Introduction:
Hello, you may be wondering why my review is uncharacteristically long for myself. That's because I played this game growing up, it's weird because for the longest time it felt my brain was keeping it on the down low, like it's some kind of dirty secret that I'm not allowed to remember. It wasn't until I found out later that this game is apparently uber popular on the site. It seriously took me by surprise, but recently I decided to play this again and just now made a real effort to beat it. Despite how absurdly short it is, it obviously wasn't easy. But hey, it did eventually happen.
Act I: Uh Oh
We begin play and right away Taz is being chased by a large ball of shit that kills him in one hit, it's always great to have zero time to get used to the game's controls and horrifically choppy scrolling. Your ability to spin and get away from this thing is tied to your health meter for some dickbrained reason, and you have to constantly restore it by picking up fried chicken and bottles of some sort of fluid that I'm not taking any guesses as to what it is. Just like in the dumbass Genesis version of this game you can accidentally destroy items with your spin though, so be fucking careful. I think you can miss like one or two maybe, but it's also worth note there seems to be a nice case of rng here where sometimes a rat bastard will throw a rock on your head as you're trying to pick up a chicken/fluid bottle.
After all this chasing what are you expected to do? You come across a cliff and just take your death right? Wishful thinking, but nope. Leap of faith. Remember that for later.
Act II: Minecart Madness Part 0
We're only two stages deep and the game is already mocking me with it's repeated high-pitched notes and trying to bamboozle me with a minecart maze. The joke's on it though, because I already know how to get past this thing. Out of everything I can actually remember about this damn game it's this, everything else past a certain point is basically a memory that was sealed away never to be heard from again. Probably for good reason.
The most humorous thing about this stage is making the minecart spring upwards and smash Taz's body into the low-hanging ceilings of one of the shafts, obliterating all of his bones and rendering him completely paralyzed for life. That'll fuckin' teach him.
Act III: 1080 Coolboarder
Taz makes his way out of the mine and decides to start snowboarding on a tree branch, all while sporting the most despaired look he could possibly give. He's well aware he put himself into this situation right? He should know what he signed up for.
I love that they decided to give you a choice of path here. Want the bottom path with pits you can fall in, or the top path with at least one more place where you're guaranteed to take damage? Everyone on the task of making this game was hopped on at least four forms of hard drugs. It doesn't matter because this shit is easy, especially compared to the hell that awaits us.
Act IV: Hell Hath Frozen Over
This right here destroyed me for ages as a kid. The most hateful shit of all time, meanwhile the fucking game is constantly slurring at me in the form of 8-bit shrieks. Repeated shoutings of archaic terms meant for bundles of sticks being spat at me by this demented and evil game in an attempt to trip me up while trying to contend with Taz's absolutely abominable jumping. You can spin during this shit to speed up and get through the penguins, but what's even the point when both things do damage to you?
The worst part about this section is that it feels like it takes an eternity especially after how short the last one was, like I dunno what's going on but it feels like time forgot about this part. It doesn't help that I died the most to it. Even more insulting when I found out later you could spin out of being frozen as an ice cube.
Act V: Absolutely Abominable
After getting through all that homophobic shit, what could possibly be next? Oh, why a boss fight of course! It's that guy who wanted to hug and squeeze Daffy Duck that one time. Why does he want to kill Taz? How the fuck do you even kill this guy? The answer confounded me for ages, but the answer is to...jump and spin towards the icicles to make flames shoot out of the ground?!?!?!
...?!?!
...????????????????????????????????????????
Act VI: Flight of The Devil
God, tapping the button to keep flight? At this point my brain has astral projected itself elsewhere and I've checked out from this shit. Why do the piss clouds that you're supposed to get to and refill your energy make the rudest ringing noise? This game's bad manners bewilder me.
I think I died to this stage back in the day because I didn't realize the piss clouds restored my life, it was probably due to the damn ringing which doesn't sound like a good sound. Seriously, what were they thinking?
Act VII: LOG
At this point I'm kinda just sitting here wondering what is going on with the difficulty curve of this game. The ice stage completely obliterated the shit out of me, and the boss afterwards was basically a brick wall with "FUCK YOU" written on it. Afterwards everything so far now has just been incredibly easy, just ride the log. That's all you gotta do. It's so easy, but god forbid the music doesn't let up for at least a second on it's excessive molesting of a tiger electronic game to assault my dwindling consciousness.
