Giddy at the thought of at least one person grabbing a rom list without context, and thinking this was gonna be a depressing look at the corruption of the highest court of law in the American legal system only for it to be a basketballer with a terrible isometric camera.
Dude, the music for this absolutely slaps the cheeks off a Chicago bull's candy ass. It took way too long for me to find a decent rip, it's such a shame that the sports game stigma has infected even the VGM community.
Sad to report that my Sixers couldn't pull off the upset against the Suns, and close a 20 point gap after being bamboozled by the lack of player markers and getting swindled by crooked ref calls.
Sad to report that my Sixers couldn't pull off the upset against the Suns, and close a 20 point gap after being bamboozled by the lack of player markers and getting swindled by crooked ref calls.
I'm tired.
Let's play armchair game designer, because lord knows we don't have enough of them on here.
Before you can run, you must walk, and boy does Nathan Graves enjoy walking. Nathan just adores going on a stroll in Camilla's castle while his master's getting his toenails ripped off in preparation for being slaughtered in a satanic ritual. Mr. Graves wouldn't know how to run even if I slapped his dump truck ass with the world's most painful block of wood. It's a godsend that Camilla's basement houses the very shoes he needs to be able to find the joys of exercise again after he forgot how to sprint when Count Dankula played his Trap Hole card in the introduction scene. One must wonder how long it would've taken if Drac's minions didn't make such a fuck up as to leave shoes for Mr. Graves to wear for his aching strolling feet. Even with these shoes Nathan only knows how to barrel forward with wanton disregard for his own being. Alucard had it figured out already, just run with care. That's all you gotta do. For Nathan though? Only two speeds exist. Tortoise, and drunken hare riding on a Kawasaki Ninja.
The input for running in this game is bad enough with requiring me to dash dance on the dpad and kill my thumbs, but Nathan's whip attack is noticeably sluggish compared to past Classicvania outings. It may not be noticeable at first, but try ducking and whipping and go back to playing as Simon in any of the past games and you'll definitely feel it. Nathan can jump like a stiff pong paddle and can even wall jump, and trust me I'm proud of him for being able to do so, but he should stick to his day job. Wall jumping in this is automated for at least two seconds as Nathan pauses on the wall and propels himself into the direction of enemy fire that sends him careening back down the pit that he was trying to make his way up from. You will encounter this scenario a lot, I assure you, especially with Circle of the Moon's obsession with slap dashing Armor enemies everywhere with annoying attacks that can bop you from the other side of the screen. No joke, I had a moment where I thought I was hitting an Ice Armor enemy in the underground waterway safely, only to get a very pleasant surprise in the form of another spear flying from off screen and stabbing me through the adam's apple thanks to the second Ice Armor that was behind him.
The primary system is collecting some shitty Yu-Gi-Oh cards and playing Blackjack with yourself to combine two of them and give yourself some form of power up, which could range from boring effects like your whip getting an elemental bonus, or actual cool shit like turning into a bone-throwing skeleton that dies in one hit. Unfortunately, the card for turning into a glass jawed skeleton is about 95% into the game and requires killing a very specific candle enemy that requires backtracking to a who-gives-a-shit area, and kindly asking it to drop the damn card sometime this week. This is where I get to bitch about the worst part of Circle of the Moon besides Nathan's completely useless movement, and it's the outrageous drop rates. That card that I'd need for the aforementioned skeleton transformation? The drop rate is zero point four fuckin' percent. That doesn't just effect the cards either. Health items? What are those?!
Seriously, I went for hours playing this game and didn't think healing was even a thing in Circle of the Moon besides the absurdly paltry potions that give a measly 20 hit points back, or getting to one of the sparse save points that fully heals you. Hell, you don't even get healed after boss fights. I beat probably six bosses before a piece of meat suddenly dropped from an enemy, where I double-taked and went back just to stare at it for a while. There is not a shop to speak of either, shopkeepers aren't welcome in Circle of the Moon. No buyable health items for you to help with the horrendous onslaught of tedium, but you can go ahead and enjoy all those completely useless armors you get to lug around on your person. Sure is a hard game we got here, would be nice if I could have some items, but Dracula is against formal goods trading.
Circle of the Moon is about inconvenience. It inconveniences you with movement that isn't convenient for the challenge that is set up for you as it would be for past entries. The only way to make your pathetic movement less inconvenient is to find cards inconveniently hidden away in an unknown enemy's back pocket that could potentially make certain encounters flat out trivial, like the normally problematic ice element in the underground waterway, or Dracula's nigh-impossible to dodge meteor attack in the final battle. It's all an inconvenient excuse to grind if you lack information, which this game inconveniently gives you none assuming you're not playing the Advance Collection version, which was the only convenient bit from my experience. Thanks M2.
It took me about three months to finish the save file I started on the Advance Collection a ways back after I completed Harmony of Dissonance and it's toilet noises, and it's mindbogglingly to me to realize that it was around last Christmas that I replayed and finished Aria of Sorrow again on the same collection. It wasn't necessarily a skill issue, it was a thumb issue from the horrendous dash input, and my complete apathy to this game's entire philosophy of wanting to train me on it's solitaire system only for the battle arena to give me the middle finger, and take that same system away in the ultimate show of disrespectful inconvenience. It was optional, sure, but it's existence is more than enough to make me want to transition into a volcanic state. It was even more aggravating to find out that Konami apparently bumped the experience requirements up for the western releases, thus demanding me to update the list for all the times they fucked us in the ass. I needed a lot of Picross breaks, and apparently a detour to that Peach game I didn't care about.
It kinda goes without saying, but the thought of replaying this on original hardware with the bad GBA screen, no suspend save, or in-game overlay hints of what enemies are carrying cards is less appealing to me than taking an epilator to my ballsack. I'll give it a pity star for Dracula's final boss design, I guess. I guess.
Thus concludes armchair game designer session, if you enjoyed what you've read, please like, comment, subscribe, ring the dingaling, and maybe sing me a nice song.
I'm going to bed now. Goodnight.
hoooooonkmimimimimi.
+Nathan Graves dump truck ass
+Rakugakids reference
+Yo Camilla call me
+Proof of Blood
-Nathan Graves dump truck ass
-Sinking Old Sanctuary?! More like Stinking Old Sanctuary!
-Why is my hair not as nice as Hugh's
-Where's my burrito
Let's play armchair game designer, because lord knows we don't have enough of them on here.
Before you can run, you must walk, and boy does Nathan Graves enjoy walking. Nathan just adores going on a stroll in Camilla's castle while his master's getting his toenails ripped off in preparation for being slaughtered in a satanic ritual. Mr. Graves wouldn't know how to run even if I slapped his dump truck ass with the world's most painful block of wood. It's a godsend that Camilla's basement houses the very shoes he needs to be able to find the joys of exercise again after he forgot how to sprint when Count Dankula played his Trap Hole card in the introduction scene. One must wonder how long it would've taken if Drac's minions didn't make such a fuck up as to leave shoes for Mr. Graves to wear for his aching strolling feet. Even with these shoes Nathan only knows how to barrel forward with wanton disregard for his own being. Alucard had it figured out already, just run with care. That's all you gotta do. For Nathan though? Only two speeds exist. Tortoise, and drunken hare riding on a Kawasaki Ninja.
