So, the other day, I was just browsing around on the internet, not really sure of what to do at that point, until I then got the idea to do a quick Google search of “worst arcade beat ‘em ups”. I figured from doing that, I could find some good shit for me to cover in a review, since it has been a while since I have checked out a beat ‘em up on this website, and I figured I needed something truly special to rope me back into them. I went ahead and looked around on several lists, scrolling through several pretty unremarkable titles, but then I saw one that immediately stuck with me. One that just seemed so stupid, yet so beautiful at the same time, that I had to check it out just to see what it was all about. That title, my friends, was Ninja Clowns.
I honestly had no clue what to expect when going into this game, other then it probably wasn’t gonna be all that good, as I had never heard of it before a day or two ago, and really, can ya blame me? It’s fucking Ninja Clowns, probably one of the most forgettable games ever made in the history of ever. Hell, it’s so forgettable, that Backloggd didn’t even bother to properly capitalize the name! (watch it get capitalized right after this review, just to make me look a dumbass) But I was too entranced with the game either way despite that: I needed to see just what this game was all about, just so I can put this demon to rest, and that it’ll be out of my mind forever. So, I beat the entire thing in 20 minutes or so, and I came to the conclusion that it was one of the worst beat ‘em ups I have ever played in my life.
The story is appropriately stupid enough, where in the generic town of Centerville, the evil Twisto launches his diabolical plan to take the citizens of the town and turn them into killer zombie clowns, all for the purpose of taking over the world, so it is up to…. these two random clowns (I couldn’t find their names) to set out to stop Twisto and his twisted scheme from being carried out, which is only the best plot ever made in the history of video games, and you can’t convince me otherwise. The graphics are terrible, with the environments and world looking so plain, boring, and uninspired, and the sprites for all of the characters and enemies, along with their animations, look extremely ugly and janky, making this much harder to look at and play as a result, the music is some of the most forgettable that I have ever heard in a video game, so much so that I’m not even gonna bother looking it up to give a full opinion on it, and the gameplay/control is what you would expect from a game in this genre, except it feels a million times worse than any other beat ‘em up that I have ever played.
The game is your typical arcade beat ‘em up, where you take control of Fucko or Jerknuts over here, go through a set of six different levels, with three of them being original, and three of the other ones being just the same Street level over and over again, beat up everybody and anyone that you come across, which isn’t just limited to the killer zombie clowns, but also with other circus performers, random passerbys on the street, cops, hippies, and so on, gather several food items that can heal you or give you temporary powerups, as well as several weapons that you can use to assist you in combat, and take on several bosses that feel just as horrible to fight as all of the other enemies in the game. All of the typical elements that you would find in a beat ‘em up are here, and when you play it for yourself, you can feel that there is, indeed, a good game hidden in here somewhere, like there is the potential for this to actually be of decent quality for what it is, but it is all held back by not just how generic and lifeless it really is, but also because of how AWFUL it feels to play.
You know how in most beat ‘em ups, whenever you throw any kind of attack, like a punch or a kick or whatever, there is some sort of connection with the hit? Like, you can feel the impact it makes onto the enemy, and when you pull off combos and special moves, it makes that feeling even better than before? Well, in Ninja Clowns, you don’t get that feeling of satisfaction or connection at all. Any time you hit any enemy with any sort of attack, there is no semblance of impact or combat whatsoever, feeling like you are just swatting at air until the thing in front of you falls down and dies, and none of the different combos and special moves that you can pull off help with that either. I can’t necessarily describe it in the best way possible, cause my brain is too small, but when you sit down and play the game for yourself, you’ll know exactly what I mean.
What doesn’t help this feeling either is the fact that the rest of the game feels just as lazy and soulless as the combat does. The stages themselves feel like they drag on forever, having no proper sense of momentum as you go through and beat up the dudes, which is weird, because the stages aren’t long at all, and yet, I feel like years have gone by by the time I finish one of them. Not to mention, there are bonus stages in-between some of the levels, and both of them feel completely lifeless, with the objects you are meant to destroy being spread out, small, and insignificant, to the point where it doesn’t feel as rewarding to smash everything, which is definitely not the feeling you should be getting across when it comes to a bonus stage. Sure, some of the powerups that you get can help make the fights and stages somewhat more enjoyable, but that’s only because the enemies die faster, as the weapons and powerups also feel like they have no real weight to them either, making it so that you don’t really feel all too powerful or enhanced whenever you get them.
With all that being said though, I will give the game some credit, because despite how awful the main gameplay is, I will give it credit for sticking close to its clowney motif. Despite how ugly everything looks, it’s all goofy enough to fit well with the theme, with exaggerated sprites, animations, and bosses galore, and even the weapons and items you get are themed around what a clown would use, or what you would find at a carnival, which I can definitely appreciate. However, none of that helps make the gameplay feel any less mind numbing and boring, especially since this game also pulls in some arcade syndrome for you in the last couple of stages, forcing you to have to spam your special moves in order to make it through while sustaining the least amount of damage possible. At that point though, I was just feeling numb, and was hoping to get the game over with as soon as possible.
Overall, despite how it does have fun with itself when it comes to the circus-y theme it has going on, Ninja Clowns is one of the worst beat ‘em ups, dare I say THE worst one, I have ever played, pairing terrible combat, momentum, and mechanics right alongside lifeless stages, bosses, and bonus stages, making the game feel like it drags on for an eternity when it can actually be beaten in 20 minutes. Don’t even bother trying to play this yourself, no matter how much of a fan you are of clowns or beat ‘em ups, because there is nothing here worth of substance that you will find, so I think it is for the best that we all now go ahead and move on with our lives, while completely forgetting this game ever existed………………. although, I do have to mention one more thing, and that is the fact that despite the fact that the game is called NINJA Clowns, there are no ninjas or ninja-like abilities to be found in this game. The clowns don’t fight like ninjas either, so really, this game is just lying to your face from the beginning, so I should’ve seen the signs.
