ENG above; PT-BR abaixo.

Alexandre Nero – Não Aprendi Dizer Adeus

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Two years ago, more or less on this day, I started dating a girl with whom I thought I’d spend the rest of my life. We initially bonded over our shared fascination for a widely-hated villainess in an indie RPG. My previous experiences with romance had led me to believe that I was slow to love, but things escalated faster than I anticipated. Five months after we exchanged our first words, we were together. We were often vulnerable with each other, spent a lot of quality time together, exchanged countless compliments and pet names and gifts and I-love-yous, everything sappy you’d think about in a fairy tale. We were long distance, but planned to live together eventually, a shared dream. My happiest memories are of the times she visited me. We unceremoniously got engagement rings and only after did I understand – really understand, as more than intellectual acknowledgement – what this meant: in the future, I would wake up next to my wife, a real person with whom I have reciprocal love, every day.

We’ve been apart for 7 months. As it turns out, I’m not the type of person for whom she feels attraction. It was stunning, appalling, upsetting, devastating. For both of us, because, as we learned with each other, lack of attraction is not synonymous with absence of love. The anguish, regrets, wishes and apologies we shared in our grieving prove that. Grief is the love that remains, the overwhelming love we cannot give, the love that leaves us paralyzed in shock because it’s real. It’s too real, it’s unbearably true.

When a work like Quest for Moomoo asks me to let go of something, I hesitate. I don’t know how to do that. It’s happened in my life multiple times before, but I’ve never felt like I was the one to do it. One moment I’m attached to something, and the next it’s gone. I ruminate and ponder about what was, what could’ve been, and why it’s my fault that it ended. Some of these thoughts are truer than others. It’s not an uncommon or alien experience – ask anyone who has felt this helplessness and they’ll describe something similar. I feel, however, that I’ve spent a large portion of my life as a passive, external observer, experiencing reality happening around me but rarely with me or about me. This grief has been no exception. Right now, I am incapable of visualizing any future for myself. Not in regards to my own mortality, but… letting go of my fiancée also required letting go of my life project and of one of the only things that truly made me feel belonging.

Time stops for no one. She’s a different person now, and I’m best friends with that person. I still desire companionship and romance, but I can’t want the same relationship I had before. The bride-shaped hole in my heart isn’t asking to be filled. There isn’t even anything in the world that’d fit those memories anymore! Instead, it’s demanding that I outgrow it, that I become someone who’s capable of loving a different person. Terrifying and painful as it is, I cannot abstain from this process. I’m learning to cultivate my own happiness as I get older and help other people get older.

One day I will know what to do with my ring. I don’t know when that is. Until then, I’ll continue looking for my Lil’ Buster. It’s what I know how to do right now.

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Dois anos atrás, mais ou menos nesta data, comecei a namorar uma moça com quem acreditava que viveria o resto dos meus anos. Vinculamo-nos inicialmente por meio de um fascínio compartilhado para com uma detestada vilã de um RPG indie. Minhas experiências anteriores com romance me fizeram acreditar que eu demorava para me apaixonar, mas nossa relação se transformou mais rápido do que pensei. Cinco meses após nos falarmos pela primeira vez, estávamos juntos. Frequentemente nos mostrávamos vulneráveis um ao outro, passávamos bastante tempo juntos, trocamos inúmeros elogios e apelidos carinhosos e presentes e eus-te-amo, todas as coisas melosas que você consegue imaginar de um conto de fadas. Nosso relacionamento era à longa distância, mas planejávamos morar juntos eventualmente, um sonho compartilhado. Minhas memórias mais felizes são das vezes que ela me visitou. Não fizemos cerimônia para nossas alianças de noivado e só depois eu entendi – realmente entendi, mais que mera constatação intelectual – o que isso significava: no futuro, eu acordaria ao lado da minha esposa, uma pessoa real com a qual tenho amor recíproco, todos os dias.

