XenonNV
1996
You already know this is bad, as this game is super infamous, but my god is this just as terrible everyone makes it out to be. This isn't even a funny kind of garbage. It's complete agonizing putridness. Quite easily the worst game I've ever played. Nothing in it feels well made or even remotely finished!
The controls are the main highlight of this game's infamy, and for good reason. They're stiff as all hell and makes the basic movement you have to constantly do an uncomfortable chore. Plus none of the levels in this game feel like they were made with these controls in mind and all just feel like nonsensical messes of platforms scattered around for the sake of having some sort of level design. It also doesn't help when the game wants you to do things with precision, which you just can't easily get with controls like these. It's a struggle to handle with enemies because of this, as the most reliable way of killing them is by jumping on them. The only other method of attack aside from certain power-ups, the atom projectile move, quickly becomes very situational as the game progresses with more complex level layouts and more annoying enemies. Some enemies will just be an extreme pain no matter what you do, like the snake and the bird enemies, both of which have a very active presence in the last third of the game.
Speaking of more complex levels, they just get worse the further you get. Most people never see past the first few since they get so fed up with this trash that they drop it very early on. But I decided to go the extra mile and fully complete this for some goddamn reason, and my god do they just keep getting worse and worse after each one! Especially the last third of the game, it gets fucking BAD. Right after the first boss the game decides it's a good idea to introduce water levels, and they're so goddamn slow. Luckily there's only three of them so you don't have to deal with much, but the last six stages will make you wish you had the water levels back. The last third of the game is full of overly long, confusing bullshit that constantly wants alot of precision, which you just can't get with these controls. With the earlier levels, screwing up the platforming will often make you backtrack an uncomfortable distance back to where you started to make you do the platforming over again, but these last few stages really enjoy instantly killing you with tons of water everywhere instead, and like I said, you just can't get precision with controls like these! (Plus I would like to bring up walking off any sort of edge above water locks you into an instant death animation, and it happened to me so many times in the last few levels due to the controls so that's an extreme annoyance made all for a tiny sliver of comedic effect.) Stages 16 and 17 are extreme offenders of this, and they're the two stages that pissed me off the most. They want you to jump off of moving vehicles onto other vehicles of small platforms so many times, and almost always punish screwing it up with death. Hopefully you have a good surplus of lives, as the final third of the game will drain through them ludicrously fast. I never found out what happened if you got a game over since I kept restocking on lives in the first level (it's very useful to grind there for lives if you didn't use cheats to start the game with a bunch), but I'll assume it'll make you do the stage you were on all over again. I don't wanna imagine if getting a game over made you do the whole game all over again.
And don't even get me started on the rockets. There's two in every level except for the two bosses, and you need to get them all to get the 'good' ending. They can range from lying out in the open, to overly cryptic bullshit that you'd need a guide to find out how to get. But either way they boil down to having to deal with Bubsy 3D more than anyone normally should. It's especially agonizing looking for them in the water stages, since their format makes them giant mazes for exploration, making you slog around looking for wherever they are or where hints on how to get them could be.
Two times through the game you'll get a boss stage instead of a normal stage, and these bosses aren't anything special. The first one is rather annoying with how you have to maneuver your glide onto a flying opponent (and confusing if you didn't know the area where he shot at also functions as a fan for some reason), and the second one is pretty easy but also rather confusing if you don't know that you have to make him slip on the bananas into the barrier and not just jump on him. You won't have to collect any rockets in either of these, as I don't know how they could shoehorn rockets into these situations. You do have to collect rockets on the final stage, since it doubles as both a normal stage and a boss stage. There's even two bosses there as well. The first one isn't very hard, just use the trees to jump on him, I'm not sure if I got lucky with the projectiles he drops but they weren't hard to dodge. The game's final boss however is terrible! They relentlessly shoot at you if you're anywhere near them, so you have to jump around towards the switch to activate the atoms you need to shoot, and jump around towards the atoms too. You're invincible whenever you're shooting an atom, but not whenever the atom shooting animation ends, and the Woolie Queens really like getting convenient shots at you right when that animation ends, so you just have to hope one of their shots don't conveniently hit you right when that animation ends. Luckily if you die after defeating one of them you won't have to deal with both of them all over again.
And after all of that, suffering through all of these increasingly bullshit and terribly designed levels, extremely frustrating enemies, confusing rocket part exploration, potentially annoying bosses, and one terrible final boss all while having to deal with these god awful controls, you're rewarded with a shitty ending no matter how well you did. Spoiler warning for here, by the way, but this is Bubsy 3D, so I highly doubt you care. If you don't get all of the rocket parts, Bubsy gets stranded somewhere out in space. If you do get all of the rocket parts, Bubsy gets warped through time all the way back to the prehistoric ages. In both endings the Woolies get rid of Bubsy and go forth with invading Earth. You just get shat on regardless of how much effort you put in. You don't even get a credits sequence or anything, just a massive middle finger of an ending. Oh well, I don't even care that much, I just feel relief to not have to play this any longer. Just getting to say that I 100% completed this is enough of a reward for me.
Whatever you do, stay away from this game. Most people would abandon this within the first few stages, and I wouldn't fault them for it. You don't even get a congratulations for making it all the way, just a slap in the face for finishers and completionists alike, but you're actively getting shat on if you're even playing this game, so don't waste your time and sanity on this. I went the extra mile and all I got was proof that this is absolute garbage.
The controls are the main highlight of this game's infamy, and for good reason. They're stiff as all hell and makes the basic movement you have to constantly do an uncomfortable chore. Plus none of the levels in this game feel like they were made with these controls in mind and all just feel like nonsensical messes of platforms scattered around for the sake of having some sort of level design. It also doesn't help when the game wants you to do things with precision, which you just can't easily get with controls like these. It's a struggle to handle with enemies because of this, as the most reliable way of killing them is by jumping on them. The only other method of attack aside from certain power-ups, the atom projectile move, quickly becomes very situational as the game progresses with more complex level layouts and more annoying enemies. Some enemies will just be an extreme pain no matter what you do, like the snake and the bird enemies, both of which have a very active presence in the last third of the game.
Speaking of more complex levels, they just get worse the further you get. Most people never see past the first few since they get so fed up with this trash that they drop it very early on. But I decided to go the extra mile and fully complete this for some goddamn reason, and my god do they just keep getting worse and worse after each one! Especially the last third of the game, it gets fucking BAD. Right after the first boss the game decides it's a good idea to introduce water levels, and they're so goddamn slow. Luckily there's only three of them so you don't have to deal with much, but the last six stages will make you wish you had the water levels back. The last third of the game is full of overly long, confusing bullshit that constantly wants alot of precision, which you just can't get with these controls. With the earlier levels, screwing up the platforming will often make you backtrack an uncomfortable distance back to where you started to make you do the platforming over again, but these last few stages really enjoy instantly killing you with tons of water everywhere instead, and like I said, you just can't get precision with controls like these! (Plus I would like to bring up walking off any sort of edge above water locks you into an instant death animation, and it happened to me so many times in the last few levels due to the controls so that's an extreme annoyance made all for a tiny sliver of comedic effect.) Stages 16 and 17 are extreme offenders of this, and they're the two stages that pissed me off the most. They want you to jump off of moving vehicles onto other vehicles of small platforms so many times, and almost always punish screwing it up with death. Hopefully you have a good surplus of lives, as the final third of the game will drain through them ludicrously fast. I never found out what happened if you got a game over since I kept restocking on lives in the first level (it's very useful to grind there for lives if you didn't use cheats to start the game with a bunch), but I'll assume it'll make you do the stage you were on all over again. I don't wanna imagine if getting a game over made you do the whole game all over again.
And don't even get me started on the rockets. There's two in every level except for the two bosses, and you need to get them all to get the 'good' ending. They can range from lying out in the open, to overly cryptic bullshit that you'd need a guide to find out how to get. But either way they boil down to having to deal with Bubsy 3D more than anyone normally should. It's especially agonizing looking for them in the water stages, since their format makes them giant mazes for exploration, making you slog around looking for wherever they are or where hints on how to get them could be.
