you might be asking yourself “falco umhhhhh that's not … that's not a 4.5 game right there” ok and you know what shut the fuck up I'm the only one with the universal jurisdiction to say if a game should deserve this high a praise and i can tell you with absolute honesty that ive never had such an experience in gaming industry that stimulated every single sense of my body and brain in more than one way possible and just for that this deserves to be in the top of everything i love about videogames fun gameplay lovely art and music and gay sex cue the usual disclaimer

ALERT THIS IS A GAY PORN GAME ! which means I will be talking about my private time experiences with the material and the licentious content of this game that might hurt your over religious conservative puritan homophobic beliefs or maybe you just dont want to read about what turns me on and I don't fucking care you've been advised

paradiso guardian was a project that i saw roaming around during the last years and i was pretty sure nothing wouldve come out of it i thought it was just a cute experiment that would never see the light of day well im happy to say that team level something released this gem of a game just so that i would look like a fool and also jerk off

those who know me in the audience are well aware that symphony of the night is one of my favorite games ever created in this world absolutely such an incredible work of art that i will never get tired of playing and replaying literally it has everything a masterpiece has to offer and also boom sexy alucard

so then bussy guardian follows closely the example of the greatest blueprint of the metroidvania genre and aims to create a tribute for symphony of the night that could rival to one of the most influential games ever created and im glad to say that they came damn close and when you think about it without the gay porn stuff paradiso guardian is an incredibly novel concept all the aspects in this game are brimming with professionality and im glad it came out as good as it did

lead twunk lenga is a colorful angel residing in heaven which is actually getting ravished by loads and loads of demons and penetrated until the seams start to fall apart im still talking about heaven not about lenga keep up SO the guy being a sweet little guardian angel goes on a mission to actually track down the culprit of the invasion that is destroying the paradiso and to fuck him up . pretty simple but a good enough setup for whats to cum

as i was saying this is heavily inspired by sotn and i was definitely not expecting for the developers to not only follow closely almost every single element of castlevanias masterpiece but also actually managed to create an experience that feels almost if not identical to the former for starters lenga albeit quite stiffer than the blonde vampire but its still such a joy to move around and while theres not as many movement options its still pretty fun to run around the “castle” in this case

gameplay wise this is also pretty similar and competent you got the usual equipments and items with different battle styles then you got the usual skills but with a twist because you dont have to use fucking fighting games combos to activate (dont @ me i love those in sotn but im glad they didnt put it here even though theres a scroll that can activate those kind of skills but im too poor to buy it sorryyyyyyyyyyy) and some summons it's pretty varied I gotta say even If obviously derivative but it IS a tribute game

I genuinely didn't think this could be that good because since this is an hybrid porn game i 100% thought the metroidvania aspect was gonna be half jank but its so fucking GOOD for no absolute reason every single place of the castle is full of interesting monster designs some bomb ass segments a fluid gameflow and the slowmo duck ability was goated I had a lot of fun even though the game isn't that long most of it I actually completed in mayyyyyybe 5 hours ??? theres a lot of stuff to discover battle tactics to use get lost in the castle again and again and again basically every single metroidvania element is present and thriving and im here for it

for a good chunk of the game I was so impressed that they managed to recreate the sotn feeling not only in the gameplay department but also the art style which is literally so close to the sotn one it could be a dlc from that game every single sprite is moving so flawlessly monsters backgrounds castle pieces bosses everything has such a good fucking spritework that is just a joy to witness and in general I did not think the whole castle could be characterised so well even though theres like 4 different areas it's absolutely insane godlike work

and for some reason the music is also pretty grand AND emulating the neoclassic darkwave or whatever the fuck the name of sotn music genre is and BRIMMING with details it sounds like a fucking live orchestra and thats something I felt last time only in castlevania it's insane the lengths this team went to get to the players the tribute they wanted and there's a lot of different tunes that are ALL . SO . FUCKING . GOOD and my absolute favorite one of the bunch is of course club moment

do you know when that plays . exactly when lenga is getting FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKED

so let's talk about the MEAT of the game right now I tried to be as safe for work as possible for straightos stumbling here but that is no more

