is probably what you deserved. I'm merely somebody who thought it would be amusing/interesting to marathon the entire Postal catalogue though, so I didn't. 🥺
2/10
2020
Absolute fever dream of a game. I created a busty, maroon-skinned abomination of indeterminable gender who Naruto ran everywhere, bounced side to side on the spot whenever left idle as if they had some kind of severe hyperactive disorder, and sported a flattop haircut literally colored with one the wallpaper patterns. Shockingly my custom avatar still wasn’t the strangest thing in this world where nearly every inhabitant is gay and you can hilariously ragdoll animals' limp bodies at any time by spinning them around your head like pizza dough. Everything from the modern era Cartoon Network visual aesthetic to the fact that you shrink down to the size of an insect and launch yourself around the kitchen on wooden spoons (because apparently that's easier than just walking to the fridge at normal height) to cook gives the impression that a bunch of members of the LGBT community got together, dropped acid, and made an itch.io meme parody of Animal Crossing.
Once you get past all the weirdness of the magical mushroom forests and potions that turn you into humanoid cats though, you really are simply doing fairly typical life simulator tasks of performing favors for the locals to improve your relationships while trying to open up new areas of the island and manage a cafe. It's a genuinely charming and fun experience, even if the constant backtracking to and fro between NPCs in different sections of the map can get a bit annoying. There are plenty of optional smaller distractions for you to engage in as well, such as finding every critter or completing all the baking minigames to fully flesh out your menu of delectable goodies for customers to enjoy. The amount of queer representation will also be a delight for many. You interact with at least two openly lesbian couples, a plethora of small details on clothing or in dialogue hint at a wider array of diverse sexual orientations for the cast, and special care is given so that you can know every character's pronouns if you want to (yes, there is a they/them).
Unfortunately, Calico does have one pretty serious shortcoming, and that's how unlike the Stardew Valleys and Sims of the genre there is a clear ending point here. What's worse is that it won't take you long to reach it either. After a handful of hours, you'll have legitimately burned through all there is to do and have no reason to come back, possibly ever. Heck, even your business technically runs itself as once you create a tasty treat for the first time, subsequent batches magically and automatically produced themselves freeing you up to explore other activities. Whether the title's relatively brief lifespan is a dealbreaker or not will come down to individual preference. Personally, I think the uniquely gonzo style and endearingly quirky mechanics make it worth recommending if you're looking for something different in spite of the $12 price tag.
7.8/10
Once you get past all the weirdness of the magical mushroom forests and potions that turn you into humanoid cats though, you really are simply doing fairly typical life simulator tasks of performing favors for the locals to improve your relationships while trying to open up new areas of the island and manage a cafe. It's a genuinely charming and fun experience, even if the constant backtracking to and fro between NPCs in different sections of the map can get a bit annoying. There are plenty of optional smaller distractions for you to engage in as well, such as finding every critter or completing all the baking minigames to fully flesh out your menu of delectable goodies for customers to enjoy. The amount of queer representation will also be a delight for many. You interact with at least two openly lesbian couples, a plethora of small details on clothing or in dialogue hint at a wider array of diverse sexual orientations for the cast, and special care is given so that you can know every character's pronouns if you want to (yes, there is a they/them).
Unfortunately, Calico does have one pretty serious shortcoming, and that's how unlike the Stardew Valleys and Sims of the genre there is a clear ending point here. What's worse is that it won't take you long to reach it either. After a handful of hours, you'll have legitimately burned through all there is to do and have no reason to come back, possibly ever. Heck, even your business technically runs itself as once you create a tasty treat for the first time, subsequent batches magically and automatically produced themselves freeing you up to explore other activities. Whether the title's relatively brief lifespan is a dealbreaker or not will come down to individual preference. Personally, I think the uniquely gonzo style and endearingly quirky mechanics make it worth recommending if you're looking for something different in spite of the $12 price tag.
7.8/10
2005
As much as this sounds like some chintzy fan mod project and how your expectations likely only dropped further upon seeing it's a Java/J2ME cellphone offering, I encourage you to put aside your negative preconceptions about what a mobile game, particularly one from that era, can bring to the table. This goes unbelievably hard. The switch to the grid-based movement and turn-based combat systems of old-school dungeon crawlers actually proves to be a clever way of bringing the franchise’s action over, while working around the technological limitations of the hardware which made all of the attempts at a traditional FPS that I've personally experienced basically unplayable. What's more is that it manages to do this without sacrificing any of the intensity the brand is known for. There's still nothing quite like that feeling of walking into a room full of tough demons, taking inventory of your gradually draining supplies of health, armor, ammo for power weapons, etc., and thinking "how the heck am I going to pull this off?!" even in this new format.
The swap in genres also leads to a greater emphasis on more engaging storytelling. Although the plot itself is nothing to write home about, the methods used to tell it are. I genuinely enjoyed interacting with the various NPCs and supporting cast members while reading every computer terminal scattered around for extra contextual information about the situation. I could have done without all of the fourth wall breaks and self-aware jokes as they make the tone more lighthearted/silly at points than I would prefer, but this different approach goes a long way towards making exploring and fighting through the world of DOOM feel for the first time not so empty (in terms of human life) or lonely a process. The property's longtime fans might also get a kick out of the variety of original additions to the player's arsenal they won't find in any other entry, with exception to maybe RPG's own direct sequel. The highlight, in my eyes at least, being the special collars that let you take control of canine foes.
The amount of content is surprisingly pretty decent as well. Seems as if the vast majority of these retro cellular romps can be completed in anywhere from under an hour to mere minutes. This however can keep you playing for upwards of 2hrs+ depending on if you strive for full 100% completion or not. Admittedly, part of that is due to the potential need to level grind. Eventually I found that going back to previously beaten areas to boost my stats and stock up on resources made a lot of sense to better prepare myself for the challenges ahead. Normally, this is something I'm fairly strongly against because of repetition and often the perception of padding, but here it didn't bother me so much since prior stages always contain many hidden secrets you could have missed the first time through and whole new sections that can open up upon acquiring different colored key cards. Everything comes together to create an outing truly worthy of the series and one that I was just as addicted to as the 1993 classic masterpiece.
9/10
The swap in genres also leads to a greater emphasis on more engaging storytelling. Although the plot itself is nothing to write home about, the methods used to tell it are. I genuinely enjoyed interacting with the various NPCs and supporting cast members while reading every computer terminal scattered around for extra contextual information about the situation. I could have done without all of the fourth wall breaks and self-aware jokes as they make the tone more lighthearted/silly at points than I would prefer, but this different approach goes a long way towards making exploring and fighting through the world of DOOM feel for the first time not so empty (in terms of human life) or lonely a process. The property's longtime fans might also get a kick out of the variety of original additions to the player's arsenal they won't find in any other entry, with exception to maybe RPG's own direct sequel. The highlight, in my eyes at least, being the special collars that let you take control of canine foes.