The input for running in this game is bad enough with requiring me to dash dance on the dpad and kill my thumbs, but Nathan's whip attack is noticeably sluggish compared to past Classicvania outings. It may not be noticeable at first, but try ducking and whipping and go back to playing as Simon in any of the past games and you'll definitely feel it. Nathan can jump like a stiff pong paddle and can even wall jump, and trust me I'm proud of him for being able to do so, but he should stick to his day job. Wall jumping in this is automated for at least two seconds as Nathan pauses on the wall and propels himself into the direction of enemy fire that sends him careening back down the pit that he was trying to make his way up from. You will encounter this scenario a lot, I assure you, especially with Circle of the Moon's obsession with slap dashing Armor enemies everywhere with annoying attacks that can bop you from the other side of the screen. No joke, I had a moment where I thought I was hitting an Ice Armor enemy in the underground waterway safely, only to get a very pleasant surprise in the form of another spear flying from off screen and stabbing me through the adam's apple thanks to the second Ice Armor that was behind him.
The primary system is collecting some shitty Yu-Gi-Oh cards and playing Blackjack with yourself to combine two of them and give yourself some form of power up, which could range from boring effects like your whip getting an elemental bonus, or actual cool shit like turning into a bone-throwing skeleton that dies in one hit. Unfortunately, the card for turning into a glass jawed skeleton is about 95% into the game and requires killing a very specific candle enemy that requires backtracking to a who-gives-a-shit area, and kindly asking it to drop the damn card sometime this week. This is where I get to bitch about the worst part of Circle of the Moon besides Nathan's completely useless movement, and it's the outrageous drop rates. That card that I'd need for the aforementioned skeleton transformation? The drop rate is zero point four fuckin' percent. That doesn't just effect the cards either. Health items? What are those?!
Seriously, I went for hours playing this game and didn't think healing was even a thing in Circle of the Moon besides the absurdly paltry potions that give a measly 20 hit points back, or getting to one of the sparse save points that fully heals you. Hell, you don't even get healed after boss fights. I beat probably six bosses before a piece of meat suddenly dropped from an enemy, where I double-taked and went back just to stare at it for a while. There is not a shop to speak of either, shopkeepers aren't welcome in Circle of the Moon. No buyable health items for you to help with the horrendous onslaught of tedium, but you can go ahead and enjoy all those completely useless armors you get to lug around on your person. Sure is a hard game we got here, would be nice if I could have some items, but Dracula is against formal goods trading.
Circle of the Moon is about inconvenience. It inconveniences you with movement that isn't convenient for the challenge that is set up for you as it would be for past entries. The only way to make your pathetic movement less inconvenient is to find cards inconveniently hidden away in an unknown enemy's back pocket that could potentially make certain encounters flat out trivial, like the normally problematic ice element in the underground waterway, or Dracula's nigh-impossible to dodge meteor attack in the final battle. It's all an inconvenient excuse to grind if you lack information, which this game inconveniently gives you none assuming you're not playing the Advance Collection version, which was the only convenient bit from my experience. Thanks M2.
It took me about three months to finish the save file I started on the Advance Collection a ways back after I completed Harmony of Dissonance and it's toilet noises, and it's mindbogglingly to me to realize that it was around last Christmas that I replayed and finished Aria of Sorrow again on the same collection. It wasn't necessarily a skill issue, it was a thumb issue from the horrendous dash input, and my complete apathy to this game's entire philosophy of wanting to train me on it's solitaire system only for the battle arena to give me the middle finger, and take that same system away in the ultimate show of disrespectful inconvenience. It was optional, sure, but it's existence is more than enough to make me want to transition into a volcanic state. It was even more aggravating to find out that Konami apparently bumped the experience requirements up for the western releases, thus demanding me to update the list for all the times they fucked us in the ass. I needed a lot of Picross breaks, and apparently a detour to that Peach game I didn't care about.
It kinda goes without saying, but the thought of replaying this on original hardware with the bad GBA screen, no suspend save, or in-game overlay hints of what enemies are carrying cards is less appealing to me than taking an epilator to my ballsack. I'll give it a pity star for Dracula's final boss design, I guess. I guess.
Thus concludes armchair game designer session, if you enjoyed what you've read, please like, comment, subscribe, ring the dingaling, and maybe sing me a nice song.
I'm going to bed now. Goodnight.
hoooooonkmimimimimi.
+Nathan Graves dump truck ass
+Rakugakids reference
+Yo Camilla call me
+Proof of Blood
-Nathan Graves dump truck ass
-Sinking Old Sanctuary?! More like Stinking Old Sanctuary!
-Why is my hair not as nice as Hugh's
-Where's my burrito
Sparkster, my man. We gotta talk about your obsession with replacing my hedgehog-shaped heart.
You ever wish you grew up with something instead of looking at it through the lens of a jaded 30-year old who's played every piece of trashware and who-gives-a-shit release that had been readily available to them to emulate for the last two decades? You start wondering why they made the introduction fight with your rival skippable, when it's required for the golden ending due to the chaos emerald-laced sword you pull out in the cutscene afterwards, which goes along with the other six swords you're supposed to find later. Two of those swords just being things given to you, either from another fight with your rival or from some run amok stick figure mech in the final stage that sticks it into the ground for you and goes "hasta la pasta" as it heads off to Cucamonga to chill with the big wooden mannequin from Dynamite Headdy.
You ask yourself why the stage where you control your giant mech rampaging through downtown enemy territory is arguably the lowest point of the game. Why do the dumb little chicken walker mechs that the lizard soldiers use take so many rocket-propelled fist punches, thus enabling the auto-scrolling gameplay to become an act of juggling like a Tekken match? Why does Axel Gear in his already-repaired mech feel the need to show up in the background, and sometimes aim behind you where you can't interact with his giant flaming bowling balls and awkwardly punch them back to his ugly face and continue the segment? Why must we rematch in a rock'em sock'em robots bout again where I bait your projectile, and quickly run up and uppercut you in the jaw as you stare in amazement at my ability to block? How many times must we teach you this lesson old man?
Sparkster seems to have gotten a bit more jaded just like me, he's not quite as jovial and happy to be the hero like in Rocket Knight Adventures and has adopted a determined demeanor and a strut that could challenge a Belmont. He now refuses to use projectiles, because he has bought into his own hype and believes that all he needs is a sword and an expensive jetpack he bought at the Possum Boutique that automatically fills his meter. He's developed a gambling problem and started pulling slot machines full-time with all that jewelry he's acquired, and will continue doing so even after a bomb lands on top of his skull out of thin air. His overbearing hubris that has stacked on top of him after defeating the evil swine will surely be the end of him, but not if I can help it! I'll be the one to guide him to safety through the corridor-infested journey of his, and we'll surely take down the confusing mess of an airship layout that is his enemy's getaway vehicle and save the princess!
I still believe in him, for he is the coolest. Godspeed, hero boy.
You ever wish you grew up with something instead of looking at it through the lens of a jaded 30-year old who's played every piece of trashware and who-gives-a-shit release that had been readily available to them to emulate for the last two decades? You start wondering why they made the introduction fight with your rival skippable, when it's required for the golden ending due to the chaos emerald-laced sword you pull out in the cutscene afterwards, which goes along with the other six swords you're supposed to find later. Two of those swords just being things given to you, either from another fight with your rival or from some run amok stick figure mech in the final stage that sticks it into the ground for you and goes "hasta la pasta" as it heads off to Cucamonga to chill with the big wooden mannequin from Dynamite Headdy.
