I'm tired.

Let's play armchair game designer, because lord knows we don't have enough of them on here.

Before you can run, you must walk, and boy does Nathan Graves enjoy walking. Nathan just adores going on a stroll in Camilla's castle while his master's getting his toenails ripped off in preparation for being slaughtered in a satanic ritual. Mr. Graves wouldn't know how to run even if I slapped his dump truck ass with the world's most painful block of wood. It's a godsend that Camilla's basement houses the very shoes he needs to be able to find the joys of exercise again after he forgot how to sprint when Count Dankula played his Trap Hole card in the introduction scene. One must wonder how long it would've taken if Drac's minions didn't make such a fuck up as to leave shoes for Mr. Graves to wear for his aching strolling feet. Even with these shoes Nathan only knows how to barrel forward with wanton disregard for his own being. Alucard had it figured out already, just run with care. That's all you gotta do. For Nathan though? Only two speeds exist. Tortoise, and drunken hare riding on a Kawasaki Ninja.

The input for running in this game is bad enough with requiring me to dash dance on the dpad and kill my thumbs, but Nathan's whip attack is noticeably sluggish compared to past Classicvania outings. It may not be noticeable at first, but try ducking and whipping and go back to playing as Simon in any of the past games and you'll definitely feel it. Nathan can jump like a stiff pong paddle and can even wall jump, and trust me I'm proud of him for being able to do so, but he should stick to his day job. Wall jumping in this is automated for at least two seconds as Nathan pauses on the wall and propels himself into the direction of enemy fire that sends him careening back down the pit that he was trying to make his way up from. You will encounter this scenario a lot, I assure you, especially with Circle of the Moon's obsession with slap dashing Armor enemies everywhere with annoying attacks that can bop you from the other side of the screen. No joke, I had a moment where I thought I was hitting an Ice Armor enemy in the underground waterway safely, only to get a very pleasant surprise in the form of another spear flying from off screen and stabbing me through the adam's apple thanks to the second Ice Armor that was behind him.

The primary system is collecting some shitty Yu-Gi-Oh cards and playing Blackjack with yourself to combine two of them and give yourself some form of power up, which could range from boring effects like your whip getting an elemental bonus, or actual cool shit like turning into a bone-throwing skeleton that dies in one hit. Unfortunately, the card for turning into a glass jawed skeleton is about 95% into the game and requires killing a very specific candle enemy that requires backtracking to a who-gives-a-shit area, and kindly asking it to drop the damn card sometime this week. This is where I get to bitch about the worst part of Circle of the Moon besides Nathan's completely useless movement, and it's the outrageous drop rates. That card that I'd need for the aforementioned skeleton transformation? The drop rate is zero point four fuckin' percent. That doesn't just effect the cards either. Health items? What are those?!

Seriously, I went for hours playing this game and didn't think healing was even a thing in Circle of the Moon besides the absurdly paltry potions that give a measly 20 hit points back, or getting to one of the sparse save points that fully heals you. Hell, you don't even get healed after boss fights. I beat probably six bosses before a piece of meat suddenly dropped from an enemy, where I double-taked and went back just to stare at it for a while. There is not a shop to speak of either, shopkeepers aren't welcome in Circle of the Moon. No buyable health items for you to help with the horrendous onslaught of tedium, but you can go ahead and enjoy all those completely useless armors you get to lug around on your person. Sure is a hard game we got here, would be nice if I could have some items, but Dracula is against formal goods trading.

Circle of the Moon is about inconvenience. It inconveniences you with movement that isn't convenient for the challenge that is set up for you as it would be for past entries. The only way to make your pathetic movement less inconvenient is to find cards inconveniently hidden away in an unknown enemy's back pocket that could potentially make certain encounters flat out trivial, like the normally problematic ice element in the underground waterway, or Dracula's nigh-impossible to dodge meteor attack in the final battle. It's all an inconvenient excuse to grind if you lack information, which this game inconveniently gives you none assuming you're not playing the Advance Collection version, which was the only convenient bit from my experience. Thanks M2.

It took me about three months to finish the save file I started on the Advance Collection a ways back after I completed Harmony of Dissonance and it's toilet noises, and it's mindbogglingly to me to realize that it was around last Christmas that I replayed and finished Aria of Sorrow again on the same collection. It wasn't necessarily a skill issue, it was a thumb issue from the horrendous dash input, and my complete apathy to this game's entire philosophy of wanting to train me on it's solitaire system only for the battle arena to give me the middle finger, and take that same system away in the ultimate show of disrespectful inconvenience. It was optional, sure, but it's existence is more than enough to make me want to transition into a volcanic state. It was even more aggravating to find out that Konami apparently bumped the experience requirements up for the western releases, thus demanding me to update the list for all the times they fucked us in the ass. I needed a lot of Picross breaks, and apparently a detour to that Peach game I didn't care about.

