This review contains spoilers
As I continue to get notified every few days about more activity on that Pikmin 2 review, the whole world overwhelmed by Pikmin Fever, I determined the best way to follow up something that expansive is with a game literally nobody has heard of or cares about. I hate to be too mean, believe it or not, but I am split on whether this game deserves it. It's terrible, but my view of it really hinges on the intention of the developers when making it. If I want to be charitable, this is an example of huge swathes of ambition completely overwhelming actual ability, like trying to keep an African elephant airborne with pinwheels and prayers, which is something I admire. Alternatively, if I choose to be uncharitable, this is a soulless attempt to swindle buyers with a novel hook, only to throw some slapped together junk in their lap and scarper before they realize it's just long enough to be non-refundable and looks like generic asset youtube fodder that is, ironically, occasionally too racy for youtube.
In many ways, this feels like a waste of time to talk about. I wouldn't complain that congealed orange chicken scooped out of a buffet tray fails to impress the refined palette, so what do I get out of picking at a game I only got around to because I needed something to kill time before "Sea of Stars" launched? The answer, truthfully, is the untapped potential that I hate to see squandered. Games seem to be the only major artistic medium cripplingly afraid of seriously exploring sexuality in a real, nitty gritty sense (ie crude and blunt a la 80's b-movie). Maybe this is an awkward point to make mere weeks after "Baldur's Gate 3", a game where I've heard more about the penises than I have about the roleplaying, but I don't think that's the norm. I'm intrigued by the suggestion of an erotic cult horror story in the vein of "Eyes Wide Shut", with a healthy dose of "Hellraiser" freakworld and a leering window intrusion from Cthulhu. Call it sleazy if you must, but while mainstream games are (usually) content to awkwardly shuffle their feet and finagle their suddenly very loose shoelaces at the mere suggestion of their characters so much as patting each other on the back, I respected something willing to go balls to the wall (no pun intended) and embracing some insanity. If only.
After an extended prologue that can basically be summarized as "Did you play Resident Evil 7? It's that but not in the swamp", the game starts in earnest when your character actually goes to the mansion where his wife is being held. Every character there is wearing a mask, a wise decision, considering the one face we do see shows these seemingly stock assets have the usual plastic sheen faces and perpetual fluoride stare. There's a couple of incredibly trivial stealth sections, where the enemy won't react to you unless you sock him in the jaw, scuff up his boots, and insult his preferred political candidate while doing a little dance on his mom's grave. Before entering the mansion, you need to get a disguise, which thankfully happens to be lying just outside. How convenient. As you approach the door, you need an invitation to get in. Turning around, an invitation happens to be lying on the table next to it. How convenient. Either the puzzle fairy came through this mansion or this is meant to be the first video game to be beatable by a dog with an Oculus Rift, because every single puzzle consists of a lock with its key sitting right next to it.
In the mansion, there are sporadic orgies. That may seem sudden, but it's treated with all the pomp and circumstance of a dirty Coke can on the side of the road. These Unity models awkwardly sliding against each other like they're trying to fusion dance is what you paid to see, so best enjoy the three minutes that it lasts. I especially enjoyed the naked guys sitting in the theater boxes alone, just watching the action below. No need to be shy, buddy, I'm sure the other kids would let you play if you just asked! Scattered around the place are documents patching together what might have ostensibly become a story. Unfortunately, I only found a fraction of them, so my plot only went as far as "A disgraced author created a sex cult to try and contact another dimension". No word on how it went, maybe they dropped into a world of Overwatch SFMs and are living their wildest dreams.
The big draw here is supposed to come when your character portals to a strange, alien world called Lust'ghaa. If there's supposed to be lust happening here, it must've been hiding amongst the wavy purple tentacles that cover every single wall like I traveled into the Twizzler dimension. Nothing here is visually distinct or the least bit related to the core concept, looking more like some poor man's take on Giger, ironically sans the sexual innuendo. The puzzles remain as inane as ever, punctuated only by the occasional chase sequence where a white goatman (conspicuously dongless for the sex dimension) will run after you so he can breathe on you very heavy. After about 15 feet, he'll give up and go back to leaving dong-shaped statues all over the place that you can pick up, look at, and put down again, maybe pondering the artistic intent behind the dong shape.
In essence, that's the whole game. There's a mask, required to interact with certain lust dimension items, but which, if worn too long, will make you so insane that you instantly die from being CRAZY. Considering the hidden objects are all just interactables or impassable walls, the tradeoff seems to be targeted mainly at people on the verge of falling asleep that might just forget what's going on on the screen. The only other thing worth mentioning is the final boss. Goatman shows up again, repeating the same two lines over and over like he's practicing for a school play. The way to beat him is to stand completely still by the blocked exit. After about a minute, he'll manage to awkwardly power walk his way right into your personal space and start charging up his Kamehameha. So long as you step out of the way within 12 episodes and 150 Vegeta reaction shots, he'll just hit the door for you. Do this one more time, and the final boss is defeated.