You ask yourself why the stage where you control your giant mech rampaging through downtown enemy territory is arguably the lowest point of the game. Why do the dumb little chicken walker mechs that the lizard soldiers use take so many rocket-propelled fist punches, thus enabling the auto-scrolling gameplay to become an act of juggling like a Tekken match? Why does Axel Gear in his already-repaired mech feel the need to show up in the background, and sometimes aim behind you where you can't interact with his giant flaming bowling balls and awkwardly punch them back to his ugly face and continue the segment? Why must we rematch in a rock'em sock'em robots bout again where I bait your projectile, and quickly run up and uppercut you in the jaw as you stare in amazement at my ability to block? How many times must we teach you this lesson old man?
Sparkster seems to have gotten a bit more jaded just like me, he's not quite as jovial and happy to be the hero like in Rocket Knight Adventures and has adopted a determined demeanor and a strut that could challenge a Belmont. He now refuses to use projectiles, because he has bought into his own hype and believes that all he needs is a sword and an expensive jetpack he bought at the Possum Boutique that automatically fills his meter. He's developed a gambling problem and started pulling slot machines full-time with all that jewelry he's acquired, and will continue doing so even after a bomb lands on top of his skull out of thin air. His overbearing hubris that has stacked on top of him after defeating the evil swine will surely be the end of him, but not if I can help it! I'll be the one to guide him to safety through the corridor-infested journey of his, and we'll surely take down the confusing mess of an airship layout that is his enemy's getaway vehicle and save the princess!
I still believe in him, for he is the coolest. Godspeed, hero boy.
2024
Man, Nintendo keeps putting out mid and stuff I already played, I really don't want to get back to that game I really don't like and complete it out of necessity. I might need to buy a Steam Deck or dig out that Retroid Pocket in my dresser, oh woe is me...help...won't someone please help...
Trumpets sound and clouds in the sky begin parting as heavenly light shines down upon me, Jupiter Corporation descends downward offering something in hand
"Here child, 2,700 Picross puzzles across nine games, only 4.99 each plus applicable taxes..."
Bless you o' green sailor senshi of thunder and courage, I am forever in your debt.
Trumpets sound and clouds in the sky begin parting as heavenly light shines down upon me, Jupiter Corporation descends downward offering something in hand
"Here child, 2,700 Picross puzzles across nine games, only 4.99 each plus applicable taxes..."
Bless you o' green sailor senshi of thunder and courage, I am forever in your debt.
One of my favorite units in any RTS are the AoE2 Teutonic Knights, which like many things in this have been historically modified for the sake of gameplay.
The real Teutonic Knights were a bunch of catholic dudes on horseback, while in this game they fight on foot and walk very slowly towards their opponents with their swords at their sides and beat the shit out of cavalry, trebuchets, and entire castles with nothing but that same sword. They're little tin can armor fellas in capes with stats equivalent to Mammoth Tanks from Command & Conquer, except they'd probably solo Kirov Airships too if you gave them jetpacks. Hell, could you imagine what would happen if you gave them a skateboard or a set of rollerblades? It's nightmarish imagining such a scenario, every archer would piss their pants at the sight of these guys sliding at them downhill with their swords pointed towards them.
Simplicity is sometimes the most endearing thing.
This had to have been my dad's favorite game ever at least on the ol' piece of shit Gateway PC. He was always a sucker for medieval warfare, and honestly I ain't exactly straying from the same path of interests he had, at least in this instance. It was an all too common occurrence to constantly hear the "under attack" alert ring out through the apartment. It was only slightly less funnier than the Empire Earth alert that was some pompous bastard bellowing "WE'RE UNDER ATTACK" even when an unthreatening bronze age slinger was bouncing stones off a space age chicken walker.
Between playing this, Balatro, and Picross I can't help but feel like I'm slowly turning into a hodgepodge of both my dad and my grandma. ;-;
The real Teutonic Knights were a bunch of catholic dudes on horseback, while in this game they fight on foot and walk very slowly towards their opponents with their swords at their sides and beat the shit out of cavalry, trebuchets, and entire castles with nothing but that same sword. They're little tin can armor fellas in capes with stats equivalent to Mammoth Tanks from Command & Conquer, except they'd probably solo Kirov Airships too if you gave them jetpacks. Hell, could you imagine what would happen if you gave them a skateboard or a set of rollerblades? It's nightmarish imagining such a scenario, every archer would piss their pants at the sight of these guys sliding at them downhill with their swords pointed towards them.
Simplicity is sometimes the most endearing thing.
This had to have been my dad's favorite game ever at least on the ol' piece of shit Gateway PC. He was always a sucker for medieval warfare, and honestly I ain't exactly straying from the same path of interests he had, at least in this instance. It was an all too common occurrence to constantly hear the "under attack" alert ring out through the apartment. It was only slightly less funnier than the Empire Earth alert that was some pompous bastard bellowing "WE'RE UNDER ATTACK" even when an unthreatening bronze age slinger was bouncing stones off a space age chicken walker.
Between playing this, Balatro, and Picross I can't help but feel like I'm slowly turning into a hodgepodge of both my dad and my grandma. ;-;
Normally if I enjoy a game I'd either try to have fun with my writing and do something corny like roleplaying as a character or go insanely heavy on the showmanship, but for the sake of this I'm actually going to be really vanilla and bore everyone to death.
Before I heel out, I'd like to let it be known that I was rooting for this game. When it was originally revealed in one of the Directs, I clapped, I hooted, and I hollered, for she deserves the universe and everything in it. She's an icon, she's a legend, and she is the moment. I heard it get compared to Wario World, which made me bounce off walls like Spring Wario from the classic Game Boy games. I could imagine it now, Peach womanhandling every bad guy in sight and going on an exciting journey through every genre of artistic theater known by Mushroomy Kingdom history. Unfortunately, comparing Good-Feel to even one of Treasure's lesser developments is essentially like putting silly putty next to an unpolished diamond.
"Engagement" and "difficulty" are two separate things, and it really needs to be stressed that the latter means little in the grand stage of what makes a game do what a game does, which is engage the player and take their mind off life, with the "fun yeah woo" energy replacing all their other thought processes. Spyro the Dragon and Ninja Gaiden are on opposite ends of the spectrum and still manage to be a few of my favorites to ever do it. Just a few days ago, I played Bugs Bunny Lost in Time on stream in a Discord call with one of my friends as she did some programming, and that is a game "made for children" with very little punishment dealt out for mistakes. For how jank and lower budget it was, it was fun with decent puzzles, cool ship combat, car chase segments, and even pretty good boss fights! It's something I enjoyed when I was eight, and still do now as an adult.
