So, Sonic Team were high as balls when they made these games, right? The first Sonic Adventure was a trip and a half and Sonic Adventure 2 is almost equally as wild. I mean, the game opens with an armed militia working for the US president attempting to arrest Sonic the Hedgehog - you know, the iconic, arrogant, blue anthropomorphic alien rodent with monstrous feet and hands the size of average human toddlers - and transport him back to their base via an attack chopper. That alone is staggering, but then Sonic escapes, somehow finds a surfboard and outsurfs a giant military truck down the streets of San Fransisco.

And the best part? None of this has ANY context until the second half of the game. No cutscene that really explains when Sonic was arrested, why the military are out in force or really who the hell these geezers with straight-up machine guns and advanced military technology are. That's just the first mission and the game's like, oh, I'm sorry. Is that too much for your little baby brain to handle? BUCKLE UP, SMALL FRY. SONIC THE HEDGEHOG DOESN'T DEAL IN COHESIVE STORYTELLING; HE DEALS IN ROCK MUSIC, SEX AND UNPAID SPEEDING TICKETS.