MOBILE GAME HELL: Free-to-Play Ranked
Despite my burning hatred for all of the baggage free-to-play mobile games tend to carry with them—horrid ads with small close buttons, microtransactions, premium currencies, FOMO, the entire gacha genre, and other "dark pattern" practices—in the year of 2022 I started trying a bunch of them out. Partly out of morbid curiosity, but honestly, it's mostly a quest to find something inoffensive to tap away at. Here's a ranked list of all the free-to-play mobile games I've played. Rankings take into consideration how good the game is when no real money is being spent, since that seems fair and it's extremely rare that I spend money on these anyway. Worth noting that these are all played on iOS.
Originally I wanted to wait until I played 100 games for this list before publishing it, but I feel like I've tortured myself enough already.
Originally I wanted to wait until I played 100 games for this list before publishing it, but I feel like I've tortured myself enough already.
20 Games
NOPE 👎
A gacha game where you roll for characters and character variations might just be the worst possible way to get your fill of bara furries, which, by the way, are free on Google. It wouldn't be so offensive if the gameplay wasn't so repetitive/shallow and the visual novel portions weren't boring. Extra points deducted for all the shota characters running around—that's just bad vibes, man.
A gacha game where you roll for characters and character variations might just be the worst possible way to get your fill of bara furries, which, by the way, are free on Google. It wouldn't be so offensive if the gameplay wasn't so repetitive/shallow and the visual novel portions weren't boring. Extra points deducted for all the shota characters running around—that's just bad vibes, man.
NOPE 👎
I wrote a long review on its page that goes into more detail, but this is a pretty simple SpongeBob SquarePants-branded action cooking game. Build up your own restaurant, serve food quickly, don't burn anything down. Easy enough. The animations are horrendous and unnatural. Premium currency is here, but you can also optionally watch ads or complete "tasks" for them as well. For a kids' game, the ads and tasks are very questionable and predatory—ads are often for real-money gambling games, and tasks are often companies asking users to input private information.
I wrote a long review on its page that goes into more detail, but this is a pretty simple SpongeBob SquarePants-branded action cooking game. Build up your own restaurant, serve food quickly, don't burn anything down. Easy enough. The animations are horrendous and unnatural. Premium currency is here, but you can also optionally watch ads or complete "tasks" for them as well. For a kids' game, the ads and tasks are very questionable and predatory—ads are often for real-money gambling games, and tasks are often companies asking users to input private information.
NOPE 👎
Not even a coat of dragon paint can save the merge genre from itself. It never feels like I'm actually doing a puzzle or playing a game—it's too mind-numbing and unchallenging to be fun, but too attention-intensive to be relaxing. Just really tedious.
Not even a coat of dragon paint can save the merge genre from itself. It never feels like I'm actually doing a puzzle or playing a game—it's too mind-numbing and unchallenging to be fun, but too attention-intensive to be relaxing. Just really tedious.
NOPE 👎
Okay, like, I could definitely see myself getting into something like this, and to be honest... I barely even gave it a shot. But I started tapping at that feed button for the first time and that little ugly-cute baby dragon morphed into a just-plain-ugly dragon and I could feel the negative vibes kicking in. After the tutorial ended, I started exploring and came across some kind of "martial arts" themed dragon, and... yeah, no, sorry guys. It's just so fucking ugly. The dragons don't look good, I really dislike their designs and the general art direction of the game as a whole. It's all really off-putting, especially with how the dragons aren't consistent in their art styles and don't even feel like they belong in the same game. Just made me want to get back into Flight Rising.
Okay, like, I could definitely see myself getting into something like this, and to be honest... I barely even gave it a shot. But I started tapping at that feed button for the first time and that little ugly-cute baby dragon morphed into a just-plain-ugly dragon and I could feel the negative vibes kicking in. After the tutorial ended, I started exploring and came across some kind of "martial arts" themed dragon, and... yeah, no, sorry guys. It's just so fucking ugly. The dragons don't look good, I really dislike their designs and the general art direction of the game as a whole. It's all really off-putting, especially with how the dragons aren't consistent in their art styles and don't even feel like they belong in the same game. Just made me want to get back into Flight Rising.
NOPE 👎
I love Pokémon, and I think it usually shines when it tries something new or weird. Even if that doesn't always turn out the best. Case in point, Magikarp Jump, an idle game and pet sim entirely about grinding and waiting. Well, it's technically about making Magikarp jump high, but that's essentially nothing. Might be the most boring game on here, but it's far from the most offensive—barely saving it from the bottomest-tier set of games.