The amount of content is surprisingly pretty decent as well. Seems as if the vast majority of these retro cellular romps can be completed in anywhere from under an hour to mere minutes. This however can keep you playing for upwards of 2hrs+ depending on if you strive for full 100% completion or not. Admittedly, part of that is due to the potential need to level grind. Eventually I found that going back to previously beaten areas to boost my stats and stock up on resources made a lot of sense to better prepare myself for the challenges ahead. Normally, this is something I'm fairly strongly against because of repetition and often the perception of padding, but here it didn't bother me so much since prior stages always contain many hidden secrets you could have missed the first time through and whole new sections that can open up upon acquiring different colored key cards. Everything comes together to create an outing truly worthy of the series and one that I was just as addicted to as the 1993 classic masterpiece.
9/10
Running with Scissors tries its hand at a linear campaign. I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised to see a cheap DLC add-on take a more focused, directed approach like this, but all it really does is highlight how Postal 2's combat and level-design wasn't made for or suit that kind of structure. With the open-world having been completely stripped away you're funneled into a string of segments that either have you blasting your way through corridor-shooter levels or killing X number of something (usually animals or zombies) before being able to move on. While the former is definitely more entertaining than the latter, neither are particularly fun or exciting. When the content isn't outright dull it's frustrating instead, shining a big ol' spotlight on the inconsistencies in weapon damage and enemy power. Why is it I can take out the little demon Gary Colemans faster by throwing scissors at them than using an automatic machine gun?
This change in format also forces RWS to engage in a larger amount of scripted storytelling, set pieces, and concocting of their own jokes. Most of my chuckles in the main offering came from however I chose to amuse myself with the tools I had at my disposal. Without the same range of freedom and flexibility at your fingertips here though, they're left trying to mine laughter from the stuff going down in the cutscenes, and let me tell you none of it is terribly funny. A lot of the material is recycled gags (Haha, terrorists and protestors! Satire! LOL!) and gratuitous profanity usage, so I guess I'm expected to be rolling on the floor over how much more absurd and over-the-top everything is now. This expansion marks the point where the franchise first made a heavy push into the hyper-ridiculous territory that would more or less define the property moving forward. I may not be guffawing, but we do get a few noteworthy qualities out of it. Primarily the Dude's hallucination sequences where his prior head trauma causes him to slip into a nightmarish version of reality, which I think might be the devs poking fun at Silent Hill. Whatever the case, it shows the studio has the potential to create a strong horror title visually should they ever decide to step back from the Postal brand for a second.
It's a shame this isn't better, because it's actually a big part of the property's history and lore, making it kind of essential to get the full picture. Apocalypse Weekend played a huge role in shaping the tone of the series and is also the source of that "pigeon mission" meme the fanbase constantly references (for some reason). Unfortunately, it feels about the same as your average crappy, low-budget 2000s era indie FPS. The particular weak points being an overly long and difficult escape from a U.S. military prison/nuclear silo that requires quite a bit of save scumming and one of the most dreadfully loathsome final bosses I've ever faced. I also experienced multiple crashes to desktop, which never happened to me during my playthrough of the base game. Oh well, at least when I exit to the main menu there's a sexy chick in a thong there now. So that's nice.
4/10
This change in format also forces RWS to engage in a larger amount of scripted storytelling, set pieces, and concocting of their own jokes. Most of my chuckles in the main offering came from however I chose to amuse myself with the tools I had at my disposal. Without the same range of freedom and flexibility at your fingertips here though, they're left trying to mine laughter from the stuff going down in the cutscenes, and let me tell you none of it is terribly funny. A lot of the material is recycled gags (Haha, terrorists and protestors! Satire! LOL!) and gratuitous profanity usage, so I guess I'm expected to be rolling on the floor over how much more absurd and over-the-top everything is now. This expansion marks the point where the franchise first made a heavy push into the hyper-ridiculous territory that would more or less define the property moving forward. I may not be guffawing, but we do get a few noteworthy qualities out of it. Primarily the Dude's hallucination sequences where his prior head trauma causes him to slip into a nightmarish version of reality, which I think might be the devs poking fun at Silent Hill. Whatever the case, it shows the studio has the potential to create a strong horror title visually should they ever decide to step back from the Postal brand for a second.
It's a shame this isn't better, because it's actually a big part of the property's history and lore, making it kind of essential to get the full picture. Apocalypse Weekend played a huge role in shaping the tone of the series and is also the source of that "pigeon mission" meme the fanbase constantly references (for some reason). Unfortunately, it feels about the same as your average crappy, low-budget 2000s era indie FPS. The particular weak points being an overly long and difficult escape from a U.S. military prison/nuclear silo that requires quite a bit of save scumming and one of the most dreadfully loathsome final bosses I've ever faced. I also experienced multiple crashes to desktop, which never happened to me during my playthrough of the base game. Oh well, at least when I exit to the main menu there's a sexy chick in a thong there now. So that's nice.
4/10
2003
I gotta give Running with Scissors mad props. They are some evil, evil geniuses. This is the perfect, sarcastic middle-finger response to the backlash they received for the first Postal. All that violence media outlets and parents alike got so worked up over? Entirely optional here. The devs do give you the tools to be a mass slaughtering, public urinating menace to society, but in no way force you to use them. Meaning you can go through each of the 5 days' to-do lists of ordinary life tasks completely law-abidingly. That's brilliant, because it essentially turns anybody taking this seriously enough to get offended into the big underlying joke. You can't legitimately blame the game for whatever twisted actions you catch someone performing onscreen in this case, since the amount of freedom and lack direction given in regards to how the mundane goals can be tackled make it totally the product of their own sick little minds.
What's allowed this satire of GWB era America to stand the test of time as a sort of pseudo-classic that people still play, replay, thoroughly enjoy, and talk about nearly 21 years later as of this writing isn't its ability to appeal to immature teenagers while simultaneously causing their authority figures to look pretty foolish for complaining about it, however. It's the absolute playground for childish mischief it provides. The vulgar/heinous acts you can commit and politically incorrect world they take place in are presented in a cartoonish, clearly tongue-in-cheek manner akin to something like South Park. What feelings of repulsion one could have in regards to the havoc they create is offset by the knowledge that every NPC around you is just as big of a sociopathic maniac. A fact that only becomes more evident as the scenarios you find yourself in steadily grow increasingly outlandish, absurd, deranged, and unhinged as the in-game week goes on.
Not to mention, its approach to the open-world setting may be dated by modern standards, yet there's a retro charm to that simplicity and barrenness which solely serves to pull you in further. I noticed myself exploring the map, not because I had to find X number of doodads to turn into some umpteenth quest-giver or was chasing down another icon/marker, but rather due to genuine curiosity and pure enjoyment in doing so. I had a blast ignoring my main objectives and getting lost for hours in the various locations along the way, always being rewarded in the form of stuff such as amusingly silly visual gags, ridiculous Easter egg secrets, or new weapons that are hidden in every corner in very 'Murican fashion.
