About two weeks in, played my first PVP game yesterday. The game gives me anxiety in a way that is maybe productive for me to wrestle with. Why, for example, am I so worried about being bad at a video game that I played exclusively against bots for two weeks? What should it be revealing to me when I see myself hyper-fixating on reading guides on how to play the game, desperately attempting to parse out customs and best practices to try and better fit into a community that I simultaneously don't want to be a part of. Perhaps if I was less concerned about these questions my Riven would stop getting farmed in top lane.

I do find the actual gameplay very fun. I like clicking, and I think it's impressive how frantic I get when I'm actually trying to nail a combo. I guess I just wish it didn't all feel so impenetrable.