during lengas ascent in heaven to find and fuck the big bad up theres gonna be a lot of different people trying to get in lengas way which could be some friends trying to stop him from doing something dangerous of full on enemies and what happens is that lenga is a fucking nymphomaniac and every single boss beaten is gonna get a damn huge crush on him and fucking him up as they should

so what happens is you get into a boss battle you beat the boss and lenga proceeds to slurp their meat up until they cum and go back to the headquarters of paradiso waiting for another chance to get a 1 on 1 with lenga

at this point you can get into the headquarters and offer the different men some gifts so that you're gonna strengthen their bond until you unlock some difficult challenges to replay the boss battles

want to know what happens after you beat these battles ??? that's right you get a special skill im joking yes you get a special skill but you also get a damn good fucking back to back to back

so I'll be direct I beat my meat off at least 50 times on these cgs my dick started aching after a while because I would just be beating it all the fucking time I'm not joking these CGs are incredible the different character portraits are already a damn joy to look at every single character is hunky as shit super sexy and has so much beef that would fill an entire butchery but the SEX SCEEEEENEEEES OOOOOOH THE SEX SCENES are some of the best I've ever had the pleasure to masterbate to

for starters the voice acting of this game is absolutely unbelievable every single character is not only thriving with personality but the sex scenes have so much moaning and gasping and dirty words that I ended up cumming in like 10 seconds every time absolutely insane AND the artist has a damn good understanding of what makes anime CGs so exotic theres a lot of different positions and camera angles incredible situations and masterful pornographic writing I bet every single gay guy or gay porn connoisseur would just be thriving with this game I'm not joking

so there's 4 different main guys in the pool floody is the childhood friend archetype big beefy guy cannon in hand another cannon in his pants has a really great perverted bottom / shy top dynamic with lenga and while not my favorite guy of the bunch I probably ended up enjoying his CGs set the most (probably because he's always on the giving side and I love seeing lenga take a huge fat cock and moaning maybe im biased) and in general floody is so fucking hot definitely a good time then you have the oni prince shuten who instead has the “I want him as my wife” simp dynamic which I'm not usually a huge fan of but he's pretty hot to begin with so there's a lot to love in his sets and seeing lenga actually switch was a fun time then you got vitos who instead is a demon that ends up eating lenga inside out he's also pretty great not my favorite CG set of the bunch but he's pretty hot and for that I gotta respect him and anD AND THEN MY FAVORITE BOO RADIAN UGHHHHHH so if you know me irl you know im a huge fan of daddies and radian is absolutely . fucking . hot plus the dad x son (NOT RELATED BY BLOOD !!!) dynamic here makes me so fucking horny you guys won't believe what was going through my mind during those scenes anyway again this is not my favorite CG set of the bunch but radian is the hottest guy in the entire game and the last scene with him was probably my most fapped to of the bunch so so so so gorgeous

that to say if you want a lot of jerking off material you're looking at the perfect game

now you would think lenga would stop here but he goes to the extent to fucking or get fucked by not only guest bosses that can be summoned but also the god of thunder which is among my favorite scenes of the game literally replayed also this one so many times you couldve donated 50 gallons of sperm im not joking here absolutely hot hottie hottest hunk of a thunder deity I want to be dominated by him if it's the last thing I do in this life and lenga also goes to the extend of doing a SPOILER huge fucking orgy with the entire cast AND the final boss ??? (who's also a snack unfortunately you only get one scene with him)

I love this lewd angel with my entire being I relate to him I wouldve done the same with so many hunks around me

so anyway I lost the point what did I want to say oh yeah this game is incredible absolutely fucking jawdropping I love a game that makes me stress on boss battles and makes me relieve that stress after the boss battles hand free incredible what other games does that ???

this is not a perfect game and it doesn't deserve the 4.5 rating but I'm literally the target audience for this game so if I'm not the one giving this a bloated rating who is gonna do that if even a single person reading this is gonna jerk off to this game think about me while you do that I'm gonna grow more powerful

so there's that thank you for reading another infodump about my sexual experiences foe whoevers interested I got the save files with everything unlocked and 100%ed so that you can instantly look at the gallery and jerk off im not gonna delete the game files until I'm tired of doing onanism on these CGs so yeah

umhhhhhh the end I guess see you at the next gay porn game probably coming out on top because I'm playing that rn