MERCURY STEAM HQ, 2015:
“Alright team, time to plan this Metroid II remake. And I want to say up front: there’s no bad ideas in brainstorming! So, what‘s on your mind?”
“Hmm…well first, how about we make the game look like dogshit? Just real gross. Muddy colors, weird blurry lighting and totally indistinct area themes. I want the player to feel totally lost in an endless maze of poop caves. And while we’re at it, since past Metroid games did such a good job immersing the player in their worlds, what if for this one we took the opposite approach. Shoot for a really unconvincing 2.5D aesthetic with incredibly blocky level design, that way the player is constantly reminded they’re playing a game. Like, the monochrome Gameboy original should feel more immersive than this.”
“That’s brilliant, Dave. Sarah, you had your hand up?”
“Yeah well I was just thinking, what if we made the level design like, way worse? Metroid II split its map into these open, easy-to-digest chunks that have aged pretty well all things considered. So why not throw all that bullshit in the trash and replace it for something really cramped and labyrinthine? Just really arduous to navigate, make exploring feel like a hassle. Maybe instead of interesting power-up gating we also could just fill the map with power bomb tiles, so exploration just becomes a dull game of spamming the scan pulse every few steps.”
“I like where your head is at, Sarah. Who else?”
“Well while we’re talking about the original, I’ve been looking at some reviews and it seems like a common complaint with that game was that the Metroid boss fights got kind of monotonous after a while. So I was thinking—and hear me out on this one—what if we made each Metroid encounter take like twice as long? And not because it’s any more engaging or anything, just way more tedious. Like, half of their new attacks make them invincible so most of the fight is just running around wasting missiles while you wait for an opening. And then make the player do that 50 times. Maybe instead of having them ambush you in interesting locations we could also just place each one in a big game-y boss arena and give the player a grating beeping notification every time they’re near one. You know, that way they never feel any sense of surprise or any illusion this is a believable fragile ecosystem and not a checklist of Goombas for them to stop. It’s not like that’s thematically important to Metroid II or anything.”
“Goddamnit Brian, you’re a loose cannon, but maybe that’s just exactly we need for this project. What next?”
“Well, grinding for health and ammo was always really annoying in previous games. So let’s exhaust that by really spreading out the recharge stations. That way if you need a refill after a boss you have to run around the entire area. Oh, and then let’s make enemies not always respawn when you leave a room, so when you inevitably do have to farm it’s super inconvenient. Fuck it, let’s even add a third type of meter while we’re at it to triple the grinding!”
“I’m gonna be honest Larry I didn’t 100% make out what you said because I was doing coke off Brian’s desk, but fuckin sure dude put it in the game!”
“Hey boss, I was just replaying the GBA games and noticed how fluid their combat felt. So I was thinking for our game we could add this melee counter move to really fuck up the pacing. That way instead of being able to quickly move and shoot your way through enemies, every single goddamn one requires you to stop in your tracks and wait for their attack animation to start so you can do your stupid fucking parry move. Y’know, that way the movement and exploration never get too exciting. Wouldn’t want that in a Metroid game! Then let’s make every enemy have a ton of health when you try to kill them without the parry so players are locked into having to play this way. And—what the hell—let’s not improve enemy variety at all, so you’re stuck seeing the same 20 or so guys without any change in strategy the whole time.”
“Leslie, you son of a bitch. I think you’ve just cracked this thing wide open. In fact, I’m giving you a raise and some of this desk cocaine.”
Did not complete
“Alright team, time to plan this Metroid II remake. And I want to say up front: there’s no bad ideas in brainstorming! So, what‘s on your mind?”
“Hmm…well first, how about we make the game look like dogshit? Just real gross. Muddy colors, weird blurry lighting and totally indistinct area themes. I want the player to feel totally lost in an endless maze of poop caves. And while we’re at it, since past Metroid games did such a good job immersing the player in their worlds, what if for this one we took the opposite approach. Shoot for a really unconvincing 2.5D aesthetic with incredibly blocky level design, that way the player is constantly reminded they’re playing a game. Like, the monochrome Gameboy original should feel more immersive than this.”
“That’s brilliant, Dave. Sarah, you had your hand up?”
“Yeah well I was just thinking, what if we made the level design like, way worse? Metroid II split its map into these open, easy-to-digest chunks that have aged pretty well all things considered. So why not throw all that bullshit in the trash and replace it for something really cramped and labyrinthine? Just really arduous to navigate, make exploring feel like a hassle. Maybe instead of interesting power-up gating we also could just fill the map with power bomb tiles, so exploration just becomes a dull game of spamming the scan pulse every few steps.”
“I like where your head is at, Sarah. Who else?”
“Well while we’re talking about the original, I’ve been looking at some reviews and it seems like a common complaint with that game was that the Metroid boss fights got kind of monotonous after a while. So I was thinking—and hear me out on this one—what if we made each Metroid encounter take like twice as long? And not because it’s any more engaging or anything, just way more tedious. Like, half of their new attacks make them invincible so most of the fight is just running around wasting missiles while you wait for an opening. And then make the player do that 50 times. Maybe instead of having them ambush you in interesting locations we could also just place each one in a big game-y boss arena and give the player a grating beeping notification every time they’re near one. You know, that way they never feel any sense of surprise or any illusion this is a believable fragile ecosystem and not a checklist of Goombas for them to stop. It’s not like that’s thematically important to Metroid II or anything.”
“Goddamnit Brian, you’re a loose cannon, but maybe that’s just exactly we need for this project. What next?”
“Well, grinding for health and ammo was always really annoying in previous games. So let’s exhaust that by really spreading out the recharge stations. That way if you need a refill after a boss you have to run around the entire area. Oh, and then let’s make enemies not always respawn when you leave a room, so when you inevitably do have to farm it’s super inconvenient. Fuck it, let’s even add a third type of meter while we’re at it to triple the grinding!”
“I’m gonna be honest Larry I didn’t 100% make out what you said because I was doing coke off Brian’s desk, but fuckin sure dude put it in the game!”
“Hey boss, I was just replaying the GBA games and noticed how fluid their combat felt. So I was thinking for our game we could add this melee counter move to really fuck up the pacing. That way instead of being able to quickly move and shoot your way through enemies, every single goddamn one requires you to stop in your tracks and wait for their attack animation to start so you can do your stupid fucking parry move. Y’know, that way the movement and exploration never get too exciting. Wouldn’t want that in a Metroid game! Then let’s make every enemy have a ton of health when you try to kill them without the parry so players are locked into having to play this way. And—what the hell—let’s not improve enemy variety at all, so you’re stuck seeing the same 20 or so guys without any change in strategy the whole time.”
“Leslie, you son of a bitch. I think you’ve just cracked this thing wide open. In fact, I’m giving you a raise and some of this desk cocaine.”
Did not complete
3 Comments
(AVGN voice) WHAT WERE THEY THINKING
lmao
I liked it myself despise everything (I didn't find it that DREADful, just a functional remake of Metroid II, nothing more. Like a stretched 6/10 at best that does its bare job), but tysm for making me laugh with this.
I liked it myself despise everything (I didn't find it that DREADful, just a functional remake of Metroid II, nothing more. Like a stretched 6/10 at best that does its bare job), but tysm for making me laugh with this.
plexible
2 months ago