This review contains spoilers
Int. Sanzaru Games HQ, Afternoon
Several execs and game devs sit in different chairs in the conference room. There’s an uneasy tension in the air. A figure goes up to the podium, lightly tapping the mic.
Nerdie: Good afternoon. So glad to see you all here. We’ll begin immediately.
The camera shifted to the projector screen. A placeholder photo of the Sly Cooper logo sits in the center. The number 5 has been crudely photoshopped next to the insignia.
Nerdie: My pitch to you goes as follows. Our story begins in Paris France. Sly Cooper and his trusted friend Bentley are heisting as per usual. Inspector Carmelita Fox continues her relentless pursuit of the thieves. All is seemingly normal in the Cooper universe.
But Bentley taking a newfound interest in history that Sly doesn't understand. Carmelita is particularly enraged with the thieves in a way Sly finds confusing.
At the end of the first level, the two enter a scuffle. One blast goes wrong and Sly collapses to the ground, seemingly dead. His body falls apart and we see the truth: this is a robot double Bentley has created. Sly Cooper is still trapped in ancient Egypt.
Audience: Confused muttering
Nerdie: For the second level, we return to the real Sly in Egypt. He’s trying to return to the present, but the odds are against him. He comes to rely on two people in the past: one of his ancestors and a young carpenter bird. In their attempts to defeat a local crime lord, Sly’s ancestor exposes that he has no interest in stealing from only criminals. He wants to steal for the average Joe, the poor, the needy. The idea that there could be an immortal Cooper shakes Sly’s sense of identity.
The narrative jumps between the past and the present for several levels. Bentley, Carmelita, and Murray are faced with new villains, with Slybot used to handle much of their work. Slybot himself is going through his own crisis and his discomfort as a botched, horrific recreation of something good.
Audience: One dev scowls a little at the blatant commentary
Nerdie: One of the villains is Penelope, who continues as a threat to the heroes even as we learn more about her flaws and her issues trusting people. Her new boss eventually betrays her, shoving her into some high tech magic portal of some kind.
In Ancient Egypt, Sly’s crusade to try and save lives only creates more and more havoc for his timid carpenter friend. The man’s home and livelihood destroyed by Sly’s enemies. The young worker eventually snaps, proclaiming that he’ll destroy both Sly and the Cooper clan, taking on the moniker of Clockwerk. He shoves Sly into a magic portal to the afterlife, out of pure hatred.
It’s here where Sly and Penelope meet. Despite hating each other, they agree to work together to escape from the afterlife and return to the present. Sly and Penelope heist hell itself.
Ad exec: stands up in horror
Nerdie: Of course, we won’t actually call it hell, we’ll just imply it. Some kind of goofy Zootopia/Pixar afterlife. In fact, add in some vampires and zombies. The kids love the Halloween theme, the parents chuckle at the winks to the adults. In fact, we can use shots of this in our advertising. “Sly Cooper: Back from the Dead”
Ad exec: sits down, appeased and intrigued
Nerdie: We also use this section to further develop Penelope. We need to tie together her heroic status in Sly 3 and her villain turn in Sly 4. Where did she come from? What is her true nature? Focusing on the literal ghosts of her past is good for her.
The final level has Sly back on Earth, reunited with friends. Slybot and the magic stuff clash together in a spectacle of villainy. It’s a dramatic story about identity, the ghosts of our pasts, and how to accept ourselves beyond all that. And that, is how Sly 5 can work. Any questions?
Scenario writer: uh, yes. What’s uh… why? Why all of this?
Nerdie: Well, the Egypt plotline needs to happen. Otherwise, the cliffhanger at the end of Sly 4 would be a pointless marketing tactic. Which, obviously it’s not. That- that would be ridiculous. If it was so pointless, this plotline in my- OUR Sly 5 wouldn’t exist!
Scenario writer: Uh… huh. And the robot thing?
Nerdie: Well, it seemed cruel to leave Bentley and the others ignored for so long, but you still need Sly’s gameplay mechanics. So, robot. Building a narrative arc with a potential new rival would be in the franchise’s interest.
