19/11/2023 again

this has a spoiler warning on it for a reason!! LEAVE THE PAGE IF YOU DON'T WANNA SEE ME LITERALY LOSING IT.

i feel like. completely null. so so so lonely and so so so empty. i wish i was someone pretty so people wouldn't be as disgusted by me rotting. at least then id be less lonely. i wish i could at least die pretty. extremely morbid. very lainpilled and meta of me to use a game review site to broadcast my mental health's degradation. maybe someone will make an internet mystery on it or something and the pressure will make me abandon the account. being perceived is so so so painful. every day i have to fight the urge to leave my house and cycle to a forest somewhere. just lay down at the base of a tree and sleep and never wake up.

townscaper is helping though. I've been using it as a sort of motivation to get through the day. like. I'll only let myself work on a build after i take care of myself a little. even if it's just a little, i think it's better than nothing. why do i always have to be the person who never moves on.