Estamos separados há 7 meses. Ao fim das contas, não sou o tipo de pessoa pela qual ela sente atração. Foi atordoante, espantoso, desconcertante, devastador. Para nós dois, porque, como aprendemos um com o outro, falta de atração não é sinônimo de ausência de amor. As angústias, os arrependimentos, os desejos e as desculpas que partilhamos em nosso luto provam isso. Luto é o amor que fica, o amor esmagador que não temos a quem dar, a saudade que nos choca e congela porque é real. É real demais, é insuportavelmente verdadeiro.

Quando uma obra como Quest for Moomoo me pede para deixar algo para trás, eu hesito. Eu não sei fazer isso. Já passei por isso mais de uma vez na vida, mas nunca tive a sensação de que fui eu que fiz. Em um momento estou apegado a alguma coisa, e no próximo instante, ela se foi. Eu remoo e pondero o que era, o que podia ter sido, e por que é minha culpa que acabou. Alguns desses pensamentos são mais verdadeiros que outros. Não é uma experiência incomum ou estranha – converse com qualquer pessoa que já sentiu esse desamparo e ela descreverá algo semelhante. Sinto, contudo, que passei grande parte de minha vida como observador passivo e externo, experienciando a realidade ao meu entorno, mas raramente uma realidade na qual estou envolvido ou que se trata de mim. Esse luto não tem sido exceção. Atualmente, não consigo imaginar qualquer futuro para mim mesmo. Não em relação à minha mortalidade, mas... ao deixar minha noiva, também precisei deixar o meu projeto de vida, bem como uma das poucas coisas que realmente me fez sentir pertença.

O tempo não espera ninguém. Ela é uma pessoa diferente hoje, e essa pessoa é minha melhor amiga. Eu ainda quero companheirismo e romance, mas eu não posso querer a mesma relação que tinha antes. O vazio que minha noiva deixou em meu coração não requer preenchimento. Nem há mais nada no mundo que encaixaria nessas memórias! Em vez disso, ele exige que eu cresça até ficar maior que ele e até me tornar alguém capaz de amar uma pessoa diferente. Por mais apavorante e doloroso que seja, não posso me abster desse processo. Estou aprendendo a cultivar minha própria felicidade à medida que envelheço e ajudo outras pessoas a envelhecerem.

Algum dia saberei o que fazer com minha aliança. Não sei quando. Até lá, continuo buscando minha Lil’ Buster. É o que sei fazer por ora.

CN: Anti-gamer sentiments, intellectual discussions of 'games', lots of reference quotations, Feminist sentiment

Stated Potential Conflicts of Interest: Kye is one of my closest friends at the moment, however, it's a non-monetary relationship. However, I do post all of my write up on games in her invitation only discord server as its one of only 3 places I have to share my write ups off site with people who might be users here (the other 2 being another invitation only discord, and twitter).

Policy

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Reflects my favourite type of videoplay jank, you have a PNG image for a title screen with the minimum number of options to choose, and then you're dropped into a floating environment box in the middle of the sky unable to know how to interact with things, no exposition either. If you move the camera the trees will switch position and hang off the side. It takes a second to figure out what the controls are here for interacting bizarre objects. None of these are complaints against the experience though, it enhances the strangeness of the environment that much more. The Catamites' writes on the "computer memories" in play environments stating

"playing a computer game can be a strangely unmemorable activity - move here, move there, eat the cherries, etc. we keep track of a kind of vague gestalt impression of what's going on but it's hard to remember exactly what we've just been doing or why, in part because the game keeps track of that for us. in many of lilith's games this perpetual present is placed against a frozen and inscrutable memory world, and part of their power comes from playing with the back and forth between the two forces."

I think this videoplay intervenes on that usual fetchquest style of play by dropping you into a world without the grace of some expository explanation, and by the fetch quest itself being truncated. Most of play is in figuring out the nuance of controls, how to 'express' Kye.