Game dev: Multiple desert levels though? That could be tedious for players.
Nerdie: Maybe you shouldn’t have ended Sly 4 with trapping him in Egypt then. Look, we can experiment and save on assets Maybe make a Hitman style level. I’m open to suggestions.
Scenario writer: To be honest, it just seems like a lot of this game you’ve created relies on walking back Sly 4 or retroactively justifying it.
Nerdie: Of course Sly 4 was justified in existing. Sly 5 wouldn’t exist without it!
Game dev: o-okay but Sly 5 doesn’t exist. you’re pitching it right now.
Nerdie: But- listen, you aren’t understanding, the Sly franchise needs this. It needs these ideas I’m giving you. Otherwise it’s dead. It was all for nothing.
Scenario writer: Maybe it’s okay that it’s dead. Maybe Sly 4 shouldn’t have existed at all. Maybe a franchise should just be allowed to end. I mean, what do you actually like about Sly 4?
Nerdie: Uh. The gameplay is actually quite nice. The time travel gimmick is fun. The level design is good. There’s good stuff in here, I think.
Game dev: Then shouldn’t you leave it at that? Making up a fictional game in your head that fixes all the problems you have with Sly 4 doesn’t actually add anything new to the world. Would your hypothetical Sly 5 be able to stand on its own, as a good original game, without the context of Sly 4? The strength of the original trilogy was that each game could stand on its own and build new ideas. What you’re doing isn’t building. It’s desperately trying to fix a story instead of writing a new one.
Nerdie: I AM NO LONGER OPEN TO SUGGESTIONS
Game exec: Also, this company is a subsidiary of Facebook now. This needs to Occulus compatible.
Nerdie: Fuck you.
Game exec: oh you’re right, sorry, I meant that we’re a subsidiary of the Meta now.
Nerdie: FUCK YOU.
Several execs and game devs sit in different chairs in the conference room. There’s an uneasy tension in the air. A figure goes up to the podium, lightly tapping the mic.
Nerdie: Good afternoon. So glad to see you all here. We’ll begin immediately.
The camera shifted to the projector screen. A placeholder photo of the Sly Cooper logo sits in the center. The number 5 has been crudely photoshopped next to the insignia.
Nerdie: My pitch to you goes as follows. Our story begins in Paris France. Sly Cooper and his trusted friend Bentley are heisting as per usual. Inspector Carmelita Fox continues her relentless pursuit of the thieves. All is seemingly normal in the Cooper universe.
But Bentley taking a newfound interest in history that Sly doesn't understand. Carmelita is particularly enraged with the thieves in a way Sly finds confusing.
At the end of the first level, the two enter a scuffle. One blast goes wrong and Sly collapses to the ground, seemingly dead. His body falls apart and we see the truth: this is a robot double Bentley has created. Sly Cooper is still trapped in ancient Egypt.
Audience: Confused muttering
Nerdie: For the second level, we return to the real Sly in Egypt. He’s trying to return to the present, but the odds are against him. He comes to rely on two people in the past: one of his ancestors and a young carpenter bird. In their attempts to defeat a local crime lord, Sly’s ancestor exposes that he has no interest in stealing from only criminals. He wants to steal for the average Joe, the poor, the needy. The idea that there could be an immortal Cooper shakes Sly’s sense of identity.
The narrative jumps between the past and the present for several levels. Bentley, Carmelita, and Murray are faced with new villains, with Slybot used to handle much of their work. Slybot himself is going through his own crisis and his discomfort as a botched, horrific recreation of something good.
Audience: One dev scowls a little at the blatant commentary
Nerdie: One of the villains is Penelope, who continues as a threat to the heroes even as we learn more about her flaws and her issues trusting people. Her new boss eventually betrays her, shoving her into some high tech magic portal of some kind.
In Ancient Egypt, Sly’s crusade to try and save lives only creates more and more havoc for his timid carpenter friend. The man’s home and livelihood destroyed by Sly’s enemies. The young worker eventually snaps, proclaiming that he’ll destroy both Sly and the Cooper clan, taking on the moniker of Clockwerk. He shoves Sly into a magic portal to the afterlife, out of pure hatred.
