Resident Evil: Revelations: I guess this may have impressed me if I played it on a 3DS, but I didn't, so it doesn't. This feels like the mere concept of “Resident Evil” was painfully streamlined into something so watered-down that calling it “handheld” or “mobile” doesn't quite do it justice; I feel like I won my copy of RE: Revelations in a box of cereal. It retails at $30 which is a crime.

I really think the only positive things I can say about this game is that, infrequently, some textures look (relatively) crisp. Like I can recall seeing Parker's Kevlar vest and saying to myself “The shine on that looks good, I can see creases that look nice.” The loading times are comically fast, too, though this is simultaneously false because the doors that act as loading screens go through their entire animation despite obviously being done immediately. It reminds me of Mass Effect 2's loading animations making things take longer than needed for no reason, and replacing them with .jpgs made loading instant.
The Raid mode is kind of neat for a few minutes and maybe could be brought into better RE games, but it never will.
The campaign was short, only taking away five hours from me.
I think I'm done with the positives.

Every person looks ill, except for maybe Jill Valentine, who only looks like she needs to cool it on the lip filler, and Chris Redfield, who is still Big McLargeHuge from the RE5 model. Parker looks like a bloated drunk, even in his “prime” shown in flashbacks; Raymond looks like a Dollar Store's knockoff Joker toy; Morgan looks like he was yanked from a vampire novella; you get it. Some more new faces include Quint and Keith who are simply cringe incarnate. “That would be tits,” says Keith, codename Jackass (not kidding). I would feel deep regret if I had anything to do with either of those characters.
Jessica is sexy, though, even when she's dressed like Harley Quinn about to go scuba diving. At least they gave us that.

The world isn't looking very good, either, but its crime is one of banality. When you first walk in its Hall, you may think “Wow, the Queen Zenobia will be easy to get lost in!” but you would be wrong: there's really only three ways out of it and you'll see each route several times. I understand retreading areas is sort of a staple of the series, but ideally you'll have a new weapon or keycard that gets you access to something new. That doesn't really happen, here; you just have to go to the Bridge again because that's where the next cutscene is and it's your third time there.

It plays like something between RE5 and RE6 which, if you're a fan of bad games, may be good news. There's no inventory management system and herbs are as simple as possible with one choice: press Tab and you're back at 100% instantly. You can move and shoot at the same time if that bothered you so terribly (I can't imagine being unable to play the original RE4 because of this), but dodging is still quite the horrible system of mostly luck.
You're swapping between character pairs every few minutes, because apparently this was needed to keep a frenetic pace or something? Calling it “exhausting” would be a stretch, but no pair is given enough time to really do anything before we cut somewhere else, it's just not a good choice.
There's a whole system with a scanner where you go into first person to scan enemies, accumulating points that at 100 give you a green herb. You can also find hidden ammo/items with it. Your movement (and the gameplay) grinds to a halt when you use it. I do not like this thing and I doubt anyone disagrees with me, I'd rather the ammo just be on the ground to begin with.

The plot is vapor. It feels a bit like a farce of the Resident Evil series, but not quite funny enough to be a good show. How exciting is it? There are no zombies and the big bad guy isn't the final boss after injecting himself with Super Mega Deluxxxe T-Virus or anything -- he just goes to jail. The final boss is a guy you just met and, really, you don't have any problems with. But this ride can't end without fireworks, so RE: Revelations lights a sparkler for you to enjoy. How fun.

An easily ignorable, insignificant Resident Evil franchise entry. If you don't own it, I don't see any reason why you need to. I'm not looking forward to its sequel, but unfortunately, I own that -- so here goes.

I do not recommend Resident Evil: Revelations.