I’m probably underqualified to rate Splatoon 3, but a lack of intelligence has never stopped anyone on the internet before so here goes. This review is most helpful for a Splatoon newbie.
The theming and aesthetic of Splatoon both make me cringe so hard I turn inside out. The resulting hospital bills have been ugly, but worth it to play a unique first person shooter. The concept is a breath of fresh (oh god why did I say that) air for an otherwise stale genre. I love robust objective-based shooter modes, probably from my childhood Halo days, and Splatoon is all objective-based. It makes every game mode unique, and I appreciate that. There are entire weapon classes in Splatoon which can only exist in this game. You won’t mistake it for CoD or BF, that’s for sure. I genuinely enjoy this different take on the genre.
That difference, and the related Nintendo flair, require players to accept a lot of weird stuff which players can see as a positive or a negative, like the 2-map rotation system (I actually like this, at least this early in my time with the game), complete necessity of gyro controls (also a plus for me in aggregate, and an idiosyncratic feature of a Switch-only shooter), or RNG/locked loadout selections (why on earth would they do this, just balance your game better). Some stuff is outright bad, like the servers and matchmaking system, which frequently breaks in a 4-minute game session and pairs brand-new players against 1000-hour veterans. Both are unacceptable. This game also has an extremely steep learning curve in your first 10ish hours, which Splatoon solves by doing literally nothing whatsoever lol. You sink or swim. Play the single player first, as the multiplayer provides 0 training wheels. My hunch is the connectivity issues also prevent this game from having more in-depth game modes. However, I also know many of these shortcomings are somehow actually QoL improvements over previous iterations—I played a bit of Splatoon 2 which had atrocious matchmaking systems, so many things are a step up from that baseline. Other features are downright laudable—Splatoon is maybe a bit light on content, but is also a full-fledged AAA FPS without a battle pass or other micro transaction farm built in to further scalp players, and is a complete game which doesn’t happen often in 2022.
In the end, what matters is how fun the game is to play. Splatoon is a multiplayer-first experience, and that experience is largely fun (though my review of it is a work in progress). Beyond the matchmaking hell you see when starting out, the array of weapons and their respective gameplay styles are great. I’ve stuck to Turf Wars so far, and it’s fun! Big swings can happen in a short game, and players can find creative ways to make an impact. I’m not as big of a hater on the map designs in 3 vs 2 as others—I actually think a more linear map style is better for this game in aggregate than the maps in 2, though it does hurt to get snowballed by the aforementioned veterans or a 4-stack and never leave your base. Luckily, the bite-sized game times mean I’m never so crushed by a loss that I stop playing, but can be thrilled to win. Basically, you always want to play more. Plus, it’s just fun. Frenetic gameplay, crazy plays can swing games, a huge skill ceiling capped off by a total lack of auto-aim make your best moments feel like you’re a god, etc. Splatoon is fun.
SINGLE PLAYER: it’s serviceable, if you approach it with the mindset of a tutorial. It exists to get you used to the Frankenstein control scheme which enables an FPS on the Switch. The campaign does this well! I was much less pathetic in online matches after running the campaign, and I found some fun new weapons I might like to unlock, so thank you Alterna. The bite-sized levels and choose-your-own-adventure-style progression allow you to try things you saw in your first Turf War which murdered you instantly. The single player is not, however, a compelling experience alone. I wouldn’t spend 10% of Splatoon’s sticker price for this campaign without other features. It is entirely a tutorial. The story is boilerplate, the acting/writing is bad, and the whole gameplay experience melts down the second a semi-traditional gameplay experience is attempted. The only time this happens in earnest is the final boss sequence, which is utterly horrible. You leave it wondering how the same dev house which made Super Mario Odyssey also made what you just played, and if that logical discrepancy was a result of a large-scale identity-theft scheme. It lays bare to the player that Splatoon is designed first and foremost for multiplayer games, which is where I will be spending 100% of the rest of my time with the game. Thank you, Gramps, and good riddance.
In sum… I dunno? You have to accept a lot of dumb stuff to play this game, but it’s the only place you can have this particular type of fun experience. None of the caveats are dealbreakers, and the positives are big ones.
EDIT: after playing the multiplayer pretty regularly for a month, I can confirm that it slaps. Weapon variety, fast paced and exciting game modes, the cool spectacle of splatfests, etc., etc. It’s everything I could want from a multiplayer mode I can jump into for 5 mins or 5 hours at a time, without the drawbacks of a modern F2P game (except the hosting issues and occasional matchmaking massacre). It is truly, very fun to play. I also can’t main a paint roller or windshield wiper in any other game, big monopoly on that market.
