personal dump ahead, feel free to skip this one ^_~
cw: vague game typical mentions of suicide and self harm, minor mention of gender dysphoria, minor spoilers

“No one really likes what I make, but I think that’s OK.
To create is my only smile, regardless.” ▷

i find as more time passes it becomes increasingly difficult to create a respectful, nongratuitous or exaggerated mental illness narrative in gaming. i don’t find the way my own brain speaks to me as very respectful either though. this little renpy title was released only around a year prior to this review, and i felt momo’s searing monologue and pleas were dangerously familiar during a particularly rough chapter of my mid to late 20s.

quite a lot is bad right now! i’m stuck presenting as a gender i don’t associate with in a meager retail assistant role, suffering customers who look at me like i’m a bug they’ve stepped on. i endure chronic muscular pain and poor circulation which leaves me barely recovered enough for my next shift. i bite back an intense anger that doesn’t feel like me, having to physically restrain myself from striking out against a wall. i’m creatively starved and have shamefully not drawn even a single sketch for weeks, contributing to my already passive guilt. “just draw for fun! just do it!” yeah, right.

it’s alright though, i guess. i’m medicated again on a comfortable dose, speaking with a therapist fortnightly, and trying to do what i love in the simplest way possible, like playing these games and writing these silly reviews!! like momo, there are people who love me, but my (her) brain doesn't take much effort to forget these wonderful things, of course.

it’s easy enough to say i saw myself in this cute doll, far from the first person to i’m sure. To echo Archagent’s sentiment from her own wonderful review you should totally check out, there’s something idealised about being a mentally ill doll, wearing a cute little dress with bright anime eyes and thin ball joint arms and legs. this allure is heightened in eve’s dreamlike vignette digital photography she (assumed pronoun, please feel free to correct!) posts to her twitter. plastic arms manipulated into a cheer, to brandish an item, or perhaps legs bent to sit upon something soft in introspection. these limbs are not my responsibility. nothing is.

12 years ago i almost fell just like momo did. i relapse, grow frustrated at those who care about me simply because they do, and overindulge in the worst in me. but i’d like to believe there’s joy and light out there, and that none of this pain was for nothing.

thanks for reading my diary! you should read momo’s too☆

"I'm surprised I still have tears after all this time. Well. I'll just stand here and cry for a while. Tears are good. I'll calm down and go on."

a severe downgrade from the developer's previous I live under your house., My Monstrous Roommate. illustrates living with an obvious metaphor for mental illness. for a bit of praise, SpoocleMacBoogle really has a talent for constructing an amazing atmosphere across their titles, with the diverse environments present in this particular title utilising simple proximity sound cues, noise or dithering visual filters, and slow walking speed within sparse 3d realms to truly simulate dreamscapes full of dread. there is little reliance on jumpscares across the board, highlighting the strange occurrences during sleep.

that aside, the elephant in the room present when playing their titles is the use of AI renders as illustrations or CGs. as stated in a small tweet thread, Spoocle notes the strange imperfections in "machine art" that are perfect for horror games, and that funds for hiring a creative are understandably limited. most notable however, is that they believe a real artist would not achieve the same quality or effect as the generated images, before waxing poetic about the future of neural networks and how they are supposedly the first to ever create games utilising them, scrambling to mention at least they compose the music.

as a visual artist myself this was quite disappointing. it's true it was the visual aesthetics and creature design which initially drew me to their titles, but Spoocle clearly displays a fantastic skill for crafting an atmosphere, 3d modelling, and map design. i simply wish they would trust someone to match their pace, and can only hope they will consider compensating the artists their neural networks stand upon sometime, or at least post an open call for freelance horror illustrators in future projects.

"is it not for yourself you do these things? finding answers to fill the parts of you that are empty or shredded with scars?"

incidentally ended up playing two religiously themed rpgmaker horror games in a few months, with the former shining far brighter.

the evocative title and moody sample screenshots really grabbed my attention, and i wanted to like it. it started strong in atmosphere and sound design specifically, and mole's utmost belief in their faith and god was legitimately compelling. unfortunately a poor portrayal of what i think was the developer's perspective on alters, as well as the vocal performances and all but one lyrical song killed the mood in a really huge way; the worst offender being the flat ending sequence segueing into an incredibly tone-deaf credits song which had me awkwardly shifting in my seat, being clipped short mid-sentence to unceremoniously boot me back to the main menu.

i only found out following finishing that the developer had made a handful of games i personally found terribly boring and uninteresting in the past, something i wish i'd double checked in hindsight. there was just a certain consideration missing here, i'd only recommend it for the nice environmental mapping, encounter scripting, lighting, and free price tag alone.

played for the backloggd discord's game of the week may 9 - may 15, 2023

on the internet, there's no such thing as being truly alone. that niche video game review on youtube will often have a handful of views from others who played it and are looking to connect over it, that soundcloud mix a few listens, that fanfiction some views. that piece of artwork, some likes.

i've drawn digital art and posted it online for upwards to 11 years. i've never cultivated much of a persisting viewerbase outside of very close friends, i don't follow trends (outside of QRTing the stray engagement farm tweet or my friends' art trains), and i often don't draw fanworks for popular or recent media. as i've grown older, i've become less focused on my popularity and reach and more on my own self improvement, long apathetic to tagging systems and algorithms and americentric "when to post" infographs. i'm here now despite it all for earnest self expression and projecting my vision outward, which i feel Bird Museum reflected in me.

in 2020, over 1000 participants produced their individual perspectives of birds and were compiled into an interactive, meditative experience; a feat only made feasible by the bonds we share online. some are derived from preestablished media, others are naturalist sketches not too distant from an educational illustrative book, even more are simply playful, but all are transparent with a want to be seen. a familiar sentiment.

