"I hate roguelikes! I'm so goddamn tired of them! I can't believe I'm at the point of asking for more metroidvanias!"

Me, the biggest hypocrite playing a sequel to a game that can be considered an early example of a rogue type game. A game so rogue-ish it feels like it steals the game from you by having an imp guy shout obscenities at you that fuck your controls whichs sends you accidentally blundering into a red guy in a ufo who demotes you and takes away your stat upgrades, then five seconds later a naked guy in a box shoves you off the side of the stage just to tell you "go fuck yourself." The type of stuff that I thought I hated from roguelike experiences, but realize I like it when the theme is good enough with a funky soundtrack and a goofy enough cast of enemies out to make my experience as miserable as possible.

A horrifically mean-spirited asshole game, but you know what? I sometimes like being smashed into the ground by an ice cream truck with flame decals. MmmMMM, send that demented dentist after me, I love being threatened with a drill to the ass along with some bitch trying to blind me with a camera. The type of sheer degeneracy that I can get behind. Oops! I got hit by the drone some shithead is piloting? They forced me into choosing a random present which makes me throw the rest of my inventory all over the place? Now I have to pick all my shit back up as a mob of evil mailboxes try to maul me? PUT IT IN MY VEINS.

I can't hate a game with a shark that sings the jaws theme as it stalks about. I just can't.

Reviewed on Sep 25, 2022


2 Comments


1 year ago

I first ran into a red UFO while in the secret area where you get a ton of bonuses, and I had no idea what they did so I thought "well if they're here they must be good!" and ran directly into one on purpose and I'm dumb. Dog dumb.

1 year ago

They fill me with an immense scare every time I see them despite how easily you can evade them normally. "Fuck, I know I can outpace this guy easily, but what event will trigger to make me run into them anyway?!"