WELL YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE IT, I FIGURED IT OUT; THANK YOU TO MY TWITTER FOLLOWERS. THIS GAME HAS A BUGGED JUMPING MECHANIC, WHAT YOU NEED TO DO IS JUMP AND, WHILE YOU'RE JUMPING, CROUCH. AND IF YOU CROUCH WHILE YOU'RE JUMPING YOU CAN ACTUALLY DO JUMPS.
SEE I JUST DID IT
I JUMPED AND CROUCHED MID JUMP AND IT WORKED
WHAT THE FUCK DID THEY DO