Oh stupid me, I forgot my brain astral projected earlier. What is even going on anymore? Who are you? shot by sudden arrows from offscreen
Fuck you bow and arrow person.
Act VIII: Thy Brain Cells Consumed
Um, wow. An actual stage I can just move around in?! With no autoscrolling or thing to force me to move?! I dunno what to think, I'm lost. What can I do without some sort of guidance?!?!
I actually was kinda confused by this stage for a hot second, but then I just went up and up. It's funny too, because once you finally have free reign over movement you really sense just how absolutely baloney fucked the jumping is. If you jump straight up? The framerate is all fine and dandy. Jumping at an angle though? Oh god, the system just can't handle it! The sheer power of Taz jumping at a 45 degree angle completely destabilizes the entire universe. What a terrible reality to live in.
Oh yeah, at least three blind jumps by the way. Are you surprised? I hope not.
Act IX: MOMMA
Holy shit, another actual stage? Except instead of some temple it's random platforms on an island or something? I don't even know anymore, but you just go up and up again like in the last stage, except you have this obnoxious big ass bird constantly pestering you with even more guaranteed hits. I don't think I mentioned it yet, but I do wanna meet the person who thought it was great to make spinning take away your life, I want to call them inhuman and despicable before I repeatedly punch them in the groin.
So what do you get for all that? The egg hatches and sprouts legs, then it follows Taz thinking he's their mommy, despite presumably the real mommy constantly bothering us through the stage. So there you go, a mild comedy ending followed with a generic "you're winner!" screen where you get to find out that the composer knew that they sucked so fucking bad that they left their name off the credits.
Aftermath:
Well, what is there to say? I dunno man, I feel like others did a better job probably of describing this monstrosity. Should I be thankful that I revisited it? Absolutely, I seriously missed out on just how special this game truly was, cause god it's a seriously charming pile of trash. Peak kusoge. Mwah. 11/10
Very happy to know I grew up with this shit, thanks everyone.
Hello, you may be wondering why my review is uncharacteristically long for myself. That's because I played this game growing up, it's weird because for the longest time it felt my brain was keeping it on the down low, like it's some kind of dirty secret that I'm not allowed to remember. It wasn't until I found out later that this game is apparently uber popular on the site. It seriously took me by surprise, but recently I decided to play this again and just now made a real effort to beat it. Despite how absurdly short it is, it obviously wasn't easy. But hey, it did eventually happen.
Act I: Uh Oh
We begin play and right away Taz is being chased by a large ball of shit that kills him in one hit, it's always great to have zero time to get used to the game's controls and horrifically choppy scrolling. Your ability to spin and get away from this thing is tied to your health meter for some dickbrained reason, and you have to constantly restore it by picking up fried chicken and bottles of some sort of fluid that I'm not taking any guesses as to what it is. Just like in the dumbass Genesis version of this game you can accidentally destroy items with your spin though, so be fucking careful. I think you can miss like one or two maybe, but it's also worth note there seems to be a nice case of rng here where sometimes a rat bastard will throw a rock on your head as you're trying to pick up a chicken/fluid bottle.
After all this chasing what are you expected to do? You come across a cliff and just take your death right? Wishful thinking, but nope. Leap of faith. Remember that for later.
Act II: Minecart Madness Part 0
We're only two stages deep and the game is already mocking me with it's repeated high-pitched notes and trying to bamboozle me with a minecart maze. The joke's on it though, because I already know how to get past this thing. Out of everything I can actually remember about this damn game it's this, everything else past a certain point is basically a memory that was sealed away never to be heard from again. Probably for good reason.
The most humorous thing about this stage is making the minecart spring upwards and smash Taz's body into the low-hanging ceilings of one of the shafts, obliterating all of his bones and rendering him completely paralyzed for life. That'll fuckin' teach him.
Act III: 1080 Coolboarder
Taz makes his way out of the mine and decides to start snowboarding on a tree branch, all while sporting the most despaired look he could possibly give. He's well aware he put himself into this situation right? He should know what he signed up for.
