Hawl
Log Status
Completed
Playing
Backlog
Wishlist
Rating
Time Played
--
Days in Journal
2 days
Last played
August 1, 2023
First played
April 11, 2023
Platforms Played
It's ok boys, I've used a troll magic to put a curse on the bastard responsible for those stone stacking bullshit. You can sleep safe now knowing he will spend 1/4 of his remaining lifetime suffering from explosive diarrhea.
Speaking of shit, I want to congratulate ubisoft for making first game in my life, where I willingly changed my character from female to male right after the first hour. It's unbelievable how atrocious the writing is. You know kids, no matter what anyone tells you, female and male brain chemicals are different. You can't think and act like a man in a woman's body. Yes, absurdly strong, stupid and straightforward women exist in media, but their presence falls apart aside comedic roles. You absolutely cannot make such a character and expect audience to feel like it's a real human bean.
Regarding setting, how come every single one of those unwashed pagan vikings can read and look like they came right out of spa salon (except for women of course because we cannot make them sexy, twitter degenerates are constantly watching us)? How come if I kill civilians on a raid with a cleave of my huge axe I get desynchronized? What the actual fuck? What in history lessons told you that vikings were merciful or educated?
Ok, let's relax a bit. You know, first couple of hours, around the end of first england region are actually fun. The side quests provide little silly stories like couple fucking in the middle of a fire and everything feels like a decent game. But then it turns into goddamn stone stacking, mushroom eating, view angle finding, quest fetching suffering that hid underneath first hours and you desperately start searching for something to garrote yourself with. It reminds me a lot of those shareware games of old, where developers put all their ideas into first couple levels which were free and then made a filler bullshit designed to scam you out of your money. If only this game was around a hundred or so hours shorted, I would sing it praises. I want shorter games with worse graphics. Fuck your infinite hour grindfests with hollywood faces. But we get what we got.
Relaxed? Great, let's continue. I challenge you to find one working mechanic in this game. Stealth? Does not work, enemies either see you from another region or can't notice that you killed their buddy they were just chatting with. Combat? You either oneshot everything in your wake or slash a fucking regenerating sponge with a wet noodle providing neither the crunchy impact nor enjoyment. Parkour? Ha ha, your parkour only works for mountains, if you see anything more advanced, like a window, prepare to cry while watching Eivor do everything in his power to jump across or around it but not even thinking about coming through. It makes me extremely sad seeing this after almost perfect parkour iteration we saw in unity and syndicate. Even fucking fishing is one of the most horrible implementations I've ever had displeasure of experiencing. But you can say "Oh, but Hawl, you magnificent stud, the stealth is an actual stat, you need to level it up for it to work" to which I will answer fuck you, go level up your adaptivity in dark souls 2. Nothing in this game is working properly. Even bloody in-game store loads half the time.
Ok, plot. Uhm, was there even a cohesive story? You come to england with your brother, who gets captured in the beginning, who you rescue fifty hours later and then he just sits on his bed for another fifty hours doing nothing before saying "Aight, time to go into ending area". What the fuck? The story is so thinly spread it reminds me of my poor times when I had to spread my butter on a piece of bread so thin you couldn't even see it. Tasted good though. The only thing I remember after finishing this slog is hating every second of plot except retarded out-of-the-ass love story arc in one of the regions. We did nothing, we got nothing. I hate Sigurd, I hate Dag, I hate almost every one. I especially hate Layla Hassan who can't shut up for a second and is named after first assassin because obviously the audience is so retarded they couldn't get who she is.
How come after three games the only good one is the one with the worst setting imaginable? How come drab yellow desert with square minecraft dirthouses plays and feels a hundred times better than anything coming after it?
I feel like I have to say at least one good thing about this abomination. I'm feeling generous today, so I'll give you three. Firstly, the rap battles were shallow but fun. Secondly, the first cursed totems you see are designed beautifully unsettling, I want to give a thumb up for a dude responsible for those little locations and would like to see something like that in hexe, which I'm obviously going to play because I have room temperature iq and learn nothing from my suffering. And thirdly, this game has one of the mostest bestest chunkiest fluffiest pettablest cats in gaming history.
