Time Lord is absolute nonsense, when most people think of Rare's obsession with collecting shiny objects acquired via doing random bullshit they probably think of their N64 catalog. This shit actually all started with Time Lord on NES and I was there for it.

This is a belt scrolling action-adventure collectathon type game, and it's odd view will absolutely fuck with you sometimes. In most of the stages you have to collect four orbs, which spawns the boss at the end of the stage which drops the last one. There's a big problem though, in order to collect some of these orbs you need to do some of the most cryptic and inane bullshit imaginable involving mechanics that are hidden from the player. There's times where the orb will be hidden behind a building, sometimes you need to jump kick until you jump high enough to reach the orb (which only happens in that one area underneath the orb with zero indication), sometimes you gotta stun the orb from afar with your gun to be able to keep it from moving beyond your reach (OBVIOUSLY). Sometimes you gotta collect or kill an undisclosed amount of things or enemies, who knows? Hell, sometimes the orbs will be in different places the next time you start up the game. If you think navigating through Simon's Quest with it's horrible translation is obscure, just wait until you play this thing.

There's also another problem in that sometimes enemies are constantly pestering you as you're trying to figure out what in god's name you're supposed to do to be able to grab the orbs. It can be fairly annoying dealing with them, until you find out that you're basically completely invincible while in your attack animation. Get ready to use turbo, you need it for the bosses who take five million hits and can kill you in three. Insanity. I'm about 99% sure that the crackheads that were operating at Rare at the time didn't intend for humans to finish this game, they did make Battletoads not long afterwards.

This game represents a lot of what makes a ton of people hate this generation of games, I seriously don't blame them. At least the title screen music rules, just a shame it's downhill from there. I just really can't get behind a game whose entire premise is literally dangling a shiny thing in front of you, waiting for you to do the stupid trick it's expecting you to do.

I was curious to see if the horse shit methods to obtain the orbs was in the instruction manual, I took a bit of a glance online and of course nothing is mentioned. I did however find out that the aliens you're apparently fighting are called the "Drakkons", and the bosses in this game are called the "Drakkon Lords". This is hilarious when you realize that these "Drakkon Lords" are a medieval dragon tripping on acid, a large obese Mexican stereotype, a giant clam and The Soldier from Team Fortress 2. It's a treat reading these things sometimes, I should do it more.

Objectively this game isn't that terrible, but I don't like it and that's the only thing that matters.

At least one star of this rating is bias. Time Lord is an esoteric, frustrating piece of work with an isometric perspective that will fuck you over. It's a game for insane people who are willing to use rewinds, turbo buttons, and the game's own flaws to conquer its absurd intracacies, from the orb hidden behind a building in the Wild West, to its corresponding stereotypical Mexican boss with eternally-regenerating health (Peruvians and/or Puerto Ricans do this, too), and the orb you have to ring a bell a few times for.

I had a brief moment in freshman year trying to pick this game apart, looking at video guides and trying out the weird-ass techniques for myself, much as I did for Rare's Battletoads. Unfortunately, that is one of many fond memories I can't separate from this game, dodgy as it is. If nothing else, I will be the only one awaiting Hasbro (yes, they own the rights - not Rare, hence its exclusion from Rare Replay) to suddenly do a revival of this property. include a buff cavewoman in there next time