The best part is that they're basically giving this away these days. I picked up a Steam key from RWS’s own website for $2, and that version comes with a variety of expansions and quality of life improving mods already pre-installed that you can toggle on or off at your discretion. As a result, I can't help but recommend this, even if just to say you have had the Postal 2 experience for yourself. You really should too. Though the entertainment it offers is undeniably juvenile and highly inappropriate, the weird trash masterpiece status and strong cult following this has managed to achieve regardless (and continues to seemingly somehow grow) elevates it to being worthy of trying despite its fairly tasteless nature. Who knows? You may end up discovering a not-so-guilty pleasure in the process like I did.
9/10
What's allowed this satire of GWB era America to stand the test of time as a sort of pseudo-classic that people still play, replay, thoroughly enjoy, and talk about nearly 21 years later as of this writing isn't its ability to appeal to immature teenagers while simultaneously causing their authority figures to look pretty foolish for complaining about it, however. It's the absolute playground for childish mischief it provides. The vulgar/heinous acts you can commit and politically incorrect world they take place in are presented in a cartoonish, clearly tongue-in-cheek manner akin to something like South Park. What feelings of repulsion one could have in regards to the havoc they create is offset by the knowledge that every NPC around you is just as big of a sociopathic maniac. A fact that only becomes more evident as the scenarios you find yourself in steadily grow increasingly outlandish, absurd, deranged, and unhinged as the in-game week goes on.
Not to mention, its approach to the open-world setting may be dated by modern standards, yet there's a retro charm to that simplicity and barrenness which solely serves to pull you in further. I noticed myself exploring the map, not because I had to find X number of doodads to turn into some umpteenth quest-giver or was chasing down another icon/marker, but rather due to genuine curiosity and pure enjoyment in doing so. I had a blast ignoring my main objectives and getting lost for hours in the various locations along the way, always being rewarded in the form of stuff such as amusingly silly visual gags, ridiculous Easter egg secrets, or new weapons that are hidden in every corner in very 'Murican fashion.
The best part is that they're basically giving this away these days. I picked up a Steam key from RWS’s own website for $2, and that version comes with a variety of expansions and quality of life improving mods already pre-installed that you can toggle on or off at your discretion. As a result, I can't help but recommend this, even if just to say you have had the Postal 2 experience for yourself. You really should too. Though the entertainment it offers is undeniably juvenile and highly inappropriate, the weird trash masterpiece status and strong cult following this has managed to achieve regardless (and continues to seemingly somehow grow) elevates it to being worthy of trying despite its fairly tasteless nature. Who knows? You may end up discovering a not-so-guilty pleasure in the process like I did.
9/10
2024
I really wanted to enjoy Sony's vaguely lewdly titled spin on Splatoon. Was hoping all the negativity being spread around for it online was just the result of angry Nintendo fans getting peeved because there's now a cool new take on their once exclusive series out there for people with other consoles to enjoy, à la Palworld. Unfortunately, Foamstars is a genuinely baffling product with some seriously questionable design choices that I feel are going to make it hard for this to build an audience large enough to make its obvious inspiration even remotely nervous.
The game replaces the weird squid-children and ink with, well, foam and... influencers? The most unique thing it brings to the table is elements of your typical hero shooter, where instead of customizing loadouts to determine your playstyle you select from a group of characters at the start of each match with their own skills and abilities. Not a terrible idea. The problem is that it's difficult to fully relish using any of them when the core gunplay is so odd no matter who you go with. Most shoot in this bizarre arcing fashion usually used for throwing grenades pretty much everywhere else. This means you have to determine where your bubbly bullets are going to land in order to effectively hit someone, which can be tough to do in the heat of the moment causing the majority of firefights to devolve into everyone simply spraying and praying they land enough damage to open up opponents for the surfboard slide finishers. The ones who do shoot in a more traditional straight line tend to have significant range issues.
Slightly awkward gameplay isn't necessarily always a deal-breaker though. In fact, I'd say you're more likely to put this down over the general lack of content instead. There are only three match types right now. One of which, a twist on TDM with lives where the final kill has to be against the opposing team's top player, is constantly available while the other two cycle in and out on a confounding hourly rotation. Why the devs would choose to do this I have no idea, but it merely serves to make the offerings of an already fairly meager package feel even slimmer. There are single-player and co-op PvE missions where you defend generators from waves of pathetic enemies who strictly approach from a single direction and typically culminate in a marginally less pathetic boss battle. The latter does contain some value due to the fact that it can be pretty challenging on the hard difficulty setting, yet ultimately isn't enough to keep either inclusion from being altogether dull and entirely skippable.
It's also worth noting the former features super annoying writing to boot. All the dialogue is incredibly juvenile. I don't mean in a crass and crude sort of way, rather that it comes off as aimed at very young children. Quite at odds with the sexual designs of a few of its heroines. The voice acting delivering it might be the strangest part of this entire package. I'm not convinced about half of it isn't AI generated, because there can't seriously be a reality where they found this many individuals who read that unnaturally even on a first take.
Whether this being (currently) kind of, sort of, but not truly or always going to be "free" depends on how much you're bothered by the microtransactions. They are 100% optional and avoidable so there is NO pay-to-win bullcrap going on and therefore cause me to take zero issue with them. That being said, I will mention the price tags are ridiculous, with a lot of bundles costing nearly the same amount as a brand-new released game, and there's the usual irritating seasonal battle pass junk. The freemium mechanics don't stop there, however. In a downright borderline hilarious move, the perks-esque boost loadouts you can equip the roster with are inexplicably randomly generated by a gacha system, mercifully fueled by in-game currency rather than real-world cash. You can't make this stuff up and that may be the sole aspect more unbelievably peculiar than the voice-overs.
Despite everything I've talked about, the multiplayer can still be mindless fun in spurts thanks to the creative modes. At least when you're winning. My personal favorite sees teams split up into two groups, requiring both halves to coordinate while one is in the fight and the other provides support from outside of the arena. The designs of the current cast are also appropriately striking, eye-catching, and cool in spite of the storytelling portraying them as huge dorks. Originally, I was intending to stick around long enough to unlock the complete trophy list. With such a variety of better games out there these days, I simply can't justify wasting any more time on something this mediocre and flawed, or recommend it to anybody else. Certainly not when you have to start paying for it. Psssh, forget that! Square Enix needs to smarten up and backtrack on those plans IMMEDIATELY!