Peach Showtime for all of it's poor performing extravagance doesn't even use a lot of the joycon's controls, and many segments are very linear and on-rails with one of the Detective Peach puzzles quite literally having the solution put up on the wall for you. Using a simple control scheme is never a bad thing in itself, I enjoy an Atari game now and then, but the fine art of utilizing that simple control scheme demands creativity that extends beyond auto-scrolling sections that make 100%'ing the game annoying. It would also ask for enemies to master the very tricky art of "moving the fuck around a little" to justify having the world's most lenient parry window. It's frustrating, because for every half-decent powergaming moment that involves throwing hitboxes around enemies that are less threatening than beginner mode Musou soldiers it's spliced between very uninteresting unskippable dialogue, uneventful non-combat plays, auto-scrolling/auto-running sections, and "puzzle" segments that are more trivial than microwave cooking. It makes me drowsy! I've played stuff like Toy Story Activity Center off the Collection Chamber and Number Munchers last year, and that stuff was pretty fun despite the target audience! Hell, I still come back to Wacky Worlds Creativity Studio on Sega Genesis just to screw around with the music maker! It stimulates my imagination, unlike Peach Showtime!
Give kids some respect, or even better give Peach some respect. A little bit of both I feel would go a long way.
....Also, I know I'm preaching to the choir on this subject, but why does the game run so goddamn bad? The loading screen and results screen run worse than a bunch of Atari Jaguar games I've played, was it a bad style choice? It would check out I guess, I may as well be playing a movie game.
A dull direct-to-VHS Disney movie game.
Before I heel out, I'd like to let it be known that I was rooting for this game. When it was originally revealed in one of the Directs, I clapped, I hooted, and I hollered, for she deserves the universe and everything in it. She's an icon, she's a legend, and she is the moment. I heard it get compared to Wario World, which made me bounce off walls like Spring Wario from the classic Game Boy games. I could imagine it now, Peach womanhandling every bad guy in sight and going on an exciting journey through every genre of artistic theater known by Mushroomy Kingdom history. Unfortunately, comparing Good-Feel to even one of Treasure's lesser developments is essentially like putting silly putty next to an unpolished diamond.
"Engagement" and "difficulty" are two separate things, and it really needs to be stressed that the latter means little in the grand stage of what makes a game do what a game does, which is engage the player and take their mind off life, with the "fun yeah woo" energy replacing all their other thought processes. Spyro the Dragon and Ninja Gaiden are on opposite ends of the spectrum and still manage to be a few of my favorites to ever do it. Just a few days ago, I played Bugs Bunny Lost in Time on stream in a Discord call with one of my friends as she did some programming, and that is a game "made for children" with very little punishment dealt out for mistakes. For how jank and lower budget it was, it was fun with decent puzzles, cool ship combat, car chase segments, and even pretty good boss fights! It's something I enjoyed when I was eight, and still do now as an adult.
Peach Showtime for all of it's poor performing extravagance doesn't even use a lot of the joycon's controls, and many segments are very linear and on-rails with one of the Detective Peach puzzles quite literally having the solution put up on the wall for you. Using a simple control scheme is never a bad thing in itself, I enjoy an Atari game now and then, but the fine art of utilizing that simple control scheme demands creativity that extends beyond auto-scrolling sections that make 100%'ing the game annoying. It would also ask for enemies to master the very tricky art of "moving the fuck around a little" to justify having the world's most lenient parry window. It's frustrating, because for every half-decent powergaming moment that involves throwing hitboxes around enemies that are less threatening than beginner mode Musou soldiers it's spliced between very uninteresting unskippable dialogue, uneventful non-combat plays, auto-scrolling/auto-running sections, and "puzzle" segments that are more trivial than microwave cooking. It makes me drowsy! I've played stuff like Toy Story Activity Center off the Collection Chamber and Number Munchers last year, and that stuff was pretty fun despite the target audience! Hell, I still come back to Wacky Worlds Creativity Studio on Sega Genesis just to screw around with the music maker! It stimulates my imagination, unlike Peach Showtime!
Give kids some respect, or even better give Peach some respect. A little bit of both I feel would go a long way.
....Also, I know I'm preaching to the choir on this subject, but why does the game run so goddamn bad? The loading screen and results screen run worse than a bunch of Atari Jaguar games I've played, was it a bad style choice? It would check out I guess, I may as well be playing a movie game.
A dull direct-to-VHS Disney movie game.
1997
Slaps the teeth out of Joel Last of Us's mouth when you don't have a bitch in your ear trying to tell ya otherwise.
Sega Rally Championship's legacy was a boon when it came to asking major companies to throw money into their own psuedo-simulation rally racing games, because I can never get enough of that modbogging feel of maneuvering a heavy car around obstacles and hearing my suspension smack into the ground over numerous bumps and jumps to the tune of disgusting guitar riffs echoing through the alpine mountains. A big difference between Rally Cross and it's Sega-alligned counterpart is how absurdly bouncy the cars feel, it's a constant struggle to keep yourself adjacent to the ground and to not send yourself tumbling through a corner. Huge tip if you are playing, the shoulder buttons not only flip yourself right back up, it also helps keep your wheels on the ground when you take a hard corner.
Shoutouts to me as an idiot child who played the demo decades ago, and sat there at the starting line not knowing how to shift out of neutral.
Despite an obvious inspiration, Rally Cross survives as it's own feel of slower-paced rally racing with imaginary cars named "44 monkey" with an emphasis on keeping control of your vehicle rather than just going fast. I am but a creature of chaos, thus I am drawn to chaotic vehicles, whether they fire missiles or bounce like their tires are full of gummi worms. Maybe Sony should have a dedicated rally racing game again, I think that'd be cool. It would also be cool if they shot Jim Ryan out of a cannon too instead of handing him that cushy retirement after 900 people got laid off, but alas!
Sega Rally Championship's legacy was a boon when it came to asking major companies to throw money into their own psuedo-simulation rally racing games, because I can never get enough of that modbogging feel of maneuvering a heavy car around obstacles and hearing my suspension smack into the ground over numerous bumps and jumps to the tune of disgusting guitar riffs echoing through the alpine mountains. A big difference between Rally Cross and it's Sega-alligned counterpart is how absurdly bouncy the cars feel, it's a constant struggle to keep yourself adjacent to the ground and to not send yourself tumbling through a corner. Huge tip if you are playing, the shoulder buttons not only flip yourself right back up, it also helps keep your wheels on the ground when you take a hard corner.
Shoutouts to me as an idiot child who played the demo decades ago, and sat there at the starting line not knowing how to shift out of neutral.
Despite an obvious inspiration, Rally Cross survives as it's own feel of slower-paced rally racing with imaginary cars named "44 monkey" with an emphasis on keeping control of your vehicle rather than just going fast. I am but a creature of chaos, thus I am drawn to chaotic vehicles, whether they fire missiles or bounce like their tires are full of gummi worms. Maybe Sony should have a dedicated rally racing game again, I think that'd be cool. It would also be cool if they shot Jim Ryan out of a cannon too instead of handing him that cushy retirement after 900 people got laid off, but alas!
1997
One of those car games me and my childhood neighbor friend would rent, because we're both idiots and the PS1 didn't exactly super pop off until later. Nondescript for the most part, aside from the hidden 4x4 Buggy that reminded me of the RC car from Toy Story, and the sorry excuse for a "Monster Truck" they have that's just a pickup truck with slightly bigger wheels.
