(Consider this an entry for PC and console, as I've put similar amounts of time into both versions)

Planet Coaster hurt me. It raised me up and then brought me back down. At my highest moment, it dug the poisoned knife into my back. It fucked my sister and ate all my Oreos.

Because I spent hours, HOURS having a blast with this game - designing roller coasters and laying out my park and then as soon as I start laying significant amounts of pathing down, as soon as I start letting just a few visitors in - BOOM, there goes the framerate. Now chugging along every time I'm even remotely zoomed out for the rest of my experience. Framerate is not exactly the most important thing for a game like this, but MAN it boiled my piss. This is a nice-ass looking game, and a large part of its appeal is designing a theme park that you can just sit back and watch and appreciate in motion! By, y'know, looking at it! And taking in all the detail of what you've created! After hours of investment, I felt my experience seriously dampened once I began laying down the pathing and it suddenly started looking like my Xbox was gonna explode.

The console version suffers from framerate issues (even on current-gen consoles) and the PC version suffers from absolutely refusing to tutorialise itself in any helpful way. And it's a shame because this game is brilliant at what it sets out to do. Having grown up with Theme Park World on the PS1, I had a sudden hankering for the closest thing a few weeks back and yeah - this has all the spirit and charm of that game and then some! It's a seriously sophisticated simulator and theme park builder with tons of customisation options and some really impressive and advanced terraforming.

Initially I found building a roller coaster without a fear or nausea rating too high a bit frustrating (largely bc the game didn't teach me anything about it on PC at all) but once I watched some videos and got over the hump I found it really quite satisfying, to be given the tools to build something super unique but still realistic. The game has a lot of personality too - great, chill music, pretty funny and charming building and mascot design. Fundamentally, it's great! And surely the best game of its kind on the market right now.

But its commitment to realism will frustrate some less patient players. Meeting the requirements of a realistic roller coaster is one thing, but I think having to build and organise staff rotas around your services may be a bit much. I wanna build a theme park bro, when I make a smoothie stand I wanna just plop an employee in there, forget about him and get back to building Mickey's Dick Smasher - I don't wanna have to think about his fuckin' WORK HOURS and organise people's SHIFTS and set up STAFF BUILDINGS for them all to ROTATE IN AND OUT OF and RELAX and shit. And then there's stuff like setting up and organising your own marketing campaign too? I mean, props to them for the level of detail - shit is insane and will undoubtedly be some people's wet dream, but I was pretty content in building some sick-ass rides, watching people ride them (in 20fps when zoomed-out) and getting out. All that other stuff isn't really for me - especially when it comes to decorating your park and making it look nice. I'm clueless. I'm a genius thrill ride architect!! Not a fuckin' exterior designer!!

I had a good time with Planet Coaster, but its poor tutorialisation made it a struggle to get into, and its framerate issues (on console) have made me a bit demotivated to go back. Maybe I will return one day, but I still ain't making a fuckin work rota. Just serve smoothies for me all day for less than minimum wage bro wtf

Reviewed on Oct 11, 2023


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