Ultimately, I don't feel terribly slighted by this game, just slightly annoyed by its promise. It merely shakes out as part of the Steam page glut of generic horror walk-about. In spite of that, I genuinely wouldn't mind an AO game with some real substance to rise above the sea of "Big Bazonga Waifus in the Slime Dimension Vol. 7" and "Feet Girl Mahjong". I guess I'll just have to put my hopes in the "Sex with Hitler" franchise hitting its renaissance.
In many ways, this feels like a waste of time to talk about. I wouldn't complain that congealed orange chicken scooped out of a buffet tray fails to impress the refined palette, so what do I get out of picking at a game I only got around to because I needed something to kill time before "Sea of Stars" launched? The answer, truthfully, is the untapped potential that I hate to see squandered. Games seem to be the only major artistic medium cripplingly afraid of seriously exploring sexuality in a real, nitty gritty sense (ie crude and blunt a la 80's b-movie). Maybe this is an awkward point to make mere weeks after "Baldur's Gate 3", a game where I've heard more about the penises than I have about the roleplaying, but I don't think that's the norm. I'm intrigued by the suggestion of an erotic cult horror story in the vein of "Eyes Wide Shut", with a healthy dose of "Hellraiser" freakworld and a leering window intrusion from Cthulhu. Call it sleazy if you must, but while mainstream games are (usually) content to awkwardly shuffle their feet and finagle their suddenly very loose shoelaces at the mere suggestion of their characters so much as patting each other on the back, I respected something willing to go balls to the wall (no pun intended) and embracing some insanity. If only.
After an extended prologue that can basically be summarized as "Did you play Resident Evil 7? It's that but not in the swamp", the game starts in earnest when your character actually goes to the mansion where his wife is being held. Every character there is wearing a mask, a wise decision, considering the one face we do see shows these seemingly stock assets have the usual plastic sheen faces and perpetual fluoride stare. There's a couple of incredibly trivial stealth sections, where the enemy won't react to you unless you sock him in the jaw, scuff up his boots, and insult his preferred political candidate while doing a little dance on his mom's grave. Before entering the mansion, you need to get a disguise, which thankfully happens to be lying just outside. How convenient. As you approach the door, you need an invitation to get in. Turning around, an invitation happens to be lying on the table next to it. How convenient. Either the puzzle fairy came through this mansion or this is meant to be the first video game to be beatable by a dog with an Oculus Rift, because every single puzzle consists of a lock with its key sitting right next to it.
In the mansion, there are sporadic orgies. That may seem sudden, but it's treated with all the pomp and circumstance of a dirty Coke can on the side of the road. These Unity models awkwardly sliding against each other like they're trying to fusion dance is what you paid to see, so best enjoy the three minutes that it lasts. I especially enjoyed the naked guys sitting in the theater boxes alone, just watching the action below. No need to be shy, buddy, I'm sure the other kids would let you play if you just asked! Scattered around the place are documents patching together what might have ostensibly become a story. Unfortunately, I only found a fraction of them, so my plot only went as far as "A disgraced author created a sex cult to try and contact another dimension". No word on how it went, maybe they dropped into a world of Overwatch SFMs and are living their wildest dreams.
The big draw here is supposed to come when your character portals to a strange, alien world called Lust'ghaa. If there's supposed to be lust happening here, it must've been hiding amongst the wavy purple tentacles that cover every single wall like I traveled into the Twizzler dimension. Nothing here is visually distinct or the least bit related to the core concept, looking more like some poor man's take on Giger, ironically sans the sexual innuendo. The puzzles remain as inane as ever, punctuated only by the occasional chase sequence where a white goatman (conspicuously dongless for the sex dimension) will run after you so he can breathe on you very heavy. After about 15 feet, he'll give up and go back to leaving dong-shaped statues all over the place that you can pick up, look at, and put down again, maybe pondering the artistic intent behind the dong shape.
In essence, that's the whole game. There's a mask, required to interact with certain lust dimension items, but which, if worn too long, will make you so insane that you instantly die from being CRAZY. Considering the hidden objects are all just interactables or impassable walls, the tradeoff seems to be targeted mainly at people on the verge of falling asleep that might just forget what's going on on the screen. The only other thing worth mentioning is the final boss. Goatman shows up again, repeating the same two lines over and over like he's practicing for a school play. The way to beat him is to stand completely still by the blocked exit. After about a minute, he'll manage to awkwardly power walk his way right into your personal space and start charging up his Kamehameha. So long as you step out of the way within 12 episodes and 150 Vegeta reaction shots, he'll just hit the door for you. Do this one more time, and the final boss is defeated.
Ultimately, I don't feel terribly slighted by this game, just slightly annoyed by its promise. It merely shakes out as part of the Steam page glut of generic horror walk-about. In spite of that, I genuinely wouldn't mind an AO game with some real substance to rise above the sea of "Big Bazonga Waifus in the Slime Dimension Vol. 7" and "Feet Girl Mahjong". I guess I'll just have to put my hopes in the "Sex with Hitler" franchise hitting its renaissance.