5/10
The game replaces the weird squid-children and ink with, well, foam and... influencers? The most unique thing it brings to the table is elements of your typical hero shooter, where instead of customizing loadouts to determine your playstyle you select from a group of characters at the start of each match with their own skills and abilities. Not a terrible idea. The problem is that it's difficult to fully relish using any of them when the core gunplay is so odd no matter who you go with. Most shoot in this bizarre arcing fashion usually used for throwing grenades pretty much everywhere else. This means you have to determine where your bubbly bullets are going to land in order to effectively hit someone, which can be tough to do in the heat of the moment causing the majority of firefights to devolve into everyone simply spraying and praying they land enough damage to open up opponents for the surfboard slide finishers. The ones who do shoot in a more traditional straight line tend to have significant range issues.
Slightly awkward gameplay isn't necessarily always a deal-breaker though. In fact, I'd say you're more likely to put this down over the general lack of content instead. There are only three match types right now. One of which, a twist on TDM with lives where the final kill has to be against the opposing team's top player, is constantly available while the other two cycle in and out on a confounding hourly rotation. Why the devs would choose to do this I have no idea, but it merely serves to make the offerings of an already fairly meager package feel even slimmer. There are single-player and co-op PvE missions where you defend generators from waves of pathetic enemies who strictly approach from a single direction and typically culminate in a marginally less pathetic boss battle. The latter does contain some value due to the fact that it can be pretty challenging on the hard difficulty setting, yet ultimately isn't enough to keep either inclusion from being altogether dull and entirely skippable.
It's also worth noting the former features super annoying writing to boot. All the dialogue is incredibly juvenile. I don't mean in a crass and crude sort of way, rather that it comes off as aimed at very young children. Quite at odds with the sexual designs of a few of its heroines. The voice acting delivering it might be the strangest part of this entire package. I'm not convinced about half of it isn't AI generated, because there can't seriously be a reality where they found this many individuals who read that unnaturally even on a first take.
Whether this being (currently) kind of, sort of, but not truly or always going to be "free" depends on how much you're bothered by the microtransactions. They are 100% optional and avoidable so there is NO pay-to-win bullcrap going on and therefore cause me to take zero issue with them. That being said, I will mention the price tags are ridiculous, with a lot of bundles costing nearly the same amount as a brand-new released game, and there's the usual irritating seasonal battle pass junk. The freemium mechanics don't stop there, however. In a downright borderline hilarious move, the perks-esque boost loadouts you can equip the roster with are inexplicably randomly generated by a gacha system, mercifully fueled by in-game currency rather than real-world cash. You can't make this stuff up and that may be the sole aspect more unbelievably peculiar than the voice-overs.
Despite everything I've talked about, the multiplayer can still be mindless fun in spurts thanks to the creative modes. At least when you're winning. My personal favorite sees teams split up into two groups, requiring both halves to coordinate while one is in the fight and the other provides support from outside of the arena. The designs of the current cast are also appropriately striking, eye-catching, and cool in spite of the storytelling portraying them as huge dorks. Originally, I was intending to stick around long enough to unlock the complete trophy list. With such a variety of better games out there these days, I simply can't justify wasting any more time on something this mediocre and flawed, or recommend it to anybody else. Certainly not when you have to start paying for it. Psssh, forget that! Square Enix needs to smarten up and backtrack on those plans IMMEDIATELY!
5/10
It’s official. Silent Hill is no longer the name of a franchise set in or dealing with the dark history of an eponymous fictional town in Maine, left forever tainted by the twisted machinations of a cult and where sinners and the damaged alike find themselves drawn to face judgement for their actions or potential healing for their deep-seated emotional wounds respectively. It's now a label Konami can throw on any horror project that deals with themes of trauma, grotesque monsters, and an otherworld concept for brand recognition. Gone is the connective tissue of location and lore that previously unified the games together. A similar visual style is really all that remains.
The Short Message isn't the outing that revealed this to me. It was a suspicion I had as soon as titles like “f” were announced, and had been already confirmed for me ahead of time with the launch of the shameful Ascension which I abandoned keeping up with near the start of 2024 as a form of mercy for myself. I'm not going to lie, that's been a tough pill to swallow as a longtime fan. Yet, I did my best to go into this with an open mind though, knowing full well from what little blurbs I had seen online (I've actually avoided reading a lot of your reviews beforehand to remain as blind and uninfluenced as possible) that this was going to most likely be an experience tailored towards attracting and pandering to a new, more modern audience. That's exactly what I got.
Naturally, as a result I hated this at first. The inexplicit symbolism that defined its predecessors has been stripped away entirely in favor of blunt, in-your-face storytelling perfectly suited for this artless influencer era where everyone gets their opinions from whatever rich internet personality is tactlessly screaming the loudest, and the dialogue is the exact type of obliviously pretentious drivel one would expect from your average wannabe intellectual teenager or college-aged Twitter (X?) addict. It's almost completely devoid of real depth and seems painfully unaware that nothing it's speaking on hasn't been covered elsewhere, and better there.
That's devastating. Genuinely hurts to witness. Miraculously a strange thing happens around its second of three chapters, however. The writers suddenly stop beating you over the head quite as hard with the subject matter (the amount of times the number for the suicide prevention hotline is thrown onscreen...) and begin letting each character's pain speak for itself. Meanwhile a big plot revelation divulges how the protagonist is as much of a perpetrator as she is a victim, in the same vein as the James Sunderlands and Murphy Pendletons prior. The tale shockingly finds its groove and gains a trace of that previously sorely missing complexity, even if only in part because its topics are sure to strike a chord with anyone ever negatively impacted by the rise of social media (so basically just about everyone) or wasn't the most popular in high school. There's even a nice, if ultimately highly flawed, stab taken at exploring the concept of generational curses. As someone who was afflicted by many of the same things as the leading lady for years, that ending certainly tugged on the heartstrings as well.
The gameplay side of the package also suffers from feeling a tad too overly simplistic due to the demographic being pursued here, albeit to a slightly higher degree. TSM's whole concept seems to be "what if P.T., but it's not a puzzle?" You progress through its looping scenario and setting in a very linear, directed manner with no room to mess up or ponder over what to do since whatever you need to collect or interact with next is always clearly defined with a visible icon on the screen. This would almost be a straight "walking simulator" were it not for the chase sequences, survival-horror's current favorite trend that it's been stuck on for a while now thanks to Amnesia. These moments can definitely be intense, but cause the package to run into the same problem as Shattered Memories where despite the fantastic atmosphere and occasional well done jump scare it's not long before any sense of fear quickly dissipates from most of the runtime because you become fully aware of when you're truly in danger or not. Still, I found myself fairly entertained regardless and genuinely think that last sprint through the larger maze area is pretty dang good at getting the heart racing.
And the end of the day, yes this is undeniably a dumbed-down version of the beloved property. If you don't like it, well that's probably because it's not meant for you. This is Silent Hill aimed at a new, younger generation. A crowd that, let's be honest, has been programmed to require all their information and successes be spoon-fed to them. That being said, maybe it's the fact that this is a totally free experience (that got a cool stealth release) or simply because I'm not that far removed from the market they were shooting for, but if this IS the future of the series then I'm onboard. Although somewhat begrudgingly. In spite of my initial misgivings, Short Message ultimately won me over by the strength of its affecting, if severely ham-fisted narrative and competent action/scares. I can't wait to find out if all that stuff with the cherry blossoms ties into “f” in an interesting way either. So in conclusion, against the odds this brief glimpse into what's next for my personal favorite staple in the genre has left me thinking the kids might be alright in the end.