Two times through the game you'll get a boss stage instead of a normal stage, and these bosses aren't anything special. The first one is rather annoying with how you have to maneuver your glide onto a flying opponent (and confusing if you didn't know the area where he shot at also functions as a fan for some reason), and the second one is pretty easy but also rather confusing if you don't know that you have to make him slip on the bananas into the barrier and not just jump on him. You won't have to collect any rockets in either of these, as I don't know how they could shoehorn rockets into these situations. You do have to collect rockets on the final stage, since it doubles as both a normal stage and a boss stage. There's even two bosses there as well. The first one isn't very hard, just use the trees to jump on him, I'm not sure if I got lucky with the projectiles he drops but they weren't hard to dodge. The game's final boss however is terrible! They relentlessly shoot at you if you're anywhere near them, so you have to jump around towards the switch to activate the atoms you need to shoot, and jump around towards the atoms too. You're invincible whenever you're shooting an atom, but not whenever the atom shooting animation ends, and the Woolie Queens really like getting convenient shots at you right when that animation ends, so you just have to hope one of their shots don't conveniently hit you right when that animation ends. Luckily if you die after defeating one of them you won't have to deal with both of them all over again.
And after all of that, suffering through all of these increasingly bullshit and terribly designed levels, extremely frustrating enemies, confusing rocket part exploration, potentially annoying bosses, and one terrible final boss all while having to deal with these god awful controls, you're rewarded with a shitty ending no matter how well you did. Spoiler warning for here, by the way, but this is Bubsy 3D, so I highly doubt you care. If you don't get all of the rocket parts, Bubsy gets stranded somewhere out in space. If you do get all of the rocket parts, Bubsy gets warped through time all the way back to the prehistoric ages. In both endings the Woolies get rid of Bubsy and go forth with invading Earth. You just get shat on regardless of how much effort you put in. You don't even get a credits sequence or anything, just a massive middle finger of an ending. Oh well, I don't even care that much, I just feel relief to not have to play this any longer. Just getting to say that I 100% completed this is enough of a reward for me.
Whatever you do, stay away from this game. Most people would abandon this within the first few stages, and I wouldn't fault them for it. You don't even get a congratulations for making it all the way, just a slap in the face for finishers and completionists alike, but you're actively getting shat on if you're even playing this game, so don't waste your time and sanity on this. I went the extra mile and all I got was proof that this is absolute garbage.
Growing up as a purely Nintendo kid sometime in the early 2010’s is honestly one of the more awkward phases of my life to reflect back on. Especially back in the launch era of something like the 3DS where you didn’t have much to mess around with, wouldn’t it make you wish you had almost anything to go to? Not to brush over my time with the Wii U as it’s still as strange of a time as the early 3DS, but the Wii U isn’t as relevant as the 3DS in this sort of retrospective I’m having here so I’ll focus primarily on what gets me to the experience I know of now. In a time without much first-party output to consider, a newly launched eShop with potentially a whole treasure trove of third-party and indie titles to await you would likely be your next best bet. Hell, not even considering the re-releases of DSiWare titles you could get into, there could be some new downloadable game out there that could make some cool looking use of your glasses free 3D screen! One game of this like in particular known as Mutant Mudds was so well known for these circumstances that it has transcended the boundary of the 3D gimmick over time and made it’s mark on numerous other systems. It sure caught my attention when I was a lot younger, but… I never actually ended up trying it. Sure, I had interest in it, but I used my occasional eShop funds on games like EDGE instead. I always kept wondering what all the fuss with this game was about for years on end, but only occasionally I suppose. That was until somewhere around about a year and a half ago (as of writing this), I wanted to play something on a whim as I usually do so finally caved into my passing interest in the original Mutant Mudds.
What followed was… unfortunately one of the more unpleasant surprises I had gone through in recent times. A thin veil of odd memories had vanished and revealed nothing more than a vapid and exhausting husk that only had this sort of leverage because it came out in the right place at the right time. Sorry if I’m being intensively uncharitable towards it, but I’m being honest when I say that I had expected some cute and neat little romp like everyone I had heard say it was. I’m familiar with a bunch of “cute and fun little romps” and I know one when I play one and Mutant Mudds had dropped the ball on everything I was hoping for. Every minute passing while I was playing I kept getting more and more upset, stagnated in discomfort all throughout my trudging, and I had only come out of it being cemented as one of my most reviled experiences in video games as a whole. Even afterward, I couldn’t help but make my hate for this game be known on some occasions. Some people who know me in certain places may recognize the times where I did this, even. I was around this site at the time of this happening and made my own review of it here in the initial moment of my anger, coined by my old and uninspired writing style. I can’t exactly look back fondly on it with how clunky all of my writing was back then, but it’s there regardless.
But enough of all this self depreciation over old writing tendencies, and enough of all this talk about the original Mutant Mudds! That game was only the FIRST half of this saga! You see, several years after it’s initial and acclaimed launch, Mutant Mudds ended up getting a sequel. A sequel in the form of a title known as SUPER CHALLENGE. It boasts about this new title as it now has a whole bunch of NEW LEVELS to blast through! It has the new addition of BOSS FIGHTS to beat down! But most importantly, it’s called SUPER CHALLENGE for a reason, cause this stuff is MADE to be HARD! Casual players beware! This stuff’s only for the REAL hardened players! EACH and EVERY new level in this game is made from the ground up to TEST you to your CORE! You will DIE and DIE again as this game puts you THROUGH THE WRINGER with our TOUGH AS HELL CHALLENGES! Think you’re up to the task, PUNK?
Well, I wanted to be. All jokes and exaggerations aside, I actually went into Super Challenge hoping to find something of worth to come out with, despite all of my expectations yelling at me that I wasn’t going to get anything of the sort. But unfortunately my expectations were right, as this one ended up discomforting and upsetting me to the exact same degree that the first game did, all due to one extremely fatal issue I have with it.
It’s still just Mutant Mudds.
I probably should’ve just accepted that I was never going to enjoy more Mutant Mudds in the first place. Max never felt good to control, he was always sluggish as hell and felt disgustingly stiff with every possible maneuver. The jumping and air control never felt good either, with it all just relying on the jetpack (that is also stiff as hell) to do a lot of the work for no good reason. Enemy control was always frustrating to deal with, as you can only aim in 2 directions and have little to no options other than to deal with everything from a distance one at a time. Obstacles were always frustrating as none of them felt set up well together and often just resulted in an instant death if the cycles were wrong. I have so many complaints like these that all add up into one big reason as to why Mutant Mudds is one of my least favorite games ever made. They’re all simple to list down and take not much thought at all to because that’s all that this game has. It’s always just been simply awful in my eyes, and that probably wasn’t going to change no matter what I did. Hell, I was going into this hoping that something would change. I was generous enough to give this some sincere consideration, but no. I should’ve accepted that no amount of curated level design would have ever changed this.
But then, as I ventured into Super Challenge, my worst nightmare slowly ended up coming to fruition. Accepting all of that wouldn’t have even mattered at all. The problem with it all being the same doesn’t just extend to the mechanics themselves, oh no no no. EVERYTHING here is the same to a whole worse degree. There is no curated level design here. All of it’s tendencies from the first game are all completely intact. Everything that colluded together to make everything so rancid and nonfunctional with each other is all back, and this time it’s amped up to a frankly sickening degree. I can go over more complaints that I didn't mention earlier here that can fit as they fit in with the problem with the level designs. The huge thing with it placing enemies together in a way that makes the most optimal way forward to painstakingly clear the way forward through as much as you can each bit at a time, every single time. Enemies placed in ways that enforces the insufferable uncoordinated cycle hell you go through all the time. Obstacles placed together in a way that never properly sync or coordinate in ways that feel fair or engaging. I feel like I could repeat on and on about the enemies or the cycles with how much they never feel like thought was put into them. In fact, nothing about this level design feels like enough thought was put into it at all or ever mixes well and always feels like how it actually plays was never considered. The more I try to go on about what in this bothers me the more I lose hope that I can properly elaborate or give a well thought out write up on this. Hell, why not just show you a scenario like this? Or this? Because I’m so completely inept at writing that a simple screenshot like one of these can just explain to you how every single problem in this level design boils down to without even a single word needing to be said! Why even bother?! All it even did this time around was just double down on every single thing that didn’t work! Why did I even bother with Mutant Mudds at all?!