After you get a hang of the controls, the endearing quality of this usually generic 3D RPGMaker asset type visual style sinks. Everything about these assets is bright, soothing, and melancholy. The camera panning to a fixed position on the other end of the environment box amuses you when you realize that 2/4 of them are obscured by trees.

princess/GirlSoftware argues in terms of channeling girliness that:

"if u can reimagine a game but make it girlier ur already contributing more to the medium than any guy as far as im concerned."

In this case, Kye has reimagined a feminine melancholy in what is often referred to as the 'joke game' or 'gag game'. Videoplay like You Have To Burn The Rope and Space Funeral are both games that amuse me, but quantify a more belligerent aura around their appeals of videoplay winstate hollowness.

I think this piece is snubbing false binaries of choice in games and leads to its punchline in a mellow enough way that its stings when it happens. It's a joke, but one that sees an anxious cruelty in losing a loved one and trying to find them again.

I recognize the perception as just paying lip service here, but I don't think that's the case. I think instead it's because I enjoy systems that enhance 'aliveness' and quell 'deadness'. This is a concept I've picked up from Alt Designer and professor Melos who defines these aspects as follows "An Alivegame is a game whose purpose is something to enrich the lives and humanity of those who play it. It can be as simple as a 1-hour game made for a friend's birthday." in contrast to a deadgame which is "On the other path of history, we have the endless, dead, self-consuming Deadgame Industry, exhausting the creative lives of millions on producing these empty games that might be ‘fun’ but are, mostly, just there for us to whittle away the time and leave ourselves unchanged." While I've abandoned all use of the term 'game' for the moment, as I believe its very usage advocates deadness¹ , advocating instead for something like 'play environment', 'piece', 'videoplay', etc. I believe the general idea of aliveness being found in experiences small in scale is spot on, though I disagree slightly with his humanitarian agenda. While the aspect of 'deadness' in a play experience can speak to aspects of monetization, crunch, minority hatred, etc. which are all hideous. The appreciation for aliveness has nothing for me to do with a 'human' connection. Instead, its a connection to a 'thrust' in the articulation of a play experience as doing something distinct and beautiful is usually felt here in the same way that it is for poetry in the written word. Regardless of if experience is ambiguous in function, or clear, the compactness of the form allows for all of the dangly bits to read out much more clearly. Simply put, I just think their formal quality of engagement is superior in every way, and the only reason people play 'dead' games is because of pleasure trickery and to be a 'part of the discussion'.

The play environments I engage with at this point are mainly from a site brimming of aliveness, Itchio. The aura in general there is in a more open trading of communal resources and function, with few if any of the financialized aspects that can create hierarchies that build towards deadness and gamification². I believe deadness in games can be valuable, but mainly as a reflection of current capitalist conditions in the arts rather than any innate appreciation in the 'hollowness' of the corpse. Functionally deadness can also depict to me a specific kind of lost melancholy but it has to be done very particularly. Regardless deadness is not a significant value in what I tend to pursue.

That said, aliveness doesn't completely explain my preferences either. People may wonder why I tend to like stuff like this, supposed bottom of the barrel videoplay jank because its 'obviously rushed'. Well, it's ultimately because these small PC throwaway experiences are consistently transformative and new, and allow for a large amount of comparative data to draw on in relation. I truly am getting something out of experiences like this, it's not just for show.

The only main issue I ever tend to take with small scale alive play experiences is aspects of writing, stuff like typos or weak word choice, excessive alliteration, etc. Those have been avoided here and that's good enough for me. I think its better to not see yourself as being 'tricked' or 'disappointed' by such small experiences. Nor should be any shame in conveying a world in 30 minutes or less. On the contrary, the thrust of that shame should go to audience mob vindictiveness over the grievance of 'expectations'. Anyway, I hope Kye makes more of these soon I thought it was really cute and has exactly the visual sensitivity I crave for these days.