The theming and aesthetic of Splatoon both make me cringe so hard I turn inside out. The resulting hospital bills have been ugly, but worth it to play a unique first person shooter. The concept is a breath of fresh (oh god why did I say that) air for an otherwise stale genre. I love robust objective-based shooter modes, probably from my childhood Halo days, and Splatoon is all objective-based. It makes every game mode unique, and I appreciate that. There are entire weapon classes in Splatoon which can only exist in this game. You won’t mistake it for CoD or BF, that’s for sure. I genuinely enjoy this different take on the genre.
That difference, and the related Nintendo flair, require players to accept a lot of weird stuff which players can see as a positive or a negative, like the 2-map rotation system (I actually like this, at least this early in my time with the game), complete necessity of gyro controls (also a plus for me in aggregate, and an idiosyncratic feature of a Switch-only shooter), or RNG/locked loadout selections (why on earth would they do this, just balance your game better). Some stuff is outright bad, like the servers and matchmaking system, which frequently breaks in a 4-minute game session and pairs brand-new players against 1000-hour veterans. Both are unacceptable. This game also has an extremely steep learning curve in your first 10ish hours, which Splatoon solves by doing literally nothing whatsoever lol. You sink or swim. Play the single player first, as the multiplayer provides 0 training wheels. My hunch is the connectivity issues also prevent this game from having more in-depth game modes. However, I also know many of these shortcomings are somehow actually QoL improvements over previous iterations—I played a bit of Splatoon 2 which had atrocious matchmaking systems, so many things are a step up from that baseline. Other features are downright laudable—Splatoon is maybe a bit light on content, but is also a full-fledged AAA FPS without a battle pass or other micro transaction farm built in to further scalp players, and is a complete game which doesn’t happen often in 2022.
In the end, what matters is how fun the game is to play. Splatoon is a multiplayer-first experience, and that experience is largely fun (though my review of it is a work in progress). Beyond the matchmaking hell you see when starting out, the array of weapons and their respective gameplay styles are great. I’ve stuck to Turf Wars so far, and it’s fun! Big swings can happen in a short game, and players can find creative ways to make an impact. I’m not as big of a hater on the map designs in 3 vs 2 as others—I actually think a more linear map style is better for this game in aggregate than the maps in 2, though it does hurt to get snowballed by the aforementioned veterans or a 4-stack and never leave your base. Luckily, the bite-sized game times mean I’m never so crushed by a loss that I stop playing, but can be thrilled to win. Basically, you always want to play more. Plus, it’s just fun. Frenetic gameplay, crazy plays can swing games, a huge skill ceiling capped off by a total lack of auto-aim make your best moments feel like you’re a god, etc. Splatoon is fun.
SINGLE PLAYER: it’s serviceable, if you approach it with the mindset of a tutorial. It exists to get you used to the Frankenstein control scheme which enables an FPS on the Switch. The campaign does this well! I was much less pathetic in online matches after running the campaign, and I found some fun new weapons I might like to unlock, so thank you Alterna. The bite-sized levels and choose-your-own-adventure-style progression allow you to try things you saw in your first Turf War which murdered you instantly. The single player is not, however, a compelling experience alone. I wouldn’t spend 10% of Splatoon’s sticker price for this campaign without other features. It is entirely a tutorial. The story is boilerplate, the acting/writing is bad, and the whole gameplay experience melts down the second a semi-traditional gameplay experience is attempted. The only time this happens in earnest is the final boss sequence, which is utterly horrible. You leave it wondering how the same dev house which made Super Mario Odyssey also made what you just played, and if that logical discrepancy was a result of a large-scale identity-theft scheme. It lays bare to the player that Splatoon is designed first and foremost for multiplayer games, which is where I will be spending 100% of the rest of my time with the game. Thank you, Gramps, and good riddance.
In sum… I dunno? You have to accept a lot of dumb stuff to play this game, but it’s the only place you can have this particular type of fun experience. None of the caveats are dealbreakers, and the positives are big ones.
EDIT: after playing the multiplayer pretty regularly for a month, I can confirm that it slaps. Weapon variety, fast paced and exciting game modes, the cool spectacle of splatfests, etc., etc. It’s everything I could want from a multiplayer mode I can jump into for 5 mins or 5 hours at a time, without the drawbacks of a modern F2P game (except the hosting issues and occasional matchmaking massacre). It is truly, very fun to play. I also can’t main a paint roller or windshield wiper in any other game, big monopoly on that market.