For years, I have called Ninja Gaiden III: The Ancient Ship of Doom my "white whale." Like Ahab, I have pursued my Moby Dick for a decade, unable to complete the game without save states and always burning through all five (5) continues. Since high school, I have pursued the challenges of difficult games, notably the NES Ninja Gaiden trilogy, and while I have been able to complete I and II without save states, III has eluded me. I considered this game to be the most difficult game I have played, ever. This is primarily due to the five (5) continues the game offers you, as opposed to unlimited in the previous games, but also due to the multitude of changes made to the North American version to make it more difficult than its Japanese original. Yet, within the past week, I have completed this game nine times, all of which I did not use a single save state or continue, four of which I defeated all three forms of the final boss on a single life. I now question whether I think this game is truly the most difficult of the NES trilogy. While the limited continues prove a significant challenge initially, I feel that since the game asks for you to truly master it, that it might be possible that the unlimited continues of the previous games act as a "crutch" with which one can throw oneself at the challenge repeatedly with some (but not disastrous) consequences, and eventually complete it. In this sense I feel like I have truly mastered Ninja Gaiden III, as opposed to the first two, where I feel as if I have a lesser degree of mastery.

Despite having played it so many times, more than the times I have played the other two entries combined, I feel that this isn't even the best of the trilogy. The story is easily the worst of the trilogy, as Clancy is not a compelling villain at all, the plot is quite played out by this point, and the story lacks the emotional core the first game had. While having many quality of life changes like being able to fully scale and vault over walls, not having respawning enemies, as well as having less knockback and being able to see which items are in the orbs, the gameplay suffers from the changes made to the North American version, namely: the sword extension power-up for Ryu (the range he gets with the extension power-up is the default range of his sword in the original version), taking more damage from enemies and hazards, and more difficult enemy placement. If this game is such a mixed bag, then, why have I replayed it so many times within the past week?

I am currently at a crossroads in my life. The start of a new chapter. Within a month, I will be leaving my parent's home and going to graduate school to become a physical therapist and fully embark on my career. Yet, part of me still wants to remain where I currently am, since it is comfortable, even though I will not grow as a person should I fail to cross this threshold. Game designer Goichi Suda describes the ethos of his overarching series of games, known as 'Kill the Past,' with these words:

"I have seen a lot of people who only remain themselves by repeating the same things they've done in the past and I really don't want to be like them. Killing the past is also synonymous with fighting with the future, and what makes the future alive is facing the past and settling things."

I have long told myself that I am not worthy, I will not amount to anything in life, no one will ever love me, etc. This self-hatred has long kept me from achieving my dreams, seizing my inner power, and becoming my best self. In order to cross this threshold, I will need to "kill the past," as Suda says, and perhaps this is why I continue to replay Ninja Gaiden III after I have finished it once. Perhaps subconsciously, every time I beat this game, I envision myself killing my past self over and over again, destroying the weak one who hated himself, the one who could not defeat Ninja Gaiden III. Maybe finishing Ninja Gaiden III is the beginning of me killing the past, in order to make my great future alive.