It's undocumented, but there's a few tracks where you can go through corners of the fencing surrounding the "play area" and get to drive around on the outside and explore. We thought we could find something cool out there eventually, but it's just unused track elements and looping flat areas as if it took place on King Kai's planet or something . It's unsurprising that it's not on GameFAQs or anywhere else, because who else is gonna explore every inch of this game's maps but some dumbass bored kids who were more interested in driving around finding every traversable nook and cranny instead of participating in the race? They should've sent us each a hundred bucks for playtesting their game better than their own crew, but maybe that wouldn't have been the best thing, since apparently Elite Systems has a massive problem actually paying their devs. It's actually crazy to find out they're still around and apparently have a hold on some ZX Spectrum titles...or do they? At the very least their site seems to have Manic Miner and Chuckie Egg playable.
A rousing development for all two fans of Sneedie Egg. It would be a funny rabbit hole for me to suddenly research ZX Spectrum clone consoles after reminiscing about a "secret" me and a buddy found that no one else talks or cares about, but I can already feel the tiny hamsters in my skull losing interest as we speak. Unfortunate.
At least I got to find out that Ted sucked. Whatever the bastard did, I assume they deserved to be ridiculed. Fuck'em.
It's undocumented, but there's a few tracks where you can go through corners of the fencing surrounding the "play area" and get to drive around on the outside and explore. We thought we could find something cool out there eventually, but it's just unused track elements and looping flat areas as if it took place on King Kai's planet or something . It's unsurprising that it's not on GameFAQs or anywhere else, because who else is gonna explore every inch of this game's maps but some dumbass bored kids who were more interested in driving around finding every traversable nook and cranny instead of participating in the race? They should've sent us each a hundred bucks for playtesting their game better than their own crew, but maybe that wouldn't have been the best thing, since apparently Elite Systems has a massive problem actually paying their devs. It's actually crazy to find out they're still around and apparently have a hold on some ZX Spectrum titles...or do they? At the very least their site seems to have Manic Miner and Chuckie Egg playable.
A rousing development for all two fans of Sneedie Egg. It would be a funny rabbit hole for me to suddenly research ZX Spectrum clone consoles after reminiscing about a "secret" me and a buddy found that no one else talks or cares about, but I can already feel the tiny hamsters in my skull losing interest as we speak. Unfortunate.
At least I got to find out that Ted sucked. Whatever the bastard did, I assume they deserved to be ridiculed. Fuck'em.
1997
Look, I don't care if it's juvenile. Monster trucks are fuckin' cool. The sheer concept of a colossal vehicle built to literally crush other cars underneath it's gargantuan wheels fills me with delight, and not only can you play as one in this, but there's also a mechanic where if you run into another car from behind you'll drive over them and get a speed boost. This effectively makes the monster trucks in Off-Road Challenge the racing game equivalent of a grappler, and that's the sickest crap ever.
If that doesn't convince you, then how about watching an AI car drive into a passing by train and have the train be the loser in the exchange and explode into pieces? That sight left more of a mark on me than any racing sim this past decade I tells ya, and every time you set a record you're given a compliment and told "you're hot". Thank you Ms. Challenge! Midway arcade racers always got my back.
IGN: "oh oooh! the frame rate!"
gives IGN a swirly and steals their underpants
If that doesn't convince you, then how about watching an AI car drive into a passing by train and have the train be the loser in the exchange and explode into pieces? That sight left more of a mark on me than any racing sim this past decade I tells ya, and every time you set a record you're given a compliment and told "you're hot". Thank you Ms. Challenge! Midway arcade racers always got my back.
IGN: "oh oooh! the frame rate!"
gives IGN a swirly and steals their underpants
Kenji Sasaki, the director of Sega Rally at one point in development worked so much on the project that he began questioning the very thought of finding driving "fun".
As a minnow you'll barely know how to drive a go-kart in Super Mario Kart, in comparison a fine-tuned high performance Toyota Celica GT-Four is well above your pay grade. You will start racing in the beginner-friendly Desert course just fine and dandy, until you try to make the very long easy right near the end and see yourself smacking head-first into the stone wall, sometimes even finding your curious eyes getting distracted by the zebras standing nearby. The Forest with it's pine trees welcome you to a hairpin turn that you have no hope of knowing how to handle in your weighty polygonal real world vehicle, and you barely find yourself making it to the end out of sheer luck. Then the apparent finale rears it's ugly head, an insurmountable Mountain with not only it's own hairpin turn, but many tricky curves, a long narrow turn leaving little room for error, and precise maneuvering through town. This is the end for you, this mountain cannot be conquered. You're left to zero knowledge of the hellish Lake Side extra course that lies beyond that mountain, home to narrow precision-demanding turns and chicanes that only true experts of the dirt may discover and have any hope of navigating.
You become enamored over how mean the mountain is, and find it's song mesmerizing through it's triumphant guitar riffs that feel like it's cheering you on. You're but a kid, but you try your best to figure out the science of operating a championship-grade motor vehicle. You only learn so much, even if you do get a bit better at the other portions of the track, a hairpin turn is still essentially a guaranteed crash. Despite an obvious skill plateau for your moronic self, you still find the game fun to play and come back to it just to hear it's cheery demeanor root for you. You've game over'd so many times, but it never feels bad, because the game only wishes to entertain and not belittle.
As an adult you come back to the same game with fondness, puzzled as to why you took so much leisure just driving by yourself in time attack. Was it really just the music? Was the Celica GT-Four just that cool of a car? You come back to the same course and struggle as you normally do, albeit this time with knowledge of how to decelerate and utilize the brake properly. You hug the inside of those corners, you get the drift around the hairpin without touching the embankment, and not a single wall is run into as you make the quick descend through town. That "cool part" of the music that you really liked is now suddenly the victory jubilee as you approach the finish line on the third and final lap. Addiction to the feel of the road sets in, and you find yourself beating the arcade mode and getting the esteemed honor to officially drive on the Lake Side course without the need of that code you found one time on your dad's shitty internet. The Stratos car also becomes yours, best of luck driver, you are now a true master and may access these dangerous assets at any time. You deserve it truly.
It's at this point we come back to Sasaki, who had taken a moment to drive his own car around the mountains to find his spark again to make good-ass driving games, he found the experience so exciting that he based the Mountain track on it and made the very same course that I loved and still do to this day. To transfer that experience to a video game and have it somehow resonate with a six-year old who is now a full grown adult that can handle that hairpin turn with relative ease is a true mark of brilliance, and why Sega Rally stands on it's own as the foundation of all rally racing games and possibly one of my favorite driving games ever made.
Hurrah to you Mr. Sasaki.
As a minnow you'll barely know how to drive a go-kart in Super Mario Kart, in comparison a fine-tuned high performance Toyota Celica GT-Four is well above your pay grade. You will start racing in the beginner-friendly Desert course just fine and dandy, until you try to make the very long easy right near the end and see yourself smacking head-first into the stone wall, sometimes even finding your curious eyes getting distracted by the zebras standing nearby. The Forest with it's pine trees welcome you to a hairpin turn that you have no hope of knowing how to handle in your weighty polygonal real world vehicle, and you barely find yourself making it to the end out of sheer luck. Then the apparent finale rears it's ugly head, an insurmountable Mountain with not only it's own hairpin turn, but many tricky curves, a long narrow turn leaving little room for error, and precise maneuvering through town. This is the end for you, this mountain cannot be conquered. You're left to zero knowledge of the hellish Lake Side extra course that lies beyond that mountain, home to narrow precision-demanding turns and chicanes that only true experts of the dirt may discover and have any hope of navigating.
