June 2015. I am 14 years old (that’s right. I’m young!) and reading an article about asexuality. This is the first time I hear about the concept, and I keep thinking about it. A few weeks later I conclude that I am demisexual.
Early 2016. I am 15 years old. I am on my train home, and I let my mind wander. I think about how I am crushing on multiple people. Wasn’t there a word for that? Polyamorous? Maybe I’m that.
Slightly later 2016. Two of my crushes start dating. Awkward. One of them is also polyamorous but the other isn’t so there’s not much to do about this.
April 2nd, 2016. I kiss a boy and I like it. For the rest of the day, I keep thinking about that and conclude that I am pansexual.
July 2016. A friend (and crush) is celebrating her birthday. It is the first time in a while that I spend a significant amount of time with a friend who had until very recently spent half a year in New Zealand. I start crushing on her.
We start dating on October 24th. She is my first girlfriend. She is also asexual so that part of my identity isn’t an issue – until it is a few months later because I feel close enough to her to develop sexual attraction. We make it work though, for a while at least.
She breaks up with me after we’ve been dating for a bit more than a year. I’m not really saddened by this; we continue to be friends and something about this relationship kind of felt off to me anyway.
Early 2018. I am 17 years old. While scrolling through Tumblr I see a post saying “I was such a good male feminist ally that I became a girl… step up fellas”
For some reason I feel the need to reblog it with the addition of “Nah, I’ll remain male. I think. Not 100% sure.” OP reblogs this addition, jokingly calling me a coward.
This sends me down a spiral of self-examination and the next day I decide to try out being a girl. I knew my friends would be progressive regarding this stuff, one of my friends is a trans man and they’re all super nice to him. And indeed, they go along with it. But just two days later I call the whole thing off. It just doesn’t feel quite right.
That evening, I go to a concert and security mistakes me for a girl (I have really long hair) and I feel euphoric about that.
August 2018. I am 18 years old. After thinking about my gender for months without really coming to any conclusion I decide to just come out as unspecified nonbinary (any pronouns) for now.
At some point in 2018 I realize that I am no longer demisexual. Or maybe I never was demisexual. It’s not really that important really.
July 2019. I’m finally done with school and have 3 months before university begins. I spend a month in Japan and spend a lot of time just thinking about stuff while walking around in parks. I come up with the basic idea for a ttrpg system (it ended up not being very fun to play), I start drawing (I never pursued it much further once I was out of Japan again) and most importantly, I finally figure out my gender. It’s a bit tricky to put into words but the most precise way to say it while still being concise is “bigender woman”.
August 2019. I am 19 years old. I meet up with two friends from an online community. They only ever knew me as trans, and they are the first people I interact with in a non-digital space to treat me like a woman. It feels amazing.
Of course, I end up crushing on both which is awkward because they’re monogamous and dating each other.
November 2019. After spending another weekend with the friends I met in August I feel incredibly lonely and install a dating app. I get a few matches, but the conversations never really go anywhere. I feel like nobody on this app knows what they want out of a relationship, myself included.
December 2019. After spending yet another weekend with the aforementioned friends I decide to uninstall the dating app. It’s difficult to explain but I feel like there are some fundamental differences between what I want out of a relationship, what these two have in their relationship, and what I could get out of a relationship from a dating app.
June 9th, 2020. I start dating my current girlfriend. We’re very happy together, despite being long distance. I finally feel like I have everything related to gender and sexuality figured out.
2021. I am 20 years old. I start questioning what exactly the difference between a romantic relationship and a friendship is to me. On July 15th, I conclude that I am aromantic.
There is no real difference between what I feel and felt for the people I’ve been in relationships with and what I feel for close friends. This also explains why I kept crushing on basically all my friends.
I didn’t think about it in the moment but in retrospect I’m very glad that my girlfriend didn’t react badly to this at all. Our relationship can still be special because of the way xie feels about me.
September 7th, 2022. I am 22 years old. I play one night, hot springs. It’s a great game that I can relate to a lot. I plan on playing the sequels eventually, though I’m unsure if they’ll be as relatable.
October 15th, 2022. I play last day of spring and like this one a lot as well.
I then go on to play spring leaves no flowers (wow, 900+ words before the game this review is about is mentioned, this has to be some kind of record). I am blown away.
The mechanic of having crossed out options confuses me at first, but I end up loving it very quickly. Having things you want to say but you don’t feel like you can say is something I assume most people can relate to and the fact that your friends encouraging you can unlock these options is great.
Asexuality and especially aromanticism are things very rarely discussed in media. Even the most progressive of blue-hairs-and-pronouns-media is usually just going to include a character who is ace or aroace and then they might explain that to others but it’s not really about what it feels like to them. This game is a welcome exception, exploring what it’s like to discover you’re aroace while in a romantic relationship.
And yes, I wish there was any representation for people who are are but not ace but I won’t hold that against individual pieces of media
As I am writing this review, I keep thinking “This is stupid, this is way too long, this is way too personal, no one will care, you shouldn’t put stuff this personal out for strangers on the internet, just do a funny two or three sentence review like with the others” but I’m going to publish this anyway. Maybe someone will like it. Maybe someone will play this amazing trilogy because of this. Maybe someone will even learn something about themselves thanks to this.