7.5/10
The Short Message isn't the outing that revealed this to me. It was a suspicion I had as soon as titles like “f” were announced, and had been already confirmed for me ahead of time with the launch of the shameful Ascension which I abandoned keeping up with near the start of 2024 as a form of mercy for myself. I'm not going to lie, that's been a tough pill to swallow as a longtime fan. Yet, I did my best to go into this with an open mind though, knowing full well from what little blurbs I had seen online (I've actually avoided reading a lot of your reviews beforehand to remain as blind and uninfluenced as possible) that this was going to most likely be an experience tailored towards attracting and pandering to a new, more modern audience. That's exactly what I got.
Naturally, as a result I hated this at first. The inexplicit symbolism that defined its predecessors has been stripped away entirely in favor of blunt, in-your-face storytelling perfectly suited for this artless influencer era where everyone gets their opinions from whatever rich internet personality is tactlessly screaming the loudest, and the dialogue is the exact type of obliviously pretentious drivel one would expect from your average wannabe intellectual teenager or college-aged Twitter (X?) addict. It's almost completely devoid of real depth and seems painfully unaware that nothing it's speaking on hasn't been covered elsewhere, and better there.
That's devastating. Genuinely hurts to witness. Miraculously a strange thing happens around its second of three chapters, however. The writers suddenly stop beating you over the head quite as hard with the subject matter (the amount of times the number for the suicide prevention hotline is thrown onscreen...) and begin letting each character's pain speak for itself. Meanwhile a big plot revelation divulges how the protagonist is as much of a perpetrator as she is a victim, in the same vein as the James Sunderlands and Murphy Pendletons prior. The tale shockingly finds its groove and gains a trace of that previously sorely missing complexity, even if only in part because its topics are sure to strike a chord with anyone ever negatively impacted by the rise of social media (so basically just about everyone) or wasn't the most popular in high school. There's even a nice, if ultimately highly flawed, stab taken at exploring the concept of generational curses. As someone who was afflicted by many of the same things as the leading lady for years, that ending certainly tugged on the heartstrings as well.
The gameplay side of the package also suffers from feeling a tad too overly simplistic due to the demographic being pursued here, albeit to a slightly higher degree. TSM's whole concept seems to be "what if P.T., but it's not a puzzle?" You progress through its looping scenario and setting in a very linear, directed manner with no room to mess up or ponder over what to do since whatever you need to collect or interact with next is always clearly defined with a visible icon on the screen. This would almost be a straight "walking simulator" were it not for the chase sequences, survival-horror's current favorite trend that it's been stuck on for a while now thanks to Amnesia. These moments can definitely be intense, but cause the package to run into the same problem as Shattered Memories where despite the fantastic atmosphere and occasional well done jump scare it's not long before any sense of fear quickly dissipates from most of the runtime because you become fully aware of when you're truly in danger or not. Still, I found myself fairly entertained regardless and genuinely think that last sprint through the larger maze area is pretty dang good at getting the heart racing.
And the end of the day, yes this is undeniably a dumbed-down version of the beloved property. If you don't like it, well that's probably because it's not meant for you. This is Silent Hill aimed at a new, younger generation. A crowd that, let's be honest, has been programmed to require all their information and successes be spoon-fed to them. That being said, maybe it's the fact that this is a totally free experience (that got a cool stealth release) or simply because I'm not that far removed from the market they were shooting for, but if this IS the future of the series then I'm onboard. Although somewhat begrudgingly. In spite of my initial misgivings, Short Message ultimately won me over by the strength of its affecting, if severely ham-fisted narrative and competent action/scares. I can't wait to find out if all that stuff with the cherry blossoms ties into “f” in an interesting way either. So in conclusion, against the odds this brief glimpse into what's next for my personal favorite staple in the genre has left me thinking the kids might be alright in the end.
7.5/10
Who would've thought 2023 would be the year crappy licensed games made a comeback. What is it with the Walking Dead ones based on the show being so much worse than the efforts set in the world of its source material anyways? Think about it, the comic book has gotten stuff like the Telltale adventures and Saints & Sinners, while its AMC offspring is responsible for spawning dreck such as Survival Instinct, the underwhelming Onslaught, and now this. A shame because the ideas behind them have usually been pretty good. I mean, a prequel road-trip FPS with an emphasis on stealth and scavenging for supplies starring fan-favorite Daryl Dixon? That should have been an easy "yes please!" back in 2013. Destinies might arguably have the best concept of any of them to date, which only makes it all the more disheartening to say that from nearly every other standpoint it may easily be the worst of the bunch.
The ability to alter the events of the television series to explore various "what if?" scenarios every viewer has likely had bouncing around in their head at some point or another is a heck of a hook. As a huge sucker for player-driven choice-and-consequence in my gaming narratives it was more than an enticing enough prospect for me to ignore the incredibly negative reception this has received and try it out for myself. While it is cool to see things like Shane callously abandon someone who's life Rick saved should you pick him as your leader instead, unfortunately due to the complete lack of any exploration into how your decisions affect the individual members of your group or their overall dynamic this is about the caliber of bad fan fiction being performed by hilariously inept impersonators. You can literally have one of the franchise's two biggest villains join your team and nobody will say a word about it. Not to mention there are some shocking character omissions. Among the biggest questions I've always had is what would have happened if Andrea had died instead of her sister Amy, yet neither of them are present here. Also, no Tyreese and Sasha? The ball is dropped so hard with the storytelling thanks to these deficiencies that you almost can't help but feel a little sorry for the handful of original cast members who returned to reprise their roles.
Now, the package's big, core selling point coming off as so half-baked is certainly a letdown, but what really drags it into truly loathsome territory is the actual moment-to-moment gameplay. The devs tried to give you some freedom on this front by granting you the option to either approach situations stealthily or aggressively as you see fit. They even put a genuinely good and clever unique spin on the title's RPG-esque skill tree where the perks you have access to are determined by who is in your band of survivors. Meaning that if someone dies as result of what outcome you select at critical story junctions before you invested in them, then the boosts and abilities they brought to the table are locked off from you entirely from that point on during that playthrough. The praise sadly stops there however, since flaws including (but nowhere near limited to) the boring tiny and linear level design, braindead AI, and super jank, awkward combat suck any fun there otherwise could have been out of the experience completely.
