I dropped ‘Sonic Superstars’ less than an hour into it, because I got to a part where the physics didn’t make any sense to me. If you want a critique of Sonic Superstars, look elsewhere. I am not going to give a fair and balanced review of the game. I am going to offload my pent up rage toward society in the form of a faux analysis of ‘Sonic Superstars’, and you cannot stop me.
‘Sonic Superstars’ is the latest side-scrolling entry into the ‘Sonic the Hedgehog’ franchise. Similarly to ‘Sonic Mania’ before it, inspiration is drawn from the design seen in the early-1990s Genesis games, aka “The Good Ole Days”. I played ‘Sonic Mania’ and thought it was solid, then never played it again, forgetting everything about it. Needless to say, I don’t remember if ‘Sonic Mania’ was actually any better than the average ‘Sonic the Hedgehog’ game, or if I was merely craving a gimmick-free retro throwback to my times playing ‘Sonic the Hedgehog 2’ on my grandfather’s Sega Genesis. It has been six years since ‘Sonic Mania’ initially dropped, and Sonic has hit a bit of a multimedia renaissance since then. The children I work with seem to know Sonic purely as a character from the ‘Sonic the Hedgehog’ film franchise, and consider themselves fans of ‘Sonic the Hedgehog’, without having played a single ‘Sonic the Hedgehog’ video game. If I was given this information five years ago, I probably would have had increasingly dumb “kids these days”-type thoughts. But having the information now, I can only lament the reality of new ‘Sonic the Hedgehog’ enjoyers entering one of the most unhinged fandoms in all of media.
‘Sonic the Hedgehog’ no longer feels like a video game franchise to me. It advanced past that stage long ago. Despite never playing most of the games released after ‘Sonic Adventure 2’, I feel like it’s continued to be present in my brain. I know about each game released, and the drama surrounding them individually, but I haven’t played them. They exist less as video games and more as lore, fueling the eternal discourse surrounding Sega’s megalithic franchise. I’m not sure why I specifically chose to pick up ‘Sonic Superstars’, given my poor engagement with the franchise, but I can confirm it was a mistake to expect a new ‘Sonic the Hedgehog’ video game to make me feel happy.
Within the opening minutes, I was reminded of the unfortunate reality that Sonic’s speed is difficult to keep up with. As Sonic chastised many moons prior, I am too slow. But not in a physical sense. I have always been too slow to move like Sonic, but I was once able to process his speed. For various reasons, though mostly the process of aging, I am no longer able to read screen action as well as in the past. So when I’m immediately put in a situation where I take damage for moving faster than I can follow, multiple times, it kills my motivation to continue playing. This alone would have likely eventually led me to drop the game, but the nail in the coffin came in the third zone, when a wind storm began causing the platforms to tilt, and I couldn’t get Sonic to stop jumping horizontally into the abyss.
Maybe ‘Sonic the Hedgehog’ isn’t for me anymore. I did not have any drive to keep up with what was happening in front of me, and the decision to stop playing was far easier than it has ever been for me to drop a game that I wasn’t just intending to “mess around with”. ‘Sonic Superstars’ immediately made me a fool, mocking me for not having the time, energy, or skill from my childhood and adolescence. This, as sad as it may be to admit, is my vengeance. I do not wish ill on Sonic or his fans, be they young or old. I am merely fighting back against the unending march of time. Sonic may be able to occupy my past, present, and future, but he can’t control how I decide to interpret his existence. And my interpretation is that ‘Sonic Superstars’ sucks. 2/6
‘Sonic Superstars’ is the latest side-scrolling entry into the ‘Sonic the Hedgehog’ franchise. Similarly to ‘Sonic Mania’ before it, inspiration is drawn from the design seen in the early-1990s Genesis games, aka “The Good Ole Days”. I played ‘Sonic Mania’ and thought it was solid, then never played it again, forgetting everything about it. Needless to say, I don’t remember if ‘Sonic Mania’ was actually any better than the average ‘Sonic the Hedgehog’ game, or if I was merely craving a gimmick-free retro throwback to my times playing ‘Sonic the Hedgehog 2’ on my grandfather’s Sega Genesis. It has been six years since ‘Sonic Mania’ initially dropped, and Sonic has hit a bit of a multimedia renaissance since then. The children I work with seem to know Sonic purely as a character from the ‘Sonic the Hedgehog’ film franchise, and consider themselves fans of ‘Sonic the Hedgehog’, without having played a single ‘Sonic the Hedgehog’ video game. If I was given this information five years ago, I probably would have had increasingly dumb “kids these days”-type thoughts. But having the information now, I can only lament the reality of new ‘Sonic the Hedgehog’ enjoyers entering one of the most unhinged fandoms in all of media.
‘Sonic the Hedgehog’ no longer feels like a video game franchise to me. It advanced past that stage long ago. Despite never playing most of the games released after ‘Sonic Adventure 2’, I feel like it’s continued to be present in my brain. I know about each game released, and the drama surrounding them individually, but I haven’t played them. They exist less as video games and more as lore, fueling the eternal discourse surrounding Sega’s megalithic franchise. I’m not sure why I specifically chose to pick up ‘Sonic Superstars’, given my poor engagement with the franchise, but I can confirm it was a mistake to expect a new ‘Sonic the Hedgehog’ video game to make me feel happy.
Within the opening minutes, I was reminded of the unfortunate reality that Sonic’s speed is difficult to keep up with. As Sonic chastised many moons prior, I am too slow. But not in a physical sense. I have always been too slow to move like Sonic, but I was once able to process his speed. For various reasons, though mostly the process of aging, I am no longer able to read screen action as well as in the past. So when I’m immediately put in a situation where I take damage for moving faster than I can follow, multiple times, it kills my motivation to continue playing. This alone would have likely eventually led me to drop the game, but the nail in the coffin came in the third zone, when a wind storm began causing the platforms to tilt, and I couldn’t get Sonic to stop jumping horizontally into the abyss.
Maybe ‘Sonic the Hedgehog’ isn’t for me anymore. I did not have any drive to keep up with what was happening in front of me, and the decision to stop playing was far easier than it has ever been for me to drop a game that I wasn’t just intending to “mess around with”. ‘Sonic Superstars’ immediately made me a fool, mocking me for not having the time, energy, or skill from my childhood and adolescence. This, as sad as it may be to admit, is my vengeance. I do not wish ill on Sonic or his fans, be they young or old. I am merely fighting back against the unending march of time. Sonic may be able to occupy my past, present, and future, but he can’t control how I decide to interpret his existence. And my interpretation is that ‘Sonic Superstars’ sucks. 2/6