while artist credits can be found below every piece, the exact context in which they were created is unspecified. what drove this artist to produce an image of your common bird this way? how did they come to pick these colours, these shapes? did they have a particular bird in mind? what software do they prefer, or maybe what paper? what pencil...?

there are more artists just online right now than i can ever hope to explore, and largely online artistic collaboration like this project and the ever increasing mainstream appeal for collaborative zines and fanbooks comforts me whilst living in an isolated rural community starved of art.

this is Bird Museum, a game for artists like me.

this review degenerated into a personal word salad of waxing poetic on what it means for me to create in the digital age, and i'm only a lil sorry ^_~

played for the backloggd discord's game of the week may 2 - may 8, 2023

Iji is an inspired historical freeware title which i pay plenty of respect to, but simply did not have the patience for. while i admire the weightiness of the legitimate "choices matter" philosophy and synth drum samples, one small part of an incredibly powerful score (my personal highlight), the repetitive level and encounter design quickly grew dull, most certainly owed to poor upgrade investments. no one's fault but my own.

as well as the title definitely not being to my genre, i tried but just would not mesh. i more or less considered my experience of it alike a tasting platter, content in seeing Iji how i have, and may pursue a video or two to get some closure on her compelling story which begs completion of any kind.

it's not you, Iji, it's me :(

tedious, derivative. lured by the intriguing graphical direction, the promise of a horror anthology with an overarching narrative, and Alpha Beta Gamer's somewhat positive reception (a very well trusted source of mine) and subsequently disappointed.

i intended to individually review each of the chapters playable here, but ended up with a few limp notes as the game offered little engagement to me. the voice performance, which i turned off after finishing one chapter of four, left much to be desired, and (minor contextless spoiler) the inclusion of yet another "i have a mental illness and suffer from trauma so the only recourse is to end my life" story is displeasing at best. the two star rating is mainly in praise of the range of pixel artwork on display across the chapters which was cohesive and pleasing to the eye, lending to each story's theme and setting.

here's to being the first steam title i've ever had refunded, as well as the first horror game to my knowledge to feature an unironic vine boom sound effect as a scare stinger.

i liked it! did some fun things, especially a part in a later area that made me smile. i feel Pikasprey's own letsplay that i consulted to find a particular key was so sharply critical on himself for a game that i found really charming and wasn't bored by at all. sound design is worth mentioning with very organic touches only heightened by the lack of any bgm whatsoever outside of chase sequences, i do just wish there was more puzzle content that wasn't simply reading notes.

i have no interest in the remake as i found its design at a glance to be far too busy and didn't mesh with the detailed sprites, as well as being content with this experience as is. rpgmaker horror continues to be a large comfort in bad times.

"Put my head through"

i can't even explain why i've always loved this game, along with every single other of Kona5's projects (akemi-tan is well loved between my brother and i). this is an extremely barebones rpgmaker atmospheric horror title that can be completed in one sitting blind, yet i come back every year or so to play it again. why? somewhat spoilers ahead, but this game is 10 minutes long so i didn't feel it appropriate to mark it with a proper warning.

from the first time the player gains control as Youko, amputating murderer, i'm instantly captured in the surreal bgm, cushioning the blow of the casual slaughter which lines the halls of the correctional facility we find ourselves in; streaks of blood marking the walls and floor, bisected naked bodies miraculously standing at full attention, loose limbs strewn about the place. appropriately distanced from the bloodshed, we descend by ladder below the once-pristine prison into a black lodge-esque handful of rooms, showcasing the depths of its dreamscapes.

a pair of mannequin women of two-tone colour flank a decapitated head presented on a plate. a typical sliding plate puzzle depicting a young girl mischievously grinning, the shell of a half watermelon dripping evocative crimson down her face. a large bust of a half-scarred or burned woman (presumably Youko, bearing her resemblence) tears at the flesh on her face, mouth open baring her teeth in a scream, or laughter.

Upon finding a "samurai sword" within a room of entrancing percussion, Youko sets about her final work in this life. thankfully, her acquiescent fellow inmates are more than willing to lend a hand.

i am absolutely captivated by a game with music that doesn't even loop correctly, and i still can't explain to you why. this is a mere attempt at the feat, and to externalise my views and thoughts on the imagery therein after so many playthroughs. that a title this short and with such little to do is so open to interpretation i think is something to be praised. give it a try, it won't take you long.

i personally harbour no religious ties or guilt whatsoever myself, but tomorrow won't come's portrayal of childhood experiences and how they can shape our futures felt extremely tangible and sharp. religious organisations and hierarchies and how they assert control over the faithful, harmful and avoidant thinking strategies which only result in self-mutilating apathy, the cling to a fading sense of self.

etherane's textured illustrations and simplistic yet expressive characters are wonderfully charming. i enjoyed a few tracks on the score, but the very significant "noise" sound had an awful effect on my tinnitus ass. i also had little patience for a very small segment midway through, and did consult a guide for both this area and obtaining the other, difficult to obtain ending. spending the extra half hour to experience the full story was well worth it however.

I started playing this ready to open this review with a guilty "it's not for me" or a dismal "I didn't mesh with this", but the finale and conclusion was so special and important to me; moreso following reading vghime's own afterword and breakdown.

Experienced over a late evening, gripping me halfway through. It's just about hitting 2.30 in the morning and I'm disappointed I had not heard of this sooner despite closely following vghime's online translation career for many years. Yes, it's true I personally wasn't particularly fond of the BGM, and yes, I did find a few of the deaths cheap especially towards the start of the game when I was learning the ropes. But it was all so surface level compared to the impact this had on me, really. I liked this game.