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1. I recognize it's an extremely bizarre take on my part to throw out the term 'game' as if its a dirty word, but I think it might be useful to know I'm not alone. Iconoclast dev Chris Crawford says something similar when laying out the syllogistic logical network between 'game', 'play', and 'fun' before ultimately lampooning them, saying that

"The problem with this reasoning lies in the fact that the words "game," "play," and "fun" are in flux. They have historically been associated with the behavior of children, yet in the last century, with the creation of significant amounts of leisure time, adults have taken up play as well. This new, adult kind of play is still play by any definition, but the word "fun" doesn't quite fit the adult's experience."

He uses this analysis of the rampant fluctuation in the terminology to prod at the term 'fun' as destabilized, which I think is correct to do. This was mainly for the attempt to lampoon the 'Fun Factor' theory of design, but where does that leave 'game'. Well in my view this term is also a form of strict infantilization, if you frame such experience as a 'game' then you risk de-emphasizing their maturity into some isolated experience with no 'bioreality' (that you don't spend time sitting with it, or use your eyes to actually view it, etc). Furthermore that its also not something to be taken seriously or considered outside tabletop game functions like a win state or as if an experience is supposed to 'give' you something in particular, like you would a child. It also deemphasizes risk, traffic lights are a 'game' within the field of game theory but playing it as if its zero sum (valuing your own time at the expense of everyone else) will cause you to risk suffering and death. If everyone framed and treated traffic lights as a 'game' then people would try to 'game' the system and endanger themselves and others more in the process. In my view this 'gamification' of everyday life is a bad thing. By compelling myself to speak of exeriences as if they are games is to pull a highway robbery on what they are expressing to me. I take no judgement for people who continue to use it but I want to rid myself of it, at least for a while.

On the other hand, what about the word 'play'? Surely it's culpable of one in the same? For me, concepts of 'leisure' and 'play' at least only speak to the specific behaviors the audience has to engage in, a form of enhanced input. Flipping through channels is 'playing with the TV' you can 'play with' a movie by rewinding it, etc but neither is a 'game'. Just in the same way that I've come to a violent opinion within myself that there is no such function as 'the arts' the same is said for 'games'. They both reek of me of industry, trying to justify its habituation. That all said, in order to anchor down what we are specifically doing here is to call it a computer 'play environment' so that we can segregate it as an isolated function of experience. We can be even more word anal some other time.

2. If you would excuse the tangent, there's one exception: The GameJam. GameJam's are not in themselves a bad concept, but I take issue with the time constraints on many of them, often being only a week or two. Along with often the designation of a 'winner'. Meaning that what becomes rewarded from this structure is a small scale version of the 'crunch' hierarchy which praises the most 'polished' work of the bunch. Other parasitic process of play design, voting out all the aspects of a games work on a public pool for the 'best game'. All this crap ends up creating a lot of works on the platform with a profound amount of 'deadness' within them, while also causing an unfathomable amount of harm. At this point I find those jams utterly deplorable in function. I've explored this 'abandonment' of creative labor in my Yo! Noid 2 write up here if you're interested, despite my love of it I think it's deeply engaged with 'deadness' as they had to go back and make a more 'finalized' version of the game on its own later due to bugs etc. With that said, there are good GameJams, but they are far and few between as of now. It should also be mentioned that most games included into these more deplorable jams do end up being good games but they usually are not the 'winners' of those jams which tend inhabit the most 'deadness'.

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References:

Betsy Hospital Game FAQ by the Catamites http://harmonyzone.org/text/betsyhospital.html

video game feminization hypnosis by GirlSoftware
https://girlsoftware.itch.io/vgfh

Deadgames and Alivegames by Melos https://melodicambient.neocities.org/posts/2021-01-10%20Deadgames%20and%20Alivegames

Excerpt from Chris Crawford on Game Design
https://flylib.com/books/en/2.178.1.21/1/