For starters, unless you're playing on easy, which lowers the challenge so much the whole campaign becomes a ridiculously broken joke, there's no logical reason to ever go into situations guns a'blazing and melee weapons swinging because the only way the undead can harm you is by grabbing. Zombies latching and holding onto the player is not an uncommon mechanic, but it's usually used fairly sparingly. In this particular instance though you can expect your attacks and forward progression to be regularly halted roughly every two seconds as you're forced to tediously button mash yourself free from hordes of decaying flesh if you don't stick exclusively to sneaking. A process that quickly drains your health, usually putting you into an annoying "broken state" of either panic or rage that culminates in a crippling detrimental status effect that requires the use of special execution moves to get rid of. Human enemies spice up the action a bit by providing foes who will shoot back at you, but they are somehow even denser than their reanimated counterparts. At least items are littered around in abundance so it's never hard. Doesn't keep the action from being aggravating and tragically the sole diversion to break up the monotony is the occasional dull block-pushing puzzle. Oh yeah, I haven't even talked about the litany of technical problems yet, which consist of terrible graphics, achievements that inexplicably won't unlock on certain difficulties, bugs, glitches, the majority of cutscenes lacking animation, and exiting loading screens to find yourself swarmed by walkers or that half the cinematic has already started playing.
If you share a mind similar to mine, you're probably left wondering how a title that had the potential to be and seriously should have been a massive hit turned out to be something more akin to a dumpster fire. The answer is quite simply GameMill. Look, I know the internet loves to blame the publisher every time a game doesn't turn out great, e.g. EA getting blamed for Bioware’s laziness and own internal mismanagement, but I think the evidence is pretty blatantly on my side in this case. They are the company responsible for putting out the infamous Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing after all, and Destinies itself was their third(!!!) critically panned disaster tied to a high-profile property that year alone. If this was made under the same brutal time and budgetary constraints as Skull Island: Rise of Kong, something I’d wager was more than likely, then I believe developer Flux deserves a pass for these results. The small Brazilian studio did the best they possibly could have given the circumstances. A shame, because seeing such an excellent vision for a TWD game go to waste this way kind of hurts. I would love for the premise to be revisited someday with its full range of wonderful possibilities capitalized on, and for other great shows to receive the same treatment. The mere thought causes the imagination to run wild. Until that ever happens, I guess I'll just have to deal with the pain of knowing this first attempt was utterly squandered.
4/10
The ability to alter the events of the television series to explore various "what if?" scenarios every viewer has likely had bouncing around in their head at some point or another is a heck of a hook. As a huge sucker for player-driven choice-and-consequence in my gaming narratives it was more than an enticing enough prospect for me to ignore the incredibly negative reception this has received and try it out for myself. While it is cool to see things like Shane callously abandon someone who's life Rick saved should you pick him as your leader instead, unfortunately due to the complete lack of any exploration into how your decisions affect the individual members of your group or their overall dynamic this is about the caliber of bad fan fiction being performed by hilariously inept impersonators. You can literally have one of the franchise's two biggest villains join your team and nobody will say a word about it. Not to mention there are some shocking character omissions. Among the biggest questions I've always had is what would have happened if Andrea had died instead of her sister Amy, yet neither of them are present here. Also, no Tyreese and Sasha? The ball is dropped so hard with the storytelling thanks to these deficiencies that you almost can't help but feel a little sorry for the handful of original cast members who returned to reprise their roles.
Now, the package's big, core selling point coming off as so half-baked is certainly a letdown, but what really drags it into truly loathsome territory is the actual moment-to-moment gameplay. The devs tried to give you some freedom on this front by granting you the option to either approach situations stealthily or aggressively as you see fit. They even put a genuinely good and clever unique spin on the title's RPG-esque skill tree where the perks you have access to are determined by who is in your band of survivors. Meaning that if someone dies as result of what outcome you select at critical story junctions before you invested in them, then the boosts and abilities they brought to the table are locked off from you entirely from that point on during that playthrough. The praise sadly stops there however, since flaws including (but nowhere near limited to) the boring tiny and linear level design, braindead AI, and super jank, awkward combat suck any fun there otherwise could have been out of the experience completely.
For starters, unless you're playing on easy, which lowers the challenge so much the whole campaign becomes a ridiculously broken joke, there's no logical reason to ever go into situations guns a'blazing and melee weapons swinging because the only way the undead can harm you is by grabbing. Zombies latching and holding onto the player is not an uncommon mechanic, but it's usually used fairly sparingly. In this particular instance though you can expect your attacks and forward progression to be regularly halted roughly every two seconds as you're forced to tediously button mash yourself free from hordes of decaying flesh if you don't stick exclusively to sneaking. A process that quickly drains your health, usually putting you into an annoying "broken state" of either panic or rage that culminates in a crippling detrimental status effect that requires the use of special execution moves to get rid of. Human enemies spice up the action a bit by providing foes who will shoot back at you, but they are somehow even denser than their reanimated counterparts. At least items are littered around in abundance so it's never hard. Doesn't keep the action from being aggravating and tragically the sole diversion to break up the monotony is the occasional dull block-pushing puzzle. Oh yeah, I haven't even talked about the litany of technical problems yet, which consist of terrible graphics, achievements that inexplicably won't unlock on certain difficulties, bugs, glitches, the majority of cutscenes lacking animation, and exiting loading screens to find yourself swarmed by walkers or that half the cinematic has already started playing.
If you share a mind similar to mine, you're probably left wondering how a title that had the potential to be and seriously should have been a massive hit turned out to be something more akin to a dumpster fire. The answer is quite simply GameMill. Look, I know the internet loves to blame the publisher every time a game doesn't turn out great, e.g. EA getting blamed for Bioware’s laziness and own internal mismanagement, but I think the evidence is pretty blatantly on my side in this case. They are the company responsible for putting out the infamous Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing after all, and Destinies itself was their third(!!!) critically panned disaster tied to a high-profile property that year alone. If this was made under the same brutal time and budgetary constraints as Skull Island: Rise of Kong, something I’d wager was more than likely, then I believe developer Flux deserves a pass for these results. The small Brazilian studio did the best they possibly could have given the circumstances. A shame, because seeing such an excellent vision for a TWD game go to waste this way kind of hurts. I would love for the premise to be revisited someday with its full range of wonderful possibilities capitalized on, and for other great shows to receive the same treatment. The mere thought causes the imagination to run wild. Until that ever happens, I guess I'll just have to deal with the pain of knowing this first attempt was utterly squandered.
4/10
2024
Silly little time-waster browser game I could see kids playing while stuck in computer lab or something. It's not the most exciting experience in the world from a gameplay standpoint as all you're doing is just dragging little boxes of text on top of each other to see what new words the AI systems running in the background will concoct as you do. So instead, the amusement comes from seeing exactly what kind of crazy things you can "create" for a cheap laugh with your dumb friends, and maybe the serotonin of the game congratulating you on being the first person to uncover some crazy new combination.
