I really have to hand it to Bluepoint's Shadow of the Colossus remake, it was the first game to fill me with such vitriol at its mechanics and gameplay that I started emitting a red glow from my face and steam from my nostrils and ears. I realized that there is no being capable of deserving as much hate in media, across the thousands of generations of human storytelling, as the damn horse in Shadow of the Colossus. I am 100% certain this horse was meant to be sent to a glue factory. This is the Elmer's glue horse, this is the horse that started it all. Some pooor shmuck popped in Shadow of the Colossus into his Industrial era PS4 and jumped on the horse. It was his inspiration, it was his Joker moment. He quickly realized there was no being in history, nor the future, who could be as pain-giving as this horse. If you have recently played Elden Ring, Metal Gear Solid 5, or any video game post Magnavox Odyssey, you have played a game with a horse that has controlled better. I would rather eat clay and stick my head in mud while being smacked on each side by a baseball bat, than play this game using the horse as a mode of transport.

Plotwise there is probably a story here, but the narrative is played off in the obscure, meaning that you're dripfed some form of narrative into the game that is supposed to pay off at the end. Did it? I don't really care. I stopped caring the more I had to use the horse, maybe that's the narrative intention of this game. I think the creator has some form of equine-phobia. Just play Nier, any vibes of a cool game that I got made me think of Nier Replicant, it's a better game. Now this is all my subjective opinion, and given user/critic reviews and general influence of this game I am probably wrong, but I will continue to complain anyways. I streamed this game to a small crowd, and multiple times I had to stop, get on my knees, point towards the sky and apologize for my misdoings. I now know, what it is truly like to experience a game so mind numbing, that I can no longer experience true pain. The puzzling of the boss fights felt terrible and gimmicky, the soundtrack was extremely quiet, the game runs at a poor framerate on PS4, the flimsy attack mechanic feels generally awful as the game goes on, I am full of sorrow.

Uh, cool things about this game!
-Colossi design was great, Bluepoint did a great job bringing the ancient back to life.
-The world: while there was almost nothing worthwhile in it, the environment sure looked good.

Oh blah dih, oh blah dah, la la la la life goes on.