Sorry, I need to calm down.
I need to stop dwelling too hard on things like these. I can’t help but think lesser of me when I see someone on here write something super extensive and thought out. It’s part of the reason why I’ve tried to sever myself off of my old clunky writing from my older reviews, like my earlier example of the one I gave out for the first game, in exchange for becoming as extensive and articulate as I can in a chance to become like those highly lauded around here. I just can’t help but only think of a few things like these to list out as to why I think Mutant Mudds is so bad, but perhaps that’s emblematic of it’s failures. I did try my best to see what people saw in this series, to even giving Super Challenge a genuine effort despite hating the first one. Someone else could come by and explain why Mutant Mudds as a whole fails at everything it sets out to do better than I could, but it can’t exactly change the effort I put in, so maybe I tried hard enough. It’s about time I threw in the towel here anyway, I’ve seen about enough.
But as a final sort of thing I want to go on about, I’m not opposed to having abrasive design, hell I’m even all for it in a lot of cases. It’s why I find myself enjoying a bunch of super tough pinpoint precision platformers in recent times. But the way this was handled is in several ways, simply appalling. It’s a complete bastardization of the concept of invigorating challenge that I’ve grown to love that all comes together into a product that I can only describe as the precision platformer being reduced down to it’s most graceless form, and it’s honestly quite a disgusting sight to see.
What followed was… unfortunately one of the more unpleasant surprises I had gone through in recent times. A thin veil of odd memories had vanished and revealed nothing more than a vapid and exhausting husk that only had this sort of leverage because it came out in the right place at the right time. Sorry if I’m being intensively uncharitable towards it, but I’m being honest when I say that I had expected some cute and neat little romp like everyone I had heard say it was. I’m familiar with a bunch of “cute and fun little romps” and I know one when I play one and Mutant Mudds had dropped the ball on everything I was hoping for. Every minute passing while I was playing I kept getting more and more upset, stagnated in discomfort all throughout my trudging, and I had only come out of it being cemented as one of my most reviled experiences in video games as a whole. Even afterward, I couldn’t help but make my hate for this game be known on some occasions. Some people who know me in certain places may recognize the times where I did this, even. I was around this site at the time of this happening and made my own review of it here in the initial moment of my anger, coined by my old and uninspired writing style. I can’t exactly look back fondly on it with how clunky all of my writing was back then, but it’s there regardless.
But enough of all this self depreciation over old writing tendencies, and enough of all this talk about the original Mutant Mudds! That game was only the FIRST half of this saga! You see, several years after it’s initial and acclaimed launch, Mutant Mudds ended up getting a sequel. A sequel in the form of a title known as SUPER CHALLENGE. It boasts about this new title as it now has a whole bunch of NEW LEVELS to blast through! It has the new addition of BOSS FIGHTS to beat down! But most importantly, it’s called SUPER CHALLENGE for a reason, cause this stuff is MADE to be HARD! Casual players beware! This stuff’s only for the REAL hardened players! EACH and EVERY new level in this game is made from the ground up to TEST you to your CORE! You will DIE and DIE again as this game puts you THROUGH THE WRINGER with our TOUGH AS HELL CHALLENGES! Think you’re up to the task, PUNK?
Well, I wanted to be. All jokes and exaggerations aside, I actually went into Super Challenge hoping to find something of worth to come out with, despite all of my expectations yelling at me that I wasn’t going to get anything of the sort. But unfortunately my expectations were right, as this one ended up discomforting and upsetting me to the exact same degree that the first game did, all due to one extremely fatal issue I have with it.
It’s still just Mutant Mudds.
I probably should’ve just accepted that I was never going to enjoy more Mutant Mudds in the first place. Max never felt good to control, he was always sluggish as hell and felt disgustingly stiff with every possible maneuver. The jumping and air control never felt good either, with it all just relying on the jetpack (that is also stiff as hell) to do a lot of the work for no good reason. Enemy control was always frustrating to deal with, as you can only aim in 2 directions and have little to no options other than to deal with everything from a distance one at a time. Obstacles were always frustrating as none of them felt set up well together and often just resulted in an instant death if the cycles were wrong. I have so many complaints like these that all add up into one big reason as to why Mutant Mudds is one of my least favorite games ever made. They’re all simple to list down and take not much thought at all to because that’s all that this game has. It’s always just been simply awful in my eyes, and that probably wasn’t going to change no matter what I did. Hell, I was going into this hoping that something would change. I was generous enough to give this some sincere consideration, but no. I should’ve accepted that no amount of curated level design would have ever changed this.
But then, as I ventured into Super Challenge, my worst nightmare slowly ended up coming to fruition. Accepting all of that wouldn’t have even mattered at all. The problem with it all being the same doesn’t just extend to the mechanics themselves, oh no no no. EVERYTHING here is the same to a whole worse degree. There is no curated level design here. All of it’s tendencies from the first game are all completely intact. Everything that colluded together to make everything so rancid and nonfunctional with each other is all back, and this time it’s amped up to a frankly sickening degree. I can go over more complaints that I didn't mention earlier here that can fit as they fit in with the problem with the level designs. The huge thing with it placing enemies together in a way that makes the most optimal way forward to painstakingly clear the way forward through as much as you can each bit at a time, every single time. Enemies placed in ways that enforces the insufferable uncoordinated cycle hell you go through all the time. Obstacles placed together in a way that never properly sync or coordinate in ways that feel fair or engaging. I feel like I could repeat on and on about the enemies or the cycles with how much they never feel like thought was put into them. In fact, nothing about this level design feels like enough thought was put into it at all or ever mixes well and always feels like how it actually plays was never considered. The more I try to go on about what in this bothers me the more I lose hope that I can properly elaborate or give a well thought out write up on this. Hell, why not just show you a scenario like this? Or this? Because I’m so completely inept at writing that a simple screenshot like one of these can just explain to you how every single problem in this level design boils down to without even a single word needing to be said! Why even bother?! All it even did this time around was just double down on every single thing that didn’t work! Why did I even bother with Mutant Mudds at all?!
Sorry, I need to calm down.
I need to stop dwelling too hard on things like these. I can’t help but think lesser of me when I see someone on here write something super extensive and thought out. It’s part of the reason why I’ve tried to sever myself off of my old clunky writing from my older reviews, like my earlier example of the one I gave out for the first game, in exchange for becoming as extensive and articulate as I can in a chance to become like those highly lauded around here. I just can’t help but only think of a few things like these to list out as to why I think Mutant Mudds is so bad, but perhaps that’s emblematic of it’s failures. I did try my best to see what people saw in this series, to even giving Super Challenge a genuine effort despite hating the first one. Someone else could come by and explain why Mutant Mudds as a whole fails at everything it sets out to do better than I could, but it can’t exactly change the effort I put in, so maybe I tried hard enough. It’s about time I threw in the towel here anyway, I’ve seen about enough.
But as a final sort of thing I want to go on about, I’m not opposed to having abrasive design, hell I’m even all for it in a lot of cases. It’s why I find myself enjoying a bunch of super tough pinpoint precision platformers in recent times. But the way this was handled is in several ways, simply appalling. It’s a complete bastardization of the concept of invigorating challenge that I’ve grown to love that all comes together into a product that I can only describe as the precision platformer being reduced down to it’s most graceless form, and it’s honestly quite a disgusting sight to see.