While personally none of that is enough to ever bring me back again for more, I can definitely still see this being super addictive for the right person. Plus, it is legitimately impressive the massive library of objects, creatures, concepts, celebrity names, fictional entities, and much more you can amass from the mere four classical elements you start off with. The fact that there's a mobile-friendly version of the site so that you can play on your phone whenever you have internet access, although not the ideal method due to the amount of scrolling you'll eventually have to do, is also a nice touch. All in all, not quite for me, but I think this succeeds pretty well at everything it sets out to do and is reasonably commendable regardless as a result.
7/10
While personally none of that is enough to ever bring me back again for more, I can definitely still see this being super addictive for the right person. Plus, it is legitimately impressive the massive library of objects, creatures, concepts, celebrity names, fictional entities, and much more you can amass from the mere four classical elements you start off with. The fact that there's a mobile-friendly version of the site so that you can play on your phone whenever you have internet access, although not the ideal method due to the amount of scrolling you'll eventually have to do, is also a nice touch. All in all, not quite for me, but I think this succeeds pretty well at everything it sets out to do and is reasonably commendable regardless as a result.
7/10
2010
In a way this was almost a tough one to rate. It’s such a pitiful wad of nothing that it's hard to get genuinely offended by it, but at the same time doesn't deserve a score high enough to make people think it's more mediocre than it is tragically pathetic. With its isometric perspective a first glance will give you the impression that this is a throwback to the original 1997 title which started it all. That may have sort of been the intent, but the gameplay loop is entirely different. Rather than massacring everyone onscreen you're instead trekking to some point on the map, clicking through mundane dialogue boxes (I think the writing is trying to be funny and/or satirical, but misses both marks by a mile) once you get there, and then usually shooting the NPC you just got done talking to. Repeat ad nauseam for a brief handful of levels and with all the speed of a PowerPoint slideshow presentation.
To be clear, you CAN go on a rampaging killing spree in any of the fairly open and sizeable environments whenever you want. Cops will even spawn in to give you someone to fight back against. There's just absolutely no reason to do so other than I guess getting a higher score at the end of the stage (whoop-de-freaking-doo). Still, I could see that providing some mindless distraction while sitting in a waiting room or something, were it not for how bad the combat is. All you do is move forward until a green box indicating you've locked onto something appears and hold the fire key until it falls down or limply explodes. It's simplistic to an unexciting fault. Did I mention the only sound you'll hear is a single grating track played constantly on loop?
This is especially unacceptable and embarrassing for the developer when you consider that it came out back in 2010. Yeah, the year we got stuff like Spider-Man: Total Mayhem. I get that it's more than a little unfair to compare a Java game to one that came out on iPhone and Android, yet even on the J2ME scene there was a fully 3D Quake spin-off released around the same time. It wasn't exactly great either (an FPS on a keypad? No thank you!), but at least that was impressive for what it attempted given the technology. Postal's second outing on cellphones is a lifeless, dull, and ultimately empty experience not really worthy of so much as passing curiosity from the fanbase, however. The sole trace of depth comes in the form of the perks and guns that unlock as you go, which you can use to create your own loadout before each chapter. With that being a basically pointless feature though considering how little you do across the minuscule campaign I feel like at the end of the day even the mobile version of Metal Gear: Acid had more going on than this.
4.9/10
To be clear, you CAN go on a rampaging killing spree in any of the fairly open and sizeable environments whenever you want. Cops will even spawn in to give you someone to fight back against. There's just absolutely no reason to do so other than I guess getting a higher score at the end of the stage (whoop-de-freaking-doo). Still, I could see that providing some mindless distraction while sitting in a waiting room or something, were it not for how bad the combat is. All you do is move forward until a green box indicating you've locked onto something appears and hold the fire key until it falls down or limply explodes. It's simplistic to an unexciting fault. Did I mention the only sound you'll hear is a single grating track played constantly on loop?
This is especially unacceptable and embarrassing for the developer when you consider that it came out back in 2010. Yeah, the year we got stuff like Spider-Man: Total Mayhem. I get that it's more than a little unfair to compare a Java game to one that came out on iPhone and Android, yet even on the J2ME scene there was a fully 3D Quake spin-off released around the same time. It wasn't exactly great either (an FPS on a keypad? No thank you!), but at least that was impressive for what it attempted given the technology. Postal's second outing on cellphones is a lifeless, dull, and ultimately empty experience not really worthy of so much as passing curiosity from the fanbase, however. The sole trace of depth comes in the form of the perks and guns that unlock as you go, which you can use to create your own loadout before each chapter. With that being a basically pointless feature though considering how little you do across the minuscule campaign I feel like at the end of the day even the mobile version of Metal Gear: Acid had more going on than this.
4.9/10
The best 2D Prince of Persia, and it's not close. The franchise’s first entry in roughly 14 years, save for a few mobile titles in between, goes the Metroidvania route. Let me tell you, it does a far better job of it than the previous attempt did. This is also the first installment to really take Warrior Within's concept of giving players a big, interconnected world to explore and fully run with it. The results are absolutely phenomenal.
Mount Qaf is an immediately enchanting place packed with a plethora of different biomes and interior settings, each featuring their own unique quirks such as staircases that change orientation depending on which way you're facing or rivers of poisonous sludge that will have you playing a toxiphobic version of the floor is lava, that I OBSESSED over exploring every inch of with the same verve I do when gradually taking all trailheads at new hiking spots I come across in real life. It's something that I was always rewarded for too in the form of treasures I could use to make myself more powerful, and because of that it is highly recommended you take the time to do so as well.
From platforming challenges that practically demand perfection to borderline Soulsborne caliber boss battles, the map is positively brimming with danger. Often the smartest decision you can make is to regularly hold off on your primary objective to check out all the new side-paths and quests that open up upon receiving the next experience-redefining ability in order to find stuff that will allow you to become stronger. A prospect that's made easier than ever thanks to the game-changing for the genre inclusion of being able to snap a picture of (or just place an icon next to) whatever obstacle or puzzle you don't know how to get past yet on the map to give you a reminder to come back to it later. I'm sure there are those who will take issue with this feature by viewing it as the devs cheapening the adventure by catering to the "casuals," but players are limited in the amount they can place down at one time and it's totally optional whether you use this or not.
There are actually a lot of options that allow you to customize the difficulty to your liking, be it going for a more guided structure with markers pointing you to the subsequent story mission or stripping back any info on where you're supposed to go next entirely to so much else. Everything right down to how tough regular enemies are can be tailored to make the package as accessible, hardcore, or immersive as you want it to be. It's similar to what we saw in Ubisoft's recent Avatar game, and is an approach to how they now design their products that I feel the company isn't being given enough (or truly any) credit for.
You have the same amount of flexibility when it comes to determining your playstyle as well thanks to the amulet system. These upgradable trinkets afford a near RPG level of depth to crafting your own build. I have a buddy who went for a nimble ranged warrior that could slow down time to line up the perfect shot and would punish foes foolish enough to get in close by dealing swift, painful retribution with every dodge. Far cleverer than the almost pure melee tank I opted for with its high damage resistance and output alongside the increased capability to charge special attacks with each sword swipe and well-timed parry, but as a dude who loves to be right up in the action, I wouldn't have traded it for the world.
