Have you ever known someone who, at one point, you used to be really good friends with, but then out of nowhere they just… start to suck? Like, they become incredibly irritating to be around, become a massive asshole, or in the worst case scenario, did something horrible to where you can no longer comfortably associate yourselves with them. Then after you and everyone else distances themselves from them, they then try to do better, and by that, I mean they REALLY try, either by improving themselves or trying to make up for their past actions, and you can really see the effort they are putting in, to a degree, but at that point, the damage has already been done, and you kinda can’t trust them again. That is essentially how I would describe how I feel about The Simpsons video games at this point. Yeah, you all know the drill by now, it is The Simpsons: Bart & the Beanstalk.

At this point, they are REALLY stretching when it comes to whatever game they can shove Bart and the other Simpson characters into. I mean, we had an alien invasion game, one that takes place in a dream, one that is in American Gladiators, and one that takes place in a camp, so after all that and the several others I didn’t mention, where do we go from there? Why, a retelling of Jack & the Beanstalk, of course! Only an IDIOT would suspect anything else, really. But anyway, as you could expect, I was not looking forward to this game whatsoever, but I figured I would get it out of the way so I can go back to playing good games again, and from what I did play, I will give it this: it is the best of these bad Simpsons games so far. Nevertheless, it is still bad, not to the point of blinding rage like Bart’s Nightmare or Escape from Camp Deadly, but more so to the point of… I just don’t care, and I wish I could feel happiness again.

The story is… well, it’s Jack & the Beanstalk but with Simpsons characters, which is a fine enough plot for one of these games, and if you somehow don’t know the story of Jack & the Beanstalk, go read a book for once in your life… you know, after you are done reading this review, that is. The graphics are Game Boy graphics, but I will give it this, the sprite work for the characters, environments, and enemies/bosses are very well done, being a massive jump in quality from Camp Deadly, but not to where I would say it is one of the best looking games on the system, the music is somewhat good, with a nice main theme that is enjoyable to listen to, but once again, we have returned to having only one or two music tracks playing throughout the entire game, and it gets very annoying to listen to after a while, and the gameplay/control is about as great as watching the grass grow, and if you are not one who enjoys the immense pleasure one can get from watching a blade grow from the ground like that, then you probably have good taste and would rather play something else.

The game is a 2D platformer, where you take control of someone you definitely have never played as in any other Simpsons game before……… Bart, go through a set of seven different levels through various environments you would expect to see from Jack & the Beanstalk, defeat plenty of enemies with your trusty slingshot that is about as reliable as using a drill to hammer a nail, gather plenty of coins to help you proceed through the level, while also sometimes healing yourself because money truly does heal all wounds, and take on several bosses that are about as fun to fight as it is to pay your taxes just one day before they are due………… can you tell that I am having trouble describing how boring this game is? It is a very, VERY standard platformer, one that does work well enough, but it doesn’t nearly do anything all that exciting or fun to make you want to play it over any other platformer that you can find on the Game Boy. I will give it this though… it does at least have one or two interesting ideas here and there.

Given how the game is themed around Jack & the Beanstalk, not only are the levels themed around the locations and hazards you would typically find in that setting, but also the level objectives as well. While it is still primarily about getting to the end of the stage most of the time, a lot of the stages do require you to collect a certain amount of coins before you are able to proceed forward to the boss or the next level, and at least one of them requires you to collect specific treasures as well. In a lot of cases, this could be seen as completely unnecessary, and it’s just meant to waste your time, which is completely accurate, but to be fair, it does offer a bit more complexity than just “hold right and jump to win”, and you are encouraged to explore all of the levels to find all the coins needed to proceed forward. Not to mention, there are some levels that are pretty creative themselves, such as one level that has you jumping from lump after lump floating around in the giant’s soup. It isn’t much, but hey, little things like that are worth appreciating.

Unfortunately though, there’s not much else to be found here that I can say the same for. It is about as barebones and basic as you can get for a platformer in most other circumstances, and while it can sometimes be challenging and throw a lot of bullshit at you, it is mostly just one big snoozefest, one that is over in about 20 minutes, but one that feels like it lasts for an eternity at the same time. A lot of the said challenges and bullshit that I just mentioned can primarily be found in the last two levels, both of which are auto scrollers, and are easily the worst part of the game. These levels have you running away from Homer the Giant by running through a level you had previously played backwards, and one where you are parachuting down the beanstalk in order to chop it down, and doing both of these things is definitely easier said than done.

The first one isn’t that bad, with there being some pretty tight jumps and questionable programming decisions made all over the place, but nothing you can’t beat, while the last level feels absolutely abysmal to play, as you need perfect precision to make it through while the screen is scrolling at a million miles an hour, and it feels practically impossible to get through without getting hit by at least one thing, since you are given so little time to move around and adjust yourself before needing to focus on not getting held up to where Homer can catch you. Thankfully, these stages don’t last that long at all, and you don’t need to collect a certain coin amount to beat them either, because otherwise, they would probably have made me quit due to that factor alone.

Overall, despite some bad stages and some slight changes at progression that I can somewhat appreciate, there is nothing here that makes this Simpsons game stand out from the others aside from its theme, and it is one of the most boring platformers that I have played in recent memory. Yes, it is definitely the best of these poorly made Simpsons games that I have played by far, but I can’t really give it much credit for anything else when it does nothing to warrant any more praise other then “It exists, I guess.” I would only recommend it for those who somehow like any of the other bad Simpsons games that we have discussed so far, because if you are able to somehow stomach any of those other terrible games, then this one will probably be a masterpiece to you by comparison. Hell, I bet you that there is probably a Jack & the Beanstalk game out there that is probably ten times better than this game that you could check out instead………… I’m not gonna look it up to see if there is for myself, but hey, it is a possibility.

Game #562