Played as part of my 2023 Summah Games.

Finally, it's Summah. Ok, well, not officially, but it is 98 degrees where I live and it'll be 115 before I know it. As far as I'm concerned, the conditions are right to lock myself indoors, AC blastin', sun pourin' in through the open blinds, wearin' the shortest pair of short shorts I can find, light dancin' across my bare legs with a peanut butter smoothie in one hand and a Nintendo 64 controller in the other.

But this is not just a story of Summah delights, for I have a dark Summah Secret to confess: I was not always havin' a Summah...

Truth is, I'm a Winter kind of guy. As much as I'd like to keep this bit going that I stole from Howard Kremer, I've always been more comfortable when it's cold out. I thrive in snowy conditions, I like it when harsh blizzards create hazardous conditions that keep me from food and emergency medical services, I think it's nice. When I relocated to a literal desert fifteen years ago, I had to force myself to become more Summah-minded, because the season is so long and so inescapable that not attempting to get something out of it would mean trapping myself in a state of seasonal misery.

So yeah, I'm havin' a Summah. A mandated Summah! I'm serving out my Summah sentence alone, stuck in Summah solitary, forced to play Super Mario Kart 64 by myself. That's right, you thought I wasn't going to talk about the game, did you? Fooled you again-- I just don't know how to write!

The following statement might as well be made of pre-fabricated parts, because I've said it before and I'll surely say it again: Everyone I knew in [insert year of game here] had a copy of [game], it was in frequent rotation during sleep overs and after school get-togethers, and I now have a disgusting amount of nostalgia bottled up for it, virtually preventing me from internalizing its negatives and disliking it as a whole. Unfortunately, I have nobody to play this with as an adult, so there is a bit of a barrier there preventing me from fully sinking in with Mario Kart 64 the way I'd like, and perhaps that does lay bare some of its more problematic elements, but I still come up liking this game. Yeah, the rubber-banding is bad (perhaps worse than in the previous game), and you could argue this is the origin point of Mario Kart as a series intentionally screwing over players out of fear that winning would result in diminishing amounts of fun. You can also watch Toad get flattened by a semitruck, so are you really going to complain? I'm not.

It is also to Mario Kart 64's credit that it has so many well designed tracks, some of which are pretty memorable. I think 64's take on Rainbow Road is the one that's at the front of everyone's mind. My own custom cup would probably feature Toad's Turnpike, DK's Jungle Parkway, Banshee Boardwalk, and Royal Raceway. In all fairness, there's a few clunkers as well. Bowser's Castle is rotten with hairpin turns and traps that make it rather unenjoyable to race through, Yoshi Valley's twisting and intersecting routes result in a track that's only rewarding if you've memorized the best path through, and Kalimari Desert is honestly just kinda boring.

But is Mario Kart 64 a Summah Game? That is, after all, why I decided to play it. Well, I've been in my lab doing the Summah Science, diluting Mario Kart with Arnold Palmer and checking its PH balance, exposing it to intense UV rays, and subjecting it to other Summah endurance tests (backing over it with my Toyota Avalon.) I've finally reached a verdict:

Mario Kart 64 scores a 7.2 on the Summah Index Scale. It is a game with slightly above average Summah vibes, thanks to its numerous sunny levels, hot deserts, and comparatively brief escapes to Wintery environments. However, in order to truly Have a Summah with Mario Kart 64, you may want to open a window and play it on a particularly hot day. Mario Kart 64 excelled at UV testing but did fail the Avalon pressure test.

I'd like it very much if someone sent me a new copy of Mario Kart 64 please

Reviewed on Jun 05, 2023


7 Comments


9 months ago

This is perhaps the biggest plot-twist in the history of the site, however, it teaches us a valuable lesson. No matter if you are a winter guy or a summer guy, everyone can have a Summah, something something maybe the Summa were the friends we made along this way I don't know how to end this-credits roll

And I must confirm that study, Mario Kart 64 (or any Mario Kart game for that matter) is a Summah game, the memories I have of playing the games during those sunny July days can confirm it... Amazing and fun review as always!

9 months ago

@DeemonAndGames Eh, nobody's gonna read this, so I'll keep getting away with the lie. Thank you, though.

9 months ago

I don't currently have an extra copy of Super Mario 64, but I can send you my spare copy of Glover.

9 months ago

*Mario Kart 64, not Super Mario 64

9 months ago

Such different lives. No one I knew had an N64 with Mario Kart. The first Mario Kart I tried was the one on the Wii an ex girlfriend owned!

No copy to send I'm afraid!

9 months ago

Whats more summah than taking a cruise (competitive) with the lads

9 months ago

@DeltaWDunn I'm afraid I already have multiple copies of Glover and a finite amount of space that I cannot reasonably keep filling with Glover. Then again, I was told to love the glove. I'll be in touch...

@FallenGrace I really dislike the Wii one. Might be the worst Mario Kart I've played. Condolences.

@_Sifco I went on a cruise once, but most of it was spent shitfaced watching Becker on a crappy satellite TV.