Game #617
I honestly had no clue what to expect when going into this game, other then it probably wasn’t gonna be all that good, as I had never heard of it before a day or two ago, and really, can ya blame me? It’s fucking Ninja Clowns, probably one of the most forgettable games ever made in the history of ever. Hell, it’s so forgettable, that Backloggd didn’t even bother to properly capitalize the name! (watch it get capitalized right after this review, just to make me look a dumbass) But I was too entranced with the game either way despite that: I needed to see just what this game was all about, just so I can put this demon to rest, and that it’ll be out of my mind forever. So, I beat the entire thing in 20 minutes or so, and I came to the conclusion that it was one of the worst beat ‘em ups I have ever played in my life.
The story is appropriately stupid enough, where in the generic town of Centerville, the evil Twisto launches his diabolical plan to take the citizens of the town and turn them into killer zombie clowns, all for the purpose of taking over the world, so it is up to…. these two random clowns (I couldn’t find their names) to set out to stop Twisto and his twisted scheme from being carried out, which is only the best plot ever made in the history of video games, and you can’t convince me otherwise. The graphics are terrible, with the environments and world looking so plain, boring, and uninspired, and the sprites for all of the characters and enemies, along with their animations, look extremely ugly and janky, making this much harder to look at and play as a result, the music is some of the most forgettable that I have ever heard in a video game, so much so that I’m not even gonna bother looking it up to give a full opinion on it, and the gameplay/control is what you would expect from a game in this genre, except it feels a million times worse than any other beat ‘em up that I have ever played.
The game is your typical arcade beat ‘em up, where you take control of Fucko or Jerknuts over here, go through a set of six different levels, with three of them being original, and three of the other ones being just the same Street level over and over again, beat up everybody and anyone that you come across, which isn’t just limited to the killer zombie clowns, but also with other circus performers, random passerbys on the street, cops, hippies, and so on, gather several food items that can heal you or give you temporary powerups, as well as several weapons that you can use to assist you in combat, and take on several bosses that feel just as horrible to fight as all of the other enemies in the game. All of the typical elements that you would find in a beat ‘em up are here, and when you play it for yourself, you can feel that there is, indeed, a good game hidden in here somewhere, like there is the potential for this to actually be of decent quality for what it is, but it is all held back by not just how generic and lifeless it really is, but also because of how AWFUL it feels to play.
You know how in most beat ‘em ups, whenever you throw any kind of attack, like a punch or a kick or whatever, there is some sort of connection with the hit? Like, you can feel the impact it makes onto the enemy, and when you pull off combos and special moves, it makes that feeling even better than before? Well, in Ninja Clowns, you don’t get that feeling of satisfaction or connection at all. Any time you hit any enemy with any sort of attack, there is no semblance of impact or combat whatsoever, feeling like you are just swatting at air until the thing in front of you falls down and dies, and none of the different combos and special moves that you can pull off help with that either. I can’t necessarily describe it in the best way possible, cause my brain is too small, but when you sit down and play the game for yourself, you’ll know exactly what I mean.
What doesn’t help this feeling either is the fact that the rest of the game feels just as lazy and soulless as the combat does. The stages themselves feel like they drag on forever, having no proper sense of momentum as you go through and beat up the dudes, which is weird, because the stages aren’t long at all, and yet, I feel like years have gone by by the time I finish one of them. Not to mention, there are bonus stages in-between some of the levels, and both of them feel completely lifeless, with the objects you are meant to destroy being spread out, small, and insignificant, to the point where it doesn’t feel as rewarding to smash everything, which is definitely not the feeling you should be getting across when it comes to a bonus stage. Sure, some of the powerups that you get can help make the fights and stages somewhat more enjoyable, but that’s only because the enemies die faster, as the weapons and powerups also feel like they have no real weight to them either, making it so that you don’t really feel all too powerful or enhanced whenever you get them.
With all that being said though, I will give the game some credit, because despite how awful the main gameplay is, I will give it credit for sticking close to its clowney motif. Despite how ugly everything looks, it’s all goofy enough to fit well with the theme, with exaggerated sprites, animations, and bosses galore, and even the weapons and items you get are themed around what a clown would use, or what you would find at a carnival, which I can definitely appreciate. However, none of that helps make the gameplay feel any less mind numbing and boring, especially since this game also pulls in some arcade syndrome for you in the last couple of stages, forcing you to have to spam your special moves in order to make it through while sustaining the least amount of damage possible. At that point though, I was just feeling numb, and was hoping to get the game over with as soon as possible.
Overall, despite how it does have fun with itself when it comes to the circus-y theme it has going on, Ninja Clowns is one of the worst beat ‘em ups, dare I say THE worst one, I have ever played, pairing terrible combat, momentum, and mechanics right alongside lifeless stages, bosses, and bonus stages, making the game feel like it drags on for an eternity when it can actually be beaten in 20 minutes. Don’t even bother trying to play this yourself, no matter how much of a fan you are of clowns or beat ‘em ups, because there is nothing here worth of substance that you will find, so I think it is for the best that we all now go ahead and move on with our lives, while completely forgetting this game ever existed………………. although, I do have to mention one more thing, and that is the fact that despite the fact that the game is called NINJA Clowns, there are no ninjas or ninja-like abilities to be found in this game. The clowns don’t fight like ninjas either, so really, this game is just lying to your face from the beginning, so I should’ve seen the signs.
Game #617