I swear to god there was a version of the finding Pilchard minigame where there was a house on a black background and the damn cat never visually appeared so you had to find her based on sound
My dumbass child self ended up getting the computer locked up on that minigame because there was no other way out of it so it HAS to be some sort of thing exclusive to the PC version, don't listen to Jenny she's trying to drag me for this like it's something that happened recently even though she lost to Travis
My dumbass child self ended up getting the computer locked up on that minigame because there was no other way out of it so it HAS to be some sort of thing exclusive to the PC version, don't listen to Jenny she's trying to drag me for this like it's something that happened recently even though she lost to Travis
1995
Ristar was one of the Genesis games I've been more familiar with ever since I got interested in Sega's history as a child. I think it was a documentary of sorts where I heard this game was essentially what came of one of the original concepts for Sonic, and I thought that was pretty cool. I also thought the game itself was pretty cool too back then, but I was probably too much of a dumb child to appreciate the whole stretchy-arm-based gameplay gimmicks back when I originally played this in a Genesis collection on the PS3. Now that I'm older I'm finally capable of seeing what it truly has to offer. Practically everything is done simply by using your hands. Simply reach out with your stretchy arms to swing around poles or to grab enemies and pull them in for a headbutt. A simple enough concept to get the hang of but has an impressive amount of range and versatility to it, as your grabbing isn't simply limited to to those basics. Not only can you latch onto poles and handles but use your hands on different sorts of objects or on the very terrain for stronger maneuvering and even climbing. It's creative depth grows with how much you can take advantage of what neat tricks you can string together with your grabs and momentum, with a difficulty curve accurately reflecting so with level designs simple yet slick with an increasing desire for you to use your arms' versatility for some really clever platforming. It does unfortunately falter in it's final stretch however, most notably with the last three bosses in particular with their rather awkward attack patterns and frustrating overall difficulty. The rest of the game thankfully isn't like that, as it was surprisingly forgiving with health pickups and lives.
I'd also really like to say, this game's overall aesthetic is undoubtedly one of the best I've seen on the Genesis. The visuals are so pristinely vibrant and fittingly otherworldly, paired together with some of the most sublime tunes the Genesis' soundchip can offer. Such vibes can only create an experience that shines like, well, a star.
Speaking of the soundtrack, big shoutouts to Star Humming, man. Still one of my favorite ending themes to this day.
I'd also really like to say, this game's overall aesthetic is undoubtedly one of the best I've seen on the Genesis. The visuals are so pristinely vibrant and fittingly otherworldly, paired together with some of the most sublime tunes the Genesis' soundchip can offer. Such vibes can only create an experience that shines like, well, a star.
Speaking of the soundtrack, big shoutouts to Star Humming, man. Still one of my favorite ending themes to this day.
1994
God damn am I surprised on how much this game's grown on me ever since my first playthrough a while back. I think this might genuinely be my favorite Genesis game as of now. It's just bursting with so much creativity and charm, not to mention it's just super rad as hell too. A stage play is a super cool style to theme a game around, and Treasure truly knocked it out of the park with it. You have super cool set pieces and sequences like the opening chase, practically every fight with Maruyama, the climb through Dark Demon's tower, and the flying stages which honestly became one of my favorite parts of the game. The game is a blast to play as well too, with Headdy's gimmick making for some really fun platforming and combat. I initially had some issues with odd difficulty once I first played it, but I didn't really have that issue this time around. That's probably because I played the original Japanese version, which is noticeably more fair. (Though to be fair, extra knowledge this time around did help as well) Either version would probably be fine for me now though, since I basically love every corner of this game now, but I would recommend the original version if you want to try it out for yourself though. This Genesis classic really is something special.
Also if nobody got me, I know Dynamite Headdy OST - Hustle Maruyama got me. Can I get an amen?
Also if nobody got me, I know Dynamite Headdy OST - Hustle Maruyama got me. Can I get an amen?
A notable part of gaming that has faded out over time is all of the strange mascot platformers that came along during the 5th to 7th console generations. I won’t lie, I think they’re all kinda endearing to think about, despite how rough around the edges they might be. But I haven’t really been able to experience these really, so I’ve frequently been curious as to what they’re like. I mean, I really enjoy platformers, so why not give one of these a shot? I’ve had this one in my Steam library for a while since I got it for free when they were giving it out. It’s actually really nice to look back upon its circumstances as there was a great amount of dedication into making this easily available to those that just want to experience it. There were many people clamoring for his return once, and what was the most popular Kao game was re-released for them to show gratitude. It’s now regularly available for super cheap too, so you can get your hands on it without much trouble at all. Your efforts for preservation are nice, I admire that!
However, in hindsight I may have ended up setting my expectations for something like this a tad too high. I dunno, maybe it’s just me having played other, more notable 3D platformers before and getting used to them but I’ve set up a sort of subconscious feel as to how a 3D platformer is supposed to feel like. It’s this baseline that my mind pieces together on how I roam around and whatnot, and as such I end up surprised when the game turns out to be alot clunkier than I envisioned it to be. Oh, this old failed mascot platformer isn’t really that mechanically solid? Well... oops. Should’ve seen that one coming. I’d like to not let my more excessively optimistic expectations entirely bog down my view, so I’d like to acknowledge why I wasn’t tastefully entertained by this kangaroo’s shenanigans.
The subpar control is most notably to blame though, honestly. I probably would’ve been more tolerable of this had it been more rigid, but as it stands it’s just really uncomfortably stiff. It’s one of my least favorite types of bad control, when the overall clunkiness slows everything down to a crawl. It makes everything awkward to traverse over and around, and even deals collateral damage to the games pacing at times. I know I ended up noticing a tiring pace impact, especially when going around for all of the collectibles—but I’ll get to that a bit later. Though I can say now that any of the other gimmicks you take control of are also damaged thanks to that lovely clunkiness. None of them are really that notably different with how their feel is off, except for the basic swimming controls which I wanted to give a special shout out to solely because it decides to be uncomfortably slippery instead. Makes actually aiming at where you want to shoot at or even where you want to go a real pain. Good to know that I should play games like these to understand the early 2000s gamer’s distrust in water levels.
But also now that I’d like to go into the nitty gritty of the collect-a-thon shortcomings, I’m just immediately gonna come out and ask, could there have been at least a little more consistency with these things? A grand majority of them are just lying around in front of you on your linear path to the end, and others are more out of the way in different sorts of alcoves on those paths, which I’m fine with, really. But then I start having problems when the game goes and pulls the occasional dick move of having hyper specific locations for these things. Like, I think to myself on occasion, “Am I dumb or something? I’m missing like 25 stars, 10 crystals, and 5 stars on this stage. I’m pretty sure I skimmed through every area I could roam around in. What did I not see?” Then I go and look up the answer on where the collectables that are left are missing and it’s almost always some ladder placed specifically where it’ll blend in with the wall it’s on. (These ladders are ONLY EVER USED to reach these special collectable dump locations, even) Then there’s that one time where you have to blast a grate with a torpedo and it’s the only grate the torpedo will work on. Like, what the fuck?? No, I’m gonna call you out on that one! What the actual hell was that?! I just felt completely done with this game after, like, the fourth time it pulled something like this.
I haven’t even mentioned all the wasted potential lying around with the collectables either. You’re literally playing these levels mainly to get the 3,000 coins required to enter the final stretch, but I recall that I didn’t even have enough by the time I reached the last stage before then, and that’s the 2nd stage that just gives you 1,000 coins by clearing it. The most obvious idea you could’ve used here would be that if you diligently collected over the course of the game, you could’ve entered the final stretch early and skipped a portion of the game. But no, all you really can do is just collect at least 1,000 individual coins in the levels up until that point since there’s no real chance at a sequence break reward here. At that point it would be more interesting to see if it’s possible for you to skip enough coins to not get in at the point you’re intended to. There’s also the crystals and stars that are lumped in alongside the coins for some reason. The crystals mainly just amount to extra completion fodder unless you somehow care about the worthless minigames they unlock. At least the stars are actually more interesting since they unlock beneficial, powered up moves for you with every 50 of them you get, which is honestly nice to see.