You become enamored over how mean the mountain is, and find it's song mesmerizing through it's triumphant guitar riffs that feel like it's cheering you on. You're but a kid, but you try your best to figure out the science of operating a championship-grade motor vehicle. You only learn so much, even if you do get a bit better at the other portions of the track, a hairpin turn is still essentially a guaranteed crash. Despite an obvious skill plateau for your moronic self, you still find the game fun to play and come back to it just to hear it's cheery demeanor root for you. You've game over'd so many times, but it never feels bad, because the game only wishes to entertain and not belittle.
As an adult you come back to the same game with fondness, puzzled as to why you took so much leisure just driving by yourself in time attack. Was it really just the music? Was the Celica GT-Four just that cool of a car? You come back to the same course and struggle as you normally do, albeit this time with knowledge of how to decelerate and utilize the brake properly. You hug the inside of those corners, you get the drift around the hairpin without touching the embankment, and not a single wall is run into as you make the quick descend through town. That "cool part" of the music that you really liked is now suddenly the victory jubilee as you approach the finish line on the third and final lap. Addiction to the feel of the road sets in, and you find yourself beating the arcade mode and getting the esteemed honor to officially drive on the Lake Side course without the need of that code you found one time on your dad's shitty internet. The Stratos car also becomes yours, best of luck driver, you are now a true master and may access these dangerous assets at any time. You deserve it truly.
It's at this point we come back to Sasaki, who had taken a moment to drive his own car around the mountains to find his spark again to make good-ass driving games, he found the experience so exciting that he based the Mountain track on it and made the very same course that I loved and still do to this day. To transfer that experience to a video game and have it somehow resonate with a six-year old who is now a full grown adult that can handle that hairpin turn with relative ease is a true mark of brilliance, and why Sega Rally stands on it's own as the foundation of all rally racing games and possibly one of my favorite driving games ever made.
Hurrah to you Mr. Sasaki.
1997
The odd one out of the original trio of childhood games I had on my N64, which still functions today thankfully. Mario 64 needs no introduction, Wave Race 64 wowed me with it's realistic water effects and attracted me with it's ocean scenery, and Top Gear Rally was kinda just over there chilling and not bothering anyone. Absolutely a dad pick if I had ever seen one.
Very much feels like Nintendo's unofficial secret answer to Sega Rally Championship, with a ton of care obviously put into the weighty movement of the cars, realistic suspension systems, and actual damage modeling. Using the control stick to steer of course means the handling becomes about as touchy as me on a bad Saturday morning with no caffeine. This is where the customization before each race becomes crucial to making or breaking how the driving feels on the course under certain weather conditions. I feel this is where most people give up on this game, but with such a small set of options to experiment with it shouldn't take much time to find your favorite setup. I definitely don't recommend the default steering/handling 1 for beginners, it's quite a tight endeavor~
What Wave Race 64 did with water and sea for me, was what Top Gear Rally tried to do for me with land and dirt. The depiction of the jungle track under rainy conditions looked simply remarkable to me in 1997, the N64's infamous ability to utilize fog to hide draw distance was done masterfully here and coming back to it as an adult reminded me of that along with realizing the little things like the headlights blaring from the front of the cars. It was something I hadn't seen quite yet even on Playstation or Saturn, and this game along with Wave Race really showed off how powerful the N64 was. It's a small wonder what would happen if the console were not held back by the storage capacity of it's cartridge format, but alas...I just wish I could've used the paint tool option, because I never had a memory pack growing up. ;-;
The crown jewel of the package however is Barry Leitch's soundtrack. I'm not sure if some prohibition era gangsters held his family hostage to force him into making one of the most beautiful menu themes I ever heard or what, but it's a drop dead gorgeous piece that I remember listening to for ages as a kid. Meanwhile PAL/JP got this insane energetic piece that has the exact opposite energy. The actual course themes are nothing to sneeze at either, the music for the Jungle course is crazy good with a side of crazy bread, and really gets your adrenaline pumping for racing in the rain. It really brings me back to realizing how good we had it for music during this era for all kinds of genres. These days if you boot up a mainstream rally game on Steam nine times out of ten it would blare some forgettable licensed garbage at you, which I would turn off near instantly and start playing my own stuff on Spotify.....or perhaps start playing music from Sega Rally, Top Gear Rally, etc...
sighs
I miss game composers man...
Very much feels like Nintendo's unofficial secret answer to Sega Rally Championship, with a ton of care obviously put into the weighty movement of the cars, realistic suspension systems, and actual damage modeling. Using the control stick to steer of course means the handling becomes about as touchy as me on a bad Saturday morning with no caffeine. This is where the customization before each race becomes crucial to making or breaking how the driving feels on the course under certain weather conditions. I feel this is where most people give up on this game, but with such a small set of options to experiment with it shouldn't take much time to find your favorite setup. I definitely don't recommend the default steering/handling 1 for beginners, it's quite a tight endeavor~
What Wave Race 64 did with water and sea for me, was what Top Gear Rally tried to do for me with land and dirt. The depiction of the jungle track under rainy conditions looked simply remarkable to me in 1997, the N64's infamous ability to utilize fog to hide draw distance was done masterfully here and coming back to it as an adult reminded me of that along with realizing the little things like the headlights blaring from the front of the cars. It was something I hadn't seen quite yet even on Playstation or Saturn, and this game along with Wave Race really showed off how powerful the N64 was. It's a small wonder what would happen if the console were not held back by the storage capacity of it's cartridge format, but alas...I just wish I could've used the paint tool option, because I never had a memory pack growing up. ;-;
The crown jewel of the package however is Barry Leitch's soundtrack. I'm not sure if some prohibition era gangsters held his family hostage to force him into making one of the most beautiful menu themes I ever heard or what, but it's a drop dead gorgeous piece that I remember listening to for ages as a kid. Meanwhile PAL/JP got this insane energetic piece that has the exact opposite energy. The actual course themes are nothing to sneeze at either, the music for the Jungle course is crazy good with a side of crazy bread, and really gets your adrenaline pumping for racing in the rain. It really brings me back to realizing how good we had it for music during this era for all kinds of genres. These days if you boot up a mainstream rally game on Steam nine times out of ten it would blare some forgettable licensed garbage at you, which I would turn off near instantly and start playing my own stuff on Spotify.....or perhaps start playing music from Sega Rally, Top Gear Rally, etc...
sighs
I miss game composers man...
1992
To the R-9 Leomobile! Let's go!
Leo is often labeled the "black sheep" of the series, but me and many other R-Typers would correct it as the "white sheep" of the franchise as it's actually quite kind and pleasant in comparison to the other asshole supervillain games. I originally played this in co-op on a whim with C_F over Fightcade, but I decided to take this on solo again on MAME where the sound wasn't butchered by shoddy emulation, and I didn't need to contend with a whole second of input lag from having to watch her stream as we played due to a desync. I figured it was worth some quality time together, since Leo was the first game I ever played on MAME that wasn't a CPS-2 Capcom fighter. We needed a bit of catching up to do...