I love Pokémon, and I think it usually shines when it tries something new or weird. Even if that doesn't always turn out the best. Case in point, Magikarp Jump, an idle game and pet sim entirely about grinding and waiting. Well, it's technically about making Magikarp jump high, but that's essentially nothing. Might be the most boring game on here, but it's far from the most offensive—barely saving it from the bottomest-tier set of games.
NOPE 👎
A desecration of Animal Crossing's very heart and soul. The relaxing slife-of-life atmosphere the series is known for has been replaced with constant "events," limited time "offers," and FOMO. I wrote about this at length on its own page. Bitter about this one.
A desecration of Animal Crossing's very heart and soul. The relaxing slife-of-life atmosphere the series is known for has been replaced with constant "events," limited time "offers," and FOMO. I wrote about this at length on its own page. Bitter about this one.
NOPE 👎
Your aunt is cheating. She doesn't know that word. Full review on its own page, but Words With Friends is a bad attempt at cloning Scrabble that fails primarily due to the constraints of the digital and mobile format. Instead of testing the players' knowledge, it tests how good players are at stumbling into words they might not have played in an actual game of Scrabble.
Your aunt is cheating. She doesn't know that word. Full review on its own page, but Words With Friends is a bad attempt at cloning Scrabble that fails primarily due to the constraints of the digital and mobile format. Instead of testing the players' knowledge, it tests how good players are at stumbling into words they might not have played in an actual game of Scrabble.
NOPE 👎
Phase 10 is a solid card game, but it falls apart in the app version. When playing against computers, it feels less like a game of decisions and chance, and more like a game in which you're waiting for the AI to "let" you win. Playing against others is better, and feels closer to the real thing, but sometimes there seems to be a class division between those who pay for powerups versus those who don't. You have to spend energy on each round, instead of each game, so sometimes you'll be force to stop playing mid-game for a while. The app is riddled with annoying little side-games and events that you're forced to view the tutorials for, too. It's also got performance issues—the audio often cuts in and out like a skipping CD.
Phase 10 is a solid card game, but it falls apart in the app version. When playing against computers, it feels less like a game of decisions and chance, and more like a game in which you're waiting for the AI to "let" you win. Playing against others is better, and feels closer to the real thing, but sometimes there seems to be a class division between those who pay for powerups versus those who don't. You have to spend energy on each round, instead of each game, so sometimes you'll be force to stop playing mid-game for a while. The app is riddled with annoying little side-games and events that you're forced to view the tutorials for, too. It's also got performance issues—the audio often cuts in and out like a skipping CD.
OKAY ➖
Hearts with ads in-between rounds. But hey, at least it's to-go?
Hearts with ads in-between rounds. But hey, at least it's to-go?
11
OKAY ➖
Solitaire is here, too. What, you thought it wouldn't be?
Solitaire is here, too. What, you thought it wouldn't be?
10
OKAY ➖
Relaxing plant-growing sim. Slow-paced, because it's about the payoff of waiting, earning the sight of your pot of plants fully-grown. You can buy more pots and seeds, but the game never really pushes you to.
Relaxing plant-growing sim. Slow-paced, because it's about the payoff of waiting, earning the sight of your pot of plants fully-grown. You can buy more pots and seeds, but the game never really pushes you to.
OKAY ➖
The matching tile puzzle genre gets a gacha treatment here. The game itself is a bit odd—those more familiar with Bejeweled will be surprised that they can move any of the tiles to any spot on the board, displacing the other tiles as they do. This allows for chaining big combos, which feels great to do. The game does get repetitive, though, and crawling dungeons without paying real money only gets you so far. Nothing special but it's funny to see all the crazy cross-promotions.
The matching tile puzzle genre gets a gacha treatment here. The game itself is a bit odd—those more familiar with Bejeweled will be surprised that they can move any of the tiles to any spot on the board, displacing the other tiles as they do. This allows for chaining big combos, which feels great to do. The game does get repetitive, though, and crawling dungeons without paying real money only gets you so far. Nothing special but it's funny to see all the crazy cross-promotions.
OKAY ➖
To its credit, this Crash Bandicoot version of Temple Run looks great. I like the art direction, the animations are as expressive as I'd hope from a Crash game, and hey—it even plays well, too. On the Run's progression is kind of slow, though, and the game does get repetitive because of that. Unlocking skins takes a while, and the game likes to push real-money purchases pretty hard. I don't hate this as much as other Crash fans seem to, since as a game it's actually fine—it's just bogged down a bit by your typical mobile game stuff.
