Bro I am a yuge freaking Dragon Quest mark, bro. I bought Dragon Quest XI twice because the Amazon deliveryman was taking too long to deliver the physical version I preordered. Dragon Quest VIII helped me through not one, but two very rough times in my life. I actively have to fight back tears whenever I hear the Overture. I'm an apologist for pretty much everything people criticize about the series. I can't make apologies for a game that just straight up doesn't fucking work, though.

Dragon Quest Swords looks nice and has a charming enough premise, but the motion controls are so inaccurate and unreliable that it feels like the game is against you at all times. You can thrust all you want, you're getting a horizontal slash. Wanted a horizontal slash? You're getting a fucking thrust and you're going to like it. Simple vertical slashes? Never heard of them, you're getting a diagonal and the group of enemies you were trying to attack with them are going to run away and it'll affect your ranking. That a game with controls this bad has the gall to judge you on your performance is so infuriating it lacks a further expletive. I'll return the favor by judging this as a bad cash-in for the then-wildly popular Nintendo console and playing some fuckin' Boom Blox instead.