Speaking of shit, I want to congratulate ubisoft for making first game in my life, where I willingly changed my character from female to male right after the first hour. It's unbelievable how atrocious the writing is. You know kids, no matter what anyone tells you, female and male brain chemicals are different. You can't think and act like a man in a woman's body. Yes, absurdly strong, stupid and straightforward women exist in media, but their presence falls apart aside comedic roles. You absolutely cannot make such a character and expect audience to feel like it's a real human bean.
Regarding setting, how come every single one of those unwashed pagan vikings can read and look like they came right out of spa salon (except for women of course because we cannot make them sexy, twitter degenerates are constantly watching us)? How come if I kill civilians on a raid with a cleave of my huge axe I get desynchronized? What the actual fuck? What in history lessons told you that vikings were merciful or educated?
Ok, let's relax a bit. You know, first couple of hours, around the end of first england region are actually fun. The side quests provide little silly stories like couple fucking in the middle of a fire and everything feels like a decent game. But then it turns into goddamn stone stacking, mushroom eating, view angle finding, quest fetching suffering that hid underneath first hours and you desperately start searching for something to garrote yourself with. It reminds me a lot of those shareware games of old, where developers put all their ideas into first couple levels which were free and then made a filler bullshit designed to scam you out of your money. If only this game was around a hundred or so hours shorted, I would sing it praises. I want shorter games with worse graphics. Fuck your infinite hour grindfests with hollywood faces. But we get what we got.
Relaxed? Great, let's continue. I challenge you to find one working mechanic in this game. Stealth? Does not work, enemies either see you from another region or can't notice that you killed their buddy they were just chatting with. Combat? You either oneshot everything in your wake or slash a fucking regenerating sponge with a wet noodle providing neither the crunchy impact nor enjoyment. Parkour? Ha ha, your parkour only works for mountains, if you see anything more advanced, like a window, prepare to cry while watching Eivor do everything in his power to jump across or around it but not even thinking about coming through. It makes me extremely sad seeing this after almost perfect parkour iteration we saw in unity and syndicate. Even fucking fishing is one of the most horrible implementations I've ever had displeasure of experiencing. But you can say "Oh, but Hawl, you magnificent stud, the stealth is an actual stat, you need to level it up for it to work" to which I will answer fuck you, go level up your adaptivity in dark souls 2. Nothing in this game is working properly. Even bloody in-game store loads half the time.
Ok, plot. Uhm, was there even a cohesive story? You come to england with your brother, who gets captured in the beginning, who you rescue fifty hours later and then he just sits on his bed for another fifty hours doing nothing before saying "Aight, time to go into ending area". What the fuck? The story is so thinly spread it reminds me of my poor times when I had to spread my butter on a piece of bread so thin you couldn't even see it. Tasted good though. The only thing I remember after finishing this slog is hating every second of plot except retarded out-of-the-ass love story arc in one of the regions. We did nothing, we got nothing. I hate Sigurd, I hate Dag, I hate almost every one. I especially hate Layla Hassan who can't shut up for a second and is named after first assassin because obviously the audience is so retarded they couldn't get who she is.
How come after three games the only good one is the one with the worst setting imaginable? How come drab yellow desert with square minecraft dirthouses plays and feels a hundred times better than anything coming after it?
I feel like I have to say at least one good thing about this abomination. I'm feeling generous today, so I'll give you three. Firstly, the rap battles were shallow but fun. Secondly, the first cursed totems you see are designed beautifully unsettling, I want to give a thumb up for a dude responsible for those little locations and would like to see something like that in hexe, which I'm obviously going to play because I have room temperature iq and learn nothing from my suffering. And thirdly, this game has one of the mostest bestest chunkiest fluffiest pettablest cats in gaming history.