To its credit, this Crash Bandicoot version of Temple Run looks great. I like the art direction, the animations are as expressive as I'd hope from a Crash game, and hey—it even plays well, too. On the Run's progression is kind of slow, though, and the game does get repetitive because of that. Unlocking skins takes a while, and the game likes to push real-money purchases pretty hard. I don't hate this as much as other Crash fans seem to, since as a game it's actually fine—it's just bogged down a bit by your typical mobile game stuff.
OKAY ➖
It sneaks up on you. The game itself doesn't seem too heavy-handed with the usual F2P mobile game trappings at first, though in-game currency can be bought and failing puzzles too many times too quickly can lock you out for a bit. And you WILL fail—many puzzles require some fairly ridiculous power-up combos that you have to luck into or use items to acquire. These get really exhausting and just feel like sudden spikes of difficulty. When I was actually able to play, though, I had a pretty decent time with the puzzles, and there's a surprising amount of variety in them. The other types of puzzles, which are the ones that are actually advertised, are a bit more hit-and-miss (generally miss) but are short and out of the way pretty quickly. Regardless, I officially decided to call it quits at level 80 and never play another Playrix title again.
The plot and characters, though... what a weird choice of protagonist. Disgustingly rich guy who guilt-trips his parents into keeping the way-too-big mansion they want to get rid of and can't maintain by making unapproved renovations and replacing their furniture? And he went to "butler school"? If you can relate to this guy on even a fundamental human level, let's not meet.
It sneaks up on you. The game itself doesn't seem too heavy-handed with the usual F2P mobile game trappings at first, though in-game currency can be bought and failing puzzles too many times too quickly can lock you out for a bit. And you WILL fail—many puzzles require some fairly ridiculous power-up combos that you have to luck into or use items to acquire. These get really exhausting and just feel like sudden spikes of difficulty. When I was actually able to play, though, I had a pretty decent time with the puzzles, and there's a surprising amount of variety in them. The other types of puzzles, which are the ones that are actually advertised, are a bit more hit-and-miss (generally miss) but are short and out of the way pretty quickly. Regardless, I officially decided to call it quits at level 80 and never play another Playrix title again.
The plot and characters, though... what a weird choice of protagonist. Disgustingly rich guy who guilt-trips his parents into keeping the way-too-big mansion they want to get rid of and can't maintain by making unapproved renovations and replacing their furniture? And he went to "butler school"? If you can relate to this guy on even a fundamental human level, let's not meet.
OKAY ➖
Simple and not particularly unique—small crossword puzzles that offer a bank of letters instead of a bank of clues—but I like it anyway. I enjoy word puzzles and it's easy to pick up for just a few minutes at a time. They tacked on some light gacha pet collecting thing to the menu, but it's easy to ignore and not too intrusive.
It falls victim to a pretty common problem with these games—an incomplete and inconsistent dictionary. Accepts some slang, shortenings, and loanwords, but not always the ones you hope for in the moment. For example, it doesn't know what an "oud" is. Also, it starts to lag after being open too long and it drains my battery faster than Pokémon GO which is a funny flaw for such a simple game. Still, I keep this one installed for when I feel like playing about five minutes of word puzzles.
Simple and not particularly unique—small crossword puzzles that offer a bank of letters instead of a bank of clues—but I like it anyway. I enjoy word puzzles and it's easy to pick up for just a few minutes at a time. They tacked on some light gacha pet collecting thing to the menu, but it's easy to ignore and not too intrusive.
It falls victim to a pretty common problem with these games—an incomplete and inconsistent dictionary. Accepts some slang, shortenings, and loanwords, but not always the ones you hope for in the moment. For example, it doesn't know what an "oud" is. Also, it starts to lag after being open too long and it drains my battery faster than Pokémon GO which is a funny flaw for such a simple game. Still, I keep this one installed for when I feel like playing about five minutes of word puzzles.
OKAY ➖
I actually started playing this one around 2018 or 2019—I missed the 2016 release date and craze because I didn't have a smartphone. I'm still tempted by this one once in a while, but once challenges aren't "new" anymore, they become much harder to complete. That makes it hard to come back to, despite the community around my area still being cool and active during events. The damn thing keeps crashing, though, and it eats battery like nothing else. I don't like having to constantly buy more Poké Balls and inventory space, either. Still, the game itself is novel enough that it has a special place in my heart—a very small one, but still.
I actually started playing this one around 2018 or 2019—I missed the 2016 release date and craze because I didn't have a smartphone. I'm still tempted by this one once in a while, but once challenges aren't "new" anymore, they become much harder to complete. That makes it hard to come back to, despite the community around my area still being cool and active during events. The damn thing keeps crashing, though, and it eats battery like nothing else. I don't like having to constantly buy more Poké Balls and inventory space, either. Still, the game itself is novel enough that it has a special place in my heart—a very small one, but still.