It’s here where Sly and Penelope meet. Despite hating each other, they agree to work together to escape from the afterlife and return to the present. Sly and Penelope heist hell itself.
Ad exec: stands up in horror
Nerdie: Of course, we won’t actually call it hell, we’ll just imply it. Some kind of goofy Zootopia/Pixar afterlife. In fact, add in some vampires and zombies. The kids love the Halloween theme, the parents chuckle at the winks to the adults. In fact, we can use shots of this in our advertising. “Sly Cooper: Back from the Dead”
Ad exec: sits down, appeased and intrigued
Nerdie: We also use this section to further develop Penelope. We need to tie together her heroic status in Sly 3 and her villain turn in Sly 4. Where did she come from? What is her true nature? Focusing on the literal ghosts of her past is good for her.
The final level has Sly back on Earth, reunited with friends. Slybot and the magic stuff clash together in a spectacle of villainy. It’s a dramatic story about identity, the ghosts of our pasts, and how to accept ourselves beyond all that. And that, is how Sly 5 can work. Any questions?
Scenario writer: uh, yes. What’s uh… why? Why all of this?
Nerdie: Well, the Egypt plotline needs to happen. Otherwise, the cliffhanger at the end of Sly 4 would be a pointless marketing tactic. Which, obviously it’s not. That- that would be ridiculous. If it was so pointless, this plotline in my- OUR Sly 5 wouldn’t exist!
Scenario writer: Uh… huh. And the robot thing?
Nerdie: Well, it seemed cruel to leave Bentley and the others ignored for so long, but you still need Sly’s gameplay mechanics. So, robot. Building a narrative arc with a potential new rival would be in the franchise’s interest.
Game dev: Multiple desert levels though? That could be tedious for players.
Nerdie: Maybe you shouldn’t have ended Sly 4 with trapping him in Egypt then. Look, we can experiment and save on assets Maybe make a Hitman style level. I’m open to suggestions.
Scenario writer: To be honest, it just seems like a lot of this game you’ve created relies on walking back Sly 4 or retroactively justifying it.
Nerdie: Of course Sly 4 was justified in existing. Sly 5 wouldn’t exist without it!
Game dev: o-okay but Sly 5 doesn’t exist. you’re pitching it right now.
Nerdie: But- listen, you aren’t understanding, the Sly franchise needs this. It needs these ideas I’m giving you. Otherwise it’s dead. It was all for nothing.
Scenario writer: Maybe it’s okay that it’s dead. Maybe Sly 4 shouldn’t have existed at all. Maybe a franchise should just be allowed to end. I mean, what do you actually like about Sly 4?
Nerdie: Uh. The gameplay is actually quite nice. The time travel gimmick is fun. The level design is good. There’s good stuff in here, I think.
Game dev: Then shouldn’t you leave it at that? Making up a fictional game in your head that fixes all the problems you have with Sly 4 doesn’t actually add anything new to the world. Would your hypothetical Sly 5 be able to stand on its own, as a good original game, without the context of Sly 4? The strength of the original trilogy was that each game could stand on its own and build new ideas. What you’re doing isn’t building. It’s desperately trying to fix a story instead of writing a new one.
Nerdie: I AM NO LONGER OPEN TO SUGGESTIONS
Game exec: Also, this company is a subsidiary of Facebook now. This needs to Occulus compatible.
Nerdie: Fuck you.
Game exec: oh you’re right, sorry, I meant that we’re a subsidiary of the Meta now.
Nerdie: FUCK YOU.
8 Comments
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I for one, welcome our WalkBack Overlords.
I'm gonna replay Sly 4 in the future but this funny review is basically how I feel about it, and why (even though probably not your intention) I'm not exactly as keen on the idea of a fifth game like others are clamoring for. It's dumb S4 ends on a cliffhanger in a game whose writing is a far cry from the PS2 trilogy, but the chances of making a new game that not only retroactively makes the previous one better in hindsight, but also ties together everything is... a tall order, to put it lightly.
