(Winner of "Least Worst Award" for least worst game of the year, speech below)

A shining beacon in a year when most games were either incomplete on arrival, barebones, or god forbid, developed by Ubisoft, Bayonetta 2 fell into our ungrateful laps. We don’t deserve a game as good as Bayonetta 2, especially after the general public managed to avoid both Clover and Platinum studios’ earlier masterpieces. The gameplay is just as solid, if not, more so, than the first game. The dialogue is just as witty and fun as before, powers and enemies are creative, and the art design manages to salvage the Wii U’s shortcomings hardware wise. There’s not a lot to complain about when it comes to Bayonetta 2, and it won Least Worst for a reason. All we can say is to go out and give it a shot. Congratulations, Platinum. You’ve won our hearts. Again.

(Winner of “Actually Kind of Fun” Award for best gameplay, speech below)

Not that the 2009 original was anything but sublime, but to improve the experience of one of 2014’s most eagerly-awaited sequels in the way Bayonetta 2 managed, is worth an award in itself. Witch time makes its glorious return and it’s better than ever, helping our titular witch dispatch both angelic and demonic foes with so much style, even Dante can’t help but feel emasculated. The addition of the Umbran Climax adds a beautiful wrinkle to a flawless face, bringing the already fascinatingly entertaining flurry of combat and combo-building into the next generation. If that wasn’t enough, the homage to AfterBurner in the final level will have your palms sweaty, dick throbbing, and a smile frozen upon your face.

(Winner of "Not Another Rehash Award" for best sequel)

Who says we can’t have more of the same? If this were a Charles Dickens tale, we’d have already crushed poor Oliver Twist’s decrepit little body in stampeding cries of ‘MORE’ from Platinum for some stupid sexy witch time. Who am I to stop you though? Bayonetta 2 is what everyone hopes they will get when a sequel is announced. Trim the fat off the old iteration and add enough gameplay improvements that make it feel comfortable, yet new, all at the same time.

Just like that Dragon Dildo you keep hidden under your Bayonetta body pillow, you sick fuck.

(Winner of "Plot and Backstory Award" for best representation of women, speech below)

Bayonetta, Bayonetta, Bayonetta, she’s got the looks, the curves, and the moves to kill. Bayonetta is, easily one of the biggest examples on how a female protagonist can go toe to toe with any male protagonist on terms of badassery and personality. Bayonetta 2 adds much more to Bayonetta’s personality by making her go on a journey not to fulfill her own objectives but to save a friend in need. Bayonetta wins this not only because of her power and charisma, but also by showing how her character went full circle and showing genuine character growth when compared to the first game, going from a amnesiac lone wolf only concerned on finding her old memories and revenge towards the lumen sages to a character that actively cares for her new allies and companions, fighting literal hell for the sake of them. Also, she was designed by a woman, and that matters to some people.

Reviewed on Jun 30, 2022


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