Super Mario Kart if it were defanged and declawed to the point of helplessness, and somehow having less star power than Playstation All-Stars Battle Royale.
Atari Karts has very little in the way of defending itself from the player. You have access to moderately decent control, and by "decent" I mean not constantly smashing your face into walls like in Checkered Flag. Meanwhile the CPU whimpers and lets you win, as if you were their boss and taking first from you meant them getting sent to the cobalt mines with a fractured ass and broken ribs. Items barely exist, as all of them are buffs like "extra speed, "extra traction", etc. No offensive power ups here, you're gonna need to find a more exciting kart racer elsewhere I'm afraid, we only accept fair and leisurely racing in Atari Land apparently.
If you were expecting a star-studded roster I'm afraid you'll be disappointed that the only character they could apparently pay to show up was Bentley Bear from Crystal Castles. I'm sure everyone was excited with childish glee to play as their favorite bear from their favorite arcade game, who somehow has less charisma than the skeleton and octopus they made solely for this game. I ended up using the demented snowman for my playthrough pretty much because I'm a massive mark for that dumb archetype that shows up in too much media.
You'd think with something like Atari they'd use stuff like the dragons from Adventure, the floating eyes from Haunted House, or even that red monster from the cover of Tempest 2000. Hell, I would've taken the green decapitated head from Cybermorph. Right away I've made a better roster than Miracle Designs did. Bentley Bear though! That'll put butts in seats and get all the kids scrambling to hop onto their Russian emulators to play Atari Karts!
BENTLEY BEAR!!!! YEEAGH!!! bashes can of A&W into my forehead multiple times
All apologies to Crystal Castles fans, I just think it's super funny that's the only playable cameo here.
Additional Note: It has also come to my attention that a cartridge of this game has sold on ebay for 400 bucks, so if you'll excuse me I got another game to add to my "Garbage That Goes For Too Much Money" list, even if it wasn't really that shitty. It's still dumb though.
Atari Karts has very little in the way of defending itself from the player. You have access to moderately decent control, and by "decent" I mean not constantly smashing your face into walls like in Checkered Flag. Meanwhile the CPU whimpers and lets you win, as if you were their boss and taking first from you meant them getting sent to the cobalt mines with a fractured ass and broken ribs. Items barely exist, as all of them are buffs like "extra speed, "extra traction", etc. No offensive power ups here, you're gonna need to find a more exciting kart racer elsewhere I'm afraid, we only accept fair and leisurely racing in Atari Land apparently.
If you were expecting a star-studded roster I'm afraid you'll be disappointed that the only character they could apparently pay to show up was Bentley Bear from Crystal Castles. I'm sure everyone was excited with childish glee to play as their favorite bear from their favorite arcade game, who somehow has less charisma than the skeleton and octopus they made solely for this game. I ended up using the demented snowman for my playthrough pretty much because I'm a massive mark for that dumb archetype that shows up in too much media.
You'd think with something like Atari they'd use stuff like the dragons from Adventure, the floating eyes from Haunted House, or even that red monster from the cover of Tempest 2000. Hell, I would've taken the green decapitated head from Cybermorph. Right away I've made a better roster than Miracle Designs did. Bentley Bear though! That'll put butts in seats and get all the kids scrambling to hop onto their Russian emulators to play Atari Karts!
BENTLEY BEAR!!!! YEEAGH!!! bashes can of A&W into my forehead multiple times
All apologies to Crystal Castles fans, I just think it's super funny that's the only playable cameo here.
Additional Note: It has also come to my attention that a cartridge of this game has sold on ebay for 400 bucks, so if you'll excuse me I got another game to add to my "Garbage That Goes For Too Much Money" list, even if it wasn't really that shitty. It's still dumb though.
3 Comments
Bentley Bear, god's favorite punching bag. It'd be like if Sonic were eating shit on the cover of Sonic & Sega All-Stars Racing, while Tails grinned like a smarmy asshole.
I always thought it was weird that if you place in last as Bentley Bear you get a screen where all the other racers are spitting in his mouth.
Weatherby
1 year ago