No yeah, like, its game that doesn't need to exist but my brain always wants to exist. I always want more of the thing I like, but that's not what media should be. There's a reason things need to end.
I don't even necessarily hate the idea of Sly 4's time travel stuff, but it doesn't have anything new to say with it. Sly doesn't reckon with anything interesting about the Cooper family, the Carmelita/Sly relationship just retreads the same points, and all the new plot developments with Penny feels like they had some weird vendetta and its just... It doesn't work!
As much as I want a Walk Back, not only is that not feasible, Sly 5 wouldn't be able to stand on its own as its own game AND it could just extend the problems that Sly 4 created. The trilogy was perfect. It didn't need more. But I want more. But I need to accept that the more that I want isn't possible.
I don't even necessarily hate the idea of Sly 4's time travel stuff, but it doesn't have anything new to say with it. Sly doesn't reckon with anything interesting about the Cooper family, the Carmelita/Sly relationship just retreads the same points, and all the new plot developments with Penny feels like they had some weird vendetta and its just... It doesn't work!
As much as I want a Walk Back, not only is that not feasible, Sly 5 wouldn't be able to stand on its own as its own game AND it could just extend the problems that Sly 4 created. The trilogy was perfect. It didn't need more. But I want more. But I need to accept that the more that I want isn't possible.
Like others that aren't into Sly 4, the more I think about it, the more my distaste and dissatisfaction for it becomes clearer and refined. As you said, and something I was gonna point out during my trilogy review soon, S1-3 can largely stand on their own terms, letting each subsequent sequel subtly builds and adds to what the previous game establishes, while not leaving anyone jumping in at any point behind.
4, doesn't do that as strongly. I mean, maybe it does and my upbringing of the trilogy clouds my judgement for this, but numerous plot points are either directly lifted from, or are literal retreads of the trilogy, and sometimes are just arbitrarily new for the sake of a "complete arc" like Murray's case in the Ice Age iirc. It's also why each new starting game in it gives you the option to watch a prologue cutscene, while the previous games just throw you right into it once you hit that start button. I understand why this is the way it is, but I feel like there could've been a better balance between what is, at best, a rather stumbling and unnecessary reliving of stuff from the trilogy, and at worst, make everyone feel like different characters entirely (it's also kinda weird since the HD Collection came out like three years prior, but idk).
I don't even hate 4, it's just, I don't think it really needed to exist when all's said and done. I'd rather the trilogy just get remasters, or at least simple ports, for newer consoles so that other people, whether they're a kid or someone who happened to miss out the first time, can see why I love the trilogy as much as I do today. I don't mind the idea of a continuation, but there should be more to it than just reusing The Gang again, I guess to put it.
4, doesn't do that as strongly. I mean, maybe it does and my upbringing of the trilogy clouds my judgement for this, but numerous plot points are either directly lifted from, or are literal retreads of the trilogy, and sometimes are just arbitrarily new for the sake of a "complete arc" like Murray's case in the Ice Age iirc. It's also why each new starting game in it gives you the option to watch a prologue cutscene, while the previous games just throw you right into it once you hit that start button. I understand why this is the way it is, but I feel like there could've been a better balance between what is, at best, a rather stumbling and unnecessary reliving of stuff from the trilogy, and at worst, make everyone feel like different characters entirely (it's also kinda weird since the HD Collection came out like three years prior, but idk).
I don't even hate 4, it's just, I don't think it really needed to exist when all's said and done. I'd rather the trilogy just get remasters, or at least simple ports, for newer consoles so that other people, whether they're a kid or someone who happened to miss out the first time, can see why I love the trilogy as much as I do today. I don't mind the idea of a continuation, but there should be more to it than just reusing The Gang again, I guess to put it.
Honestly the best possible route for More Sly is probably to make a game about one of Sly’s ancestors and their own team of thieves. I wouldn’t say no to a Carmelita mystery game, but so much of the game’s DNA is built on the feel and design of being a thief. That feeling is what I’m chasing more than anything.
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1 year ago