It kinda goes without saying, but the thought of replaying this on original hardware with the bad GBA screen, no suspend save, or in-game overlay hints of what enemies are carrying cards is less appealing to me than taking an epilator to my ballsack. I'll give it a pity star for Dracula's final boss design, I guess. I guess.

Thus concludes armchair game designer session, if you enjoyed what you've read, please like, comment, subscribe, ring the dingaling, and maybe sing me a nice song.

I'm going to bed now. Goodnight.

hoooooonkmimimimimi.

+Nathan Graves dump truck ass
+Rakugakids reference
+Yo Camilla call me
+Proof of Blood

-Nathan Graves dump truck ass
-Sinking Old Sanctuary?! More like Stinking Old Sanctuary!
-Why is my hair not as nice as Hugh's
-Where's my burrito

Ah, the infamous Yakuza 3. Considered by many to be the worst game in the series, and it's easy to see why. Modern players who probably started with 0 and then full remakes of 1 and 2 are suddenly dropped into a slapdash remaster of an early PS3 game. And while they probably expected a less refined experience, they started a boss fight and proceeded to experience more blocks then a Lego enthusiast on a coke binge.

To start off, no, the game and enemy AI is not supposed to function like that. If you don't know, the remaster changed the game from it's original 30fps to 60fps, while not changing things in the combat tied to said framerate, which leads to losing heat incredibly fast the infamous blockuza 3 gameplay the game's become known for. I will say that while the combat at first sucks balls, once you get more moves it goes from annoying to tolerable. The games setpieces where you take down dozens of goons at once still feel great, but the bosses are where the flaws in the remaster really show (seriously, what the fuck was with Lau?) and generally aren't even that hard, more just annoying endurance tests as you try (and fail) to land a single string of hits to the boss as they keep their guard up for like 70% of the fight. But most of the new things Yakuza 3 introduces gameplay wise, I didn't care for. With the exception of karaoke which originally started here, most things were just kind of annoying. Especially chase missions, they were specifically the worst.

But that's enough about the gameplay, because the real selling point of this game is the plot. And god damn, the story's great. The general small town vibe of Okinawa and the orphanage is a great place to start the game, and seeing genuine growth for Kiryu as you help the kids is just really charming, and you quickly learn the kids personalities and relationships through the little quests. It's also great seeing Haruka become the sister that ties everything together. Not to mention the new characters like Rikiya and Mikio, who are also just really solid bros. Yep I got emotional during those scenes near the end.

And the plot is probably my favorite since 0. 1 felt like a standard crime drama that was slightly goofy in places, but still showed a couple growing pains from being the first one. And 2 had a shit romance subplot that didn't lead anywhere, I LOVE FORCING TWO CHARACTERS OF THE OPPOSITE GENDER TOGETHER TRULY. But anyway, the gang warfare was great, all the new captains were great as well, with Kanda being a really enjoyable scumbag, and Mine being a great foil to Kiryu, even if I wish there were a few more scenes expanding on that aspect besides a short flashback, and would have preferred if the game didn't go the 'redemption means death' route at the end. Also thought the CIA stuff was just kind of forced in at times, like they had the plot for another Yakuza game, realized it wouldn't work, and crammed them in here because the CIA guys with guns are really cool okay?

But while the main story is great, the side stories are just kind of...lame. Besides the ones that were continuations of Y2 side stories like the two comedians and the honeymoon couple, I just found the them underwhelming. Several feel like they're about to lead somewhere after antagonizing Kiryu and then just...don't? Like one where a guy leads Kiryu into an alley and tries to mug him, Kiryu beats him up, and then the substory ends. It takes like 3 minutes to do and doesn't lead to anything else. As I'm writing this I struggle to think of any really memorable side stuff besides the murder mystery quest and the urban legends of Okinawa.

But if this review is, for some reason, the deciding factor in whether to play Y3 or skip it like some say you should, I'd say give it a try. The story is good enough to forgive weak gameplay, even if I do recommend not going above normal difficulty, Kiryu's growth here is excellent, the world is charming, and it left me satisfied at the end. If not for how much the remaster screwed the combat up, it'd probably be above Kiwami 1 for me.

(or just wait for that Yakuza 3 Kiwami that's getting announced any minute now...

any minute...

trust me guys)

As far as atari2600 games go, this isn't that bad!
I expected a barely playable mess and not being able to finish a single level, but once I realized that I couldn't aim directly at objects (like the super bomb) with the web I had a way easier time.

The best part of the game is the diagonal web swing physics, I was impressed with that (sure it's a low bar but it's atari). The game as a whole is quite fun, and I wouldn't be disappointed if I had bought it at the time when it released.

Oh and one last thing, everytime spiderman ate shit on the floor I just couldn't stop laughing. That crunchy sound is perfect.