The series standard force option and wave cannon have gone out to lunch, leaving the bit devices to do all the heavy lifting on our little electronica vacation with the Adam West Batman voice sample that predates Sonic CD, Hybrid Front and Third Strike's useage of it as well as this intro to Bass Landing 2. Without a wave cannon to charge, we now have the ability to scramble our Bits to bumrush the nearest enemies on screen for however long your meter has energy. Interestingly, the method of input is actually different between the World and Japan set of roms. In World there is a dedicated button to the Bit Bumrush, while in Japan you must hold down your standard shot button to let the attack loose with the release of your button being the command to have them retreat back to your ship.
It is also worth note that the Japan set actually features the traditional checkpoint system that many moan about, while the rest of us were given instant respawns. I'd imagine someone thought better about the checkpoint system within the context of a cabinet, especially when your main business interest is guzzling all pocket change from the nearby curious passersby instead of trying to appease a tryhard playerbase that didn't exist elsewhere. Checkpoints are generally also secret safety nets to help players get their power ups back, and if I had to be honest there were only a few areas where recovering was a bit frantic, but a Laser Crystal is always pooped out of your ship's corpse upon death, so you won't always get caught with your Bit pants down around your ankles instead of your hips.
Leo is nice, Leo is pretty, and they enjoy funky music a lot. I can't complain too much about them as a dance partner, they're definitely quite a lot more pleasant than their hellscape-centric predecessors even if Leo does seem to take after Gradius a bit in it's final stretches. Unfortunately, Leo is rather inaccessible with it's only rerelease being a pretty obscure PC compilation with worse emulation than MAME. There has been no Hamster/Arcade Archives release, no console port, no nothing. A white sheep that was led astray from the pack, and thus must now float aimlessly through the confines of tapes being traded by space pirates, and game harvesters with tons of money who can afford a 1,300-1,700 USD PCB board. Will we ever see Leo again? Does a tin man have a sheet metal cock?
A different flavor of R-Type that I can actually serve to my friends without them spitting it out in disgust from the rough aftertaste.
"0/10 no lions"
"mid-ass zodiac sign"
Leo is often labeled the "black sheep" of the series, but me and many other R-Typers would correct it as the "white sheep" of the franchise as it's actually quite kind and pleasant in comparison to the other asshole supervillain games. I originally played this in co-op on a whim with C_F over Fightcade, but I decided to take this on solo again on MAME where the sound wasn't butchered by shoddy emulation, and I didn't need to contend with a whole second of input lag from having to watch her stream as we played due to a desync. I figured it was worth some quality time together, since Leo was the first game I ever played on MAME that wasn't a CPS-2 Capcom fighter. We needed a bit of catching up to do...
The series standard force option and wave cannon have gone out to lunch, leaving the bit devices to do all the heavy lifting on our little electronica vacation with the Adam West Batman voice sample that predates Sonic CD, Hybrid Front and Third Strike's useage of it as well as this intro to Bass Landing 2. Without a wave cannon to charge, we now have the ability to scramble our Bits to bumrush the nearest enemies on screen for however long your meter has energy. Interestingly, the method of input is actually different between the World and Japan set of roms. In World there is a dedicated button to the Bit Bumrush, while in Japan you must hold down your standard shot button to let the attack loose with the release of your button being the command to have them retreat back to your ship.
It is also worth note that the Japan set actually features the traditional checkpoint system that many moan about, while the rest of us were given instant respawns. I'd imagine someone thought better about the checkpoint system within the context of a cabinet, especially when your main business interest is guzzling all pocket change from the nearby curious passersby instead of trying to appease a tryhard playerbase that didn't exist elsewhere. Checkpoints are generally also secret safety nets to help players get their power ups back, and if I had to be honest there were only a few areas where recovering was a bit frantic, but a Laser Crystal is always pooped out of your ship's corpse upon death, so you won't always get caught with your Bit pants down around your ankles instead of your hips.
Leo is nice, Leo is pretty, and they enjoy funky music a lot. I can't complain too much about them as a dance partner, they're definitely quite a lot more pleasant than their hellscape-centric predecessors even if Leo does seem to take after Gradius a bit in it's final stretches. Unfortunately, Leo is rather inaccessible with it's only rerelease being a pretty obscure PC compilation with worse emulation than MAME. There has been no Hamster/Arcade Archives release, no console port, no nothing. A white sheep that was led astray from the pack, and thus must now float aimlessly through the confines of tapes being traded by space pirates, and game harvesters with tons of money who can afford a 1,300-1,700 USD PCB board. Will we ever see Leo again? Does a tin man have a sheet metal cock?
A different flavor of R-Type that I can actually serve to my friends without them spitting it out in disgust from the rough aftertaste.
"0/10 no lions"
"mid-ass zodiac sign"
Howdy howdy y'all, it's your bestest and most favoritest star in all of Steamywood, DA NOISE! Can you smell what the Noise ain't cookin'?! Cause I can sure smell what Peppino was cookin', yowie wowie what a stench. This game blew so much hot ass before I showed up didn't it?! Could ya believe it?! They left me as just the third boss. THE THIRD BOSS. Me?! The Noise?! Boise, Idaho's favorite boi with the most poise?! There's a new director in town baby, and the academy's gonna be unprepared for this greatness. They're gonna give me a gajillion Oscars, and the Dorito Pope will be giving me every game of the year award for every year going forward and every past year too, because everything else is gonna be trash in comparison. Why bother making anything else? The Noise is here.
Woag. lights giant cigar with fancy zippo lighter with his own face on it
You see, The Noise don't play by anyone's rules, no sir/ma'am/mx. When The Noise plays golf, golf is actually played by The Noise. Numbers are made up and points don't matter, so who cares? Every burg is a primo burg when The Noise cooks. If you're not trying, you're not cheating. What if The Noise doesn't feel like racing? What about that ya stupid rocking horse? How about I give you a nuclear wedgie instead and beat the prize out of ya?! I ain't deliverin' no pizza, ya damn gnomes can get it yourself. That shit is positively abhorrent I must say! (sips tea) I'll destroy every house that actively orders that garbage. Don't cry to me when you see your fancy gnome cottage go flying to the third moon of Jupiter. YOU DID THIS! Take it from me kid, you'll go a lot further in this business when you see it the noisy way.
Ya see, I ain't like that lousy pastry chef, I'm a handsome and incredibly tall man with a college degree and a very beautiful girlfriend. I taught that Tony Bird guy how to do the 900 McNuttly Twist so he could become a Pro Skater, and I always know to shoot first and ask questions later. The personification of chaos, a chaos that Jack Garland wants none of. However you gotta know kid, that since you're no longer playing a shit chef with shit expectations, there comes much bigger demands from someone as POWERFUL and GOOD LOOKING as I am. You see, The Noise ALWAYS S-Ranks at minimum, I don't care what my producers say about being nicer about the lower ranks. I took a massive paycut to say what I fuckin' said if you ever D-rank in my general vicinity. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE IN FOR IF THAT SCENARIO HAPPENS, CAPEESH?!? A-rank may be acceptable to you, but if it were up to me it'd stand for ASS! I take nothing else, ya hear?! Now if you excuse me, the GF is a-waitin' for me. Don't be having any skillet issues on me, or there's gonna be a bit of a crockpot conundrum.