YEAH 👍
A cute, but simple pet sim in which you try to attract cats to your back yard with the decorations and toys you've bought with the tips the cats leave. It's pleasant, if simple. There might not be much "game" here, but it doesn't do anything wrong—a magical feat considering its competition.
A cute, but simple pet sim in which you try to attract cats to your back yard with the decorations and toys you've bought with the tips the cats leave. It's pleasant, if simple. There might not be much "game" here, but it doesn't do anything wrong—a magical feat considering its competition.
YEAH 👍
A solid pet sim about collecting as many types of frogs as possible, including different combinations of color and pattern. It has a few minigames, but doesn't ask much of its players. I started getting really into filling out the Froggydex and completing challenges and sets once I got settled in. You can buy stuff with real money, and get gifts for watching (mostly inoffensive) ads, but you aren't missing out on anything you can't get with patience and persistence by playing for free. I like this a lot, despite being all about collecting over long periods of time and waiting for eggs to hatch—maybe because it feels like that time is still being respected.
A solid pet sim about collecting as many types of frogs as possible, including different combinations of color and pattern. It has a few minigames, but doesn't ask much of its players. I started getting really into filling out the Froggydex and completing challenges and sets once I got settled in. You can buy stuff with real money, and get gifts for watching (mostly inoffensive) ads, but you aren't missing out on anything you can't get with patience and persistence by playing for free. I like this a lot, despite being all about collecting over long periods of time and waiting for eggs to hatch—maybe because it feels like that time is still being respected.
YEAH 👍
This game is generally disliked in the Pokémon community, and it's easy to see why—the game limits your play with energy, and while it's completely possible to play the game without spending money, it definitely encourages purchases. It's why I wasn't a big fan when I tried it at launch on the Switch, despite the lovely art direction. I thought the puzzles were okay, if a bit chaotic, but didn't really get why a game on the Switch was limiting my time with it. Fast-forward a few years, and I'm enjoying myself a lot more with the game now that I'm playing it on my phone. It just doesn't make a whole lot of sense on the Switch, a "portable" home console—this thing is definitely made with phones in mind, and the energy system is far more tolerable on a small device I can always be expected to have on me. No ads is a bonus. And hey, I got Gengar on my team on day one, so I practically already won, right?
This game is generally disliked in the Pokémon community, and it's easy to see why—the game limits your play with energy, and while it's completely possible to play the game without spending money, it definitely encourages purchases. It's why I wasn't a big fan when I tried it at launch on the Switch, despite the lovely art direction. I thought the puzzles were okay, if a bit chaotic, but didn't really get why a game on the Switch was limiting my time with it. Fast-forward a few years, and I'm enjoying myself a lot more with the game now that I'm playing it on my phone. It just doesn't make a whole lot of sense on the Switch, a "portable" home console—this thing is definitely made with phones in mind, and the energy system is far more tolerable on a small device I can always be expected to have on me. No ads is a bonus. And hey, I got Gengar on my team on day one, so I practically already won, right?
YEAH 👍
I actually played this on Steam first, then decided I wanted to be able to take it with me. I don't actually play Rivals of Aether—the platform fighter this card battle game is based on—but I found this pretty fun and interesting. It's comparable to Final Fantasy VIII's Triple Triad minigame, and the variety of strategies and card types makes for a well-balanced 2-player experience. It definitely has the flaws of both card collecting games and free-to-play mobile games—premium currency, card packs (essentially loot boxes), the occasional sales push—but playing the game without spending money still feels fair and easy, and its depth and variety of game modes gives it a leg up on most other F2P games. For example, while player-versus-player is the obvious draw of the game, there's also a good time to be had in its player-vs-AI "dungeon crawling" mode.
I actually played this on Steam first, then decided I wanted to be able to take it with me. I don't actually play Rivals of Aether—the platform fighter this card battle game is based on—but I found this pretty fun and interesting. It's comparable to Final Fantasy VIII's Triple Triad minigame, and the variety of strategies and card types makes for a well-balanced 2-player experience. It definitely has the flaws of both card collecting games and free-to-play mobile games—premium currency, card packs (essentially loot boxes), the occasional sales push—but playing the game without spending money still feels fair and easy, and its depth and variety of game modes gives it a leg up on most other F2P games. For example, while player-versus-player is the obvious draw of the game, there's also a good time to be had in its player-vs-AI "dungeon crawling" mode.