I love that they decided to give you a choice of path here. Want the bottom path with pits you can fall in, or the top path with at least one more place where you're guaranteed to take damage? Everyone on the task of making this game was hopped on at least four forms of hard drugs. It doesn't matter because this shit is easy, especially compared to the hell that awaits us.
Act IV: Hell Hath Frozen Over
This right here destroyed me for ages as a kid. The most hateful shit of all time, meanwhile the fucking game is constantly slurring at me in the form of 8-bit shrieks. Repeated shoutings of archaic terms meant for bundles of sticks being spat at me by this demented and evil game in an attempt to trip me up while trying to contend with Taz's absolutely abominable jumping. You can spin during this shit to speed up and get through the penguins, but what's even the point when both things do damage to you?
The worst part about this section is that it feels like it takes an eternity especially after how short the last one was, like I dunno what's going on but it feels like time forgot about this part. It doesn't help that I died the most to it. Even more insulting when I found out later you could spin out of being frozen as an ice cube.
Act V: Absolutely Abominable
After getting through all that homophobic shit, what could possibly be next? Oh, why a boss fight of course! It's that guy who wanted to hug and squeeze Daffy Duck that one time. Why does he want to kill Taz? How the fuck do you even kill this guy? The answer confounded me for ages, but the answer is to...jump and spin towards the icicles to make flames shoot out of the ground?!?!?!
...?!?!
...????????????????????????????????????????
Act VI: Flight of The Devil
God, tapping the button to keep flight? At this point my brain has astral projected itself elsewhere and I've checked out from this shit. Why do the piss clouds that you're supposed to get to and refill your energy make the rudest ringing noise? This game's bad manners bewilder me.
I think I died to this stage back in the day because I didn't realize the piss clouds restored my life, it was probably due to the damn ringing which doesn't sound like a good sound. Seriously, what were they thinking?
Act VII: LOG
At this point I'm kinda just sitting here wondering what is going on with the difficulty curve of this game. The ice stage completely obliterated the shit out of me, and the boss afterwards was basically a brick wall with "FUCK YOU" written on it. Afterwards everything so far now has just been incredibly easy, just ride the log. That's all you gotta do. It's so easy, but god forbid the music doesn't let up for at least a second on it's excessive molesting of a tiger electronic game to assault my dwindling consciousness.
Oh stupid me, I forgot my brain astral projected earlier. What is even going on anymore? Who are you? shot by sudden arrows from offscreen
Fuck you bow and arrow person.
Act VIII: Thy Brain Cells Consumed
Um, wow. An actual stage I can just move around in?! With no autoscrolling or thing to force me to move?! I dunno what to think, I'm lost. What can I do without some sort of guidance?!?!
I actually was kinda confused by this stage for a hot second, but then I just went up and up. It's funny too, because once you finally have free reign over movement you really sense just how absolutely baloney fucked the jumping is. If you jump straight up? The framerate is all fine and dandy. Jumping at an angle though? Oh god, the system just can't handle it! The sheer power of Taz jumping at a 45 degree angle completely destabilizes the entire universe. What a terrible reality to live in.
Oh yeah, at least three blind jumps by the way. Are you surprised? I hope not.
Act IX: MOMMA
Holy shit, another actual stage? Except instead of some temple it's random platforms on an island or something? I don't even know anymore, but you just go up and up again like in the last stage, except you have this obnoxious big ass bird constantly pestering you with even more guaranteed hits. I don't think I mentioned it yet, but I do wanna meet the person who thought it was great to make spinning take away your life, I want to call them inhuman and despicable before I repeatedly punch them in the groin.
So what do you get for all that? The egg hatches and sprouts legs, then it follows Taz thinking he's their mommy, despite presumably the real mommy constantly bothering us through the stage. So there you go, a mild comedy ending followed with a generic "you're winner!" screen where you get to find out that the composer knew that they sucked so fucking bad that they left their name off the credits.
Aftermath:
Well, what is there to say? I dunno man, I feel like others did a better job probably of describing this monstrosity. Should I be thankful that I revisited it? Absolutely, I seriously missed out on just how special this game truly was, cause god it's a seriously charming pile of trash. Peak kusoge. Mwah. 11/10
Very happy to know I grew up with this shit, thanks everyone.
Reviewed on Jun 12, 2022
maradona
1 year ago