Hey there, kids, did you know? Drugs, believe it or not, are BAD, and if you haven’t figured that out yet, there will be plenty of people, organizations, and pieces of media that will be there to remind you about it, even if you are already well aware that drugs are bad. Drug PSAs have been around for the longest time, taking on many different forms, and always telling their message in a different way, whether in a way that is actually effective and could possibly even scar you into following the message, or ones that just… have PeeWee Herman showing you what crack is. There have also been plenty of products that have been sold out to the masses that will make sure to remind you that drugs are bad, and while their message is clear and concise, as it should be, at the same time, they will most likely forget to make the product behind the message actually good, diminishing the meaning of said message entirely. Such as the case with today’s subject, Wally Bear and the NO! Gang.

When you get a look as to what kind of character Wally Bear is, you pretty much know exactly what you are going to get out of him. An anthropomorphic “cool” animal character, accompanied by plenty of other similar characters, whose entire purpose is to tell the audience that drugs and alcohol are bad, while preventing anyone else from pushing it onto them. Obviously, this could be seen as a good way of teaching younger audiences that drugs and alcohol are bad, while also keeping them engaged enough to the point where they will actually take the lessons to heart later in the future. Unfortunetly, not only are the lessons delivered in the most half-assed manner possible, but the game that was made around these lessons also fucking sucks. It is one of the most bare-bones, poorly put together platformers that I have seen for the system at all, with almost no redeeming quality to it other than the fact that it exists at all.

The story is about Wally Bear going to his uncle’s house for a party (definitely doesn’t sound creepy at all), but along the way, there are plenty of other smaller stories involving substances, just to remind the player what kind of game they are playing, the graphics are awful, not only showing hideous sprites for most of the characters, but also having some of the worst looking environments and repeated locations I’ve ever seen for an NES game, the music is a collection of the most repetitive, unenjoyable, unemotional tracks ever put onto a game for this system, and I’m not expecting anything on the same level as a Mega Man soundtrack, but come on, you can do better then this, the control is fine, for the most part, although I’d say your default speed is a little too slow, and the traction on your movement can be pretty horrendous at points, and the gameplay is what you would expect from a cheap NES title, mixed with a pinch of bullshit, along with a heap of meaningless messages.

The game is your typical 2D side-scrolling platformer, where you take control of Walley Bear, go through many exciting locations such as a city, a sewer, a neighborhood, and a subway, battle your way through ferocious beasts such as birds, dogs, rats, snakes, lizards, and so on, gathering several power-ups along the way to assist you in your quest to get to that very important party, and… that is about it. Yeah, I wasn’t expecting much from this anyway, but this is a very bare-bones platformer, with nothing too interesting or inventive to make it seem all that noteworthy. I guess there are somethings that make it somewhat more interesting, like a frisbee powerup you can get, and skateboards that can make you go faster, but that is about it.

So, there are two areas we need to properly judge this on: as a game, and as a drug PSA. As a game, it is complete dogshit. Like I already mentioned, there is nothing that makes this noteworthy or interesting when compared to the many, MANY, other platformers out there at the time, and despite the fact that it can be beaten in about 10 minutes, it is an excruciating 10 minutes to be sure. Not only does your movement speed range from that of a slug to being somewhat uncontrollable, but the obstacles become quite a big hazard, with enemies placed everywhere you look, and while most of them are easy to avoid, one enemy in particular makes even just walking to the right a major gamble… the birds/bats. These appear EVERYWHERE throughout the game, constantly flying from left to right, or vice versa, swooping up or down in anyway they wish, and needless to say, they will be the cause of most of your deaths in the game, whether by actually hitting you themselves, or being positioned to a point where you have no choice to collide with another enemy or a pit. There are other instances where enemies and platforming get needlessly difficult, but that is just the biggest example of it.

So, as a game, it is pretty terrible, but how does it do as a drug PSA? Well, it is somewhat better… but not by much. There are plenty of messages that are told to the player throughout the game, such as don’t take pills, don’t drink, don’t get in vans with strangers, and don’t steal, which is all cool and all, but none of these messages are implemented into the game organically. In between levels, you will run into another member of the NO! Gang, and they will be in some situation which calls upon Wally Bear to lecture the player on why these things are important, which is good, but it is more of a distraction rather then an important lesson. It’s like if you were playing an adventure game, but before every dungeon, the game takes a moment to tell you about why bullying is wrong and how to prevent school shootings. Not only is it completely out of place, but it leaves no impact on you whatsoever, other then thinking “Huh, ok… that was strange.”

Overall, while there were (very little) good intentions to be seen within the product itself, it not only fails at being a good game entirely, but it also fails at being a meaningful PSA, meant to be thrown into the pile of other meaningless PSAs to be forgotten overtime. Unless you have a knack for terrible, what-the-fuck products, then I don’t recommend that you check this out whatsoever, because it is not worth it at all… just like drugs. Drugs are bad, ladies and gentlemen, because the developers of this game were probably on drugs while making it, so we want to avoid mistakes like this from happening ever again… even though they definitely will.

Game #324