But oh boy since I’m a sucker for completion I got reminded of some dumb completion bullshit I sent through!! Yeah, getting all the collectables wasn’t enough, I’ve gotta do 3 particular bosses without getting hit since I’m playing the new PC release. Most notably the final boss against the Hunter is what I’ve got my mind on. OOOOUUGH this boss. I’d like to let you know that this boss caused me some intense agony trying to beat it damageless. Don’t you just love it when a game has a perfect run challenge and doesn’t give you any sort of quick restart button? I sure do love that! Don’t you LOVE how the boss you’re fighting has attacks so broken that you can literally take random damage to absolutely fucking nothing at all? If you ever want to try this yourself, please just save yourself the headaches and abuse the sidestep on the final phase. It’s significantly easier than trying to keep him in a stunlock that he almost always breaks out of. (Thanks for the stunlock advice, lousy ass steam guides... You’re the same ones that told me that none of the collectables in this game were hidden well at all yet proceeded to never warn me about that one stray coin in the Abandoned Town stage. I’m gonna have trust issues thanks to you) Alright, this episode of XenonNV Complains About Specific Achievements is over, thank you for watching and be sure to tune in for next time.
But yeah, at the end of the day, I guess I’m real disappointed somehow. I dunno, I was expecting something rather mediocre from this—but also something kinda neat as well. What I ended up with was something unpleasantly mediocre at best, and just ended up draining out all of the goodwill it had left by the end. I admire the dedication behind it I suppose, but it’s just not enough for me to say it was a worthwhile experience, sorry to say.
However, in hindsight I may have ended up setting my expectations for something like this a tad too high. I dunno, maybe it’s just me having played other, more notable 3D platformers before and getting used to them but I’ve set up a sort of subconscious feel as to how a 3D platformer is supposed to feel like. It’s this baseline that my mind pieces together on how I roam around and whatnot, and as such I end up surprised when the game turns out to be alot clunkier than I envisioned it to be. Oh, this old failed mascot platformer isn’t really that mechanically solid? Well... oops. Should’ve seen that one coming. I’d like to not let my more excessively optimistic expectations entirely bog down my view, so I’d like to acknowledge why I wasn’t tastefully entertained by this kangaroo’s shenanigans.
The subpar control is most notably to blame though, honestly. I probably would’ve been more tolerable of this had it been more rigid, but as it stands it’s just really uncomfortably stiff. It’s one of my least favorite types of bad control, when the overall clunkiness slows everything down to a crawl. It makes everything awkward to traverse over and around, and even deals collateral damage to the games pacing at times. I know I ended up noticing a tiring pace impact, especially when going around for all of the collectibles—but I’ll get to that a bit later. Though I can say now that any of the other gimmicks you take control of are also damaged thanks to that lovely clunkiness. None of them are really that notably different with how their feel is off, except for the basic swimming controls which I wanted to give a special shout out to solely because it decides to be uncomfortably slippery instead. Makes actually aiming at where you want to shoot at or even where you want to go a real pain. Good to know that I should play games like these to understand the early 2000s gamer’s distrust in water levels.
But also now that I’d like to go into the nitty gritty of the collect-a-thon shortcomings, I’m just immediately gonna come out and ask, could there have been at least a little more consistency with these things? A grand majority of them are just lying around in front of you on your linear path to the end, and others are more out of the way in different sorts of alcoves on those paths, which I’m fine with, really. But then I start having problems when the game goes and pulls the occasional dick move of having hyper specific locations for these things. Like, I think to myself on occasion, “Am I dumb or something? I’m missing like 25 stars, 10 crystals, and 5 stars on this stage. I’m pretty sure I skimmed through every area I could roam around in. What did I not see?” Then I go and look up the answer on where the collectables that are left are missing and it’s almost always some ladder placed specifically where it’ll blend in with the wall it’s on. (These ladders are ONLY EVER USED to reach these special collectable dump locations, even) Then there’s that one time where you have to blast a grate with a torpedo and it’s the only grate the torpedo will work on. Like, what the fuck?? No, I’m gonna call you out on that one! What the actual hell was that?! I just felt completely done with this game after, like, the fourth time it pulled something like this.
I haven’t even mentioned all the wasted potential lying around with the collectables either. You’re literally playing these levels mainly to get the 3,000 coins required to enter the final stretch, but I recall that I didn’t even have enough by the time I reached the last stage before then, and that’s the 2nd stage that just gives you 1,000 coins by clearing it. The most obvious idea you could’ve used here would be that if you diligently collected over the course of the game, you could’ve entered the final stretch early and skipped a portion of the game. But no, all you really can do is just collect at least 1,000 individual coins in the levels up until that point since there’s no real chance at a sequence break reward here. At that point it would be more interesting to see if it’s possible for you to skip enough coins to not get in at the point you’re intended to. There’s also the crystals and stars that are lumped in alongside the coins for some reason. The crystals mainly just amount to extra completion fodder unless you somehow care about the worthless minigames they unlock. At least the stars are actually more interesting since they unlock beneficial, powered up moves for you with every 50 of them you get, which is honestly nice to see.
But oh boy since I’m a sucker for completion I got reminded of some dumb completion bullshit I sent through!! Yeah, getting all the collectables wasn’t enough, I’ve gotta do 3 particular bosses without getting hit since I’m playing the new PC release. Most notably the final boss against the Hunter is what I’ve got my mind on. OOOOUUGH this boss. I’d like to let you know that this boss caused me some intense agony trying to beat it damageless. Don’t you just love it when a game has a perfect run challenge and doesn’t give you any sort of quick restart button? I sure do love that! Don’t you LOVE how the boss you’re fighting has attacks so broken that you can literally take random damage to absolutely fucking nothing at all? If you ever want to try this yourself, please just save yourself the headaches and abuse the sidestep on the final phase. It’s significantly easier than trying to keep him in a stunlock that he almost always breaks out of. (Thanks for the stunlock advice, lousy ass steam guides... You’re the same ones that told me that none of the collectables in this game were hidden well at all yet proceeded to never warn me about that one stray coin in the Abandoned Town stage. I’m gonna have trust issues thanks to you) Alright, this episode of XenonNV Complains About Specific Achievements is over, thank you for watching and be sure to tune in for next time.
But yeah, at the end of the day, I guess I’m real disappointed somehow. I dunno, I was expecting something rather mediocre from this—but also something kinda neat as well. What I ended up with was something unpleasantly mediocre at best, and just ended up draining out all of the goodwill it had left by the end. I admire the dedication behind it I suppose, but it’s just not enough for me to say it was a worthwhile experience, sorry to say.
1990
Well this was weird as hell. I had quite alot of initial shock starting this from how crispy, goofy, and honestly rather ugly this game's style was but it gives this game it's own charm; in a weird way I guess. The gameplay is a bit jarring at first as well, with the weird physics and all, but it doesn't take too long to get used to how it plays. After that it becomes some pretty standard platforming. It kinda reminds me of Alex Kidd in the Enchanted Castle in a way, with the whole item inventory, the stage entrances, and even how it looks and plays feels very oddly similar. Were the same developers behind this? Or were things recycled between the two? I dunno, it's just something super odd to think about. I will say that Decap Attack is definitely the better game in comparison, with how it's designed much more fairly than Alex Kidd (For example, you don't die in one goddamn hit here), so their similarities aren't much to worry about. I will say that the 5th world, Pumpington, is rather noticeably more unfair than the rest of the game. Like, seriously, what the fuck was up with that mole boss? I couldn't find any discernable pattern with it, so I just hoped I got lucky with moving under the rocks. Maybe that's close to what you're supposed to do but whatever, it's still frustrating. There's other annoyances as well like the enemies that take multiple hits, enemies that spawn when breaking an item stone so you have to be careful when opening them, and that one comedic relief mechanic where you slide over the edge of a platform and Chuck flails around before falling like he's in a cartoon got a bit intrusive the more it happened as I just wanted to go into a free fall already once I had it happen later in the game. (I also recall it got me hit one time I was trying to get away from an enemy so there's that too)
So yeah, like I said at the start, that was weird as hell. It's sheer zaniness is quite the spectacle, and it was honestly kinda hilarious. (Seriously, I can't really describe the whiplash I felt once I started playing)
So yeah, like I said at the start, that was weird as hell. It's sheer zaniness is quite the spectacle, and it was honestly kinda hilarious. (Seriously, I can't really describe the whiplash I felt once I started playing)
1991
An absolute masterpiece in game design, but in the worst possible way. A whopping 52 games in one package, and not a single one of them functions properly, can give some semblance of fun, or is even remotely worth any of your time. It's a game completely devoid of any qualities whatsoever, and it's one amazing trainwreck to behold. The most enjoyment you can even get out of this is probably just from laughing at it. I know me and my friends certainly had a great time doing that, at least. But I can't imagine you would be laughing if you were a naive little kid back in the 90's ripped off by it's absurd $200 price point.