Discovering a new aspect of your identity can be scary. Especially if you’re currently in a relationship. But with the help of our friends both me and Manami managed to do it.
You can do it too.
Early 2016. I am 15 years old. I am on my train home, and I let my mind wander. I think about how I am crushing on multiple people. Wasn’t there a word for that? Polyamorous? Maybe I’m that.
Slightly later 2016. Two of my crushes start dating. Awkward. One of them is also polyamorous but the other isn’t so there’s not much to do about this.
April 2nd, 2016. I kiss a boy and I like it. For the rest of the day, I keep thinking about that and conclude that I am pansexual.
July 2016. A friend (and crush) is celebrating her birthday. It is the first time in a while that I spend a significant amount of time with a friend who had until very recently spent half a year in New Zealand. I start crushing on her.
We start dating on October 24th. She is my first girlfriend. She is also asexual so that part of my identity isn’t an issue – until it is a few months later because I feel close enough to her to develop sexual attraction. We make it work though, for a while at least.
She breaks up with me after we’ve been dating for a bit more than a year. I’m not really saddened by this; we continue to be friends and something about this relationship kind of felt off to me anyway.
Early 2018. I am 17 years old. While scrolling through Tumblr I see a post saying “I was such a good male feminist ally that I became a girl… step up fellas”
For some reason I feel the need to reblog it with the addition of “Nah, I’ll remain male. I think. Not 100% sure.” OP reblogs this addition, jokingly calling me a coward.
This sends me down a spiral of self-examination and the next day I decide to try out being a girl. I knew my friends would be progressive regarding this stuff, one of my friends is a trans man and they’re all super nice to him. And indeed, they go along with it. But just two days later I call the whole thing off. It just doesn’t feel quite right.
That evening, I go to a concert and security mistakes me for a girl (I have really long hair) and I feel euphoric about that.
August 2018. I am 18 years old. After thinking about my gender for months without really coming to any conclusion I decide to just come out as unspecified nonbinary (any pronouns) for now.
At some point in 2018 I realize that I am no longer demisexual. Or maybe I never was demisexual. It’s not really that important really.
July 2019. I’m finally done with school and have 3 months before university begins. I spend a month in Japan and spend a lot of time just thinking about stuff while walking around in parks. I come up with the basic idea for a ttrpg system (it ended up not being very fun to play), I start drawing (I never pursued it much further once I was out of Japan again) and most importantly, I finally figure out my gender. It’s a bit tricky to put into words but the most precise way to say it while still being concise is “bigender woman”.
August 2019. I am 19 years old. I meet up with two friends from an online community. They only ever knew me as trans, and they are the first people I interact with in a non-digital space to treat me like a woman. It feels amazing.
Of course, I end up crushing on both which is awkward because they’re monogamous and dating each other.
November 2019. After spending another weekend with the friends I met in August I feel incredibly lonely and install a dating app. I get a few matches, but the conversations never really go anywhere. I feel like nobody on this app knows what they want out of a relationship, myself included.
December 2019. After spending yet another weekend with the aforementioned friends I decide to uninstall the dating app. It’s difficult to explain but I feel like there are some fundamental differences between what I want out of a relationship, what these two have in their relationship, and what I could get out of a relationship from a dating app.
June 9th, 2020. I start dating my current girlfriend. We’re very happy together, despite being long distance. I finally feel like I have everything related to gender and sexuality figured out.
2021. I am 20 years old. I start questioning what exactly the difference between a romantic relationship and a friendship is to me. On July 15th, I conclude that I am aromantic.
There is no real difference between what I feel and felt for the people I’ve been in relationships with and what I feel for close friends. This also explains why I kept crushing on basically all my friends.
I didn’t think about it in the moment but in retrospect I’m very glad that my girlfriend didn’t react badly to this at all. Our relationship can still be special because of the way xie feels about me.
September 7th, 2022. I am 22 years old. I play one night, hot springs. It’s a great game that I can relate to a lot. I plan on playing the sequels eventually, though I’m unsure if they’ll be as relatable.
October 15th, 2022. I play last day of spring and like this one a lot as well.
I then go on to play spring leaves no flowers (wow, 900+ words before the game this review is about is mentioned, this has to be some kind of record). I am blown away.
The mechanic of having crossed out options confuses me at first, but I end up loving it very quickly. Having things you want to say but you don’t feel like you can say is something I assume most people can relate to and the fact that your friends encouraging you can unlock these options is great.
Asexuality and especially aromanticism are things very rarely discussed in media. Even the most progressive of blue-hairs-and-pronouns-media is usually just going to include a character who is ace or aroace and then they might explain that to others but it’s not really about what it feels like to them. This game is a welcome exception, exploring what it’s like to discover you’re aroace while in a romantic relationship.
As I am writing this review, I keep thinking “This is stupid, this is way too long, this is way too personal, no one will care, you shouldn’t put stuff this personal out for strangers on the internet, just do a funny two or three sentence review like with the others” but I’m going to publish this anyway. Maybe someone will like it. Maybe someone will play this amazing trilogy because of this. Maybe someone will even learn something about themselves thanks to this.
Discovering a new aspect of your identity can be scary. Especially if you’re currently in a relationship. But with the help of our friends both me and Manami managed to do it.
You can do it too.
1 Comment
Beautiful
cookin
1 year ago