ive been trudging through konamis assortment of licensed 90s beat em ups and finding them less than revelatory given their stature. my assumption here is that in the same way memory can redefine space and sound, it kind of lends to a transformative aspect of play. broadly speaking x-men, the simpsons, and turtles in time are all one dimensional beat em ups in several ways. the operative strategy is to play as an outfighter and stuff every option an opponent might throw at you with careful jabs. enemy AI is usually homogenous with little to differentiate their behavior aside from the attacks that they use. player characters' kits are fickle, sometimes bordering on unresponsive (ie throws in turtles in time), and lack any discernible crunch or impact when attacking. movesets between those characters are often quite limited or extremely comparable. the design as a whole across all three titles is bent towards highway robbery, with excessive damage, stages that are far too long, limited enemy patterns, and annoying bosses all constituting the core of a game that demands money more than it does time. they're not good beat em ups, certainly not when compared to many of their arcade contemporaries, but they've managed to endure, id wager, largely because of their simplicity. it's difficult for me to say it's worth it given that games like these have largely contributed to the widely-prevalent stigma against arcade design: their overexposure means one can too easily stake an arrogant claim that this was an era in gaming entirely defined by quarter feeding, ignoring that the best games of this type can be consistently overcome frugally with practice, diligence, and community consultation (something that seems less and less true, or at the very least obscenely inconsistent with konamis library here). but by focusing largely on easily understood aesthetics and offering convenience of co-operative play, these games have anchored their position as history, and, for many comprise some of the most notable entries in the genres canon. you only need to listen to the way people talk about them to get a sense for why, their eyes will glaze over and they'll think about how them and three other friends got together to take down shredder after saving quarters for a few months. maybe throw in a pizza too, or something. because it's not about the game, and it never was. theyre beat em ups for the crowd, in that sense. the way of the road for many of these arcade genres is that the flashiest and most easily understood will be remembered regardless of quality; those aesthetic virtues lend themselves to ease of recall (it's the nostalgia/brand loyalty thing again). it's why konamis licensed beat em ups, and contemporary games like scott pilgrim and castle crashers, are still some of the most popular games in the genre, not really for people who are actually devoted to the genre but instead for the layperson. you'll see this in other genres that have made the transition to the home console market (dead space extraction is an example of something id call a rail shooter for non-rail shooter fans) and there's nothing wrong with that per se. would i ruin some shitkid brats day out with his peers by telling him to be playing streets of rage or final fight instead? i mean, it's so goddamn tempting, but it doesn't matter so much, really. so few of us end up becoming invested in these kinds of things that it's better to just focus on the present. commitment to art over people can sabotage some good times.

so it fills me with great irrational joy that the konami beat em up closest to being competent is also the one based on an IP i have a lot of fondness and childhood nostalgia for! i read a lot of asterix and obelix as a kid and had no idea this game existed until recently but it's a crowd-pleaser executed in top form, and i would have gladly played the hell out of this if i was younger. whether intentionally or not much has been done to ameliorate the annoyances and quirks of konamis patent formula by offering two characters who feel distinct in kit and expression; it funnels you from varied stage to varied stage in rapid pace; it has like, actual mechanics, or at least an attempt at actual mechanics; and as far as konamis fanservice stylings go this is easily the best translation of the bunch. x-men looked kind of muddy, simpsons looks washed out, but asterix meanwhile represents such a ridiculously accurate and loving rendition of albert uderzos art (including all the ethnic stereotypes/racism!) and im simply at a loss for how it was accomplished. just a joy for people familiar with this body of work, i had the widest grin imaginable when i saw the first boss was a roman phalanx cowering behind their mass of shields. and of course, it all ends with a village feast (get owned, cacofonix). no better genre for that indomitable gaul spirit than a beat em up, just casually strolling around as obelix slapping the tar out of roman centurions. now i just need a good tintin game and im set

i have been 'down bad' for cleopatra, since my impetuous youth,