HIT MY MUSIC.
With Love to his adoring fans,
Your boi the Noise
XOXOXOXOXOXO
P.S. Woag.
We
Oughta
Assbeat
Gnomes
Woag. lights giant cigar with fancy zippo lighter with his own face on it
You see, The Noise don't play by anyone's rules, no sir/ma'am/mx. When The Noise plays golf, golf is actually played by The Noise. Numbers are made up and points don't matter, so who cares? Every burg is a primo burg when The Noise cooks. If you're not trying, you're not cheating. What if The Noise doesn't feel like racing? What about that ya stupid rocking horse? How about I give you a nuclear wedgie instead and beat the prize out of ya?! I ain't deliverin' no pizza, ya damn gnomes can get it yourself. That shit is positively abhorrent I must say! (sips tea) I'll destroy every house that actively orders that garbage. Don't cry to me when you see your fancy gnome cottage go flying to the third moon of Jupiter. YOU DID THIS! Take it from me kid, you'll go a lot further in this business when you see it the noisy way.
Ya see, I ain't like that lousy pastry chef, I'm a handsome and incredibly tall man with a college degree and a very beautiful girlfriend. I taught that Tony Bird guy how to do the 900 McNuttly Twist so he could become a Pro Skater, and I always know to shoot first and ask questions later. The personification of chaos, a chaos that Jack Garland wants none of. However you gotta know kid, that since you're no longer playing a shit chef with shit expectations, there comes much bigger demands from someone as POWERFUL and GOOD LOOKING as I am. You see, The Noise ALWAYS S-Ranks at minimum, I don't care what my producers say about being nicer about the lower ranks. I took a massive paycut to say what I fuckin' said if you ever D-rank in my general vicinity. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE IN FOR IF THAT SCENARIO HAPPENS, CAPEESH?!? A-rank may be acceptable to you, but if it were up to me it'd stand for ASS! I take nothing else, ya hear?! Now if you excuse me, the GF is a-waitin' for me. Don't be having any skillet issues on me, or there's gonna be a bit of a crockpot conundrum.
HIT MY MUSIC.
With Love to his adoring fans,
Your boi the Noise
XOXOXOXOXOXO
P.S. Woag.
We
Oughta
Assbeat
Gnomes
In an age before the internet became commonplace, I didn't have as much to entertain myself within the multiple childhood bedrooms I had. A small hand-me-down television of dubious quality eventually made it's way into my possession, albeit with no cable or antenna. Three things kept me company during those rainy lonesome weekends: toys, old video game consoles, and the trio of pencils, crayons, and discarded notebook paper.
I never liked having my room overtaken by the sound of silence, so I would often keep my fan on during even the cold winter nights. The constant noise of the fan wasn't really sufficient when I wasn't actively trying to sleep, so often I would rely on the only thing my television could produce besides static white noise, the music of my video games. This music was something that could either be easily conjured up by the sound test within the options menu, something that I could only hear in-gameplay, or if I'm lucky pausing wouldn't quiet the music. It's the reason a child would do such things like constantly replay a game to the point of being able to no-hit run it, play a racing game to drive on the same tracks over and over, or destroy countless soldiers on the battlefield for an entire evening. It was all due to the cool music.
Sonic 3 and all of it's versions didn't have a sound test, at least as far as I could see. It was quite a bother, because Sonic 2 had this. Why didn't 3 have it? I love the music so much. It wasn't until I came across the miracle of gaming magazines such as Tips and Tricks, Expert Gamer, and the like that suddenly my games would find a new lease on life, and Sonic 3 would perhaps get the most mileage out of it. Go to the vines in the first level, hit left x3, right x3, and up x3. Easy enough to remember. Sure, I get a stage select, but the sound test without any strings attached was what I truly wanted. I didn't need to constantly fight Mecha Sonic as Knuckles to hear the final boss music, even if I did find him super cool. I drew him so much...
Even when I eventually did get cable in my room, there were only like four channels I'd bother watching, and unfortunately I broke my sleep curfew a lot and stayed up like many a kid would, and advertisements would eventually start being shown instead of cartoons, pro wrestling, or stand up comedy. I'd spread my blanket across the floor of my room in front of my TV to either play something or just put music on from something I liked, then I'd draw, play my game boy, arrange my massive stash of Yu-Gi-Oh cards, etc. Was I a weird kid for sometimes enjoying the company of bleeps and bloops or some insane synth-rock music I heard in a fighting game about the anime I would catch after school every day? Maybe so, but music is music regardless of it's origin. For myself, that music represents memories of the journey I have taken through every console's library. Some are just more special than the rest...
I grow older, and I go through changes for better or worse. I live, I learn. Yet, here I am typing up this pointless nostalgia piece to the very music that inspired me to create decades prior, with the sound of the CRT speakers being replaced by some HyperX headphones, and my notebook paper replaced by a digital interface.
Some things never change.
I never liked having my room overtaken by the sound of silence, so I would often keep my fan on during even the cold winter nights. The constant noise of the fan wasn't really sufficient when I wasn't actively trying to sleep, so often I would rely on the only thing my television could produce besides static white noise, the music of my video games. This music was something that could either be easily conjured up by the sound test within the options menu, something that I could only hear in-gameplay, or if I'm lucky pausing wouldn't quiet the music. It's the reason a child would do such things like constantly replay a game to the point of being able to no-hit run it, play a racing game to drive on the same tracks over and over, or destroy countless soldiers on the battlefield for an entire evening. It was all due to the cool music.
Sonic 3 and all of it's versions didn't have a sound test, at least as far as I could see. It was quite a bother, because Sonic 2 had this. Why didn't 3 have it? I love the music so much. It wasn't until I came across the miracle of gaming magazines such as Tips and Tricks, Expert Gamer, and the like that suddenly my games would find a new lease on life, and Sonic 3 would perhaps get the most mileage out of it. Go to the vines in the first level, hit left x3, right x3, and up x3. Easy enough to remember. Sure, I get a stage select, but the sound test without any strings attached was what I truly wanted. I didn't need to constantly fight Mecha Sonic as Knuckles to hear the final boss music, even if I did find him super cool. I drew him so much...
Even when I eventually did get cable in my room, there were only like four channels I'd bother watching, and unfortunately I broke my sleep curfew a lot and stayed up like many a kid would, and advertisements would eventually start being shown instead of cartoons, pro wrestling, or stand up comedy. I'd spread my blanket across the floor of my room in front of my TV to either play something or just put music on from something I liked, then I'd draw, play my game boy, arrange my massive stash of Yu-Gi-Oh cards, etc. Was I a weird kid for sometimes enjoying the company of bleeps and bloops or some insane synth-rock music I heard in a fighting game about the anime I would catch after school every day? Maybe so, but music is music regardless of it's origin. For myself, that music represents memories of the journey I have taken through every console's library. Some are just more special than the rest...
I grow older, and I go through changes for better or worse. I live, I learn. Yet, here I am typing up this pointless nostalgia piece to the very music that inspired me to create decades prior, with the sound of the CRT speakers being replaced by some HyperX headphones, and my notebook paper replaced by a digital interface.
Some things never change.