2011
The many sleepless nights I had as a young teen grinding for play coins were all worth it to be able to flex that dark emperor helmet
So, last night on impulse I felt the need to vent about some cruel and unusual joke this game pulled on me in my dumb little achievement hunting activities like the dumb little completionist I am. Never could my hubris have conceived what was in store for me upon me deciding that Winventory, the achievement you get for getting the Wrong Answer of the Game prize for all 50 different episodes of You Don't Know Jack 2015, should be saved for my last achievement as a sort of thematic fit for it exactly when I had all but one of them. I needed someone else to help me with the other two I couldn't get due to their high player requirements anyways, so what harm could a little break do? Quite a lot, actually, as once I came back with someone to assist me with what I needed, I noticed the game's settings have returned to their defaults and upon further inspection, saw to my abject horror that all of my save data with my progress over the past numerous hours I spent grinding further towards had vanished without a trace. All completely gone.
In my distress, I tried everything I could see to try and get my data back, but to no avail. The (assumedly) 10+ hours I spent wading through each episode to unlock their prize and the episode after it were all wasted. The only option for me at that point was to just buckle up and do the grind all over again. And so I did. I spent another 10+ hours getting back to where I was before, and this time I didn't hesitate getting that last one. (I had already gotten those other 2 by then so I had nothing holding me back from having it as my last achievement this time, thankfully) What was rightfully mine was finally relented to me, at the cost of... pretty much all of my patience for that night. What a sick joke. Makes me go through a second round just because I got picky with my obtainment ordering. I've practically never seen a game be this unintentionally malicious before.
Anyways, I hope you enjoyed my funny little story here. I just really needed to put it out there since it was just the most absurd shit of all time. Oh, uh, also... if I should say something about the actual game itself, it would be that Lie Swatter and Word Spud are the most hilariously nothing games ever and the rest are just kinda fine, I guess. The sequels have much more entertaining and interesting games so you're much better off with those.
In my distress, I tried everything I could see to try and get my data back, but to no avail. The (assumedly) 10+ hours I spent wading through each episode to unlock their prize and the episode after it were all wasted. The only option for me at that point was to just buckle up and do the grind all over again. And so I did. I spent another 10+ hours getting back to where I was before, and this time I didn't hesitate getting that last one. (I had already gotten those other 2 by then so I had nothing holding me back from having it as my last achievement this time, thankfully) What was rightfully mine was finally relented to me, at the cost of... pretty much all of my patience for that night. What a sick joke. Makes me go through a second round just because I got picky with my obtainment ordering. I've practically never seen a game be this unintentionally malicious before.
Anyways, I hope you enjoyed my funny little story here. I just really needed to put it out there since it was just the most absurd shit of all time. Oh, uh, also... if I should say something about the actual game itself, it would be that Lie Swatter and Word Spud are the most hilariously nothing games ever and the rest are just kinda fine, I guess. The sequels have much more entertaining and interesting games so you're much better off with those.
2014
This might just be my favorite party game ever made. It's so hilariously bonkers and bombastic that I have an absolute blast every time I play it with my friends. It's lightning fast and has so much bonkers tech to it that every round feels like such a rush. Seriously, you can do some insane shit here. Setting mines in places to trap your friends, using a gun's kickback to propel yourself to higher areas or even save yourself from certain death, the good ol' grenade snipe from across the map, the list goes on and on. Feeling to lazy to do some slick tricks? How about something goofy instead? I personally feel keen on trying to kill my opponents my stepping on them with shoes every time they come up even though it mostly never works out well for me. I have had some success crushing with boxes or rocks though, as I toss one from a distance and somehow manage to snipe their head with it. It's also hilarious to see my friends go mental over trying to get rid of the mind control ray whenever it comes up. (they almost always fold to it if I get my hands on it lmao) Whatever you find on the stage is up to you to use how you see fit on how to fuck shit up with them.
It's not even that hard to get into as well. The mechanics are all pretty simple to learn and utilize, but tough to master. And boy, mastering these mechanics feels oh so satisfying. The single player arcade challenges can provide good ways to help touch up on how to play, and help you 'git gud' to maybe even reach those ever elusive platinum and dev records. Speaking as someone who's beaten all of the dev records, they are absolutely FUCKED. Some like grenade launcher 101 and swing mace pro bring back particularly nightmarish memories.
My literal only complaint here is some of the other things required for completion. Raising eight little men and reaching level 20 in particular require an extremely annoying amount of grinding. But they aren't really involved much with the actual game at all so it's only really annoying to people like me I guess. It's just overall an absolutely exhilarating and over the top experience. Literal peak party gaming right here.
Also, like many others have said, the game has a dedicated quack button. If that doesn't sell you on this then I don't know what will.
It's not even that hard to get into as well. The mechanics are all pretty simple to learn and utilize, but tough to master. And boy, mastering these mechanics feels oh so satisfying. The single player arcade challenges can provide good ways to help touch up on how to play, and help you 'git gud' to maybe even reach those ever elusive platinum and dev records. Speaking as someone who's beaten all of the dev records, they are absolutely FUCKED. Some like grenade launcher 101 and swing mace pro bring back particularly nightmarish memories.
My literal only complaint here is some of the other things required for completion. Raising eight little men and reaching level 20 in particular require an extremely annoying amount of grinding. But they aren't really involved much with the actual game at all so it's only really annoying to people like me I guess. It's just overall an absolutely exhilarating and over the top experience. Literal peak party gaming right here.
Also, like many others have said, the game has a dedicated quack button. If that doesn't sell you on this then I don't know what will.
Quite an oddball Sonic entry here. Definitely my preferred of the Sonic spin-offs for the Genesis, and honestly quite the perfect idea for a spin-off for this guy, especially coming off of the Casino Night stages from Sonic 2. "Since Sonic has this whole thing about curling into a ball, why don't we make a whole pinball oriented game with him?" Big props to whatever employee over at Sega had that stroke of genius. How the Sonic pinball game plays however is more divisive from what I've seen. I generally found it to be pretty cool but I can understand where some people come from with how the overall pinball format can make general progression pretty annoying at times. Plus, its hard. Like, really fucking hard. Quite easily the hardest Sonic game on the system, and possibly the hardest game on the system I've played so far even. With how much of a struggle progression can be it's fairly easy to get yourself killed in the many kinds of death traps, especially so on the game's final stage, The Showdown. Thankfully the collection I played this on has a rewind feature and savestates so I'd recommend using them if you're playing on one that lets you do so. (Ah, the joys of modern accessibility options) Also, I really wanna mention just how completely unhinged this game's style is. All of the setpieces and entities in Robotnik's volcano base feel really alien-like for the series, and that soundtrack is just crispy as all hell. And honestly... I kinda dig it? (Let's be honest, you'd all agree that the options menu theme is a banger if those damn tesla coils didn't feel the need to assert their dominance) It definitely likes to show off with how it's the black sheep of the Sonic entries on the Genesis.
