Shin Megami Tensei II if it was bad and also tangentially based on 'If....' starring Malcolm McDowell, of all things. Shin Megami Tensei: If... is a gaiden game set during the events of the first Shin Megami Tensei, following an alternate scenario where the protagonist of that game prevents Thorman from launching ICBMs, and which acts as the origin point for the Persona series, tying the two continuities together.

If... eschews the apocalyptic setting of the previous two games for something smaller in scale and more personal. Notorious incel and all-around loser dork Hazama has been dabbling in black magic, damning his school to the Expanse and lording over it as the Demon King. Your COA (course of action) depends on which partner character you team up with, slightly changing your path through the game and which ending you get, and roughly aligning with the typical law, chaos, and neutral factions present in most SMT games. Charlie just wants to go home, students be damned, whereas Yumi wants to save everyone and return the school to normal. Reiko, the partner I chose, is Hazama's sister, and wants to save both the school and her brother from the path he's set himself on. True to most neutral routes, teaming up with Reiko will allow you to see more of the game, which in this case is a questionable decision considering how much of a slog If... is to play.

Dungeons are set in parts of the school that have been swallowed and transformed by the Expanse, and the students trapped within subjected to punishments based on one of the seven deadly sins. Likewise, each dungeon features a gimmick themed around its corrisponding sin, like The World of Greed's boss growing in power the more treasure chests you open. For many, The World of Sloth will be a dropping off point, and one that's already notorious among Megaten fans as one of the worst dungeons in the entire franchise. Students are being forced to dig a tunnel towards the area's boss, but since progress is contingent on how many moon phases have elapsed, this translates mechanically into you running back and forth in a confined area grinding random battles over and over and over again for about an hour, or longer if you want to open optional tunnels for goodies. I just threw on some more Art Bell, listened to him talk to a guy who met an alien in the woods that caused him to compulsively vomit, turned my brain off, and got it done. If you instead decided you didn't want to play If... ever again for the rest of your life, then I think that's totally valid and I don't blame you for bailing. Just know that I'm a stronger person than you. I'm a creature.

Uneven dungeons aside, the battle system that worked for the previous two games is forcefully crammed down to fit If...'s smaller scale, and it suffers for it. The utter lack of balance will cause you to constantly whip between unfulfilling and irritating battles, and not even hours of grinding The World of Sloth can insulate you against some of If...'s harsh and arbitrary difficulty spikes. At least you won't have to worry about getting a game over, as they've been replaced by the Guardian Spirit system, a mechanical precursor to Personas. After each battle, you gain a set amount of guardian points which fill a meter, and whenever you die you cash those points out for a new Guardian Spirit, which influences your protagonist's stats and abilities. The strength of your spirit is determined by how much of the meter you filled, meaning you can get shafted with a weaker spirit if you died too early, whereas you'll be rewarded with a stronger spirit the longer you endure. An interesting system in concept, but one which can be cumbersome when you're shooting for a specific spirit, as you need to both be attentive to the amount of points you've banked and intentionally die when it becomes advantageous to do so.

And that's kind of the main thing about If.... I like stuff like your science teacher mechanizing himself and becoming more mechanical and crazed each time you fight, seeing Okamoto from SMT2 show up as the school janitor, and meeting a delinquent Jack Frost that worms his way into your party. Stuff like the first boss changing depending on how long it took you to reach them, or hearing NPCs talk about how they saw some strange boy running around with a dog and a computer strapped to his arm... I find a lot about this game conceptually interesting, and I enjoy the story, setting, and characters, but its gameplay constantly gets in the way with any fun I may have.

But if, for some reason, you enjoyed playing If... so much that you immediately start a new save after beating it, you'll find that you've unlocked the hidden fourth route: The Akira Route. AKA The Game is Actually GREAT Now Route.

Akira wasn't even supposed to be here today.

Unlike Charlie, Akira actually knows of a hidden exit in the janitor's closet and offers to take you with him. To borrow a euphemism from Megaten YouTuber Marsh, the Akira route feels like you're breaking out of the confines of one game and being dropped into a totally different one. Now in Nomos, Akira is quickly possessed by the spirit of the previous demon king, who Hazama has usurped. Rather than exploring the same sin-themed worlds a second time, you follow Akira as he climbs Nomos, freeing other captive demons - including Sobek - who have their own lust for revenge against Hazama, with the end goal being to stuff Hazama's dorky ass in a locker. A HELL locker! Take that you NERD!!

The PlayStation version of the game (which sadly lacks an English translation) goes a step further by subverting the established reuse of SMT1 and 2 themes that serve as the soundtrack for the main game, introducing two of the best battle themes in the entire franchise. I'm partial to this Genesis remix and chill jazz cover of the random battle theme myself. Suddenly being hit with new music helps support this sensation that you've in some way broken out of If..., which I think is really cool, though this feeling is somewhat muted in the SNES version which lacks the altered soundtrack. Since this is a review for the SNES version, it's hardly a factor worth considering, but I just think it's neat and I wanted to share.

More relevant, however, is how the Akira route is paced. It's shorter than the main campaign, yet somehow feels more smooth and better balanced. This is perhaps thanks to the Akira route ditching all the superfluous gimmicks that bog down the main game, opting instead for more traditional Shin Megami Tensei-style dungeon crawling. The action trucks and level requirements rapidly increase, causing you to swap out demons with greater frequency, but I never found myself at a disadvantage, and battles remained consistently challenging yet enjoyable. It's just a shame - criminal even - that this route is locked behind the abysmal core game, but on some level my enthusiasm for it may be owed to the fact that I had to endure so much mediocrity before I could experience it. The "eat your peas or you won't get dessert" of video games.

My intent was to turn in a quick one-paragraph blurb and move on with my bucket list, but I find it really hard not to talk at length about If.... It does so many interesting, weird little things, its very existence and placement within the greater Megaten franchise is fascinating to me, and it is also uniquely terrible. Sometimes I think about breaking out of here, but I worry I'll end up someplace worse.

Then again, maybe I'll meet Sobek. That'd be cool.