controlling nathan drake feels like piloting a cruise liner through wet sand. like swimming upriver with your left arm brain signal firing to your right leg. like the last guardian’s trico if trico was a straight white guy who went “lol” everytime he splattered a dude’s brains all over the floor. like an indecisive roomba unsure of what is carpet and what is dog. like attempting to slam two crash cymbals together while congealed in a solid jello-blood compound. like trying to talk to the uncle at thanksgiving who unashamedly does this gesture when talking about women. like playing chess by taking turns asking siri for random numbers and only getting to take your turn when she says the number you’re thinking of. like playing checkers over a phone call with no board and no pieces. like an uphill reverse slip n slide filled with barbeque sauce and stationed at the grand canyon. like suplexing your dog for peeing on the carpet. like getting a $1 sticky hand toy stuck on a car window and trying to stick it in exactly the same place it left a mark. like this. like this. like this. and like this. like having to awkwardly take and eat a chips ahoy cookie you said you didn’t want because this is the fifth time it’s been offered to you so this probably means something to them. like looking at the clock and dividing one hour into two thirty minute chunks which are basically only two fifteen minute chunks which might as well be three five minute chunks, so there really isn’t that much left to endure. like the last of us’ joel but much worse. like riding a horse on a treadmill. like playing a trumpet underwater. like ordering pizza and receiving a tshirt. like building a snowman made of applesauce. like a beluga whale in a shopping cart.

like, really bad.