"SMELL MY SOCKS !!"
"SMELL MY SOCKS !!"
1988
Quite a strangely iconic game for the time as it basically marked the start of the Sega Genesis' legacy despite being a port of an arcade game, yet it's very mechanically frustrating and mindless. The first two stages give some promise as they're pretty simple enough to play around with given the game's simple mechanics, and then it all nosedives once you reach the third stage. From this point onward, several frustrating aspects frequently start to show themselves like poorly conveyed mechanics and particular enemies and enemy swarms that you just can't properly handle with how the game works, and with the game's complete lack of invincibility frames and extra lives, it quickly turns a short and simple beat-em-up into a annoyingly prolonged game of trial and error. (Some other aspects I would like to mention are the power-up transformations essentially being a stun as you're still vulnerable after they end yet you can't do anything for a short bit after they do, and also that entire 4th boss in particular) It has some comical enjoyment to it like the crusty dialogue and animations, but it honestly doesn't hold as much merit as games like Decap Attack and Bonanza Bros. so it can only do so much until it's mechanical shortcomings overshadow it's charm.
Also, one thing that was conveyed extremely well was the title screen's button combinations like A + Start which lets you continue where you last got a game over and B + Start which is where the options menu (where you can choose your stage and make the game easier) is located. Would've liked to be wrong about the lack of continues or options before I beat it, GAME.
Also, one thing that was conveyed extremely well was the title screen's button combinations like A + Start which lets you continue where you last got a game over and B + Start which is where the options menu (where you can choose your stage and make the game easier) is located. Would've liked to be wrong about the lack of continues or options before I beat it, GAME.
Have you ever looked back into your past and felt that sometimes you've felt some sort of mystic wonder towards the strangest things? Even towards things that may well have just never in any way deserved that honor in the first place? Yeah, it's kind of a silly and mostly embarrassing feeling coming back to this for me. It's mostly because of a video on it I watched when I was a whole lot younger, but for a good while this was a game that I held in some sort of strange regard. Well, I've held that feeling for quite some time until one of my friends came along during their interest in all sorts of games from the 16-bit generation, and came out of with with an experience that caused them tout this as one of the worst games they've ever played. Gotta say, that rude awakening their words brought almost instantly shifted my feelings on this into morbid curiosity. I mean, I've never even seen a single episode of The Simpsons before. Why did this give me a sense of wonder anyways? Just what the actual hell was this game that I took an interest towards as a child?
The only real way to find out was to actually play the damn thing, I guess. And I'm pretty lucky to have kept my knowledge on this game from watching that fabled video so long ago, because if you don't have any sort of knowledge on what to do or any guide to go by then boy oh boy you are in for one HELL of a nightmare, as the title itself promises you. Immediately upon starting, you're cast into the game's main "hub" sort of area; the street stage. No indications, no instructions, out into the deep end with you to figure out just what the hell to do and what the hell is going on before you get killed by everything going on all at once. You better get used to this place, too, as you're going to be here very often, and for a long while. The main thing you're supposed to do here is search out for one of the pages you've lost. Jumping onto one of them will send you into one of the many assortments of frustratingly designed minigames you need to complete in order to retrieve the page from them, and in turn, progress through the game. The real kicker about this is that there isn't any sort of interval as to where or when they show up, and it's basically all up to luck as to when the game will relent and let you forward. You could spend numerous minutes just wandering about in the street stage doing fuck all because the game doesn't seem keen on letting you into another minigame even if you've been struggling here for like 20 goddamn minutes. Plus, you have a complete mess of things going on that you have to attempt to avoid in your desperation as well, and good luck with that with a stiff control scheme like this. Your main life source (the Z's at the top of the screen) in the minigames is, for some reason, your health here. Depending on how spiteful the game is feeling at the moment, your Z's could end up getting very easily whittled away through how much you have to endure. The weird spinning heads rapidly spawn and can very easily swarm you and prevent means over or around them. You could get caught by a fairy Lisa or a puddle of mud and be left incredibly vulnerable. The bus could run you down as you're trying to maneuver to the other side of the street. Hell, a whole TROVE of things can be obscured by the trees in the foreground, essentially periodically blinding you if you're on the lower side. I'm trying to get the the next minigame, goddammit! Why do I have to deal with all of this?! I could even try to replenish my Z's by using my bubblegum to send them towards my bar, but ooooh watch out! You gotta do that in the middle of the screen, or else the extra Z you just got that you used a scarce item on will just flat out miss the Z bar and go past. Literally everything just hates you here, I suppose.
Don't get your hopes up if you reach one of the minigames, though. The main events of the game are all really terrible in their own ways. You only get a choice between two of them, I guess, so pick your poison when you get the chance. The purple door is definitely the most tolerable one, since it's the easiest. You're swimming around in a sort of microscopic area and getting rid of amoeba-like creatures as you try to run into some atom person several times. I believe the only real threat here is the guys who throw the grenades so there isn't much to worry about.
The blue door however, is where the minigames I talk about start to shift into uncomfortable and unfair territory. Here you're flying around some very hostile skies armed with only a slingshot. Your slow movement and the fact that you can only shoot forwards should send you some bad signs already. Whole assaults of missiles and paper airplanes show the issues with your control scheme as you could just be unable to shoot anything out of the way or even avoid them. This is a whole lot more apparent on the bosses though, as they frequently move out of your range and send out projectiles that you can't feasibly avoid due to how damn slow you are. Special mention to the blimp boss due to their projectiles being nigh impossible to dodge and deal damage equal to HALF OF YOUR HEALTH. And it's very fun how that's the only boss that appears TWICE. Really appreciate having the boss that can quickly melt through your lives be the only once with multiple encounters. This minigame could've had potential if your movement wasn't so sluggish or it was built around the direction of your shots, but I dunno what I'm doing asking for this out of Bart's Nightmare of all things.
The next three doors all have two rounds each with one page for each respective round, so get ready. The yellow door sends you directly into an episode of the in universe cartoon, Itchy and Scratchy. I'm not quite sure how you progress here but my best guess is to keep taking out as many enemies as you can. Camping around some corner with the hammer is the most tolerable way to handle the enemies, as wandering around anywhere else makes you susceptible to numerous things being flung at you. The projectile weapons, however, are extremely unwieldly due to the hit detection on them being very awkwardly small. You could miss what you're trying to hit several times and get instantly killed by a vacuum cleaner due to how specific the hitbox on them is. Oh yeah, anything fire or explosion related instantly kills you for some reason. Fun! Sure is easy to avoid that happening when you're desperately slipping around the place.
The green door is where this nightmare starts to get mean. Here you become a kaiju and begin to rampage through a city while military forces are assaulting you at every angle. Practically every button on the controller has an attack for all sorts of different angles, it's very confusing and disorienting. For example, helicopters require you to shoot a fireball straight forward. Tanks require you to shoot a laser diagonally towards the ground. Jets require you to shoot a laser straight forward, don't get this confused with a fireball straight forward since those apparently don't reach the jets in particular. All of the other angles you can attack in don't hit anything that can threaten you so it's easier to focus on those 3. Well, it would be easier to focus on those 3 if anything coming in for an attack will fire out something almost immediately after coming in your range, seriously the margin for error for the tank especially is disgustingly small. Doesn't help that your health is pretty much invisible here as well. The second round of this minigame has you climbing up a building in a much smaller form, and it's a bit more tolerable but not by much. Hooray, it's another minigame with awful controls! The main issue with this one now is that every input you make is unbelievably delayed. You barely have any time to react to anything being thrown at you or you just can't even do anything in time at all. If your in the middle of a movement animation, you're stuck like that until it finishes. This makes for numerous aggravating situations where you get smacked down over and over by things out of your control.
