well the universe is shaped exactly like the earth

you walk a little farther, you will end up where you were

-- 'third planet' - isaac brock, frontman of modest mouse,
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there was a point where i was halfway between christmas and now when i asked myself why i kept playing on and on? why did it take me this long to stop? i wasn't expecting there to be a limited amount of areas to explore, isn't that the "point" of exploration games? the fact that i said that very word - point - is so fucking embarrassing, even with my limited knowledge of video games. the obvious out of the way, this game does not have a point; i get to explore one of the most beautiful worlds i've ever seen designed and just let my gut and heart be my guide, bumping into anything like a kid running away from his mom outside because there was something shiny in the distance. that is always bait for me, letting most of the barriers that hold back bursts of creativity and spontaneity loose. hell, this entire game perfectly emulates that sense of wonder that the kid who chased the light felt, running away from the grip of mommy's hand to feel the beauty of defiance and freedom that slips away far too soon

but the light will go out, and then what will i be chasing after?

the next day after the halfway point, there was a moment where i came across a pit that i jumped in and, sure enough, died and came back as if it was nothing. i kept doing this over and over again every time i ended up there, until one day, i bumped into a wall, and landed me in a floating island, and most jarring of all, there was none of the bounce of the chillout rush in the form of the music playing, and i just stood there, looking at the screen, realizing i was in my room again; night was settling in and all felt still

the next days were shadowed by that feeling; for all i could know, i was basically doing what i do on my walks outdoors or times when i am doing absolutely nothing as a rush of nameless people, weird colors on different walls and areas of nature, and the soundtrack bubbling around my world. the lines between the game and my life forced me to confront how longer would all of this go on? existential dread only amplified here not just from what i mentioned before, but the very fabric of its concept as a game with no goal, no battles, nothing of what i am used to when it comes to how i perceive this medium making me ask why i continue the journey

it's like that with a lot of childhood games, ain't it? animal crossing, pokemon; you can put so many hours into them and at a certain point, you get bored and buy the next thing from gamestop or steam. but those funny people on the screen...their lives extend deeper then how much one would usually engage with them like texting someone who won't message back and hasn't for many months or even years. mechanics meant to keep you entertained and coming back to the game as much as you can until turn it off, look at your computer screen and say "hey...were those wrinkles on my face there before?"

and for all the better, for all the ways our constructions and interpretations of time vary and show up in our logs, i feel extremely blessed for a game this silly and nonsensical to remind me why i play the game until the flatline closed the curtains, game over not a sign of defeat, but of peace