What makes everything I've just talked about so fantastic is the nigh immaculate core platforming and combat mechanics at the heart of it all. You can clearly see the touches of Super Meat Boy in the former, but the manner in which you'll be regularly required to chain together the various midair dashes, double jumps, and phases through realities without touching the ground undeniably calls to mind the massively underrated Forgotten Sands. The sheer seamlessness with which you can do this on the fly is astounding, removing much of the frustration that would otherwise occur from repeated failures at the especially Herculean sequences you'll encounter. Fights feel mostly fantastic and provide a consistent healthy test of your skills. I had to get used to parrying slightly before when felt most natural due to the physically lengthier triggers on the Xbox controller taking a split second longer to fully pull inwards than PlayStation's or tapping a key on a keyboard in comparison. Also screw the occasional unavoidable boss attack, those flying ghost enemies you can't effectively deal with until the late-game, and the entirety of the brief Raging Sea area. Yet, despite these petty complaints the act of toppling Persia's massive deities and mightiest heroes is so immensely gratifying that my minor quibbles honestly don't matter.
Legitimately the only aspect of The Lost Crown I actively didn't enjoy was the plot. It's not bad, just runs into the same problem as the 2008 reboot where I didn't care enough about anyone onscreen (except Fariba) to become invested in what they were doing in the cutscenes. There's also some weird cultural appropriation thing going on. The main character is sporting the Killmonger haircut, Neith is obviously a black woman, Menolias wouldn't look out of place in Disney's old animated Mulan movie, and Queen Thomyris looks suspiciously Caucasian with that makeup. I get diversity is important, I simply find it weird there are so few people who seriously appear Persian in a game called Prince of Persia. I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised however, since the French have been a little backwards in this department for a minute now (relax, half my DNA is French so I can say that).
It's crazy to think that 2024 has basically just started and we already have an early contender for GOTY. I would recommend this as strongly to those unfamiliar with the genre as I would its seasoned veterans. It made transitioning to a more demanding style of gameplay than I traditionally go for painless to the degree that I went and unlocked every achievement. In the spirit of complete transparency, I will admit that I would have preferred another 3D outing as I would still take the Sands titles over this any day, even the Forgotten one, but if this is the direction they're intent on going you will hear no grumbling from me.
9/10
Mount Qaf is an immediately enchanting place packed with a plethora of different biomes and interior settings, each featuring their own unique quirks such as staircases that change orientation depending on which way you're facing or rivers of poisonous sludge that will have you playing a toxiphobic version of the floor is lava, that I OBSESSED over exploring every inch of with the same verve I do when gradually taking all trailheads at new hiking spots I come across in real life. It's something that I was always rewarded for too in the form of treasures I could use to make myself more powerful, and because of that it is highly recommended you take the time to do so as well.
From platforming challenges that practically demand perfection to borderline Soulsborne caliber boss battles, the map is positively brimming with danger. Often the smartest decision you can make is to regularly hold off on your primary objective to check out all the new side-paths and quests that open up upon receiving the next experience-redefining ability in order to find stuff that will allow you to become stronger. A prospect that's made easier than ever thanks to the game-changing for the genre inclusion of being able to snap a picture of (or just place an icon next to) whatever obstacle or puzzle you don't know how to get past yet on the map to give you a reminder to come back to it later. I'm sure there are those who will take issue with this feature by viewing it as the devs cheapening the adventure by catering to the "casuals," but players are limited in the amount they can place down at one time and it's totally optional whether you use this or not.
There are actually a lot of options that allow you to customize the difficulty to your liking, be it going for a more guided structure with markers pointing you to the subsequent story mission or stripping back any info on where you're supposed to go next entirely to so much else. Everything right down to how tough regular enemies are can be tailored to make the package as accessible, hardcore, or immersive as you want it to be. It's similar to what we saw in Ubisoft's recent Avatar game, and is an approach to how they now design their products that I feel the company isn't being given enough (or truly any) credit for.
You have the same amount of flexibility when it comes to determining your playstyle as well thanks to the amulet system. These upgradable trinkets afford a near RPG level of depth to crafting your own build. I have a buddy who went for a nimble ranged warrior that could slow down time to line up the perfect shot and would punish foes foolish enough to get in close by dealing swift, painful retribution with every dodge. Far cleverer than the almost pure melee tank I opted for with its high damage resistance and output alongside the increased capability to charge special attacks with each sword swipe and well-timed parry, but as a dude who loves to be right up in the action, I wouldn't have traded it for the world.
What makes everything I've just talked about so fantastic is the nigh immaculate core platforming and combat mechanics at the heart of it all. You can clearly see the touches of Super Meat Boy in the former, but the manner in which you'll be regularly required to chain together the various midair dashes, double jumps, and phases through realities without touching the ground undeniably calls to mind the massively underrated Forgotten Sands. The sheer seamlessness with which you can do this on the fly is astounding, removing much of the frustration that would otherwise occur from repeated failures at the especially Herculean sequences you'll encounter. Fights feel mostly fantastic and provide a consistent healthy test of your skills. I had to get used to parrying slightly before when felt most natural due to the physically lengthier triggers on the Xbox controller taking a split second longer to fully pull inwards than PlayStation's or tapping a key on a keyboard in comparison. Also screw the occasional unavoidable boss attack, those flying ghost enemies you can't effectively deal with until the late-game, and the entirety of the brief Raging Sea area. Yet, despite these petty complaints the act of toppling Persia's massive deities and mightiest heroes is so immensely gratifying that my minor quibbles honestly don't matter.
Legitimately the only aspect of The Lost Crown I actively didn't enjoy was the plot. It's not bad, just runs into the same problem as the 2008 reboot where I didn't care enough about anyone onscreen (except Fariba) to become invested in what they were doing in the cutscenes. There's also some weird cultural appropriation thing going on. The main character is sporting the Killmonger haircut, Neith is obviously a black woman, Menolias wouldn't look out of place in Disney's old animated Mulan movie, and Queen Thomyris looks suspiciously Caucasian with that makeup. I get diversity is important, I simply find it weird there are so few people who seriously appear Persian in a game called Prince of Persia. I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised however, since the French have been a little backwards in this department for a minute now (relax, half my DNA is French so I can say that).
It's crazy to think that 2024 has basically just started and we already have an early contender for GOTY. I would recommend this as strongly to those unfamiliar with the genre as I would its seasoned veterans. It made transitioning to a more demanding style of gameplay than I traditionally go for painless to the degree that I went and unlocked every achievement. In the spirit of complete transparency, I will admit that I would have preferred another 3D outing as I would still take the Sands titles over this any day, even the Forgotten one, but if this is the direction they're intent on going you will hear no grumbling from me.
9/10