And finally we have the orange door, and it's unfortunately the most convoluted of them all. Your invading a temple and need to jump around stone platforms to reach the end. What you desperately need to know here is that you need to avoid platforms low enough that they emit flames, but this is never explained in any sort of way so thanks I guess. Even when knowing this you can still get a very annoying roadblock in the form of all 4 platforms forward being at the lowest point. There's a whole gimmick that goes on here about platforms rising and falling as you step on them but that's just an annoying goose chase jumping around until you get the way forward to rise. This minigame you have to do twice with no real difference, so I hope you find out what to do quickly.
All you really have to do is finish all of those minigames. The game just ends after you do all of them since you basically get all of your pages back after doing so. I dunno, man. It's just a confusing and frustrating mess. It's a bit embarrassing to look back and think that I found some charm in this. I guess there is some in regards to the whole dream-like theming but it's not much, really. At least a session of finally playing the thing is a way to make that ill-directed mystique all come crumbling away.
I didn't even get an A for all of that effort.
The only real way to find out was to actually play the damn thing, I guess. And I'm pretty lucky to have kept my knowledge on this game from watching that fabled video so long ago, because if you don't have any sort of knowledge on what to do or any guide to go by then boy oh boy you are in for one HELL of a nightmare, as the title itself promises you. Immediately upon starting, you're cast into the game's main "hub" sort of area; the street stage. No indications, no instructions, out into the deep end with you to figure out just what the hell to do and what the hell is going on before you get killed by everything going on all at once. You better get used to this place, too, as you're going to be here very often, and for a long while. The main thing you're supposed to do here is search out for one of the pages you've lost. Jumping onto one of them will send you into one of the many assortments of frustratingly designed minigames you need to complete in order to retrieve the page from them, and in turn, progress through the game. The real kicker about this is that there isn't any sort of interval as to where or when they show up, and it's basically all up to luck as to when the game will relent and let you forward. You could spend numerous minutes just wandering about in the street stage doing fuck all because the game doesn't seem keen on letting you into another minigame even if you've been struggling here for like 20 goddamn minutes. Plus, you have a complete mess of things going on that you have to attempt to avoid in your desperation as well, and good luck with that with a stiff control scheme like this. Your main life source (the Z's at the top of the screen) in the minigames is, for some reason, your health here. Depending on how spiteful the game is feeling at the moment, your Z's could end up getting very easily whittled away through how much you have to endure. The weird spinning heads rapidly spawn and can very easily swarm you and prevent means over or around them. You could get caught by a fairy Lisa or a puddle of mud and be left incredibly vulnerable. The bus could run you down as you're trying to maneuver to the other side of the street. Hell, a whole TROVE of things can be obscured by the trees in the foreground, essentially periodically blinding you if you're on the lower side. I'm trying to get the the next minigame, goddammit! Why do I have to deal with all of this?! I could even try to replenish my Z's by using my bubblegum to send them towards my bar, but ooooh watch out! You gotta do that in the middle of the screen, or else the extra Z you just got that you used a scarce item on will just flat out miss the Z bar and go past. Literally everything just hates you here, I suppose.
Don't get your hopes up if you reach one of the minigames, though. The main events of the game are all really terrible in their own ways. You only get a choice between two of them, I guess, so pick your poison when you get the chance. The purple door is definitely the most tolerable one, since it's the easiest. You're swimming around in a sort of microscopic area and getting rid of amoeba-like creatures as you try to run into some atom person several times. I believe the only real threat here is the guys who throw the grenades so there isn't much to worry about.
The blue door however, is where the minigames I talk about start to shift into uncomfortable and unfair territory. Here you're flying around some very hostile skies armed with only a slingshot. Your slow movement and the fact that you can only shoot forwards should send you some bad signs already. Whole assaults of missiles and paper airplanes show the issues with your control scheme as you could just be unable to shoot anything out of the way or even avoid them. This is a whole lot more apparent on the bosses though, as they frequently move out of your range and send out projectiles that you can't feasibly avoid due to how damn slow you are. Special mention to the blimp boss due to their projectiles being nigh impossible to dodge and deal damage equal to HALF OF YOUR HEALTH. And it's very fun how that's the only boss that appears TWICE. Really appreciate having the boss that can quickly melt through your lives be the only once with multiple encounters. This minigame could've had potential if your movement wasn't so sluggish or it was built around the direction of your shots, but I dunno what I'm doing asking for this out of Bart's Nightmare of all things.
The next three doors all have two rounds each with one page for each respective round, so get ready. The yellow door sends you directly into an episode of the in universe cartoon, Itchy and Scratchy. I'm not quite sure how you progress here but my best guess is to keep taking out as many enemies as you can. Camping around some corner with the hammer is the most tolerable way to handle the enemies, as wandering around anywhere else makes you susceptible to numerous things being flung at you. The projectile weapons, however, are extremely unwieldly due to the hit detection on them being very awkwardly small. You could miss what you're trying to hit several times and get instantly killed by a vacuum cleaner due to how specific the hitbox on them is. Oh yeah, anything fire or explosion related instantly kills you for some reason. Fun! Sure is easy to avoid that happening when you're desperately slipping around the place.
The green door is where this nightmare starts to get mean. Here you become a kaiju and begin to rampage through a city while military forces are assaulting you at every angle. Practically every button on the controller has an attack for all sorts of different angles, it's very confusing and disorienting. For example, helicopters require you to shoot a fireball straight forward. Tanks require you to shoot a laser diagonally towards the ground. Jets require you to shoot a laser straight forward, don't get this confused with a fireball straight forward since those apparently don't reach the jets in particular. All of the other angles you can attack in don't hit anything that can threaten you so it's easier to focus on those 3. Well, it would be easier to focus on those 3 if anything coming in for an attack will fire out something almost immediately after coming in your range, seriously the margin for error for the tank especially is disgustingly small. Doesn't help that your health is pretty much invisible here as well. The second round of this minigame has you climbing up a building in a much smaller form, and it's a bit more tolerable but not by much. Hooray, it's another minigame with awful controls! The main issue with this one now is that every input you make is unbelievably delayed. You barely have any time to react to anything being thrown at you or you just can't even do anything in time at all. If your in the middle of a movement animation, you're stuck like that until it finishes. This makes for numerous aggravating situations where you get smacked down over and over by things out of your control.
And finally we have the orange door, and it's unfortunately the most convoluted of them all. Your invading a temple and need to jump around stone platforms to reach the end. What you desperately need to know here is that you need to avoid platforms low enough that they emit flames, but this is never explained in any sort of way so thanks I guess. Even when knowing this you can still get a very annoying roadblock in the form of all 4 platforms forward being at the lowest point. There's a whole gimmick that goes on here about platforms rising and falling as you step on them but that's just an annoying goose chase jumping around until you get the way forward to rise. This minigame you have to do twice with no real difference, so I hope you find out what to do quickly.
All you really have to do is finish all of those minigames. The game just ends after you do all of them since you basically get all of your pages back after doing so. I dunno, man. It's just a confusing and frustrating mess. It's a bit embarrassing to look back and think that I found some charm in this. I guess there is some in regards to the whole dream-like theming but it's not much, really. At least a session of finally playing the thing is a way to make that ill-directed mystique all come crumbling away.
I didn't even get an A for all of that effort.
1991
Really annoying. I can't speak on whatever experience you could have in the preset world since I used a random world, but this game really enjoys throwing random bullshit at you with not many feasible ways to get away from, especially on the later floors. The enemies basically range from annoying to "you are basically dead if you encounter this" and those deadly enemies can just completely block your way as well! The only way to escape some of the Turbo Fuck™ enemies are to make use of the items you collect, which you have no clue of what they do until you use them, but and they can hurt you too, even outright killing you in some cases. And thankfully the collection I played this on had a fast-forward feature since game is pretty slow too. Your movement speed paired with how elevators and ship parts can be very far from the start of each floor can make the game a real slog to play.
Also I remember getting a quicksand covered floor with multiple ice cream trucks swarming me all at once and I can't say I was happy with that experience.
Also I remember getting a quicksand covered floor with multiple ice cream trucks swarming me all at once and I can't say I was happy with that experience.